When you believe in magic

[otanerferguson]

Day 34

No porn. No masturbation.

I woke up earlier than expected today at 5:30 am fully rested. Last night I couldn't hold the weight of my head past 10 pm and I slept tremendously well. I had a vivid dream about archaeology, of all things. No morning wood this time.

My "first blood" and paper clip system worked well and it forced me to engage with my work. It was such a productive day that I was able to deliver a report and data I had been procrastinating on for weeks. With that out of the way, I feel like I can move forward with my other projects. Like I said, it feels like that veil of not caring has been lifted and I'm ready to knock it out of the park again.

I went to the supermarket and again I could appreciate the beauty of some women objectively, but can't bring myself to feeling sexual. So no libido still. It'll come when it comes.

Journaling has been one of the most important parts of my reboot. I like this a lot.

Exercise, good nutrition, box-breathing, 15 minute meditation, cold shower, first blood, no YouTube, no coffee.

I hope everyone is having a great reboot. Party on dudes!! See ya tomorrow!

 

[workinprogressUK]

Good that you're getting your motivation back in relation to work and life in general. You might find yourself able to do amazing things all of a sudden  8).
"No libido". Like you say... it'll come when it comes. It might just take a while. Mine hasn't fully returned, after a good spell clean. I'm not convinced it ever will. Hope you continue to see progress.

 

[otanerferguson]

Day 35

No porn. No masturbation.

I had another productive day with my work today. I was able to advance and move things along.

I went to the supermarket today and saw a gorgeous brunette in a kind of black sleeveless jumpsuit with high heels and a lot of cleavage showing. She stared at me very seductively. I glanced at her cleavage, couldn't help it, she smiled (I assume from her eyes squinting; that's what it looked like with her mask on). My penis pulsated. And I was like, "look at you, you little stub that could". I definitely felt it bulging up down there. She walked past me and kept turning her head back and smiling some more.

The whole scene was surreal. This is something that does not happen to me (aside from the looks I got at the beginning of the reboot). This was a very normal setting, not a bar or something. Just the produce aisle. It felt empowering. I did not act on it; I am an engaged man after all, but I thought, perhaps I'm not that dead after all.

Exercise, good nutrition, box-breathing, 15 minute meditation, cold shower, first blood, no YouTube, no coffee.

Good that you're getting your motivation back in relation to work and life in general. You might find yourself able to do amazing things all of a sudden  8).
"No libido". Like you say... it'll come when it comes. It might just take a while. Mine hasn't fully returned, after a good spell clean. I'm not convinced it ever will. Hope you continue to see progress.

Thank you @workinprogressUK for your kind words of encouragement. Let's hope that part about the amazing things does materialize. I'm sure your libido will return just fine. If you feel like enough time has passed with the reboot and the libido part is wishy washy, but your receptors are fine already, perhaps you might want to look at boosting your testosterone naturally. Every day: 20 almonds, a handful, not more than that (unsalted and unprocessed, no honey or whatever), 3-4 strawberries (I pair it with blackberries for an anti-oxidant mix), three eggs (yolks and everything), preferably within three hours of going to bed, stand in the sun with your arms and face uncovered for 10 minutes (a walk in the sun accomplishes this) or if not possible due to weather cod liver oil (2 caplets per meal), enough water (make sure you get at least a tall glass with every meal). Quit sugar as much as you can, go easy on the carbs, and stay away from beer which is an estrogen bomb (switch to wine or spirits and keep your alcohol intake low). Then to activate this, lifting exercises for large muscle groups, especially for your legs 3 times a week. My favorite is set a Seconds Pro timer set to 20 seconds on, 20 seconds rest for 10 minutes and just do dumbbell or kettlebell swings with moderate weight (I do 20 pounds) every time the 20 seconds on kicks in. Look up the proper form not to throw your back or crush your nuts with the dumbbell. Those 10 minutes three times a week are enough, you don't need long weight lifting sessions at the gym (great if you do, but not necessary for this). You need both parts of this protocol for it to work, the food part every day, the exercise part three times a week.. If you want to supplement (any brand ZMA and Ashwaganda) but I find that with the first part covered these are just marginal (and the ZMA triggered some gastritis for me that quickly went away after I dropped it). Your testosterone will go up. Back when I thought low testosterone was the reason for my PIED, I almost doubled my testosterone doing this. Of course, now I know that if the wires up in my head aren't connected, no amount of testosterone will give you a hard on when you need it most. I still do this, but I know that the flatline is downregulating all hormones and good juices in my system, but hopefully it will help once the receptors are rebuilt.

