My journey starts now
- Thread starter worth_it
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worth_it
Active Member
Day 12 has been pretty alright. Not many temptations today, but had a moment where I very badly wanted to PMO. In that moment, I thought about stuff I needed to get done and remembered to text a friend of mine. When I texted my friend, the really strong urge mostly went away! It was a nice little victory moment for me. However, while the strength of the urge went away, I still had an urge to PMO so that sucks. I feel like this time around compared to my last streak, I feel more equipped to handle triggers and temptations, but feel like I care less to overcome them. It's really disheartening dealing with that.
Like I know there are things I need to do to stay healthy and clean yet I still feel myself wanting to say screw it, PMO and I'll deal with my problems later. Yet in another way, I find myself not wanting to enter into fantasy like I used to and get encouraged by that. It's so hard feeling this back and forth in me, one part wanting to binge to PMO, go back to my old life and stop giving a crap about my health and all the good things I have, and the other part of me wanting so badly to enjoy the relationships I have with people, the beauty of nature, the wonder of just being in the moment and feeling emotions as they are and being with God. It's hard when you feel so torn, when you feel like the sane part of you wants the right thing, yet the instinctual part of you just wants what it wants and doesn't care what issues it'll cause, and all of that combines to make you feel like a crazy person. I think that's why I have PMO'd sometimes in the past, because I hated the dissonance, the disconnect between what my body is asking for and what I'm living out. I wish this was just a matter of being on autopilot for a few months then waking up and finding my addiction is gone, but it's not that simple. Life will continue to be hard, and PMO will continue to be a desire. I just need to push through this and let these urges pass. Day 13 tomorrow.
Like I know there are things I need to do to stay healthy and clean yet I still feel myself wanting to say screw it, PMO and I'll deal with my problems later. Yet in another way, I find myself not wanting to enter into fantasy like I used to and get encouraged by that. It's so hard feeling this back and forth in me, one part wanting to binge to PMO, go back to my old life and stop giving a crap about my health and all the good things I have, and the other part of me wanting so badly to enjoy the relationships I have with people, the beauty of nature, the wonder of just being in the moment and feeling emotions as they are and being with God. It's hard when you feel so torn, when you feel like the sane part of you wants the right thing, yet the instinctual part of you just wants what it wants and doesn't care what issues it'll cause, and all of that combines to make you feel like a crazy person. I think that's why I have PMO'd sometimes in the past, because I hated the dissonance, the disconnect between what my body is asking for and what I'm living out. I wish this was just a matter of being on autopilot for a few months then waking up and finding my addiction is gone, but it's not that simple. Life will continue to be hard, and PMO will continue to be a desire. I just need to push through this and let these urges pass. Day 13 tomorrow.
Hey, I?m sorry it?s such a struggle man. I completely understand what you are going through. Those two different sides fighting against each other inside of us. Keep fighting, but keep feeding the side that is good and right. You know it to be good, and so I know it?s hard but just keep focusing on doing things that are right and uplifting and encouraging so you can grow the resolve of the side within you that wants to push back against the evil of PMO. I?m praying for you. Take it a day at a time, keep anticipating the triggers and struggles and just try and do anything different to get away from them. I hope I can be some encouragement to ya.
worth_it
Active Member
As always, thank you for the encouragement Redalc, it means a lot to me and I very much appreciate your prayers.
On day 14 today, which marks 2 full weeks free from PMO, and I'm really glad I made it this far. There have been some really really hard moments, sad moments, moments when I wanted to give up on rebooting in general, but I feel like I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel again. It's always been those first two weeks that are the hardest for me.
Been feeling some gains in motivation and confidence again which is nice. I still feel like fantasy just randomly happens intrusively sometimes when I'm with people which makes me feel guilt and shame and I lose focus. Like I sure as heck don't want to be fantasizing messed up stuff when I'm with people and it makes me feel so alone. That being said, I think I'm getting better at dealing with the reality that it'll just be there sometimes and I don't need to legitimize it, just need to understand that it's something my body is doing to remind me that "fantasy has led to dopamine release before so why not this time?"
