Journaling to freedom

I'm starting this journal to free myself from PMO. I'm a 24 year old man with a beautiful and loving wife and I work a steady job with a steady income. I have been using P ever since I was a teenager. For the last few years I have been seriously addicted to cam sites, particularly the one with the red backround.

I have read horror stories of guys spending a huge amount of money and getting in debt because of cam sites. I thank God that I haven't spent more than 200 euros (which is still 200 euros too much). My use of these sites has been mostly just edging without spending. Funnily enough whenever I have made the decision to purchase credits I O before making the payment. And whenever I have succesfully purchased credits the biggest excitement goes away. So I seem to get the biggest dopamine hit whenever I'm about to purchase credits.

I haven't been able to go without PMO for more than 14 days since I can remember. Mostly my PMO use comes from boredom. And whenever I get urges I don't care about anything else except getting the dopamine hit.

My wife doesn't know about my addiction. I want to get atleast a little progress before coming clean. I believe I must come clean at some point though, I don't want to be a man with dirty secrets. I just have to hope she will stay by my side.

I usually PMO when I am home alone, which happens a lot since my wife works 9-5 and I have shift work. I have been pondering that I should change my working rhythm also to 9-5 to avoid being alone. I will also install K9 on my PC and have decided that I will throw my smartphone away and just get a simple keypad phone (atleast for the duration of the reboot).

I guess my goal with this reboot is getting rid of the feeling of shame with using PMO. I want to be proud of myself and live with dignity and honour.
 
Well its been 11 days without PMO. Haven't had any real urges or desires. On some days I'm full of energy but on others I'm feeling sluggish and empty. I'm hoping I will have more energy now as spring is emerging. I've tried to spend time in nature and enjoy the small things.

I've installed Forticlient on my PC and I bought myself a "dumb" phone, which I have used for a week now. It feels kinda annoying using an old fashioned phone, but I'm getting used to it. The most annoying bit is seeing just how much we rely on smartphones in our everyday lives. I'll probably go back to my smartphone once I feel I can manage with it. But for sure I'll use this phone for at least 40-50 days. It feels kinda liberating knowing that I can't access P. On my smartphone Incognito-mode was always just a few clicks away.

Here's to hoping I'll get another good week in. To anyone who is reading: good luck with your journey!
 
E

escapeandnevercomeback

Guest
Flyfisherman said:
Well its been 11 days without PMO. Haven't had any real urges or desires. On some days I'm full of energy but on others I'm feeling sluggish and empty. I'm hoping I will have more energy now as spring is emerging. I've tried to spend time in nature and enjoy the small things.

I've installed Forticlient on my PC and I bought myself a "dumb" phone, which I have used for a week now. It feels kinda annoying using an old fashioned phone, but I'm getting used to it. The most annoying bit is seeing just how much we rely on smartphones in our everyday lives. I'll probably go back to my smartphone once I feel I can manage with it. But for sure I'll use this phone for at least 40-50 days. It feels kinda liberating knowing that I can't access P. On my smartphone Incognito-mode was always just a few clicks away.

Here's to hoping I'll get another good week in. To anyone who is reading: good luck with your journey!

Great, man! That is a good step. We won't beat this addiction on willpower alone, we need tools to help us. Making porn hard to access is a must.
 

Robert7M

Member
Hello !

Go forward ! Don't abondon, and be more prudent because your body will invite you to relapse but do not accept. From Day 11 in not easy and and that day often there are relachement ( = not observal of principes that you establish ).

- Fight day by day. Make your best to be clean a day, ant the next one you'll do the same.

- You can read in the forum stories of others who succeed, that will encourage you to go forward !

Salutations !
 
Thanks for your support lads! I've been pretty occupied for the last few days working and training. I'll have to make a longer post in a few days where I'll try and map out better where I'm at.
 
Today was the first big trigger in a while. My wife went out and I ended up staying home alone. The biggest urge came when she was leaving, since my brain was thinking that soon its time to PMO. Thankfully I just calmed myself, the urges passed and I opened this journal.

Its been 16 days since I PMO'd and I've been so busy for the last two weeks that it feels like an eternity away. In addition to work most of my free time consists of studying and working out in the gym. Also now that spring is coming and the sun is out I have really enjoyed spending time in nature.

I have to avoid spending time alone at home, at least during the beginning of this reboot. Being alone at home was the most common time for me to PMO. Usually I was on the couch and on my phone. The other time was usually late at night when my wife was asleep, but that was way more inconvenient and it obviously screwed with my sleep a lot.

I believe that I need to form new habits during these times, so that I'm not thinking about PMO'ing but instead occupied on something completely different. The sense of freedom I am trying to attain is that I can be home alone studying or reading (i.e. involved in a demanding high time preference activity) and have the ability to fully concentrate and not have urges to watch porn or log on to a cam site.
 
After 20 days free, now spent yesterday and today in a binge. A bit disappointing but at least I feel that now I've gotten out from the binge (usually takes 3-5 days). Also I managed 20 days which I haven't done since at least last summer.

Why did this happen? I was intimate with my wife three days ago, and after that had constant urges before I cracked. I guess the 'chaser effect' happened. From now on if I'm intimate with my wife I have to stay extremely vigilant for the next couple of days.

I'm gonna try and stay active on this forum so that I won't slack off. I'll keep March free of any more cooming.
 
Posting here again, its been a while. Haven't really had any success in March. I just can't seem to get any momentum and I've been relapsing every few days, sometimes a couple of times a day. Haven't spent any money on camsites (I guess that's an upside).

