What you give is what you get (I went 580 days. Relapsed. Finally back on track.

Emptyroom

Member
Day 12. I had a close call today.
I am on tinder because I want to meet someone and one profile led me to an instagram-account with half-sexy pictures. I felt the urge. I thought about what I had planned in case this happened. I didn't feel like meditating, but what I did was hold two fingers at the pulse at my neck. I counted my pulse and listened to music at the same time until the urge ended. It didn't take much. Just a conscious effort/will for a moment and I just had to wait for a bit for the urge to pass.
I tried to think about the reasons why I didn't want to PMO but it is hard to think. I know the reasons but in the moment my head turned blank.

The question that becomes important is: Do I love myself enough to do what is best for me?
I want to have control, I don't want to waste time. I want to grow as a person and I want to put that life behind me. I want to feel and love more and P makes me feel less. P destroys the future that I want to build for myself.

The next time I have sex, I want to be able to satisfy my partner and I want to feel good. I have to stay away from PMO and masturbation for a while for that to be possible. P is not the real thing.
It is hard to concentrate right now because my cravings but the cravings will end sooner than I think and then I can be proud of my achievement.

I wish you much love in your life!
/J
 

Emptyroom

Member
Day 13.
Today I noticed that I felt better than usual. The sort of good that you feel when you haven't PMO:ed for a while. Funny that I felt such cravings yesterday and not today. not yet anyway.
I feel a bit stressed about my schoolwork but I can handle it.
I had Judo practice today and it felt good during it and afterwards. I feel that introducing a sport like judo could give my life something that it has been missing. It could become a passion.
I could try to study now but I feel that I have to practice relaxation and try to keep my evenings relatively free from work. I will try to rise early tomorrow. The P-free path feels so right sometimes. It is the path that leads to improvement and the path that leads to a joyful life in contrast to a life with P that can only bring momentary fake satisfaction while it destroys your soul. At least for me. To summarize: this was a good day because I have stayed away from P. I did my best. I didn't really feel that I understood all of my schoolwork but I tried and I will learn it in time. I will try to study more productively tomorrow! Now I will relax with some chocolate and a coke. Cheers!
Best wishes,
/J
 
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Emptyroom

Member
Day 14.
Today is not a good day. I feel a bit lost in my studies. During my studies I suddenly entered a sort of autopilot mode and I did a search for a sexy actress and I scrolled until I found two P-pictures. I closed the tab after that and decided to block my search-engine. Then an half-hour later, still trying to study, I, on autopilot, searched for "P-actress" on YouTube. Nothing to bad came up. I saw an interview with an actress. I feel so bad that I can't follow the road I have chosen for myself. That I seem to be loosing control over this. It has only been 14 days. I tried to block youtube from my browser but It didn't work for some reason. I have made it further than this without this sort of behavior. I feel kind of sad now. It wasn't a relapse. I took some action to prevent this from happening again but the fact that it keeps happening on my journey Is just so humiliating. I know that lingering on the negative will make it even harder for me to manage. I guess this happened because I am uncomfortable with my studies at the moment. I am sure it will work out. P will just steal away time from my studies. I will not feel good if I PMO. It is a way of wasting time. Of wasting my life. I should take a break from the computer. Maybe I should run outside for a bit. Maybe that would make me feel better. It helps a bit to write here anyway.
Much peace!
/J
 
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Emptyroom

Member
Day 15 (Thursday night)
Well, I made it past yesterday. I have to say that the thing that prevented a full on relapse was the fact that I had blocked my search engine. If I hadn't done that I would have relapsed by now. I am very glad that I did that even though I didn't have the willpower at the time to stop myself just by myself. Blocking sites on all browsers is a very easy thing to do and you don't have to download a program or anything. Here is a video explaining how to do it:
It takes like two minutes to do.

Today I was quite busy studying and maybe that contributed to me not having any urges. Well. Now when I think about it there was a small incident but nothing major. I accidentally saw a thumbnail to an opera video with naked people on it, I pressed it and it said that I couldn't watch it, so I didn't. I hope that I in the near future get the willpower to just look away quickly when something like that happens.
I met some new people this evening, Young women. We just talked and I couldn't help myself seeing them as objects and potential partners in bed. I didn't fantasize about them or anything. I just thought of the possibility of sex more than getting to know them. I now that is bad but I am aware that my mind is overly sexual right now because I'm starving myself sexually. I know that It is temporary. I have to accept my sexual objectification at this moment as a step in my healing process. As a part of a bigger picture. Not that I should relish in sexual thoughts or use people or think about people sexually on purpose. I have to be careful with introducing the possibility of sex into new relationships because that could really hurt someone mentally if I use a person for sexual pleasure.
I really want to make it to 90 days this time. Now I'm halfway to 30 days! I feel great about that!

