When you believe in magic

otanerferguson

Active Member
Day 87

I'm back in the city. It bothers me that as I approach day 90, I feel as sexless as I've ever been. I guess that's what I'm supposed to live through and there's nothing else to do but continue.

I did not do my routines today. I just had an early start at work today which sucked me in. I did wake up early enough to do my power hour habits but chose not to. I thought "fuck it" what's the point, and stayed in bed till it was time to get ready to work. Tomorrow will be different, I hope, but I was tired from driving back home last night.

Like I've said, the reboot fatigue is strong. It's not like I have anything to relapse into (I don't crave porn), so I don't worry about that, but I am not motivated and excited, because I'm not seeing any changes anymore. It's not a source of happiness or eagerness. I feel more disappointed than motivated because of nothing happening.

I look forward to the day when it just starts working normally and I'm able to say "I'm glad I did that".

Amazing works so far otanerferguson. You must be super happy with your progress. I am just starting my journey on here and hope to read a lot more inspiration journeys like yours.

Thanks Dangermouse!!! I hope your journey is great and I'm sorry if I haven't been as chipper in my last posts, but I guess that's also helpful to everyone, so that they can prepare themselves for the good AND the bad. Cheers mate!!!
 
Last edited:

otanerferguson

Active Member
Day 88

So today I have something interesting to report and I will go back in time to review some important days.

Today I experienced two things. First, I had morning wood 100% and I had a vivid NON-sexual dream last night. Both things that haven't happened in more than a month. The other is that I experienced seminal leakage during my bowel movement at noon today. It is weird because I haven't been aroused in weeks or even had sexual thoughts and you know that I've stagnated a bit over the past few days, so I will go ahead and call this progress.

Now, during my reboot, I experienced my first episode of seminal leakage just like the one I had today on day 23. If I subtract 23 from 88 (today's count), that would place the reset around day 65. On day 60 I had my last crappy sex attempt that did not go well. I did orgasm anyway then so this is consistent with calling the last time I orgasmed a reset.

My first successful sex encounter was on day 38 (without orgasm, but fully erect, with a condom and I did not lose the erection). Going by today's seminal leakage, that would place me back at that stage on day 103 (two weeks from now). The last time I had a successful sex encounter in which I orgasmed was on day 52. Again, doing the math from the seminal leakage episode, that would place me back at that stage on day 117. About a month and change into the future. I hope that's true.

So, even if I am not at the stage where I would want to be just two days from the reboot's end, I am hopeful because this seminal leakage at least points in the right direction.

See ya tomorrow.
 

otanerferguson

Active Member
Day 89

Today I had seminal leakage when I pooped again, just like on day 24, some 65 days ago. Big blobs of squiggly gel like substance. I see it as progress and definitely understand that my last sex-orgasm episode was interpreted by my body as a relapse. I felt tired today with no reason and took a nap at 11 am, so it's as if I was in my first flatline. Even if it still bugs me that I won't snap out of the flatline one day away from 90 days, the seminal leakage at least feels like something is happening as opposed to the last few weeks when it just felt like nothing was happening.

Yesterday's post—being able to look back and pinpoint specific days—showed me how valuable it has been to chronicle the play-by-play here and I'm reconsidering whether tomorrow will be my last post of the reboot.

See ya tomorrow.
 
Last edited:

otanerferguson

Active Member
Day 90

Here we are boys, girls, and non-binaries. We've had one heck of a journey during the last three months. We've been through it all in this Rocky Horror Picture Show and we've come out the other end still a little rough around the edges, wiser nonetheless. More than addiction recovery, this has been an exercise in patience; in learning to delay gratification in order to get the proverbial two marshmallows. At times it has been exciting to see physical changes happening in real time. At other times, the passage of time has been as entertaining as watching grass grow or stones age.