Like I have said before, I definitely don't feel as mentally strong this time around, which is not fun but I also need to build that mental strength up by getting myself to do things when I don't want to do them. Things like exercising, reading, doing chores around the house, putting others needs above my own. These are things I want to become natural things but naturally I'm very selfish and want to do the easiest things like TV, Youtube, PMO, Video games etc, so when I do the harder things more and deny my own desires, my will power increases and mental strength gets better. Also just need to keep praying for healing and for new ways of viewing my own life apart from a PMO lifestyle. All that being said, I have grown exponentially from the moment I PMO'd on April 1st. I feel myself being much less attracted to the fantasies I would PMO to, and more and more my issue is growing into more of a lust/checking women out problem. Which feels much more natural and normal, like my sexual preferences are beginning to actually change back to the default.
Lastly, sex with my wife is still very challenging, but I need to keep going after it because I know it'll rewire me in the process, and will train me to really view that as my sexual outlet and obviously just help me love my wife better and grow my marriage into a healthier one. I feel more naturally attracted to her than before, but want to find the level of attraction I had when we were dating. Backstory time, when we were dating I was extremely attracted to her and would feel like an animal because I wanted sex so bad (I'm a Christian and we waited till marriage). Then because we kept getting close to having sex, we decided to forgo anything except for kissing for a year or so, maybe a little making out here and there. But during that time, whenever I wanted to do something with her we'd say no of course, and I'd get that sexual frustration out through PMO. As one would imagine, I think that really messed up my brain and associated all sexual release to be through PMO. I don't even think all the super messed up PMO use before that (ages 13-22) led to my sexual dysfunction, I think it was that year stretch where I just said "no sex with girlfriend? I'll just PMO later and that'll fix that" Except it broke me. I'm no doctor, but I really wonder if that's why I have PIED and DE. Anyways, that was an extremely long journal thank you to anyone who read it, but important realization for me that I forgot about.
On day 14 today, which marks 2 full weeks free from PMO, and I'm really glad I made it this far. There have been some really really hard moments, sad moments, moments when I wanted to give up on rebooting in general, but I feel like I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel again. It's always been those first two weeks that are the hardest for me.
Been feeling some gains in motivation and confidence again which is nice. I still feel like fantasy just randomly happens intrusively sometimes when I'm with people which makes me feel guilt and shame and I lose focus. Like I sure as heck don't want to be fantasizing messed up stuff when I'm with people and it makes me feel so alone. That being said, I think I'm getting better at dealing with the reality that it'll just be there sometimes and I don't need to legitimize it, just need to understand that it's something my body is doing to remind me that "fantasy has led to dopamine release before so why not this time?"
Like I have said before, I definitely don't feel as mentally strong this time around, which is not fun but I also need to build that mental strength up by getting myself to do things when I don't want to do them. Things like exercising, reading, doing chores around the house, putting others needs above my own. These are things I want to become natural things but naturally I'm very selfish and want to do the easiest things like TV, Youtube, PMO, Video games etc, so when I do the harder things more and deny my own desires, my will power increases and mental strength gets better. Also just need to keep praying for healing and for new ways of viewing my own life apart from a PMO lifestyle. All that being said, I have grown exponentially from the moment I PMO'd on April 1st. I feel myself being much less attracted to the fantasies I would PMO to, and more and more my issue is growing into more of a lust/checking women out problem. Which feels much more natural and normal, like my sexual preferences are beginning to actually change back to the default.
