When you believe in magic

otanerferguson

Active Member
Hi everybody,

I am 20 days shy of forty. It just seems right to post in the "Ages 40 and up" category, since I'll be living through most of my reboot already at 40. My porn journey began when I was about 14 years old, back in 1995. I was an only child to working parents who got home from work at around 7-9 pm, so I would spend my afternoons by myself. I didn't hang with other kids from my neighborhood and I would only hang out with friends over the weekends at my grandparents. I kind of raised myself during weekdays and I would masturbate, I would masturbate a lot to this one magazine and scrambled cable porn (which you could only more or less make out the shapes and the general idea of what was going on). I would come from school, masturbate, fall asleep, do homework, masturbate again, play Doom or Formula 1 on the computer, which had no internet access. I would close my eyes and picture the hottest girls from high-school on top of me too, so there was some good ol' fashion fantasizing about real girls. One time I borrowed a VHS porn tape from this one guy at school and I masturbated 18 times in a row that day (it was a loaner for just a day). I told my best friend in school and later asked him to be on the safe side: "hey man, could you please not tell anyone" and he just looks at me "um, ok". When I stepped into the hallway, an older friend from a year above us shouted: "that's humanly impossible!!!!" He had told everyone. We all laughed, nothing to be embarrassed.

It never, ever, until now, occurred to me that porn wasn't okay. I never felt guilty about it. Heck, I even thought it was a healthy sex behavior and thought that girls who liked porn were better in bed than those who were openly disgusted by it or against it. I really hated the expression, "why would I need to masturbate or porn if I have you," from my girlfriends.

I lost my virginity at 19. I put my penis in her and lasted about 10 seconds before finishing. It was glorious, she was hot. We did it a few more times, without issues. We had fun. I became better at sex and had many girlfriends after that. At 24 I had this longer lasting relationship and we went on a streak of hot sex for 31 days straight. Every day, sometimes a couple of times a day. I would last a long time, but I didn't think I had a problem of delayed ejaculation because she was multi-orgasmic and we enjoyed it. All through this I continued to look at porn. By this time, the internet was already available and I would go to an internet caf? (remember those?) and download a bunch of pictures and go back home and jerk off to them. Again, I thought that just made me better at sex and kept my libido going. My dick never failed me, but I did notice it took me longer to come. Again, this was only in my favor since I thought I was doing a good job of rocking their world by lasting longer. I had this girlfriend, who to this day I still remember as the best sex I ever had and she told me many years later that I was what she compared her men to. She had this gorgeous butt.

At age 30, I had my first Erectile Dysfunction episode. I got a scholarship to go study in The Netherlands and we broke it off with her because we didn't want a long distance relationship. A few days before leaving for Holland, I reunited with this younger girl from my high-school. She was probably 26 and we hit it off. I was charming, she was enjoying herself and we went back to her place. We got naked and then nothing. And she was so hot too. Nothing. I attributed it to alcohol and just sneaked out and never saw her again. I went to the Netherlands. Studying abroad the Degree was very demanding so I didn't get too many opportunities to have real sex. Only a few. By then it took forever to cum. I was masturbating a lot and at the time it was to full blown high-speed internet and one of those Hub tube sites.

Eventually I went back to my country and back home, at 32 I entered another relationship. That one was plagued by me losing my erection in the middle of sex. We had a very bad relationship, with a lot of yelling and it was very unhealthy. I attributed to that my failures in bed. Little did I know that I was cementing my conditioning with tube-porn. I just hadn't attributed to porn, because in my adult life, porn was more of a weekly activity, not a daily one, so I never thought of it as an addiction. Again, I always thought it was healthy sex curiosity. I would edge for some 5 minutes, and I would scrub to the good parts and move on to the next video. I would ejaculate rather quickly and then never think of it for a week or so.

After that it became impossible for me to have my girlfriend ride me, because that was the position I would use when masturbating, and so like the conditioning, it would go hard, last a couple of minutes, and then I would lose the erection. However, since her vagina wouldn't rub against my penis the "right" way, I wouldn't even come. Other positions worked OK more or less, but there was a lot of that. Again, I attributed my problems to our rocky relationship. We broke up and I had a few one night stands after that. The novelty of the one-night stands made it work I guess.