For something that is caused by the swift light-speed motion of bits of information, the cure is painfully slow; even in the arena of biological processes. Here's a red clover growing from seed to flower in 41 days, while three months later, we are still working on our infinitely smaller dopamine receptors, which apparently require one to undergo a radical transformation into a blend between a monastic enlightened human, a transcendental being of light, and Walker Texas Ranger, and once they start to come out, the little suckers scare away faster than a cat in front of a cucumber. Moreover, paraphrasing ancient wisdom, it takes a village to raise this child, although for this last bit, I am truly thankful. Thanks everyone for your contributions to this forum and this thread. Humbled to be in the presence of warriors. And thanks Gabe for this space and all your wisdom and kindness.

Boasting an unflinching teacher's pet complex, I've stuck to this longer than I've stuck to anything in probably a decade, meditating, eating well, exercising, cold showering, and journaling daily with only a handful of exceptions, but I've still been made to wander the desert for 40 years and as the quintessential average guy, I guess this too, is a rite of passage of our generation that I need to live through. I can't wait to be able to look back on this time from a different place.

No, I'm not cured. We've reached this milestone and there's still hard work to do. In which area to do it is less clear. Of course, we've got the porn part out of the way, and that's done. However, we still have a huge question mark around flatlining. Yes, I understand that dopamine production goes down, and dopamine receptors are numb too. No good combination. But why is it that once you've overcome that and healthy libido comes back, one orgasm will send you back into a flatline for so many days at a time? What is the process, what is happening and what, besides exercise, breathing, meditating, cold showers, etc. can truly speed up the recovery? We need to crack this code for future generations.

Lest I forget I still have to chronicle that I had some more seminal leakage today, but feel very tired and sexless.

I've decided (and I appreciate your encouragement) not to stop journaling and continue for a second run of 90 days. If one thing has given me pleasure and something to look for is sharing ideas with all of you in type so we'll do that some more. Hope you'll join me as we get to 180 days.

See ya tomorrow!
 
Last edited:

Bilbo Swaggins

Active Member
Day 90

Here we are boys, girls, and non-binaries. We've had one heck of a journey during the last three months. We've been through it all in this Rocky Horror Picture Show and we've come out the other end still a little rough around the edges, wiser nonetheless. More than addiction recovery, this has been an exercise in patience; in learning to delay gratification in order to get the proverbial two marshmallows. At times it has been exciting to see physical changes happening in real time. At other times, the passage of time has been as entertaining as watching grass grow or stones age.

For something that is caused by the swift light-speed motion of bits of information, the cure is painfully slow; even in the arena of biological processes. Here's a red clover growing from seed to flower in 41 days, while three months later, we are still working on our clay modeled infinitely smaller dopamine receptors, which apparently require one to undergo a radical transformation into a blend between a monastic enlightened human, a transcendental being of light, and Walker Texas Ranger, and once they start to come out, the little suckers scare away faster than a cat in front of a cucumber. Moreover, paraphrasing ancient wisdom, it takes a village to raise this child, although for this last bit, I am truly thankful. Thanks everyone for your contributions to this forum and this thread. Humbled to be in the presence of warriors. And thanks Gabe for this space and all your wisdom and kindness.

Boasting an unflinching teacher's pet complex, I've stuck to this longer than I've stuck to anything in probably a decade, meditating, eating well, exercising, cold showering, and journaling daily with only a handful of exceptions, but I've still been made to wander the desert for 40 years and as the quintessential average guy, I guess this too, is a rite of passage of our generation that I need to live through. I can't wait to be able to look back on this time from a different place.

No, I'm not cured. We've reached this milestone and there's still hard work to do. In which area to do it is less clear. Of course, we've got the porn part out of the way, and that's done. However, we still have a huge question mark around flatlining. Yes, I understand that dopamine production goes down, and dopamine receptors are numb too. No good combination. But why is it that once you've overcome that and healthy libido comes back, one orgasm will send you back into a flatline for so many days at a time? What is the process, what is happening and what, besides exercise, breathing, meditating, cold showers, etc. can truly speed up the recovery? We need to crack this code for future generations.