Lastly, sex with my wife is still very challenging, but I need to keep going after it because I know it'll rewire me in the process, and will train me to really view that as my sexual outlet and obviously just help me love my wife better and grow my marriage into a healthier one. I feel more naturally attracted to her than before, but want to find the level of attraction I had when we were dating. Backstory time, when we were dating I was extremely attracted to her and would feel like an animal because I wanted sex so bad (I'm a Christian and we waited till marriage). Then because we kept getting close to having sex, we decided to forgo anything except for kissing for a year or so, maybe a little making out here and there. But during that time, whenever I wanted to do something with her we'd say no of course, and I'd get that sexual frustration out through PMO. As one would imagine, I think that really messed up my brain and associated all sexual release to be through PMO. I don't even think all the super messed up PMO use before that (ages 13-22) led to my sexual dysfunction, I think it was that year stretch where I just said "no sex with girlfriend? I'll just PMO later and that'll fix that" Except it broke me. I'm no doctor, but I really wonder if that's why I have PIED and DE. Anyways, that was an extremely long journal thank you to anyone who read it, but important realization for me that I forgot about.
worth_it
Active Member
Hey all, on day 17 right now which I'm happy about. Nothing is as easy as last time. It seems that I really truly have to take it day by day, and often times feel like I'm gonna relapse soon, but have made it 17 days so I'm glad about that. Haven't felt urges today which is great, been thinking about what got me to the place I'm at right now with PIED and DE and being addicted to PMO. Been feeling a lot of regret about it which I know isn't gonna help me, but I still feel it so that sucks. There are some days where I'm just deeply apathetic about my future with PMO, and just thinking why did I get myself into this? Why did I have to be so obsessed with it and mess with my teenage years? Why can't I just view my wife correctly and have a healthy sex life? Truly there is no need to have these regrets yet I have them quite often. One day I'll be able to have normal sex. One day I won't feel an urge to PMO so strong that it immobilizes me. For now, that isn't true but I know it will be here soon. I just need to keep working at this and praying about it.
worth_it
Active Member
Alright, so update and confession time. First off, I lied in my journals and said I would talk to my wife when I relapsed. I didn't ever do that. I only told her about a few times when I peeked at P but never when I PMO'd. So, on Sunday I PMO'd again. At first, I tried to brush it off like it wasn't a big deal, but very quickly I started freaking out. I began uncontrollably sobbing and feel like I was having a bit of a mental breakdown. It was at that moment that I decided it was time to fully come clean to my wife.
So an hour later when she came home, I told her. I cried even harder when I told her, and she was as gracious as humanly possible. I have no idea how I got so fortunate but she treated me so lovingly and said it's okay that I PMO'd and when I told her I lied to her she was definitely very hurt, but just told me never to lie to her again. I've never had a lying issue with stuff other than PMO because of shame and thinking I could do it all on my own. It was all so insane, but now I've told my wife. I apologize to those I lied to on this forum about talking to my wife, but things are getting better and better between us and I'm now going to seek professional help for my PMO addiction. It feels so freeing to let her into my whole story, and I feel much more capable of overcoming this. Anyways, that's my story. I'm probably going to take a bit of a step back from posting on here, since this was kind of an outlet for me when I wouldn't tell my wife much of anything. There's still a lot of value in journaling progress though, so I will still be on here. Appreciate you all, and heading onto day 4 free from PMO. Feeling very hopeful for the future.
So an hour later when she came home, I told her. I cried even harder when I told her, and she was as gracious as humanly possible. I have no idea how I got so fortunate but she treated me so lovingly and said it's okay that I PMO'd and when I told her I lied to her she was definitely very hurt, but just told me never to lie to her again. I've never had a lying issue with stuff other than PMO because of shame and thinking I could do it all on my own. It was all so insane, but now I've told my wife. I apologize to those I lied to on this forum about talking to my wife, but things are getting better and better between us and I'm now going to seek professional help for my PMO addiction. It feels so freeing to let her into my whole story, and I feel much more capable of overcoming this. Anyways, that's my story. I'm probably going to take a bit of a step back from posting on here, since this was kind of an outlet for me when I wouldn't tell my wife much of anything. There's still a lot of value in journaling progress though, so I will still be on here. Appreciate you all, and heading onto day 4 free from PMO. Feeling very hopeful for the future.