I really need to change aspects of my life to get myself back on track. My biggest problem is that I have a lot of time alone at home, because I work shifts. And when I'm home alone without anything to do, needless to say, I end up PMO'ing. I'd love to just get out of the house everyday and hike/fish in nature. The problem is that I should also be studying on my free time. And that means I must stay at home. This is something I need to ponder about. But something has to change, I can't just quit porn and leave a vacuum. I'd just be sucked in again (like I have been so many times).

At least I'm grateful I have an outlet like this journal where to muse my thoughts.
 
Hey FlyFisherman,

I know how you feel trying to get consistency but then sometimes feeling super down when you cant. Remember relapse is an opportunity to grow, take a step back and realize what things were working at what things weren't.

The awareness you have to want to get better is the first step to becoming free of this stuff. Proud of your journey, and excited to see you make strides in the months to come.
 
Flyfisherman said:
Posting here again, its been a while. Haven't really had any success in March. I just can't seem to get any momentum and I've been relapsing every few days, sometimes a couple of times a day. Haven't spent any money on camsites (I guess that's an upside).

I really need to change aspects of my life to get myself back on track. My biggest problem is that I have a lot of time alone at home, because I work shifts. And when I'm home alone without anything to do, needless to say, I end up PMO'ing. I'd love to just get out of the house everyday and hike/fish in nature. The problem is that I should also be studying on my free time. And that means I must stay at home. This is something I need to ponder about. But something has to change, I can't just quit porn and leave a vacuum. I'd just be sucked in again (like I have been so many times).

At least I'm grateful I have an outlet like this journal where to muse my thoughts.

Maybe try a personnal schedule 24/7 to plan your weekdays and weekend, every task, set up alarms on the side to prevent you from drifting away into porn or such. This is personally what I'm working on, customizing the alarms as well with Audacity but anyway. All the best
 
Thank you thepornproblem and Purity Power for your support!

I feel like I've been making the same mistakes over and over and thus always ended up relapsing. Usually my urges and relapses come from me feeling bored or that I have failed in something (I think this is also why I usually end up bingeing after a relapse, since I get a feeling of despair and think to myself "I've already done it once today, so why not do it again?"). I believe talking to myself during these moments can help resolve those issues.

Anyway I'll try and remain busy working out, studying and spending time outside. I will plan ahead so that on the days that I would be home alone I'll go fishing or hiking or to the gym (anything to get out of the house really) and when my wife is home with me I'll concentrate on studying and spending time with her. This is at least for the beginning until I reach a solid base and can confidently stay at home alone and manage to study without any severe urges popping up.

I also don't plan to keep a day counter. I'm keeping a calendar and if I relapse, I'll mark the day with a red sign. My goal is to keep the calendar as clean as possible. Other than that I'll just try to forget about porn and concentrate on improving my self and my life.
 

quitforeverthenwin2

Well-Known Member
Nice self awareness, sounds like you know what the problem/ toughest times are.

For me, when stuck in the lapsing cycle - I've found it helpful to do something different. Ad something.

Like if I was journaling daily but lapsed, then getting back to journaling daily here is still great, but adding something else in, like writing in a notebook each evening before bed, or calling a friend each day or whatever helpful. I think it may be psychological, but just adding something new seems to give me a kind of "okay, I have another tool in my toolbox I can get going again" type of feeling. Like it brings the confidence back and enthusiasm to rebuild up to having porn weeks, months ( eventually years and eternity!) in the past.
 
Thanks for the advice  quitforeverthenwin2 !

I've been moderately busy these last few days. Haven't really stayed at home alone. I have also focused on things I enjoy a lot, like reading literature. My studying has gone okay, even though I haven't yet spent more than about 30 mins at a time studying. I'm trying to increase the time and my concentration abilities bit by bit.

I didn't even think about PMO'ing during Easter, since I focused on more spiritual things (reading bible passages, prayer). Felt really good and wholesome afterwards.

 
Just relapsed and actually spent some money on a cam site. Really disappointed with myself. Once again, the act of purchasing credits was way more exciting than anything after it. After purchasing credits I just felt disgusted with my self and spent them as quick as possible. I was home alone, lying on the couch with a smartphone in my hand. That is the way I relapse most of the time.

I really have to start putting more effort into recovery, since my life has been a constant abstinence-binge cycle for the last couple of years. My problem has been that I've stopped PMO'ing but haven't really replaced it with anything. So after my initial motivation wanes off after a few days/weeks, I'm back to bingeing. I also easily forget to stay vigilant and write in my journal. I've seriously been pondering that I must come clean to my wife soon. Possibly that would help me with getting free from this.

For a long time now I've felt morbid and without any real vision for the future. I have a steady job, I work out and spend time with friends and family. But still, whenever I'm home alone, I PMO. I need to use my sexual energy for something productive, but I just don't know what it is yet.
 
I feel like spring is a great time to make progress, simply because the sun is finally out and nature in spring really pretty.

I've been trying to create a plan on how to reach goals that I have created for myself. Most of the trouble in reaching my goals comes from not having a sense of urgency. I need to work on improving my work ethic and impulse control, so that I can actually concentrate on working towards my goals.
 
Some big things happening in my life, I've pretty much forgotten about PMO during the last week. Now the next few weeks will be the real test.

I've been trying to live as healthy as possible (eating clean, training hard, sleeping well and spending time in nature and in the sun etc.), really enjoying it so far. My other goal for the next year is to improve my Russian, which has gone on nicely so far.
 
Can't believe its been two weeks!

I've had a nice positive spring vibe now for a while. I've also avoided staying home alone during crucial times and I think that has really made a difference.

Staying preoccupied with work, studying and spiritual matters has helped a lot. Still, two weeks isn't much, but at least I can now build on this momentum.
 
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