/J
 
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Emptyroom

Member
Day 16 (friday night). No urges today (not yet anyway) The day was too full of school activities and activities with my friends for any urges to emerge.
Suddenly I have found myself with too many potential partners. I don't know If I can think straight in my current state. I started to think about having a relationship with one of two different people that I didn't use to like but that I now suddenly could imagine myself being romantically involved with. Two other people are within my radar There is also a person that I went out with a few weeks ago. Do I really care about any of these people or am I just desperate for sex? It is probably a combination of wanting to be close to someone both mentally and physically and also basic horniness. I don't want to MO just to get a clear mind about this but I also don't want to make any bad choices. I won't M but I should tread carefully so I don't hurt anyone. I have to spend time with the women, get to know them before getting too physical with anyone.
I'm not even sure that I have time for a relationship. Lately I have been thinking too much about being single and wanting someone to have sex with and be close too. Maybe I should try to ignore these thoughts until I get to a point where I see things more clearly. That could take some time though and I can loose my mind even more before that begins to happen. I don't want relationships to constantly be on my mind. I feel a bit sad now, At least I don't feel any urges in the moment to PMO!
Have a nice day!
/J
 
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Emptyroom

Member
Day 17 (saturday night).
Today was full of activities with friends. Tomorrow will be a day for study and maybe that will make me have more urges.
I had an interesting conversation yesterday that made me think about self-development and my life.
I have felt for some time that I don't know how to love unselfishly. I would like to develop an inner life that I feel is absent right now. I feel like I want to find something in my being and focus on it and make it grow. I don't know. But I think that this journey towards a PMO-free life is bound to other positive journeys in your life. I feel that I want to go on a journey of self-discovery.
I want to develop an emotional intelligence or awareness. I want to seek within myself and explore my inner world.

Another thing I want to do is to develop physically. My first step (except going to judo-classes) is to do ten pushups every day and ten sit-ups. I don't want to set too many goals at once but I also want to run more.

Another thing that I want to do is to develop a better study-routine. I want to be more efficient when I study and focus on my tasks in a better way.

The key to many of these goals is to plan my days in advance. I remember a time when I planned my activities every day. I remember how much I used to love that. I didn't understand how I had managed without doing that at the time. I lost that habit last year but I want to bring it back!
I should buy a better daily planner.
I could have different colors for different areas of my life.
One color for schoolwork.
One color for physical activity.
One color for thought, reading about self-improvement and meditation.
One color for spending time with friends.
I feel excited about this now but also a little worried about doing to much to fast and loosing the energy to keep this up.

I want to light metaphorical candles in my life because I have realized that I cannot fight darkness (my addiction). I can only light candles.
 
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Emptyroom

Member
Day 19.
Positive things:
1. I am starting to wake up with stronger erections now. That makes me feel like I am making progress.

2. I haven't had any urges now for a few days. I feel that I might have entered a faze of this where I run a lower risk of relapse than before but I will be watchful every day and monitor myself. I know from experience that it will become harder again when the days start to build up.

3. I have been talking to this woman that has a great understanding of love and just being near her has affected my energy and made me think about how i perceive love. I have realized that all the love that I feel towards other people is within me and not something that I have to get from the other people. I don't have to receive a lot of love from others to feel love because it is already inside of me. Even if this isn't a proper realization I still feel good knowing that I am exploring this topic. I want to learn and grow from my experiences with this woman.

4. I feel better about my studies now than I did last week. I feel that it is interesting and that I can read the material and sort of memorize it in the time given to me to do so.

Negative things:

1. I haven't begun to organize my days in an efficient way.

2. I haven't been doing push-ups or pull-ups yet.

3. I have been waking up quite late I feel. Or rather, I have woken up kind of early but I haven't gotten up and eaten breakfast until close to lunchtime.

I should buy myself a better planner and some new pencils soon. Maybe today.