Lest I forget I still have to chronicle that I had some more seminal leakage today, but feel very tired and sexless.

I've decided (and I appreciate your encouragement) not to stop journaling and continue for a second run of 90 days. If one thing has given me pleasure and something to look for is sharing ideas with all of you in type so we'll do that some more. Hope you'll join me as we get to 180 days.

See ya tomorrow!
Well, congratulations for 90 days. If you feel that journaling is helpful to you, it’s a good idea to keep at it. It doesn’t have to be done on a daily basis though, it’s up to you… What I mean is that we’re not only journaling for emotional purposes, but also because other guys can give you good advice and even important information. Just one example: I’ve had my hormones checked by my urologist and my family doctor many times in the past, and they always told me that my levels were good. Two members from YBR (and one of them is a medical doctor) told me to get checked by a competent doctor, and not an average urologist. (As a side note, I recently discovered a success story from another rebooter in which he talked about his unusual journey. He said that after 3 years or rebooting, he still wasn’t cured. He then saw a different urologist than the one he usually saw, and that urologist told him that his levels, even though they were ‘in range’, were extremely low. So he tried Testosterone Replacement Therapy, and a few weeks later he was totally cured from PIED and other symptoms.)

So I’ve met with an anti-aging doctor 3 days ago, and the same thing happened: she told me that my testosterone was pretty low and that she will prescribe me testosterone. I don’t know yet if it will help me, but my point is that it’s being active on this forum (and on YBR) that made me try those different things. I don’t think I would have found out about this kind of information if I wasn’t active on the forum.

As you mentioned in your well-written post, this forum is some kind of lab where we try to find solutions to our libido problems. It’s not only an emotional outlet, it’s also a place of experimentation. If we’re able to participate on this forum without being obsessed by the process of rebooting, then it’s all good.

And… If we believe that porn might be the cause of our ED, and that rebooting could be the solution to it, well, we have to give it our best shot. There are so many accounts out there of guys who needed 9, 12 or 18 months to heal from ED… Of course we can be proud of ourselves when we reach 90 days, but for many guys, 90 days is still the beginning of the journey.

Anyway, I really don’t want to sound like I’m lecturing you! You’re doing good, and it’s been inspiring to read your journal so far. Congratulations again, and I hope to hear from you again in the future.
 

otanerferguson

Active Member
Day 91 --Trigger Language Warning--

I got a nuru massage today and I requested it without a happy ending. This is the type of massage where a gorgeous naked woman rubs her body against yours. I had never had one. It felt delicious.

My objective was to awaken my body to real contact without the burden of having to perform and having to involve emotions with my girl. Rewiring I guess. One hour. It didn't happen for a good while, because for the most part it's really just a massage with spine cracking and everything, but the last 15 minutes I was rock hard. It happened when she gently rubbed just her nipples on my chest while she dangled her enormous breasts on top of me. She contemplated my boner and said something along the lines of "it's a shame that it's gonna go to waste". Tell me about it, I thought.

Before that, I had felt very lethargic most of the day and I just wanted a thrill, and you know what, I got one. I did not orgasm, though, and I feel like this was positive. We'll see what happens in the following days. Right now I'm feeling great. No longer lethargic.

In other news, today I learned more about the forces at play neurologically during the flatline from this section on this article, which explains the withdrawal phase in every type of addiction. Specifically it caught my attention that:

"...the development of enduring aversive emotional states [which is what I would call the flatline if I was a scientist], mediated by overactivation of the stress and anti-reward systems or underactivation of the anti-stress systems, might contribute to the crucial problem in [...] addiction of chronic relapse..."

Just this paragraph gives us three systems to look at. Coming to think of it, the box breathing, meditation and regular moderate exercise that I already do are proven to work on two of those systems related to stress and now I want to learn more about that third one: the anti-reward system, so that's where I am on my quest.