After that I found myself in another relationship. This time with a 40 year old (I was 36 at the time). I was meditating and because of a course I was taking on harnessing flow, I stayed away from screens in general for three months (facebook and all that, but also porn, and I just didn't make the connection). My sex with her was always great, with no exception. It was just great. I used to tell her, baby you are my Viagra. And we fought a lot, but the sex was great. Make up sex even better. I would get boners just talking regular stuff with her on the phone. But since we fought a lot, we eventually decided it was best to part ways. I didn't even notice till now that I was off porn for two years then.

I continued my flow regimen (lots of exercise, reduced screen time, almost no sugar, just water and tea, etc.) and met who's currently my Fianc?e. Our first few months, the sex was great. I never even thought of my earlier problems two girlfriends before and had already decided those were psychological. We have an incredible connection with my Fianc?e, our families get along perfectly, we love each other, I think she's so hot, but after a few months into the relationship I started to have so many ED episodes I lost count. I didn't make the connection, but after changing jobs, I slowly had dropped my flow training good habits, one by one. No more meditation, less attention to what I ate, and LOTS OF PORN BINGEING. Lately the ED became been so bad, we both became worried. However, I went to the doctor and he found nothing wrong. I am super healthy in fact. Testosterone levels are normal, lipid profiles okay, blood pressure in order, hormones great, perfect thyroid function. So it infuriated her that I was perfectly healthy, but never wanted to have sex, and once I did, I couldn't get it up. I had gone back to watching porn, edging to porn, going back to my conditioning routine "testing" to see if I was still a man, and I thought that was perfectly normal. Never associated it with it making my ED worse.

We are getting married this year. I am only 40 years old and in perfect health. I kept thinking, what the hell!!!! What is it? The doctor said, well it's probably stress, anxiety and I thought, "great, I can do nothing with that". I tell you, I have no kids, no debt, I work from home, a fairly easy and good paying job. To think it was stress was just stupid. I thought of going to a therapist, but felt this had to had a perfectly good scientific answer before I lost thousands regurgitating my relationship with my parents (which, hey, it is okay, we love each other, we have lives, you know, but they always find some shit). Anyway, I thought it had to be like understanding nutrition (once I understood insuline spikes, then food and weight were an issue never more). I researched about testosterone and did everything in my power to get it up. Zinc, selenium, goat weed, weight-lifting you name it. My testosterone effectively went through the roof. However, after a couple of days with healthy boners (my girl was away for a few days, though) I got the deadliest flatline, which I decided to "break" with masturbation to porn.

Since then, I get boners to porn all the time, but no boners or heavily assisted viagratized boners with my fianc?e. I truly lost it after that. I thought testosterone was going to be it. And internet searches always ended up with "stress" for the non-organic problems. However, I was watching something about Pavlov the other day and it just hit me: "I lose my boner when I'm lying down because that's how long a masturbation session in that position lasts, I'm conditioned". And so I searched google for Erectile Dysfunction from Porn Conditioning, and I ended up on Gary Wilson's Amazon's Book Page. I read the book in one sitting and thought: This is the answer. His book led me to YouTube and eventually to Gabe.

When I read the book, I thought "this is me; this is my case". And that's the reason that when I cut screen time for focusing purposes, I inadvertently quit porn, and I had no issues after that. But never associated it.  Lately, and before that though, I do (and have been doing for ages) what he calls intermittent use. I go a couple of weeks without porn and then come back to binge for a whole afternoon of edging, firmly cementing this conditioned behavior. Of course, whenever I'm with my girl, I try to think of body parts to keep engaged, but she feels I'm not there.

This is it, I'm sure I've found it and from reading all your amazing experiences, I'm sure I will get better!!

And so today is Day 2 of my reboot. I never realized I was addicted or at-risk with what I thought was a healthy and sporadic use of porn. But I think that I have no problem quitting it. Just knowing that this will return me back to normal is the greatest incentive of all. I also talked to her about it and she's on board and very supportive.

In sum:

Did I use porn today? No.

What were my triggers? My triggers have always been testing to see if I am still a man.