I'm hoping that I can get together with this woman. I am going out with her tomorrow but I don't know if she thinks about our meeting in a way that makes me a potential partner for her. She is very open and maybe I can talk to her about it. That might sound weird to you but she is a very different person and she is teaching me about love.

Have a nice day!

/J
 

Emptyroom

Member
Day 21.
I haven't experienced any urges since I wrote here last time. I have a lot of studies to do now and I am often busy..
I realized today that I don't have much time over to do anything other that to study but I will force myself to take breaks and relax and do other things even though I am stressed about my studies.
I haven't really studied today because I have been feeling a overpowered so I needed some time away from the books. I also had my second dose of the Covid-vaccine today so that has made me inclined to take a daily break. The greatest achievement of the day is that I got myself a better daily planner than the one I had and I got myself some different colored pens that I will use to organize my days.
I was sick the day I was supposed to meet this new woman. I hope that we can meet during the weekend.
My energy is sort of low and has been that way for a few days. Maybe I need to change my diet.

I feel that I might have to postpone my goals about doing exercise every day because I feel that I have a lot on my shoulders as it is right now. But maybe some exercise could raise my energy levels. I don't know. I will exercise if I feel like it.
My first goal right now is to pass my exam that is in two weeks. The second goal is to mix my schoolwork with activities that will release my stress. If I can't deal with my levels of stress it could lead me to have urges if I'm not careful.

Your brother on this journey,
/J
 

Emptyroom

Member
Day 24.
I feel that I'm finally back on the horse when It comes to my journey away from the sad life of an active PMO-addict. But my last few attempts weren't that different and I lost those battles so I will be weary of any celebration.
I feel a bit better about my schoolwork. But that is what I will have to focus on almost all day for two weeks now. Today I felt an urge or something when I saw ad that I remember thinking sexually about some years ago. It was not hard to resist it but I don't feel good about it because things like that could lead me in the wrong direction. I also spend to much time on Tinder. I try not to look too much at the pictures though. Maybe I'm fooling myself and Tinder is a way for me to replace P. I have my doubts about that though. I will think more about it. It would be a shame if Tinder would lead me to a relapse. It would be stupid. I don't know. I am going to meet with a person in real life soon and maybe that will lead me to delete Tinder anyway.
The best thing about today is that I found my notebook that I have been searching for. It is the book where I count my days. I lost it on day 4 and It felt really good to add the new days to it.
A counter really helps you to focus on this journey I feel.

Your brother on this journey.

/J
 
Brother, thank you for your posts. You have no idea what it just did to me. You are explaining my life in this thread. I bookmarked this forum months ago and used to just read the first two posts on your road to 580 days for inspiration. I'm currently on day 5 of my streak and I've been going down memory lane as I read you make it to 60 days and relapsing. I'm all too familiar with that chaser effect, but sadly I've only made it to 10 days without porn in my life. I first saw porn at 11 and it became a daily thing by 13. Now, I have no friends, I'm a 25 year old virgin, and a socially awkward weirdo who has zero confidence all because of porn. And as I read your posts, It confirmed that we really are addicts for life. We cannot have porn in our lives anymore, and that thought is terrifying because of we have been tricked into loving it. I spent thirty minutes reading your posts to avoid PMOing and as I write this, the urges are just getting stronger. But you've reminded me a lot of of the holes we fall into and I just have to remember to take it a day at a time. Thanks again. And best of luck.
 

Emptyroom

Member
Day 26.
Today I feel a strange mix of feelings: longing, sadness, calm, stress and joy and loneliness. I don't feel any urges, I don't feel like I need to escape these feelings. Or I don't know. I can't be sure of that. I bought some candy for myself today, on a weekday, so maybe I am trying to sooth myself and escape. I will not be able to see the person that I like for a week or two. I don't know if she likes me. We had a long phone conversation that was really interesting. We where going to meet yesterday but she felt a bit sick.
I won't have much time to see anyone now for a while. I have to study hard for two weeks. It feel like I have gone into hibernation or isolated myself from the world and still it feels like I'm going to fail but it feels like that every time and I haven't failed yet.
I would like to spend more time with friends this week but is really hard when I need to study so much! The most pressing thing in my mind is that I want to talk to this woman again but I don't want to sound to needy! I don't want to make her lose interest.
I guess these are all good problems to have.

