What you give is what you get (I went 580 days. Relapsed. Finally back on track.

Emptyroom

Active Member
GoalsMondayTuesdayWednesdayThursdayFriday
Meditate twice CompletedCompletedCompleted--
Learn Arabic for 30 minCompletedCompletedCompleted--
Do yoga-exercises CompletedCompletedCompleted--

Hi! Things have been mostly very good this week.
I am annoyed because I wrote here during the week about every day but it disappeared before I could post it. I will try to remember what happened during the week.
Monday: was a good day.
Tuesday was an even better day: I had a nice walk in nice weather, I felt good about my idea for my thesis but I had a quick relapse during the night. I PMO:d to one video on a site that I hadn't blocked. Afterwards, I blocked the site. I wrote a motivational speech about taking my journey more seriously and remembering the pain P has caused me in the past.
Wednesday was a good day.
Thursday: I had a meeting about my thesis and I basically had to redo what I had done until that point. Then I had to read A LOT. I didn't give myself the time for anything else so I didn't make any goals.
Friday: I have been studying the whole day today. I have been feeling overwhelmed by studying and all the choices that is involved in the work. I guess that I am stressed but I don't really recognise the feeling as stress. Its more like the feeling of being lost. Of not knowing what to do but having to do it in a short amount of time. Still the day had some good moments.

It has felt very good to get back to making my goals every day. I hope that the intensity of my studies lessens next week so I can get back to it.

Take care!
/Emptyroom.
 

jberg

Member
Emptyroom,
I loved the chart with the 3 goals. I need something like that. Regarding the pain I feel after PMO (emptiness, shame, remorse), I was told (and used to think) it was my best friend that could help me avoid PMO in the future. But I have come to believe it is a false friend, because when I find myself in the heat of the moment, memory of that pain is nowhere to be found. It may be that if I remind myself of that pain every day, it may help me to avoid PMO, but that is something I have never sustained for very long. I have come to believe that my truest friends are the true connections that I make daily (with my family, friends, this group, and my Higher Power.)
 

Emptyroom

Active Member
This is Emptyroom.
I have not been here since February. This is because I had a proper relapse and just decided not to go to this site.
I PMO:d this morning so I can't present you with a clean streak as a token of my newfound will to stay sober. I am currently floating and going where the waves take me. A part of me care, a part of me doesn't.
I have been thinking lately about my life and the choices that I have made. I thought today about the story of the three little pigs. I know that story by heart as most people do. I know that it has an important message but it seems that I cannot learn to build a brickhouse before I first build a house of straw and see it collapse before me. But when I sit in an empty apartment, alone at age 60 with a big gut and feeling that I haven't achieved anything, Then there is no time to build that house of bricks. I feel that the growing and changing mind of the young person in me is slowly solidifying itself and becoming a stable unmovable structure. Behind me is a road full of missed opportunities. I was young. I am still young. I could do anything I want to do. But I'm just a selfish pretentious and dumb person. I still love myself though, like someone who loves an abusive partner. This is about more than P-addiction. P-use is a symptom. Just like eating to much and going to bed in the middle of the night and not working out and not taking responsibility to make life enjoyable. I feel stuck. I am writing here now though, but I'm having a hard time seeing the value of that because I wrote here a lot before and I still went back to a life of meh. I can't trust my own writings.
I'm just trying to be some sort of cool writer right now. To show myself that I am a creative guy, that I am important. Crying crocodile tears and lying to myself. It is always about pleasure. Even the sadness. It is just a big show for myself and while I am watching the show about myself I am missing the life ingredients that I actually want. I don't want to be a guy that asks for a mirror when I'm lying on my deathbed. I don't really know what I want but If I want to have it before it is to late I'll have to start getting material for my house of bricks. Maybe I have to spend more time thinking about wolfs.
Take care.
Emptyroom
 
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Emptyroom

Active Member
How you doing Emptyroom?
Hi Blondie. Thank you for asking. I guess I'm doing good because I'm at this site again. Haven't been here in a long time now. Also, I am taking steps now to get my life together again. I will start with daily schedules next week. I am going to start having daily goals again, but I'm not going to write them here every week. I have a whiteboard now where I will write them. I am going to eat more healthy (not just the type of food but also when I eat and how many times a day) and I'm going to start exercising regularly.

Since the last time I wrote, I have been making P a daily routine basically, I haven't even been thinking about the negative impact. . PMO haven't felt very exciting though. I guess a good thing about this time is that it has been """vanilla P""" mostly. I have felt like I don't really care about anything. I have been feeling my lack of excitement for living, a bluntness to everything that I experience, but I haven't been bothered to fix it.

Today coming home after a few days with friends and without a computer, I PMO:d three times instead of taking a jog like I had told my friends and myself I was gonna do earlier. The third time I PMO:d today, I was frustrated with not feeling anything on my regular P-site so I went to a new one and some of the videos I watched there involved some really perverted stuff. I didn't feel disgusted, It didn't really affect me at all. I didn't feel any shame. It felt like putting my hand in a fire, seeing it turn to coal and not feel anything. That was distressing. I am so desensitised, I can't even tell what I am feeling about it all now. Still, It felt like it was a step in the wrong direction for me but that has now made me take a step in the right direction: Away from P.

I have a bit of a sadness in me that affects my P-use as well, I got rejected by a girl that I know last week and that has made me try to use P to seek comfort more than what would be the normal case for me. At least I am aware of it.

My plan with the rest of the summer is to work at becoming the best person I can be for a future partner. To be the best man that I can be for that person. For some reason leaving P again as a part of that has not crossed my mind until now. It is necessary though for making my life good again. The most important thing for me right now is to be on the right path and I am happy to once again walk on the road towards positive change.

I hope things are going well for you Blondie!

Best wishes,

/Emptyroom

 
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