Will be continuing to pray for you, as you seek different outlets and help. I?m glad you told your wife and she reacted so lovingly. That?s really great, and I?m sure will be so very helpful for you now and in the future. I know the shame you are feeling, push past it, ask forgiveness, and take it one day at a time. Stay accountable. Appreciate you man.
worth_it
Active Member
Thank you all for the encouragement. It really means a lot. The last week and a half has been challenging but good. I told my friends who I lied to about my issues with PMO and they forgave me for lying to them and showed a lot of support with my battle against PMO addiction. Things with my wife have been good, really not many issues caused by my PMO relapse a couple Sundays ago, other than her being more hurt about the fact that I'm rarely in the mood for anything sexual. It's like every time I PMO I send myself into a flatline, and don't have a libido at all. That's what makes getting free so hard. I want to enjoy sex, but I can't. I know that I need to be free for an extended period of time if I want to enjoy good sex, but it's so hard to let go fully of PMO as this outlet. The struggle is legitimate and powerful.
In terms of restrictions, I have many more in place to be free from PMO, am seeing a therapist now, and am openly talking with my wife about it, so I'm overall feeling like healing is going to be easier with my current situation. In terms of urges to PMO, not much the last 11 days. While not a perfect motivator, my wife being in on my struggle really helps me want to be free. I'm hopeful that as time goes by, my brain will keep healing, I will more consistently enjoy my wife sexually, the urges will lessen, and I will have people to talk to along every step of the journey. Halfway through day 11. I want this so bad. Healing and freedom are just around the corner.
In terms of restrictions, I have many more in place to be free from PMO, am seeing a therapist now, and am openly talking with my wife about it, so I'm overall feeling like healing is going to be easier with my current situation. In terms of urges to PMO, not much the last 11 days. While not a perfect motivator, my wife being in on my struggle really helps me want to be free. I'm hopeful that as time goes by, my brain will keep healing, I will more consistently enjoy my wife sexually, the urges will lessen, and I will have people to talk to along every step of the journey. Halfway through day 11. I want this so bad. Healing and freedom are just around the corner.
worth_it
Active Member
Onto day 16 today! Life keeps on getting better the more I’m removed from my relapse. Living truthfully with my wife and friends is 100x easier than trying to remember all the lies I was telling. So silly of me to keep that up for so long but I’m really blessed with a lot of deeply understanding people in my life who want to see me get better. Met with a counselor and it’s really been helping already just to be able to talk through it with them. Talking to a professional is a really good idea and there is online counseling these days too, would definitely recommend it to those who are on the fence about it and can’t seem to find freedom.
Learning new ways to view my wife in a more healthy way since I feel like I put P actresses in the sexual category of my brain and it’s like my wife isn’t naturally in that category for me. It’s pretty discouraging to admit that but I know it’s a healthy step in getting better. Because partially the reason why I’m still wanting PMO is due to not feeling like I’m “fully” satisfied with sex with my wife, because she hasn’t been in the correct category of my brain. So it’s an interesting thing to learn.
I do feel like I’m continually growing every day which is awesome, one big thing is not peeking at all and not even playing that game in my head. I had my wife change the passwords on my computer and am going to have her change it on the phone soon, which makes it harder to break those barriers. I have had some moments remembering the videos I watched of course, but that’s always been an aspect of recovery. Just trying to get better and learn to move past those intrusive thoughts more easily. Growth continues, and I’m happy about that!
Learning new ways to view my wife in a more healthy way since I feel like I put P actresses in the sexual category of my brain and it’s like my wife isn’t naturally in that category for me. It’s pretty discouraging to admit that but I know it’s a healthy step in getting better. Because partially the reason why I’m still wanting PMO is due to not feeling like I’m “fully” satisfied with sex with my wife, because she hasn’t been in the correct category of my brain. So it’s an interesting thing to learn.