Oh and I found out that this dopamine downregulated reward system homeostasis (balance) can be maintained by other compulsive behaviors. For example eating sugary foods, social network surfing, and lord knows what else the body interpretes as addiction that we haven't catalogued as such, like in the case of porn. That might be the reason why it's hard to get out of the flatline, because while we might not be relapsing to porn, we might be relapsing to many other things.

My next Google query will be "natural treatment for dysregulated motivational systems during withdrawal". Note that this is addiction generic, because if you add the word "porn" to it, nothing but nofap Reddit subs come up. So far I went down the rabbit hole of "post-acute withdrawal syndrome (PAWS)". Although its definition fits the flatline bill perfectly, it appears to be a little unscientific, new-agey, and discredited. Worth looking at some of the treatment approaches, though. I'll let you know when I know more.

See ya tomorrow!
 
Last edited:

otanerferguson

Active Member
Well, congratulations for 90 days. If you feel that journaling is helpful to you, it’s a good idea to keep at it. It doesn’t have to be done on a daily basis though, it’s up to you… What I mean is that we’re not only journaling for emotional purposes, but also because other guys can give you good advice and even important information. Just one example: I’ve had my hormones checked by my urologist and my family doctor many times in the past, and they always told me that my levels were good. Two members from YBR (and one of them is a medical doctor) told me to get checked by a competent doctor, and not an average urologist. (As a side note, I recently discovered a success story from another rebooter in which he talked about his unusual journey. He said that after 3 years or rebooting, he still wasn’t cured. He then saw a different urologist than the one he usually saw, and that urologist told him that his levels, even though they were ‘in range’, were extremely low. So he tried Testosterone Replacement Therapy, and a few weeks later he was totally cured from PIED and other symptoms.)

So I’ve met with an anti-aging doctor 3 days ago, and the same thing happened: she told me that my testosterone was pretty low and that she will prescribe me testosterone. I don’t know yet if it will help me, but my point is that it’s being active on this forum (and on YBR) that made me try those different things. I don’t think I would have found out about this kind of information if I wasn’t active on the forum.

As you mentioned in your well-written post, this forum is some kind of lab where we try to find solutions to our libido problems. It’s not only an emotional outlet, it’s also a place of experimentation. If we’re able to participate on this forum without being obsessed by the process of rebooting, then it’s all good.

And… If we believe that porn might be the cause of our ED, and that rebooting could be the solution to it, well, we have to give it our best shot. There are so many accounts out there of guys who needed 9, 12 or 18 months to heal from ED… Of course we can be proud of ourselves when we reach 90 days, but for many guys, 90 days is still the beginning of the journey.

Anyway, I really don’t want to sound like I’m lecturing you! You’re doing good, and it’s been inspiring to read your journal so far. Congratulations again, and I hope to hear from you again in the future.

Hi Bilbo my friend. Thanks for your kind words and your unwavering guidance. I appreciate it a lot. Rather than lecturing, I feel you are passing along the wisdom you've gained and I thank you for that.

I wish that testosterone replacement therapy is the answer for you and only urge you to go slow about it and discuss a cycling strategy and weaning off path with your doctor.

I was about to go down that route at some point but like with every treatment there is a catch to testosterone replacement. You see, there is a reason (which we don't know what it is), why your body is pulling the brakes on testosterone. Your body may already have thought you had it high enough and downregulated it. If you pump more in, the immediate effect is that you'll feel better. However in the long run, the surge in testosterone can be interpreted as a further overflow causing your body to pull even harder on the brakes, requiring more injections and so on and so forth. If you've ruled out high levels of estrogen, low levels of vitamin D and poor signaling between your thyroid and your nuts, then the low testosterone might be transitory and just might be the case that it's going up and down with your flatline. You might just happen to have measured when it was temporarily low.