How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? Didn't get any. To the contrary, I am kind of excited if this turns out to be the solution. I can wait to go more days without, although I expect a flatline to happen, but will do everything in my power to not let it dominate (meditation, exercise, good nutrition, non-addictive hobbies).

What am I grateful for today? The beautiful amazing woman in my life, for whom I hope I can return to be the man she deserves.

Day counter: 2
 

Gabe Deem

Administrator
Staff member
Admin
Moderator
Hey otanerferguson! Welcome to RN! And happy early birthday  :)

I would masturbate a lot to this one magazine and scrambled cable porn (which you could only more or less make out the shapes and the general idea of what was going on)

haha, I would do this when I was a kid too, and I even share this a lot when I speak publicly. Not sure if you've seen this video but I'll time stamp it to where I talk about scrambled porn: https://youtu.be/J2KrTBicyrQ?t=241

I didn't even notice till now that I was off porn for two years then.

You've done it once, and you saw incredible improvement, so you know you can do it again.

I can wait to go more days without, although I expect a flatline to happen, but will do everything in my power to not let it dominate (meditation, exercise, good nutrition, non-addictive hobbies).

Great attitude and plan. Filling the void with healthy behavior is essential. You're on your way! Hope the best for you. Much love and keep truckin!
 

otanerferguson

Active Member
Gabe Deem said:
haha, I would do this when I was a kid too, and I even share this a lot when I speak publicly. Not sure if you've seen this video but I'll time stamp it to where I talk about scrambled porn: https://youtu.be/J2KrTBicyrQ?t=241

Heey Gabe, thanks for taking the time. I've watched your video and I can relate to how prevalent porn was among my friends, how openly we would talk about it and how it was even normal... to the point where I didn't even think my ED had anything to do with it. I never even considered porn as a bad thing or anything to be ashamed of.

Another thing that I found interesting from your vid is that once it happened to you, you just Googled "young guy ED" and you found the right answer, or you were steered in the right direction. That did NOT happen to me. I've been having problems with this for about two years and every time I searched for ED, I got back healthline or webmd articles about how ED has to either do with blood pressure problems, diabetes, cancer and what not, or it has to do with low testosterone (boy they really want to sell you testosterone replacement therapy), it was related to performance anxiety or it's just psychological (followed by useless wishy washy new agey advice or gimmicky supplementation). And once I ruled out medical problems, I was at a loss, and I just could not make the connection. And Gabe, I would constantly google it and I just don't understand how I was never steered in this direction, until I typed the word "porn" along with my query, after my Pavlovian Eureka moment. Now I don't think I can ever go back to crave porn *knock on wood*, just knowing it can be the cause of a limp noodle. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

Anyway, I appreciate what you are doing man and I am sure thousands of guys do too.

My name is Hugo, I forgot to mention that in my introduction.

Day 3.

I did not use porn.

I did not crave it.

I had a wonderful day with my girl filled with laughter and love.

I am grateful for people like you taking the time to help out their generation and even more, their era.
 

otanerferguson

Active Member
Captain's log Day 4

I did not use porn today. Didn't even miss it.

I spent my day preparing food for my girlfriend's and my family. We had a great Sunday.

Tomorrow my girlfriend goes away for work for the entire week. I wonder what I will experience these days.

Something else crossed my mind today. Could it be that your dopamine receptors are numb not only from porn but from other stimulus? So to add to my experiment, I uninstalled Warzone (a game) to which I lost a lot of hours in what I think substituted porn as a stimulant during the week or so when I intermittently used porn. I could see an addictive behavior there, coming to think of it.

I am grateful for all these new insights! Let's see how this works out.