/J
 

Emptyroom

Member
Day 27. I talked with this woman that I have been talking about that really found a connection with yesterday. I was on the phone with her for one and a half hour. A few days ago we talked for two hours. I found out that she want to meet me more to see if she wants to have a romantic relationship with me! I feel the same way as her. We have a connection when we speak, but I want to be careful and see if I really like her or if I just like the conversations that we are having and what she is teaching me about love. I feel that I easily could grow to love her though! Sex is not my motivation to meet her. I want to feel that romantic connection.

I went to judo practice today. Even though I could have stayed home and studied. I feel that I made the right choice. I can't work myself to death. I need to let some time go to other things. I felt exhausted afterwards. That's a good thing!

I feel calm and peaceful!

I hope things are going well for anyone reading this and everyone else on this forum! You are in the right place!

/J
 

Emptyroom

Member
Day 28. Today I was out and spent some time with this woman. I think that she had a good time. She had to go pretty early though. I wanted to spend more time with her and I hope that she doesn't feel that I am to clingy. I don't want to think too much about her and wanting to be with her to much. I have to be able to think about other aspects of my life without having thoughts of my relationship with her getting in the way. I have to be able to accept what happens even If we don't become a couple. When I think about her I feel I can't study properly. I have to be able to focus. I have to be prepared to lose this woman. I should do all I can not to seem desperate. I don't need her to be happy. I need to relax,
breath and not focus on only one aspect of my life. I have to let go of thoughts of a future with this woman. But I hope I will be able to see her in the near future. Maybe we will become only friends. And that's okay!

/J
 

Emptyroom

Member
Day 31.
Things didn't work out with this woman. I said that I wanted to kiss her two days ago. Yesterday she wrote to me and said that she now only was interested in having a platonic relationship with me. She had changed her mind about me. I guess that I was too clingy. I wrote a bit too much to her. She didn't want to tell me why she made her choice but I think it was because she didn't feel that I was completely trusting or open or that I was too afraid of being rejected. Anyway, I am now in the process of grieving this loss. I feel a sadness in my stomach and a heaviness in my body and a stress in my limbs. I feel that I learned very important things while being with her and it definitely was a good and giving experience. I feel that it might have been for the best that she let me go but I still wonder how it could have been. She was on a higher level than me in life. I feel that she made my emotional intelligence improve a lot and I am very grateful. She was something special but it wasn't to be. I'm not sure if she is serious in wanting to continue being friends with me and that makes me a bit sad also. She has made me want to improve my life. I don't know if I feel that I have a higher risk now of relapsing now. I guess that's the case but I don't feel close to relapsing but you never know. I think being on this forum helps me a lot to feel grounded in this journey.

I feel that my studies are going well now. I'm glad that my course is over soon . I'm not as worried about it as I was last week.

I don't remember if I told you guys, but I deleted tinder when I met this woman and I don't think that I will start a new account. It doesn't feel right. It feels like it makes me feel worse and focus too much on getting someone to sleep with. I want to meet someone in a more natural way but I am still in the process of grieving. I have to wait with any thoughts about that. I feel stress in my legs and feet and a stiffness in my back. I want to take what I have learned from this woman and try to take care of my body and mind. I am a bit angry that she didn't tell me why. It makes it hard for me to be grateful for her right now. I feel grateful for this forum, I feel grateful that I have friends that I can rely on. I am grateful that I feel good about my studies. I am grateful for my new emotional understanding. I just need to wait and let this sadness be a part of my life for a while. I need to experience it. I will try to be careful about any thoughts that could lead me to have cravings.
I didn't realize until now that I have passed 30 days! That is so great! I am proud of myself that I made it this far again! It is really an achievement! I have really been doing some good work now and I deserve to bask in the glory for a little while!

I wish peace for all of my readers!
/J
 
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Phineas 808

Respected Member
Sorry for this woman's rejection, Emptyroom. She's not meant to be the one. But how exciting that you get to meet someone in a more natural way, as you said.

Congratulations on the 30 days, too! Glad you're finding that traction again.
 

canguro

Active Member
I'm really sorry it finally didn't work out with her and I can relate so much...but it's impressive how self-reflected you are and that you aren't giving in now! Keep going!
 

Emptyroom

Member
Sorry for this woman's rejection, Emptyroom. She's not meant to be the one. But how exciting that you get to meet someone in a more natural way, as you said.