When my doctor decided that I was hypogonadic, because the test had shown low enough testosterone, a week later just before starting the replacement therapy his endocrinologist colleague asked for a full hormone battery of tests, and I sneaked in the form another testosterone one, which came out perfect (with me just doing a few things from my protocol during that week). Mind you that even with elevated levels of testosterone I was still experiencing a sort of flatline and ED episodes.

He was relieved that he didn't have to give me the testosterone replacement anymore because with those levels I no longer qualified (and because he knew those risks I told you about above, and probably had experienced them with another patient). He referred me to the endocrinologist (who found me in perfect hormonal conditions) and then a sex therapist (who I didn't visit) and that's when I knew that testosterone was not the answer for me. I knew the problem lied deeper in my brain, behind my thyroid and pituitary gland (both of which had good signaling with my balls) and that's when I thought of other types of conditioning, the pavlov thing and added "masturbation" to my web search, landing here. Well YBOP first, but you understand what I mean.

I guess what I'm trying to say is just be careful and try to get off of it as soon as possible. And that testosterone is straightforward to manipulate but it is not necessarily the only thing involved in libido.

Power to you!!!
 
Last edited:

Bilbo Swaggins

Active Member
Day 91 --Trigger Language Warning--

I got a nuru massage today and I requested it without a happy ending. This is the type of massage where a gorgeous naked woman rubs her body against yours. I had never had one. It felt delicious.

My objective was to awaken my body to real contact without the burden of having to perform and having to involve emotions with my girl. Rewiring I guess. One hour. It didn't happen for a good while, because for the most part it's really just a massage with spine cracking and everything, but the last 15 minutes I was rock hard. It happened when she gently rubbed just her nipples on my chest while she dangled her enormous breasts on top of me. She contemplated my boner and said something along the lines of "it's a shame that it's gonna go to waste". Tell me about it, I thought.

Before that, I had felt very lethargic most of the day and I just wanted a thrill, and you know what, I got one. I did not orgasm, though, and I feel like this was positive. We'll see what happens in the following days. Right now I'm feeling great. No longer lethargic.

In other news, today I learned more about the forces at play neurologically during the flatline from this section on this article, which explains the withdrawal phase in every type of addiction. Specifically it caught my attention that:

"...the development of enduring aversive emotional states [which is what I would call the flatline if I was a scientist], mediated by overactivation of the stress and anti-reward systems or underactivation of the anti-stress systems, might contribute to the crucial problem in [...] addiction of chronic relapse..."

Just this paragraph gives us three systems to look at. Coming to think of it, the box breathing, meditation and regular moderate exercise that I already do are proven to work on two of those systems related to stress and now I want to learn more about that third one: the anti-reward system, so that's where I am on my quest.

Oh and I found out that this dopamine downregulated reward system homeostasis (balance) can be maintained by other compulsive behaviors. For example eating sugary foods, social network surfing, and lord knows what else the body interpretes as addiction that we haven't catalogued as such, like in the case of porn. That might be the reason why it's hard to get out of the flatline, because while we might not be relapsing to porn, we might be relapsing to many other things.

My next Google query will be "natural treatment for dysregulated motivational systems during withdrawal". Note that this is addiction generic, because if you add the word "porn" to it, nothing but nofap Reddit subs come up. So far I went down the rabbit hole of "post-acute withdrawal syndrome (PAWS)". Although its definition fits the flatline bill perfectly, it appears to be a little unscientific, new-agey, and discredited. Worth looking at some of the treatment approaches, though. I'll let you know when I know more.

See ya tomorrow!
Damn, that’s interesting! Man, don’t leave the forum, you have good stories 😅
Thanks for sharing that (not only the massage, but also the brain related stuff). Pretty interesting. I usually go with a simple explanation: for some guys, it just takes more time. Well, who knows? I believe it’s worth trying different things when it comes to healing from ED.
 