Take care everyone.
 

roark

Member
Hi Otanerferguson. Hope you're enjoying the last days of your 3rd decade and welcome to the 4th!

otanerferguson said:
Another thing that I found interesting from your vid is that once it happened to you, you just Googled "young guy ED" and you found the right answer, or you were steered in the right direction. That did NOT happen to me. I've been having problems with this for about two years and every time I searched for ED, I got back healthline or webmd articles about how ED has to either do with blood pressure problems, diabetes, cancer and what not, or it has to do with low testosterone (boy they really want to sell you testosterone replacement therapy), it was related to performance anxiety or it's just psychological (followed by useless wishy washy new agey advice or gimmicky supplementation). And once I ruled out medical problems, I was at a loss, and I just could not make the connection. And Gabe, I would constantly google it and I just don't understand how I was never steered in this direction, until I typed the word "porn" along with my query, after my Pavlovian Eureka moment. Now I don't think I can ever go back to crave porn *knock on wood*, just knowing it can be the cause of a limp noodle. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.
I totally relate to that.
And I must add that in these years I've found all sorts of things against P on the Internet: they were mostly religious based, or about work conditions for actresses, like exploitation, use of drugs and so on. I remember checking nofap but I moved on because it didn't look scientific at all. I had to search for "why hard only at porn", which was what I had just realized (and is also the name of my journal btw) to open up a world full of resources.

I work in tech and whenever I have an issue I type it on google and I find a solution. For this issue finding a real solution took me so many years! I which I had found it before.
 

otanerferguson

Active Member
Captain's log Day 5

I'll call today a win again. Perhaps 6 pm is a little early, but I don't see myself cruising for porn later today. The more I think about it, I just can't afford a relapse. I used to be a sucker for sex with a real woman, one of the things I used to enjoy so much and if this is the reason why now that is such a frustration filled experience, and after the reboot this works, I am never going back.

I had no urges to look for porn today. However, I do feel a little absent minded. Been at this easy work task all day and it should have taken me an hour tops. Interesting. I was thinking that when you go on a keto diet, you experience something called "the keto flu" and I'm thinking that it feels just like the flatline, if today was related to that. Probably similar circuitry at work but with insulin-spiking foods (I suppose you also get a dopamine hit from indulging in carbs and sweets).

I exercised lightly (10 minute start-and-stop jumping jacks) and did breathwork (Box Breathing app) for another 10. After lunch I tried to meditate with the Brain.fm app for 15 minutes. I fell asleep 20 seconds into it. Not much success, but at least I tried.

Last night I had an erotic dream. I can count with one hand the number of times that's happened to me in my entire life. The other times I would wake up just as it was getting good, but this time I had sex and everything in it and enjoyed it tremendously. The woman was unknown. At one point in the dream, I caressed her legs before the sex part, and that felt so vivid and the excitement and anticipation from doing that felt like it hasn't felt in easily fifteen years in real life, although I've caressed legs lots of times since. Surreal. There was no precum at all upon waking up though, and I only felt a boner as I was falling asleep but didn't have one when I woke up. It's day 5, so I wonder if there's a bit of a placebo effect causing this. Anyway, I don't mind if it happens more.

I am grateful for another day.

roark said:
And I must add that in these years I've found all sorts of things against P on the Internet: they were mostly religious based, or about work conditions for actresses, like exploitation, use of drugs and so on. I remember checking nofap but I moved on because it didn't look scientific at all. I had to search for "why hard only at porn", which was what I had just realized (and is also the name of my journal btw) to open up a world full of resources.

I work in tech and whenever I have an issue I type it on google and I find a solution. For this issue finding a real solution took me so many years! I which I had found it before.

Hi roark, thanks for the comment. Right? I also didn't respond to the moralistic reasons not to watch porn like you and I solve everything with searching for the scientific reasons for something, so it never even crossed my mind to get rid of porn (not by a long shot). I normally search for "the science behind..." and with Erectile Dysfunction, the link is just never made. You would think that they would at least enumerate it in those Healthline or WebMD listicles as a probable cause, like they do for illnesses, heart problems, and anxiety with cautions about the completeness of the research behind it, but it's never there. I would imagine that there is big money preventing that from happening more widespread, but I won't make an assertion like that as truthful. Just conjecture.
 

otanerferguson

Active Member
Captain's log: Day 6

No porn or anything related whatsoever.

I noticed my attention improving significantly from yesterday's lethargy. I feel a tingly upper lip, not sure why. No sex related urges or cravings, but don't feel dead inside either.

I continue my power routine: hydration, movement, box breathing, good nutrition.

Grateful for having started my reboot.
 

otanerferguson

Active Member
Captain's log: Day 7

These are the voyages of The Starship Intercourse.

