otanerferguson
Active Member
Hi everybody,
I am 20 days shy of forty. It just seems right to post in the "Ages 40 and up" category, since I'll be living through most of my reboot already at 40. My porn journey began when I was about 14 years old, back in 1995. I was an only child to working parents who got home from work at around 7-9 pm, so I would spend my afternoons by myself. I didn't hang with other kids from my neighborhood and I would only hang out with friends over the weekends at my grandparents. I kind of raised myself during weekdays and I would masturbate, I would masturbate a lot to this one magazine and scrambled cable porn (which you could only more or less make out the shapes and the general idea of what was going on). I would come from school, masturbate, fall asleep, do homework, masturbate again, play Doom or Formula 1 on the computer, which had no internet access. I would close my eyes and picture the hottest girls from high-school on top of me too, so there was some good ol' fashion fantasizing about real girls. One time I borrowed a VHS porn tape from this one guy at school and I masturbated 18 times in a row that day (it was a loaner for just a day). I told my best friend in school and later asked him to be on the safe side: "hey man, could you please not tell anyone" and he just looks at me "um, ok". When I stepped into the hallway, an older friend from a year above us shouted: "that's humanly impossible!!!!" He had told everyone. We all laughed, nothing to be embarrassed.
It never, ever, until now, occurred to me that porn wasn't okay. I never felt guilty about it. Heck, I even thought it was a healthy sex behavior and thought that girls who liked porn were better in bed than those who were openly disgusted by it or against it. I really hated the expression, "why would I need to masturbate or porn if I have you," from my girlfriends.
I lost my virginity at 19. I put my penis in her and lasted about 10 seconds before finishing. It was glorious, she was hot. We did it a few more times, without issues. We had fun. I became better at sex and had many girlfriends after that. At 24 I had this longer lasting relationship and we went on a streak of hot sex for 31 days straight. Every day, sometimes a couple of times a day. I would last a long time, but I didn't think I had a problem of delayed ejaculation because she was multi-orgasmic and we enjoyed it. All through this I continued to look at porn. By this time, the internet was already available and I would go to an internet caf? (remember those?) and download a bunch of pictures and go back home and jerk off to them. Again, I thought that just made me better at sex and kept my libido going. My dick never failed me, but I did notice it took me longer to come. Again, this was only in my favor since I thought I was doing a good job of rocking their world by lasting longer. I had this girlfriend, who to this day I still remember as the best sex I ever had and she told me many years later that I was what she compared her men to. She had this gorgeous butt.
At age 30, I had my first Erectile Dysfunction episode. I got a scholarship to go study in The Netherlands and we broke it off with her because we didn't want a long distance relationship. A few days before leaving for Holland, I reunited with this younger girl from my high-school. She was probably 26 and we hit it off. I was charming, she was enjoying herself and we went back to her place. We got naked and then nothing. And she was so hot too. Nothing. I attributed it to alcohol and just sneaked out and never saw her again. I went to the Netherlands. Studying abroad the Degree was very demanding so I didn't get too many opportunities to have real sex. Only a few. By then it took forever to cum. I was masturbating a lot and at the time it was to full blown high-speed internet and one of those Hub tube sites.
Eventually I went back to my country and back home, at 32 I entered another relationship. That one was plagued by me losing my erection in the middle of sex. We had a very bad relationship, with a lot of yelling and it was very unhealthy. I attributed to that my failures in bed. Little did I know that I was cementing my conditioning with tube-porn. I just hadn't attributed to porn, because in my adult life, porn was more of a weekly activity, not a daily one, so I never thought of it as an addiction. Again, I always thought it was healthy sex curiosity. I would edge for some 5 minutes, and I would scrub to the good parts and move on to the next video. I would ejaculate rather quickly and then never think of it for a week or so.
After that it became impossible for me to have my girlfriend ride me, because that was the position I would use when masturbating, and so like the conditioning, it would go hard, last a couple of minutes, and then I would lose the erection. However, since her vagina wouldn't rub against my penis the "right" way, I wouldn't even come. Other positions worked OK more or less, but there was a lot of that. Again, I attributed my problems to our rocky relationship. We broke up and I had a few one night stands after that. The novelty of the one-night stands made it work I guess.
