Emptyroom
Active Member
Journal. Day 63.
Well, today has been a mixed day. I woke up in the morning after a dream about P. There's nothing to do about that. The day went just fine. Some really great things happened: I decided to take a run through the park! I haven't exercised in a long time and It felt like an achievement. I finished all of my daily goals and I had a lot of energy. The worst thing that happened today was that I was looking at the YouTube front page and saw a clickbait video with a girl taking of her top. It had millions of views. Without even thinking about it, I clicked on the video and searched through it to find the thumbnail part. Thankfully it was just clickbait and there wasn't any nudity but I still made the choice to actively search for nudity. That must have activated a part of my brain that I want to get rid off. Afterwards, I sort of woke up and felt a bit bad about it. Another part of me was sad that I hadn't fallen down the slippery slope. I feel like I have two different people living inside my being. One part of me is annoyed that I wont allow myself the pleasure of watching P or masturbating. That part doesn't understand that I stand to gain so much more in the long run by leaving that part of my life behind me and that the feelings of discomfort is temporary. What can I do to prevent this from happening again? Firstly, I will not go to the YouTube front page anymore. I will only watch certain channels. Secondly, I will keep applying my strategies and not forget about this struggle and become complacent. Even If I don't feel urges all the time, It can come suddenly like today and place me back where I started again in no time at all. When something triggers me again I have to have the strength to just say no and not throw away my life. When the urge comes again I must make the right choice! Even If I don't want to!
Well, today has been a mixed day. I woke up in the morning after a dream about P. There's nothing to do about that. The day went just fine. Some really great things happened: I decided to take a run through the park! I haven't exercised in a long time and It felt like an achievement. I finished all of my daily goals and I had a lot of energy. The worst thing that happened today was that I was looking at the YouTube front page and saw a clickbait video with a girl taking of her top. It had millions of views. Without even thinking about it, I clicked on the video and searched through it to find the thumbnail part. Thankfully it was just clickbait and there wasn't any nudity but I still made the choice to actively search for nudity. That must have activated a part of my brain that I want to get rid off. Afterwards, I sort of woke up and felt a bit bad about it. Another part of me was sad that I hadn't fallen down the slippery slope. I feel like I have two different people living inside my being. One part of me is annoyed that I wont allow myself the pleasure of watching P or masturbating. That part doesn't understand that I stand to gain so much more in the long run by leaving that part of my life behind me and that the feelings of discomfort is temporary. What can I do to prevent this from happening again? Firstly, I will not go to the YouTube front page anymore. I will only watch certain channels. Secondly, I will keep applying my strategies and not forget about this struggle and become complacent. Even If I don't feel urges all the time, It can come suddenly like today and place me back where I started again in no time at all. When something triggers me again I have to have the strength to just say no and not throw away my life. When the urge comes again I must make the right choice! Even If I don't want to!