Convince yourself it will return fully. Power to you my friend!

 

[workinprogressUK]

Thanks for that great advice, my friend. I'll log-off in a few minutes and go train  8)

 

[otanerferguson]

Day 36

No porn. No masturbation.

I had a very vivid dream last night. I was flying. I don't know what it means, but I did not dream often before. It seems it happens more and more nowadays.

No update on the sex thing. I just have a constant tingly sensation in my balls. Not itchy chlamydia, mind you. More like energy flowing through them.  My penis is no longer shriveled. It looks normal now. I saw some women on the street today and I did not feel as dead inside, I properly eyed some asses and tits today. No one flirted with me, though, and no pulsating penis.

I would have loved to work today and get a lot accomplished, but I spent the whole day running errands. Still, I know it's because these things needed to get done and not because I was shirking my work. I feel the difference. It's a subtle one, but important.

I just came back home and upon sitting down to write this, I decided to optimize my work space. My sitting position was killing my neck and I would spend a good portion of the day thinking about my neck pain and how to sit better. It turns out that the problem was not the chair but the fact that my monitors were too high. I brought them down a bit and that did the trick.

I was born in 1981, so the music from my teenage years is the 90s. However, lately I've been appreciating 80s music more and more. Here's a Spotify playlist for you. I feel like taking a piano lesson on playground tonight.

Exercise, box-breathing, 15 minute meditation, cold shower, no YouTube, no coffee, all ok. However, crap nutrition today, pure McDonald's poison running through my veins. No first blood today.

Hope all of you are kicking butt with your reboots. See ya tomorrow!

Thanks for that great advice, my friend. I'll log-off in a few minutes and go train  8)

Awesome. With that testosterone protocol you should see results quickly, in as little as 8 days. Keep rocking!

 

[otanerferguson]

Day 37 -- TRIGGER LANGUAGE WARNING --

No porn. No masturbation.

Last night I dreamt I had sex with my ex-girfriend. She was going on about something and I just stepped closer to her, grabbed her by the waist and kissed her. She kissed me back and we made out for a while and then she turned around and hiked up her skirt. We did it in public. She had this small flowy skirt I used to like. In the middle of a crowded street market like one you would see in a movie shot in Thailand or something like that. I've never been to Thailand. It was in the middle of like a pirated dvd stand. People were walking around us. Some stared a little, others just went about their day. I woke up right after we were done, but the weirdest thing was that upon waking up, in real life I did not have an erection or precum whatsoever. No morning wood. I spent the whole morning debating whether I should text her. I didn't. That'd be the stupidest thing I could do right now.

On the flipside I think that is a good sign. Like the brain is looking for ways to get real sex (sneaky bastard), not pixels. Of course, not a good idea to ruin my upcoming marriage but it's progress I think.

Nothing out of the ordinary after that. Good day overall.

Exercise, box-breathing, 15 minute meditation, cold shower, no YouTube, no coffee, first blood, ok. Nutrition so so. I had a very sweet chocolate cake. I actually did not feel the pleasure I would feel from something like that. It made me a little sick too.

Have a fun reboot y'all. See ya tomorrow!

 

[otanerferguson]

Day 38 -- TRIGGER LANGUAGE WARNING --

No porn. No masturbation.

So, I don't want to George W. Bush it and call mission accomplished too early, but...

I had sex today.