After that I found myself in another relationship. This time with a 40 year old (I was 36 at the time). I was meditating and because of a course I was taking on harnessing flow, I stayed away from screens in general for three months (facebook and all that, but also porn, and I just didn't make the connection). My sex with her was always great, with no exception. It was just great. I used to tell her, baby you are my Viagra. And we fought a lot, but the sex was great. Make up sex even better. I would get boners just talking regular stuff with her on the phone. But since we fought a lot, we eventually decided it was best to part ways. I didn't even notice till now that I was off porn for two years then.
I continued my flow regimen (lots of exercise, reduced screen time, almost no sugar, just water and tea, etc.) and met who's currently my Fianc?e. Our first few months, the sex was great. I never even thought of my earlier problems two girlfriends before and had already decided those were psychological. We have an incredible connection with my Fianc?e, our families get along perfectly, we love each other, I think she's so hot, but after a few months into the relationship I started to have so many ED episodes I lost count. I didn't make the connection, but after changing jobs, I slowly had dropped my flow training good habits, one by one. No more meditation, less attention to what I ate, and LOTS OF PORN BINGEING. Lately the ED became been so bad, we both became worried. However, I went to the doctor and he found nothing wrong. I am super healthy in fact. Testosterone levels are normal, lipid profiles okay, blood pressure in order, hormones great, perfect thyroid function. So it infuriated her that I was perfectly healthy, but never wanted to have sex, and once I did, I couldn't get it up. I had gone back to watching porn, edging to porn, going back to my conditioning routine "testing" to see if I was still a man, and I thought that was perfectly normal. Never associated it with it making my ED worse.
We are getting married this year. I am only 40 years old and in perfect health. I kept thinking, what the hell!!!! What is it? The doctor said, well it's probably stress, anxiety and I thought, "great, I can do nothing with that". I tell you, I have no kids, no debt, I work from home, a fairly easy and good paying job. To think it was stress was just stupid. I thought of going to a therapist, but felt this had to had a perfectly good scientific answer before I lost thousands regurgitating my relationship with my parents (which, hey, it is okay, we love each other, we have lives, you know, but they always find some shit). Anyway, I thought it had to be like understanding nutrition (once I understood insuline spikes, then food and weight were an issue never more). I researched about testosterone and did everything in my power to get it up. Zinc, selenium, goat weed, weight-lifting you name it. My testosterone effectively went through the roof. However, after a couple of days with healthy boners (my girl was away for a few days, though) I got the deadliest flatline, which I decided to "break" with masturbation to porn.
Since then, I get boners to porn all the time, but no boners or heavily assisted viagratized boners with my fianc?e. I truly lost it after that. I thought testosterone was going to be it. And internet searches always ended up with "stress" for the non-organic problems. However, I was watching something about Pavlov the other day and it just hit me: "I lose my boner when I'm lying down because that's how long a masturbation session in that position lasts, I'm conditioned". And so I searched google for Erectile Dysfunction from Porn Conditioning, and I ended up on Gary Wilson's Amazon's Book Page. I read the book in one sitting and thought: This is the answer. His book led me to YouTube and eventually to Gabe.
When I read the book, I thought "this is me; this is my case". And that's the reason that when I cut screen time for focusing purposes, I inadvertently quit porn, and I had no issues after that. But never associated it. Lately, and before that though, I do (and have been doing for ages) what he calls intermittent use. I go a couple of weeks without porn and then come back to binge for a whole afternoon of edging, firmly cementing this conditioned behavior. Of course, whenever I'm with my girl, I try to think of body parts to keep engaged, but she feels I'm not there.
This is it, I'm sure I've found it and from reading all your amazing experiences, I'm sure I will get better!!
And so today is Day 2 of my reboot. I never realized I was addicted or at-risk with what I thought was a healthy and sporadic use of porn. But I think that I have no problem quitting it. Just knowing that this will return me back to normal is the greatest incentive of all. I also talked to her about it and she's on board and very supportive.
In sum:
Did I use porn today? No.
What were my triggers? My triggers have always been testing to see if I am still a man.
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? Didn't get any. To the contrary, I am kind of excited if this turns out to be the solution. I can wait to go more days without, although I expect a flatline to happen, but will do everything in my power to not let it dominate (meditation, exercise, good nutrition, non-addictive hobbies).
What am I grateful for today? The beautiful amazing woman in my life, for whom I hope I can return to be the man she deserves.