I do feel like I’m continually growing every day which is awesome, one big thing is not peeking at all and not even playing that game in my head. I had my wife change the passwords on my computer and am going to have her change it on the phone soon, which makes it harder to break those barriers. I have had some moments remembering the videos I watched of course, but that’s always been an aspect of recovery. Just trying to get better and learn to move past those intrusive thoughts more easily. Growth continues, and I’m happy about that!
worth_it
Active Member
Day 33! Life continues to move forward! Sad that I don't post here as much, but I do think there was an unhealthy reliance on this website for me for a while, so that's a huge reason I'm not on here much anymore, but I still read people's journals once in a while. Still have some struggles with checking women out IRL and looking a bit too long at online advertisements that pop up, the other day I had a setback where I looked at some youtube videos that were sexual in nature (first time I've done that in this attempt at recovery), but other than that, PMO is really becoming less and less a part of my life. Over the last 3 and a half months, I've relapsed only 2 times which is so much more in the direction I want to keep going in. I rarely could keep it going past 1-2 weeks in the past, and now I'm almost at 2 times in 4 months. I definitely don't want to be looking at sexual stuff on Youtube or the computer at all but there is definite growth happening within me.
PIED and DE are still challenging, and haven't gotten much better at all but the way my wife and I are handling it is so much better. Was able to have a really healthy convo with her recently about how to help me in the bedroom which encouraged me a lot, and hoping to continue to make that link in my brain between real life intimacy and sexual arousal, and kill the link between PMO and sexual arousal. I was thinking and praying today about what I really want, which is to get to the point where the only option in my mind for a sexual outlet is sex. I can be free from PMO for that first period of time a heck of a lot easier now, and can note my triggers, but I want to rewire. I suppose it'll really come down to whether I can make it for longer, which is super simple, but daunting.
I continue to go to counseling, it's been very helpful to talk about my past and issues with addiction, and I'm really glad I made that decision. As always, I just long to be recovered. I long for the day I'm healthy so I can have a healthy libido and a more frequent sex life, and I long for the day where PMO (or even checking women out or looking at sexual ads that pop up) is not what I want anymore. For now, I've healed a lot, am living much more free and joyfully, and am gonna keep pushing for full recovery. Appreciate all of you, keep fighting day by day and don't give in!
PIED and DE are still challenging, and haven't gotten much better at all but the way my wife and I are handling it is so much better. Was able to have a really healthy convo with her recently about how to help me in the bedroom which encouraged me a lot, and hoping to continue to make that link in my brain between real life intimacy and sexual arousal, and kill the link between PMO and sexual arousal. I was thinking and praying today about what I really want, which is to get to the point where the only option in my mind for a sexual outlet is sex. I can be free from PMO for that first period of time a heck of a lot easier now, and can note my triggers, but I want to rewire. I suppose it'll really come down to whether I can make it for longer, which is super simple, but daunting.
I continue to go to counseling, it's been very helpful to talk about my past and issues with addiction, and I'm really glad I made that decision. As always, I just long to be recovered. I long for the day I'm healthy so I can have a healthy libido and a more frequent sex life, and I long for the day where PMO (or even checking women out or looking at sexual ads that pop up) is not what I want anymore. For now, I've healed a lot, am living much more free and joyfully, and am gonna keep pushing for full recovery. Appreciate all of you, keep fighting day by day and don't give in!
worth_it
Active Member
Hey all, back on day 52 to share how I’ve been doing.
So I have indeed made it 52 days without PMO which ties my best streak in the past! Very exciting, though it’s been anything but a perfect streak. First 40 days or so I didn’t struggle with much of anything other than some sadness and low energy. However my wife left town for 2 weekends in a row, and I looked at P both weekends, the first weekend for around 30 minutes and the second for 2 hours or so. I didn’t MO but I know (and can tell based off of how my body has reacted) that it was extremely damaging to my brain to watch P, especially with the frequency that I did. It was very disappointing how much I gave into it, and some would consider it a full on relapse, but I’ve decided to split the two up as many other have, because I’ve seen some real growth in not MOing to P.
So I’m on day 52 from PMO and day 4 from P. I recognize that my body would have reacted way worse had I MO’d, and feel like I’ve lost some progress but for the most part I’m still moving forward! Just gotta stay away completely from looking stuff up! Only 38 days till I’m at 90 days which is an arbitrary but exciting number!