Bilbo Swaggins

Active Member
Hi Bilbo my friend. Thanks for your kind words and your unwavering guidance. I appreciate it a lot. Rather than lecturing, I feel you are passing along the wisdom you've gained and I thank you for that.

I wish that testosterone replacement therapy is the answer for you and only urge you to go slow about it and discuss a cycling strategy and weaning off path with your doctor.

I was about to go down that route at some point but like with every treatment there is a catch to testosterone replacement. You see, there is a reason (which we don't know what it is), why your body is pulling the brakes on testosterone. Your body may already have thought you had it high enough and downregulated it. If you pump more in, the immediate effect is that you'll feel better. However in the long run, the surge in testosterone can be interpreted as a further overflow causing your body to pull even harder on the brakes, requiring more injections and so on and so forth. If you've ruled out high levels of estrogen, low levels of vitamin D and poor signaling between your thyroid and your nuts, then the low testosterone might be transitory and just might be the case that it's going up and down with your flatline. You might just happen to have measured when it was temporarily low.

When my doctor decided that I was hypogonadic, because the test had shown low enough testosterone, a week later just before starting the replacement therapy his endocrinologist colleague asked for a full hormone battery of tests, and I sneaked in the form another testosterone one, which came out perfect (with me just doing a few things from my protocol during that week). Mind you that even with elevated levels of testosterone I was still experiencing a sort of flatline and ED episodes.

He was relieved that he didn't have to give me the testosterone replacement anymore because with those levels I no longer qualified (and because he knew those risks I told you about above, and probably had experienced them with another patient). He referred me to the endocrinologist (who found me in perfect hormonal conditions) and then a sex therapist (who I didn't visit) and that's when I knew that testosterone was not the answer for me. I knew the problem lied deeper in my brain, behind my thyroid and pituitary gland (both of which had good signaling with my balls) and that's when I thought of other types of conditioning, the pavlov thing and added "masturbation" to my web search, landing here. Well YBOP first, but you understand what I mean.

I guess what I'm trying to say is just be careful and try to get off of it as soon as possible. And that testosterone is straightforward to manipulate but it is not necessarily the only thing involved in libido.

Power to you!!!
Wow, thanks for such a detailed post!

I don’t know a lot about TRT, I only know the basics. So I can’t really talk about this subject. I’m aware that there are some risks with this treatment, and more importantly, that it might not have any impact on my libido. If I decide to try the treatment, I will do it carefully, and without having unrealistic expectations.

One thing I can say, though, is that I have had my hormones checked 5-6 times in the last 10 years, and the results were always similar. My testosterone is always between 17 and 19 nmol/L (490 to 548 ng/dl). It’s not that low, but it’s still chronically low.

Once again, thanks for the information. I didn’t know you had a good knowledge of this subject. If you don’t mind, I’d like to have your opinion on this when I get my next results and my prescription from the anti-aging doctor. I know you’re not a doctor, but still, it can’t hurt to have the opinion of a fellow rebooter on such a delicate subject.
 

casanova

Member
Before that, I had felt very lethargic most of the day and I just wanted a thrill, and you know what, I got one. I did not orgasm, though, and I feel like this was positive. We'll see what happens in the following days. Right now I'm feeling great. No longer lethargic.
Excellent idea with the nuru massage Hugo! I wish I could do it too, at least once a week. It definitely helps a lot to 'recharge' faster and to rewire to a real person. Looking forward to hear how you'll be feeling during these days after the massage.
 

otanerferguson

Active Member
Days 92, 93, and 94 -- THE FLATLINE IS NOT MISTERIOUS -- INTRODUCING ALLOSTASIS

The weekend was okay, I did not have any negative consequences from the massage on Friday so we are good. I did continue to have seminal leakage over the weekend and today, which is different from the first time because I only had it for two days then. It's been a week already.

I've got news from the science world my friends.