We were fooling around with my girlfriend to the point that things got very hot. I was rock hard all throughout and we said "yeah but let's wait at least till day 60" and went on just making out. My boner wouldn't quit and she said: just stick it in a bit and that's it. I said, "what the hell". But wait, there's more. Since I'm leaking semen left and right and she's not on the pill I thought I had to put a condom on. And you know what? It stayed hard all through that. Over the past year, putting on a condom always ended up with me losing my erection. Not this time. Since she was so horny, she lasted like four minutes or less and came hard. I thought to myself. I know this is too early, so I don't want to force it and called it quits. I did not want to orgasm. And I was hard for like another five minutes after that, just lying in bed, full mast at 100%. It felt good, but it did feel a little DE-ish. Had she been able to do it longer, maybe I would have had  a hard time coming. Maybe not, who knows. I did feel in control all throughout. I call that progress.

While I was lying there, with my dick hard just watching it, I kept thinking how it's been years now since I've been looking for an answer for my ED and just cannot believe that not masturbating to porn was it. It even feels unintuitive. For years I thought I had cancer, diabetes or who knows what else and just kept delaying getting a diagnosis because I was afraid to find out which of those it was. When I finally did and found out that I was completely healthy I was at a loss, because I didn't know what else to do. I fasted, I went on a keto diet, I meditated, I took horny goat weed, ZMA, Ashwaganda, Selenium, Brazil Nuts, Strawberries, Almonds, lifted weights, you name it. And probably those things are good, but I still saw my dick going to hell and felt so helpless. Who would have known it was a difficult but at the same time simple switch? Well the thousands of people that have recovered here, but you know what I mean.

I know my friends are suffering from this. Either DE or borderline or full ED. I can detect it in their language. They complain about their wives and blame it on them not having the "whore gene". All of their wives are good looking women, I would say objectively. But my friends also send thousands of pics and videos of girls in our chats from all genres. I haven't said anything because I wanted to know first hand (no pun intended) if this reboot thing worked. I'm thinking when I'm further along and I have a few more wins under my belt I will start having those conversations with each of them. They and their wives deserve better. They deserve to be happy. I also want to go back to the confounded urologist that I saw and at least let him know about this. He told me of a kid that was perfectly healthy at 21 and couldn't get it up and him and an endocrinologist were puzzled trying to help him without success. He said, it's weird how stress sneaks up and wreaks havoc. And I just kept thinking that there were many things that kid (or I) could be, but stressed wasn't it.

It was Porn-gatha all along.

Like I said, I don't want to jinx it and call victory before this battle is over and I feel like there's still a lot ahead, but I saw a glimpse of hope today. And after my girlfriend left, I let out some tears of joy. I just couldn't help myself. I was overjoyed. I got a little of my manhood back today.

I have renewed energy to continue with my reboot along with my morning routine and look forward to day 60 and then day 90, when this journal will end.

Exercise, box-breathing, 15 minute meditation, cold shower, no YouTube (except to look up the link to that video back there to get the reference, but did not even watch that to the end or binged on anything else), no coffee, and good nutrition, ok. No first blood today.

Oh, and fuck porn!!!

See ya tomorrow!

 

[Phineas 808]

Started reading your journal, Hugo. Nice to meet you.

Congratulations on day 38-39, good work!

Good job, also, on having real world sex, rewiring toward true intimacy.

Like yourself, I see dreams as indicators of subtle and sometimes significant progress. I used to dream about the 'perfect opportunity' to act out on the addiction, but now I find myself dreaming about saying 'No' to these opportunities.

Be well.

 

[otanerferguson]

Day 39

No porn. No masturbation.

Normal, uneventful. Took the motorcycle out for a ride.

Good nutrition and no YouTube. No exercise, poorly hydrated, no box-breathing, no meditation (well, the motorcycle has that effect). One cup of coffee. It's Sunday.

Started reading your journal, Hugo. Nice to meet you.

Congratulations on day 38-39, good work!

Good job, also, on having real world sex, rewiring toward true intimacy.

Like yourself, I see dreams as indicators of subtle and sometimes significant progress. I used to dream about the 'perfect opportunity' to act out on the addiction, but now I find myself dreaming about saying 'No' to these opportunities.

Be well.

Heey Phineas 808, thank you for stopping by. Yes, how important is to be able to feel true intimacy, not just picture internet hotties while you're kissing your woman. It's great that you are able to give that meaning to your dreams and are able to channel them into your reboot. I appreciate your words and wish you success with your process. Take care friend.