Day counter: 2
I am 20 days shy of forty. It just seems right to post in the "Ages 40 and up" category, since I'll be living through most of my reboot already at 40. My porn journey began when I was about 14 years old, back in 1995. I was an only child to working parents who got home from work at around 7-9 pm, so I would spend my afternoons by myself. I didn't hang with other kids from my neighborhood and I would only hang out with friends over the weekends at my grandparents. I kind of raised myself during weekdays and I would masturbate, I would masturbate a lot to this one magazine and scrambled cable porn (which you could only more or less make out the shapes and the general idea of what was going on). I would come from school, masturbate, fall asleep, do homework, masturbate again, play Doom or Formula 1 on the computer, which had no internet access. I would close my eyes and picture the hottest girls from high-school on top of me too, so there was some good ol' fashion fantasizing about real girls. One time I borrowed a VHS porn tape from this one guy at school and I masturbated 18 times in a row that day (it was a loaner for just a day). I told my best friend in school and later asked him to be on the safe side: "hey man, could you please not tell anyone" and he just looks at me "um, ok". When I stepped into the hallway, an older friend from a year above us shouted: "that's humanly impossible!!!!" He had told everyone. We all laughed, nothing to be embarrassed.
It never, ever, until now, occurred to me that porn wasn't okay. I never felt guilty about it. Heck, I even thought it was a healthy sex behavior and thought that girls who liked porn were better in bed than those who were openly disgusted by it or against it. I really hated the expression, "why would I need to masturbate or porn if I have you," from my girlfriends.
I lost my virginity at 19. I put my penis in her and lasted about 10 seconds before finishing. It was glorious, she was hot. We did it a few more times, without issues. We had fun. I became better at sex and had many girlfriends after that. At 24 I had this longer lasting relationship and we went on a streak of hot sex for 31 days straight. Every day, sometimes a couple of times a day. I would last a long time, but I didn't think I had a problem of delayed ejaculation because she was multi-orgasmic and we enjoyed it. All through this I continued to look at porn. By this time, the internet was already available and I would go to an internet caf? (remember those?) and download a bunch of pictures and go back home and jerk off to them. Again, I thought that just made me better at sex and kept my libido going. My dick never failed me, but I did notice it took me longer to come. Again, this was only in my favor since I thought I was doing a good job of rocking their world by lasting longer. I had this girlfriend, who to this day I still remember as the best sex I ever had and she told me many years later that I was what she compared her men to. She had this gorgeous butt.
At age 30, I had my first Erectile Dysfunction episode. I got a scholarship to go study in The Netherlands and we broke it off with her because we didn't want a long distance relationship. A few days before leaving for Holland, I reunited with this younger girl from my high-school. She was probably 26 and we hit it off. I was charming, she was enjoying herself and we went back to her place. We got naked and then nothing. And she was so hot too. Nothing. I attributed it to alcohol and just sneaked out and never saw her again. I went to the Netherlands. Studying abroad the Degree was very demanding so I didn't get too many opportunities to have real sex. Only a few. By then it took forever to cum. I was masturbating a lot and at the time it was to full blown high-speed internet and one of those Hub tube sites.
Eventually I went back to my country and back home, at 32 I entered another relationship. That one was plagued by me losing my erection in the middle of sex. We had a very bad relationship, with a lot of yelling and it was very unhealthy. I attributed to that my failures in bed. Little did I know that I was cementing my conditioning with tube-porn. I just hadn't attributed to porn, because in my adult life, porn was more of a weekly activity, not a daily one, so I never thought of it as an addiction. Again, I always thought it was healthy sex curiosity. I would edge for some 5 minutes, and I would scrub to the good parts and move on to the next video. I would ejaculate rather quickly and then never think of it for a week or so.
After that it became impossible for me to have my girlfriend ride me, because that was the position I would use when masturbating, and so like the conditioning, it would go hard, last a couple of minutes, and then I would lose the erection. However, since her vagina wouldn't rub against my penis the "right" way, I wouldn't even come. Other positions worked OK more or less, but there was a lot of that. Again, I attributed my problems to our rocky relationship. We broke up and I had a few one night stands after that. The novelty of the one-night stands made it work I guess.