Congratulations on the 30 days, too! Glad you're finding that traction again.
I'm really sorry it finally didn't work out with her and I can relate so much...but it's impressive how self-reflected you are and that you aren't giving in now! Keep going!

Thank you very much for your encouraging and nice comments! You guys really help me to feel connected on this forum! I appreciate it very much!

I feel strong somehow despite of this loss. But I could easily be deceiving myself. Maybe it is easier than normal because I am forced to keep myself busy with my studies. I have to wait and see and not let my guard down.

I feel better in my body today but I feel a bit stiff from sitting down to much.

I want to spend more time in meditation. I also want to stretch more! I would like to be able to sit in the lotus-position. I will try to make it a habit to meditate and to stretch before bed. I will not make it a rule. I will try to do it. I also want to connect more to what people say and feel and listen more. These are some of my goals not related to my studies. I have dropped the goal of daily exercise. I might try to do some work on that front in the near future but not right now. I have a hard time keeping goals I set for myself in stone. I would like to find a way to build habits without it feeling forced.
 

Emptyroom

Member
Day 37.
I have been having some urges today. I think it might be because I feel a bit unsure of myself when It comes to my future. I have doubts about myself. I am a bit worried that I don't have it in me to do the school work that is demanded of me. I don't know if I can be a good teacher. I have also been noticing that I have been objectifying women strangers that I encounter more than before.
Right now, I feel cold and hungry. Also, I'm not in the mood to study even though I probably should.
My back hurts and I don't feel relaxed.
I think that It really helps me to write or think about what I'm feeling in my body. I will stop my studies for today. I have done an okay job and I will work more tomorrow and I have plenty of time during the weekend to study. I will go to a bar and have a good time with my friends now.
 
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Emptyroom

Member
Day 39.
It is Sunday. I feel that I am allowed to be a little lazy today. I have studied a lot and I feel that I can keep up with the work for now.
I have a new computer and I think that it somehow helps me. But I will have to block webbsites all over again. I will do that today.

I have been on a date with a person that used to be my landlord. She is attractive and I liked spending time with her but she is coming out of a deep depression. Her mental state makes me doubt that I should be in a relationship with her. I feel like she might be in a mental hole and that she wants to use me to bring herself out of that hole. It seems a bit to me that she wants to use me to get friends and happiness. I don´t know. She seems a bit desperate and I am afraid that she will become very clingy and give me stress. Also, I don't want to risk getting in too deep and then end up hurting someone that is mentally unstable. I don't know if I want to be in a relationship with someone that has mental health problems. If someone has more experience than me about this I would appreciate some advice. Maybe I'm just ignorant about these things or wrong about her.

I am a bit worried now today about growing sexual energy. I would like to learn how maintain and store sexual energy in my body without risking going to P. I know that if I don't orgasm or learn how to deal with the energy, It will eventually not be possible for me to resist going back to PMO.
That is what happened last time when I made it to 63 days. I have 24 days left before I reach that point again.

This is what I wrote back then:
Emptyroom said:
How will I prevent this from happening in the future?

Well, the major problem I think, was that I didn't have enough understanding of how I could handle the stored sexual energy that built up inside me. It made me so uncomfortable that it was really hard for me to bear. For the future I will seriously practice meditation and read about sexual energy and how to handle it. This time I nether had the understanding or the training to deal with it.

The second problem was that I wasn't very serious about wanting to quit. I wrote a lot of things to motivate myself but really I wanted to use and that lead to thoughts and thoughts lead to urges. I need to sort of brainwash myself by reading about this subject and thinking about it and keep the information about P and about myself in my consciousness.

The third problem was that I didn't focus on growing as a person. I didn't have goals for myself. I wasn't focusing on building myself to be who I want to be. I didn't use my planner to meet these goals. I only planned schoolwork. I focused to much on handling my urges and to little on fun projects and friends.
Click to expand...
This is what I will have to do. I will have to start meditating more, and I will have to read about sexual energy. I will start today.

I feel that I am in a better state of mind than I was back then. I feel more serious about quitting or more ready to quit.
I also feel that my schoolwork is connected to me improving as a human being right now. I meet friends often and I practice judo. I could give myself more goals but I feel that I am doing plenty of stuff to improve. Sure I could improve in more ways but I think the major priority for me is focusing on learning how to handle sexual energy.
 
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