 

[otanerferguson]

Day 40 --TRIGGER LANGUAGE WARNING--

No porn. No masturbation.

Today I was able to work consistently, without problems. A funny and great thing happened, though. I was very concentrated on writing a report and all of a sudden an image or memory of my girlfriend popped in my head and I pictured her naked. A minute afterwards I had a boner while trying to work. A full boner, mind you, just like those I used to get while writing a test in class in high school and just watching any of my female classmates, I don't know, breathe. A couple of minutes went by and I was still hard. So much so, that I started laughing and just said: "oh now you want to come out and play all the time; you think you deserve it, where have you been for the past few years? Good boy!!!" It naturally subsided after a few minutes and I was able to get back to work.

And so I officially will say that today, on day 40, I felt something akin to libido coming back to me. I don't know if it's here to stay, but I will take it as a win.

Exercise, hydration, box-breathing, 15 minute meditation, cold shower, first blood, no YouTube, all ok. No good nutrition (I had hotdogs for lunch, home-made, but still, very white bready and ketchup-ey) and I had a cup of coffee after lunch.

 

[Nick Simons]

Hey Hugo,

Congrats on the big 40! 

Your story is both uplifting ... and at times hilarious as well - its good to sometimes just step back and laugh at ourselves a bit every now and then ("... where have you been for the past few years? Good boy!") ... . 

Anyway keep up the steady progress - you are a rock star.

 

[otanerferguson]

Day 41

No porn. No masturbation.

I had morning wood today. It didn't linger too long after I was awake, but still it was 100%.

Once again, I feel that libido is what I can describe as early 20s normal. Just randomly during the day, I had a couple of old fashion flashbacks to successful sexual encounters that I had during my 20s and they gave me good old fashion healthy erections. Daydreaming like in the old days. It seems like things are getting back to normal. I don't feel superpowers, like a lot of people claim, but I no longer feel impaired from the waist down. No masturbation, though, I'm saving all of my sexual energy for my real life woman. I am not wasting any more boners on myself or pixels. Now I know how valuable they are.

I am getting back on track with my work.

Exercise, box-breathing, hydration, 15 minute meditation, cold shower, no YouTube, no coffee, first blood, and good nutrition, ok.

Hey Hugo,

Congrats on the big 40! 

Your story is both uplifting ... and at times hilarious as well - its good to sometimes just step back and laugh at ourselves a bit every now and then ("... where have you been for the past few years? Good boy!") ... . 

Anyway keep up the steady progress - you are a rock star.

Heey Nick, thanks man. Yes, you know what they say, laughter is the best medicine. I appreciate your kind words and I hope you are doing great too!!! Keep kicking butt!!!

 

[otanerferguson]

Day 42

No porn. No masturbation.

Pretty normal day. No constant thinking about sex but I feel okay. Now, I am trying not to fantasize on purpose (about real life sexual encounters of the past) every few hours just to appreciate my newly found boners. I don't want to break the spell. And so I'm reserving them for real life stimuli.

Interesting Insight: On another train of thought, I knew that my porn use was more or less weekly before I started my reboot, and not daily, and looking back at earlier posts, I noticed that I entered the flatline as fast as day 5 after quitting, where I first mention it (I called it officially on day 13). And so, coming to think of it, my intermittent use of porn over the years has kept me on an extended flatline for years, where not knowing about the forces at play, I kept myself sort of in an endless quitting and relapsing loop (I just didn't know I was quitting). The weekly porn binge would reset my withdrawal symptoms the following day, and then I would plunge into the flatline over the next days after that. Hence my lack of need for porn in between binges, and my ED too after a good day.

And also, if you look at it, a lot of rebooters get a testosterone surge around day 7. And so, I was thinking that's probably how many days apart my binges were.

Well, just thoughts. I really wish I knew about this sooner. Oh, how much good sex I've missed. Oh well, we'll make up for it soon enough.

Exercise, box-breathing, hydration, 15 minute meditation, cold shower, no YouTube, no coffee, first blood, and good nutrition, ok.