As it turns out, we can no longer call it "the misterious flatline" and claim that there is not much that is known about it like I keep reading in reboot and YBOP articles. The mechanism that explains it was hypothesized in 1978 and it has been well documented and studied for more than 20 years. It is called ALLOSTASIS. Even if you only understand a little bit of the neuroscience jargon, if you want to know what's going on with the flatline, at least read the abstract of:

George F Koob Ph.D & Michel Le Moal MD, Ph.D (2001) Drug Addiction, Dysregulation of Reward, and Allostasis. And especially the section on Drug withdrawal and allostasis.

Essentially what happens is that there are counter neuroadaptive mechanisms that, in the presence of the superstimulus of a drug (porn in our case) limit reward in order for things not to break. Once you are in what they call protracted abstinence (voluntarily off the drug for a long time) these mechanisms fail to return within the normal homeostatic range (level of normal balance) and get stuck at an undesired level, trying to trick you into taking the drug of choice. Hence the allostatic state which is defined as:

"...the process of maintaining apparent reward function stability by changes in brain reward mechanisms. The allostatic state represents a chronic deviation of reward set point and is fueled not only by dysregulation of reward circuits per se, but also by the activation of brain and hormonal stress responses."

What we experience in the form of semi permanent damages is called the Allostatic Load, which refers to the cost the body may have to pay for being forced to adapt to an adverse or deleterious psychological or physical situation. It's that shitty feeling and other damages associated with chronic stress like high blood pressure, adrenal damage, etc. It's an apparent "stability" but at a price. And here's what screws up our libido because the arousal process that leads to a boner and sex starts in your HPA axis, which gets highjacked by these stressors, pausing desired functions, like the sexy signaling starting in your brain; last stop: your balls, to keep it in fight mode.

"Activation of brain and pituitary stress systems may be another common response to repeated administration of drugs of abuse that may be involved in the negative emotional state associated with acute withdrawal (Table 3). Pituitary adrenal function is activated during drug dependence and during acute withdrawal from drugs of abuse in humans. Dysregulation of the HPA axis also can persist even past acute withdrawal (Kreek 1987; Kreek et al. 1984). Corticotropin-releasing factor (CRF) function, outside of the pituitary adrenal axis, also is activated during acute withdrawal from cocaine, alcohol, opiates, and THC and thus may mediate some of the behavioral responses to stress associated with acute abstinence (Heinrichs et al. 1995; Koob et al. 1994; Richter and Weiss 1999; Rodriguez de Fonseca et al. 1997)." I know porn is not any of those, but the mechanisms are the same.

Essentially what we have is a chemically stressed set point in various parts of our reward and limbic systems that does not allow us to get back to normal and process sexy cues into just getting horny. The brain is so busy fighting a war that stopped ages ago, that is unable to relay the simple message to get aroused. We are more in a state of fight or flight, instead of being in a shaggalicious state.

Now, for the treatment of the allostatic state, there are specific medications used for different types of addiction, according to the systems the drug operates on. One for alcohol, one for opiates, one for cocaine, and so on. These oppose the limiting mechanisms and allow you to get back to normal, while not feeling like shit in the meantime. The objective of those drugs is for the patient not to relapse to stop the shitty sensation. However, I notice that the times these drugs are prescribed for (6 months to 2 years) coincide with naturally subsiding times of anecdotal recounts of fellow rebooters, so these drugs might not be doing anything else that the body isn't doing by itself other than just alleviating symptoms.

I am not interested in drugs and so I turn to lifestyle choices that can work to solve these chronic stresses and as it turns out the best candidates are (and not because of their spiritual side, but because of their ability to produce oxytocin, serotonin and other feel good chemicals):
  1. Yoga.
  2. Guided imagery.
  3. Biofeedback (see box breathing above).
  4. Meditation.
  5. Mindfulness.
We'll explore these in the days to come. I'll let you know what I come up with. Oh, and casanova, the Karezza that you mentioned before works wonders for this, because just hugging another human being gives you lots of oxytocin, associated with less stress and overall happiness.