No porn today. My girl is still away for work. I am very much awake and aware of everything. Mental clarity. Saw a woman with a huge butt today at the supermarket, wearing one of those tights that look like they have a knot in the butthole. I wanted to bury my face in that butt. No boner or anything though. Looked away and moved along.

Aside from that, no fantasizing or thinking about sex the whole day. However, it doesn't feel like a flatline. Guys in my groups send leaked nudes and shit like that and I just delete without looking. Haven't missed any of that.

Went for a motorcycle ride around town. There's good weather now. I enjoyed it and it cleared my mind. Best way to socially distance.

Power routine helps a lot: hydration, box breathing, movement, good nutrition.

I am grateful I haven't felt depressed or anything like that.
 

otanerferguson

Active Member
Captain's log: Day 8

These are the voyages of The Starship Intercourse.

Well, a week is behind me. Tingling upper lip is back today. What's that all about? Other than that, my focus is fine and I feel generally okay. No morning wood or sexual dreams, though. I don't know if I am flatlining as I don't have anything to test that with and I don't want to look at porn or masturbate. I rather leave it be. My girlfriend will be back tomorrow. Let's see how that goes.

Power routine still going strong: hydration, movement, box breathing and good nutrition.

I am grateful my mom invited me to have lunch at her house today. We had a great time talking about anything and everything.
 

otanerferguson

Active Member
Captain's log: Day 9

No porn today. Haven't masturbated in all this time either. I understand that it is possible to do it during reboot if it's not PMO. However, I haven't had the urge. I don't know if I am experiencing a flatline as I am pretty much okay in every other sense. No tiredness, no depression. Of course, no one said that those had to go hand in hand. My girlfriend came back from her trip today, but she's on her period, so there's no pressure to have sex. I'll see how that goes eventually.

I had morning wood today, but it scares away easily when I wake up. It doesn't last more than a few seconds after I'm awake.

My mind feels very clear. Very, very. And last night, I had a good night's sleep waking up rested before my alarm went off, which hadn't happened in a really long time. Perhaps a year.

My mind is inevitable racing to find a hobby and so I sat down with a jeweler's screwdriver, unjammed my old Yashica Medium format camera and loaded some film in it. We've made plans to go to the center this weekend with my girlfriend and snap some shots. I ordered developing chemicals too, so I'll find some entertainment there.

Power routine slipped today a bit: Hydration and Movement ok. Box breathing and good nutrition took a day off.

I am grateful for my job and the people who hire me, because it has gained some recognition in my circle.

 

otanerferguson

Active Member
Day 10

No porn. No masturbation. No sexual desires though. There's a chance I might be flatlining. My girlfriend was very much on her period so she wasn't sexual at all. I appreciated not having that pressure.

I am grateful for these 10 days. It feels like some sort of milestone.

Exercise, box breathing, water and good nutrition strong today. I added cold showers to the mix.

See you tomorrow.
 

otanerferguson

Active Member
Day 12

No porn.

Exercise, box breathing, hydration.

My overall mood is very positive, but I did want to take a nap at noon. I didn't feel tired after that. Last night I had a good night's sleep. I had morning wood at half mast today.

Today I started a 3-day water fast. In the past this has helped regain insulin sensitivity, with general positive results in various areas, so let's see what it does for dopamine sensitivity.
 

J01

Active Member
Great job on the two weeks!  Nutrition, sleep, and exercise are inter-related, that is for sure!  Keep going!
 

otanerferguson

Active Member
Day 13

No porn, no porn cravings. No sexual thoughts. I would say that I am experiencing a flatline. However, I don't feel bad. No anxiety, no cravings. I'm not tired. Nothing bad. And now that I know where this is going, I won't try to test myself with porn. I never want to look at porn again, just knowing it's the cause of PIED. I'll just wait it out.

Today my mind was particularly clear. I feel at peace with the universe. Last night I had a good night's sleep and woke up fully rested today 1:30h before my alarm went off.

It's my second day of a three-day water fast. I did not crave food or felt bad at all. As I write this, I am thinking of pizza, but I'll have that tomorrow.

Exercise, box breathing, hydration in check.