I had trouble getting back to work after breaking for lunch, even if my mornings have been very productive for some days now,  and so, similar to first blood, I created what I call the Phoenix strategy, to rise from my ashes after lunch. Instead of taking a nap (which often turns into a movie), I box-breathe, do a long 45 minute Dr. Joe Dispenza's guided meditation (I often fall asleep for minutes at a time during it, and so I wake from it rested), make a cup of water or black tea (I know this is caffeine, but not as harsh as coffee), and get another 30 minute block of time in, and it has worked. It sparks me just enough to plunge back into work in the afternoon.

Strength to all of you my brothers!!!

 

[otanerferguson]

Day 43

Low energy today. I've been very flatliney.

See you tomorrow!

 

[otanerferguson]

Day 44

No porn. No masturbation.

Over the past two days I saw my newly found libido gone again. I feel very flat and emotionless. My penis is regular size though, not shriveled.

I did my morning routine just the same. We are on Easter holiday.

See you tomorrow.

 

[otanerferguson]

Day 45 - TRIGGER LANGUAGE WARNING

No porn. No masturbation. I am halfway through my reboot!!!

My girlfriend gave me head today. I still felt a little emotionless from yesterday, but after a minute of her fondling with my dick, it revived. I was hard throughout. I did not orgasm. We decided to wait. We said day 60, but this is helping me rewire to her. All in all a great day. I'm so happy to see my erections harder and holding longer.

Morning routine good. No good nutrition. We are on holiday after all.

See ya tomorrow!!!

 

[otanerferguson]

Day 46

No porn. No masturbation.

I woke up early with a massive rock hard boner. I was in bed all morning by myself watching TV and around 11 I fell back asleep and once again I woke up with another massive hard-on, very sensitive to touch. Not sensitive as in pain or tenderness, but as in "if I stroke this twice I will cum". I didn't, though.

Although, I've had bj's and even penetrated my girlfriend, I've gone 46 days without orgasm either. This has to be, without a doubt, the longest I've gone without one. Exactly two weeks from now, on day 60; that's when it will happen again.

Another thing that I've noticed is that my erect penis somehow looks longer than ever before. Noticeably longer. I don't know if that's the case because I did not measure it before, but it does seem that way.

Morning routine (at noon, but I still did it). Ate like a pig and had a cup of coffee. Tomorrow, I will be back on keto till next Saturday.

See ya tomorrow!

 

[otanerferguson]

Day 47

No porn. No masturbation.

A very uneventful back-to-work Monday. Energy levels seem normal now and I am able to perform well at my job. Nothing sexual in nature today. I didn't even fantasize and I did not have morning wood. Normal is ok. Normal feels like progress.

Exercise, box-breathing, hydration, 15 minute meditation, cold shower, no YouTube, first blood, 45 min afternoon meditation, phoenix tactic, and good nutrition, ok. I did have a cup of coffee today.

See ya tomorrow.

 

[otanerferguson]

Day 48

No porn. No masturbation.

Today was all about work. I got so much done. Finally getting my brain back. I almost forgot to write here. It was a good day. Nothing sex related. I did not have morning wood, but I am confident I am making progress.

I noticed I am less obsessed with the reboot. Like I am able to go on with life.

Exercise, box-breathing, hydration, 15 minute meditation, cold shower, no YouTube, first blood, 45 min afternoon meditation, phoenix tactic, and good nutrition, ok.

See ya tomorrow!

 

[Phineas 808]

Congratulations, Hugo, on day 48!

I noticed I am less obsessed with the reboot. Like I am able to go on with life.

This is exactly where you want to be, and what works for the porn is not an option mindset. You want to do what is necessary to set yourself up for success each day, and just forget about it- set it, and forget it. Just go about your day as if there's nothing wrong- because there isn't. You're simply changing an unwanted habit, that's all.

Those who are constantly obsessing about their reboot/recovery are usually white-knuckling, anyway.

...box-breathing, hydration, 15 minute meditation, ...first blood, 45 min afternoon meditation, phoenix tactic

Is box-breathing similar to Taoist or Buddhist breathing?

Could you explain what you mean by 'first blood'?

And, what is 'phoenix tactic'?

Thank you.