So I have indeed made it 52 days without PMO which ties my best streak in the past! Very exciting, though it’s been anything but a perfect streak. First 40 days or so I didn’t struggle with much of anything other than some sadness and low energy. However my wife left town for 2 weekends in a row, and I looked at P both weekends, the first weekend for around 30 minutes and the second for 2 hours or so. I didn’t MO but I know (and can tell based off of how my body has reacted) that it was extremely damaging to my brain to watch P, especially with the frequency that I did. It was very disappointing how much I gave into it, and some would consider it a full on relapse, but I’ve decided to split the two up as many other have, because I’ve seen some real growth in not MOing to P.
So I’m on day 52 from PMO and day 4 from P. I recognize that my body would have reacted way worse had I MO’d, and feel like I’ve lost some progress but for the most part I’m still moving forward! Just gotta stay away completely from looking stuff up! Only 38 days till I’m at 90 days which is an arbitrary but exciting number!
worth_it
Active Member
Day 63 of no MO, wanted to check in. I’ve been really struggling lately with P, just looked at P yesterday for a few, looked at P the day before for a few, then 7 days before that I visited P sites for an hour. Just not a good time. I am glad I haven’t MO’d but I have been basically falling back into my old ways with P even if it hasn’t involved MOing. I want to be free from this garbage but I can’t seem to find real freedom. Gonna keep pushing, need to refocus and remember where I’ve been and where I’m going, need to plan my days better, when my wife leaves these days it’s a lot harder to avoid P and I want to enter back into awareness of trigger moments. Anyways, let’s get free. Day 64 of no MO tomorrow and day 2 of no P.
worth_it
Active Member
On day 67 free from MO. Cannot for the life of me find freedom from P. Day 0 again, just seeing the wheels kind of fall off for me when it comes to P relapses. Had a moment today when I remembered how much better it is to be free from P and the fantasies and lies it promotes. Since then I’ve been doing much better but no guarantees I won’t fall right back into it. Viewing P isn’t as bad as PMOing but still awful and messing with my brain. Very glad I haven’t MO’d, that’s bringing me joy that I’ve abstained from that. This crap is hard, gotta keep pushing and learning from my mistakes.
worth_it
Active Member
Day 69 free from MO, day 1 free from P. This week has been awful, relapsed by looking at P from Monday to Friday everyday. I finally had a moment of realization yesterday when I remembered how much I hate P. Now I feel a lot better and ready to overcome this. I will say as I have before that I’m encouraged and proud of myself for not PMOing despite the strong desire to, I think that’s saved me a lot of pain and has caused the P use to set me back less than if I had MO’d along with it. Today is the first day in about a week that I feel ready to attack this crap again. I want to be free forever. Not just from MOing but from ever looking at P. Thanks Redalc for the response, I know I’ve been gone a lot and it’s nice to hear from you, I installed covenant eyes a while back but I am really good at finding loopholes and back doors, but have basically come to the decision that I’m gonna block every app that provides internet access other than covenant eyes. On iPhones you can do that, so I’m hoping and praying that helps. Onward, time to beat this!
worth_it
Active Member
Hello all, I decided it's time to get going on this forum again because I am really unable to get any momentum recently and have found that journaling my thoughts and seeing other's journeys is super helpful for me to stay aware of the serious struggle this addiction is. So I am at day 0 from PMO and P, everything. I PMO'd to break a streak of over 100 days free from PMO (was only a few days free from P) on Wednesday, July 27th. Then I PMO'd again on Thursday, then today. It's getting really bad again, and I have not told anyone in my life about it because I feel so much shame. I will tell my therapist, and plan to tell my wife but truthfully am so fearful about talking to her about it. I know it will be needed, but am just really scared about her reaction and the broken trust and all that stuff. I don't need any help there, I recognize I just need to tell her and deal with the fact that I already PMO'd and it's too late to take it back or live in a lie that I'm PMO free. But anyways, it just sucks being at day 0. It's time to be more aware of my moods and moments that are hard for me throughout each day so I can keep building up more awareness to become a more healthy person.