I did the Wim Hof breathing today and I got a discharge from the pineal gland. I believe that might help too. If it doesn't, it still felt awesome.

jixu said:
Great job on the two weeks!  Nutrition, sleep, and exercise are inter-related, that is for sure!  Keep going!

Thanks for the encouragement. I appreciate it. Those things certainly have made this easier. Can't wait for more tangible results down south, though.
 

Bilbo Swaggins

Active Member
Man, I just read your journal. You write incredibly well, it was just like reading a novel. Thanks a lot for sharing that, I enjoyed reading about your background and life history. Good luck on your journey.
 

otanerferguson

Active Member
Day 14

And just like that, two weeks have gone by.

No porn today. I don't even crave it.

I feel very sexless. Although I am able to appreciate good looking women, I don't feel very sexual. I did have morning wood, so that's good. Again, it was the type that scares easily when waking up

Mood is great, energy levels very stable, considering today was the last day of my 3-day fast. I'm about to break it now. My mind feels very clear, although I don't care much about work and I'm enjoying my days a little too much, going for motorcycle rides around town just to soak it all in. Gotta get serious about work though... eventually.

Exercise, hydration, box breathing going strong. No nutrition as there was no food today because of the fast.

Bilbo Baggins said:
Man, I just read your journal. You write incredibly well, it was just like reading a novel. Thanks a lot for sharing that, I enjoyed reading about your background and life history. Good luck on your journey.

Heey Bilbo, I appreciate your support man. Heheh, a novel. I might as well write one with all this time I have now, haha. I'll write something more entertaining for my 30-day review. Keep going strong buddy, we'll get through this and never look back!!!
 

joepanic

Well-Known Member
2 WEEKS!!!

    congratulations  small victories was one of my tools  in winning this.  In time many small victories win the bigger war

    Cheers

  Post often it helps me it helps you
 

otanerferguson

Active Member
Day 15

Happy quincea?era to me!

All right. So two weeks plus a day. When I was 15, my dad caught me smoking a cigarette. He didn't say a word. The next day, he offered me one. I smoked for 8 years after that. Some other time, my mom burned herself in the chest with part of a match while lighting a cigarette and she quit immediately. She took it as a sign and never went back. I tried to quit when she did, but fell off the wagon a couple of times.

One day, I woke up coughing. Or the coughing woke me up, rather. It was this dry cough that characterized my dad's morning routine. It sounded just like that. I looked like him, all red in the face. He had been smoking for, I don't know, 30 years by then, and he had developed it a few years before. I had a mere 8 years under my belt. Perhaps four of heavy smoking. If that was me then, what was going to happen to me in another 25 years. That realization. That was the moment that did it. I stopped cold turkey and haven't smoked since. That was 17 years ago. The realization was so intense, I stopped right there and then, and never craved it again. Not once. Cigarette smoke annoys me tremendously now. No, it disgusts me.

I think finding out there was such thing as Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction is the current equivalent. What I stand to lose is just so overwhelmingly giant, that I don't think I can ever watch porn again. Not even in passing, not even by mistake. I remember how that anticipation felt, when a girl was breathing heavily, pupils dilated, smelling so good, and about to remove her underwear for me. An uncontrollable rock hard boner just aching for her in my pants.

Not being able to experience any of that now with a beautiful woman is the one thing that has turned me away from porn forever.

It's been 15 days, but I see myself in a future where I have never gone back to it.

I just hope it does work. Please let this be the thing that was wrong and now it's just a matter of time before it gets fixed.

No morning wood today, but had a good night's sleep. Once again, I feel very much at peace with the universe. No cravings, no depression, no loss of energy. Also, very sexless, but I guess it's all part of it.

I went to my mom's house to have lunch with her again. I'm enjoying so much spending Thursdays with her. We eat good food, we talk and talk and talk. I feel grateful she's healthy and vibrant and youthful at 68 and I get to spend time with her.

joepanic said:
2 WEEKS!!! congratulations  small victories was one of my tools  in winning this.  In time many small victories win the bigger war

Thank you Joe. It really means a lot. To small victories!

LetItGoAlready said:
Congrats on 2 weeks! That's amazing progress, my friend. Keep it up!

I appreciate it LetItGoAlready. Thanks for stopping by and giving me your encouragement!
 
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