After that I found myself in another relationship. This time with a 40 year old (I was 36 at the time). I was meditating and because of a course I was taking on harnessing flow, I stayed away from screens in general for three months (facebook and all that, but also porn, and I just didn't make the connection). My sex with her was always great, with no exception. It was just great. I used to tell her, baby you are my Viagra. And we fought a lot, but the sex was great. Make up sex even better. I would get boners just talking regular stuff with her on the phone. But since we fought a lot, we eventually decided it was best to part ways. I didn't even notice till now that I was off porn for two years then.
I continued my flow regimen (lots of exercise, reduced screen time, almost no sugar, just water and tea, etc.) and met who's currently my Fianc?e. Our first few months, the sex was great. I never even thought of my earlier problems two girlfriends before and had already decided those were psychological. We have an incredible connection with my Fianc?e, our families get along perfectly, we love each other, I think she's so hot, but after a few months into the relationship I started to have so many ED episodes I lost count. I didn't make the connection, but after changing jobs, I slowly had dropped my flow training good habits, one by one. No more meditation, less attention to what I ate, and LOTS OF PORN BINGEING. Lately the ED became been so bad, we both became worried. However, I went to the doctor and he found nothing wrong. I am super healthy in fact. Testosterone levels are normal, lipid profiles okay, blood pressure in order, hormones great, perfect thyroid function. So it infuriated her that I was perfectly healthy, but never wanted to have sex, and once I did, I couldn't get it up. I had gone back to watching porn, edging to porn, going back to my conditioning routine "testing" to see if I was still a man, and I thought that was perfectly normal. Never associated it with it making my ED worse.
We are getting married this year. I am only 40 years old and in perfect health. I kept thinking, what the hell!!!! What is it? The doctor said, well it's probably stress, anxiety and I thought, "great, I can do nothing with that". I tell you, I have no kids, no debt, I work from home, a fairly easy and good paying job. To think it was stress was just stupid. I thought of going to a therapist, but felt this had to had a perfectly good scientific answer before I lost thousands regurgitating my relationship with my parents (which, hey, it is okay, we love each other, we have lives, you know, but they always find some shit). Anyway, I thought it had to be like understanding nutrition (once I understood insuline spikes, then food and weight were an issue never more). I researched about testosterone and did everything in my power to get it up. Zinc, selenium, goat weed, weight-lifting you name it. My testosterone effectively went through the roof. However, after a couple of days with healthy boners (my girl was away for a few days, though) I got the deadliest flatline, which I decided to "break" with masturbation to porn.
Since then, I get boners to porn all the time, but no boners or heavily assisted viagratized boners with my fianc?e. I truly lost it after that. I thought testosterone was going to be it. And internet searches always ended up with "stress" for the non-organic problems. However, I was watching something about Pavlov the other day and it just hit me: "I lose my boner when I'm lying down because that's how long a masturbation session in that position lasts, I'm conditioned". And so I searched google for Erectile Dysfunction from Porn Conditioning, and I ended up on Gary Wilson's Amazon's Book Page. I read the book in one sitting and thought: This is the answer. His book led me to YouTube and eventually to Gabe.
When I read the book, I thought "this is me; this is my case". And that's the reason that when I cut screen time for focusing purposes, I inadvertently quit porn, and I had no issues after that. But never associated it. Lately, and before that though, I do (and have been doing for ages) what he calls intermittent use. I go a couple of weeks without porn and then come back to binge for a whole afternoon of edging, firmly cementing this conditioned behavior. Of course, whenever I'm with my girl, I try to think of body parts to keep engaged, but she feels I'm not there.
This is it, I'm sure I've found it and from reading all your amazing experiences, I'm sure I will get better!!
And so today is Day 2 of my reboot. I never realized I was addicted or at-risk with what I thought was a healthy and sporadic use of porn. But I think that I have no problem quitting it. Just knowing that this will return me back to normal is the greatest incentive of all. I also talked to her about it and she's on board and very supportive.
In sum:
Did I use porn today? No.
What were my triggers? My triggers have always been testing to see if I am still a man.
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? Didn't get any. To the contrary, I am kind of excited if this turns out to be the solution. I can wait to go more days without, although I expect a flatline to happen, but will do everything in my power to not let it dominate (meditation, exercise, good nutrition, non-addictive hobbies).
What am I grateful for today? The beautiful amazing woman in my life, for whom I hope I can return to be the man she deserves.
Day counter: 2