Analysis of my PMO today: I was alone (I only PMO alone if you have read my journals in the past), caught myself beginning to check out my neighbor and we almost locked eyes which made me feel shame. Right after that, I started slowly loopholing my way into finding P and MOing soon after. I recognize that in the future, I need to see that I'm feeling shame and remove myself from any devices, pray and process through the fact that shame is a huge trigger for me to PMO.
Tomorrow, I'm going to be free from PMO and it's going to make my life better. One day at a time. As I wrote this, I've decided I'm not going to count anymore. But I will journal every day, and explain where I'm at and how I'm doing. I appreciate all of you who are so diligent at getting better.
Analysis of my PMO today: I was alone (I only PMO alone if you have read my journals in the past), caught myself beginning to check out my neighbor and we almost locked eyes which made me feel shame. Right after that, I started slowly loopholing my way into finding P and MOing soon after. I recognize that in the future, I need to see that I'm feeling shame and remove myself from any devices, pray and process through the fact that shame is a huge trigger for me to PMO.
Tomorrow, I'm going to be free from PMO and it's going to make my life better. One day at a time. As I wrote this, I've decided I'm not going to count anymore. But I will journal every day, and explain where I'm at and how I'm doing. I appreciate all of you who are so diligent at getting better.
worth_it
Active Member
Hey all, I am back on RN. The last few months have been rough. Life has been challenging, PMO is a once-to-twice a week occurrence, and I'm currently 4 days free from PMO. I've joined a recovery group that I meet with and get coached and counseled through, and it's helped a lot with my mindset, but sadly not too much with sustained freedom. I would really like to see a really long streak, and I've found that journaling about most of my days is super helpful, especially when there are people who read and comment and encourage me. So, here I am.
First, I'll process a bit about how I'm feeling right now. Feeling triggered, and so badly want to relapse. I struggle a lot with getting work done and typically relapse in the middle of the day at this point in my life. I recognize that the relapses are mostly caused by this feeling of struggle against lack of motivation and purposelessness. And I definitely recognize that without a common goal and purpose, I'm just going to keep going back to my addiction. The problem remains that I don't know how to find that. It's a lot easier to relapse than to work on my mindset and trust in God. These moments are painful, filled with two thoughts: one lying to me that it'll be fun to give myself a break from trying so hard, that there's so much comfort to be found in just giving in one more time; and the second one, reminding me how much I hated myself the last time I relapsed, how much time I spent mourning over my decision, and that this isn't what I ever want to do or be, except for the very moment I am relapsing.
My heart is heavy. My body feels tense. I just want this out of my life, but it feels so much easier to give up.
But let's turn that around. I'm going to work hard to finish out this day, then do a workout and do some chores while listening to a podcast, and start stacking healthy activities until I outlast this trigger.
-worth_it
Day 4
First, I'll process a bit about how I'm feeling right now. Feeling triggered, and so badly want to relapse. I struggle a lot with getting work done and typically relapse in the middle of the day at this point in my life. I recognize that the relapses are mostly caused by this feeling of struggle against lack of motivation and purposelessness. And I definitely recognize that without a common goal and purpose, I'm just going to keep going back to my addiction. The problem remains that I don't know how to find that. It's a lot easier to relapse than to work on my mindset and trust in God. These moments are painful, filled with two thoughts: one lying to me that it'll be fun to give myself a break from trying so hard, that there's so much comfort to be found in just giving in one more time; and the second one, reminding me how much I hated myself the last time I relapsed, how much time I spent mourning over my decision, and that this isn't what I ever want to do or be, except for the very moment I am relapsing.
My heart is heavy. My body feels tense. I just want this out of my life, but it feels so much easier to give up.
But let's turn that around. I'm going to work hard to finish out this day, then do a workout and do some chores while listening to a podcast, and start stacking healthy activities until I outlast this trigger.
-worth_it
Day 4