See ya tomorrow!

Once again, thanks for the information. I didn’t know you had a good knowledge of this subject. If you don’t mind, I’d like to have your opinion on this when I get my next results and my prescription from the anti-aging doctor. I know you’re not a doctor, but still, it can’t hurt to have the opinion of a fellow rebooter on such a delicate subject.

Hey Bilbo, not that I am knowledgeable, but it's a road I already traveled. Like you said, I'm not a doctor so take everything I say with a a grain of salt. You have to see how much of that testosterone is bioavailable in percentages too and how much estrogen and SBGH you have in your body. That said, I started with 0.14 nmol/L Free Testosterone and after one week under the protocol that I will lay out down below, I reached 0.36 (when the doctor saw it again and decided against TRT), and one month later 0.59. Normal range is supposed to be 0.2040 - 0.6370. Like I said, this has great consequences for your overall health, confidence, manliness, muscular tone, it even makes you more attractive, but it didn't do much for my libido. However, if you want to get this off the table before you embark on the TRT journey:

Food:
  • 3 Brazil Nuts per day (if you can't find these, just buy Selenium 200 mcg from GNC or the like and take one capsule a day. Stop if you start to get a metallic taste in your mouth, which doesn't happen with the Brazil Nuts, lord knows why).
  • 20 almonds per day (unsalted, unsweetened, just raw).
  • 3 eggs per day (preferably your last meal of the day, within three hours of going to sleep; cholesterol is your friend in the testosterone war, contrary to what 90s dieticians might have said).
  • 3 strawberries or 1 kiwi
  • 10 minutes with face and arms in the sun (maybe a walk) or Cod liver oil caplets with every meal if weather don't allow.
  • Enough water (just drink one or two glasses with every meal or spread it out).
  • Avoid foods that contain soy (note that lots of deli meats and sausages have soy, and almost all processed foods that are crunchy are processed with soybean oil, so look out), avoid sugary everything and forget about beer.

Body:
  • Monday, Wednesday, Friday (kettle or dumbbell swings, 10 minutes of 20 seconds swinging, 20 seconds rest, 20 seconds swinging, 20 seconds rest...). Don't overdo it with the weight. It's more about the motion than the weight. You can go the full 10 minutes with swings, or you can do 7 mins swings and the last three pushups). You can also substitute this with heavy lifting for large muscle groups (squats, deadlifts, chest and shoulder presses), but I find that for the protocol, the first option is easy to get out of the way in the morning and if you don't feel like going to the gym later, at least you're taken care of.
  • Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday (Jumping Jacks or Hampelmann, 10 minutes of 20 seconds Jumping Jacks, 20 seconds rest, and so on...)
  • This app allows you to build a custom timer for the 20 seconds stop, 20 seconds go for ten minutes.
  • Avoid too much exercise (hours on end at the gym or multiple trips to exhaustion)
Mind:
  • Box breathing for 10 boxes daily upon waking up (get the app for Android or iPhone)
  • Sleep well (perhaps with an app like brain.fm or just download this file and find earbuds that don't hurt like the iphone's or flat over ears and ZZZ)
  • Take walks if you can.
  • Avoid alcohol.
These are the essentials and you have to do all of it. The food without the exercise and the correct state, plus the other way around doesn't work. Have fun!
 
Last edited:

otanerferguson

Active Member
Day 95

Pretty uneventful day. I did wake up in the middle of the night last night and I was hard. I don't remember if I was dreaming anything in particular. I wasn't able to go deeper into yesterday's concepts regarding Allostasis, but I will get to it soon enough.

See ya tomorrow!
 

otanerferguson

Active Member
Day 96

I'm still feeling unmotivated and sexless, which I'm hoping will pass in about five to ten days. It is slowly improving but I'm nowhere near past the flatline. I've increased the box breathing exercise to 10 minutes with nose humming while exhaling (to increase production of nitric oxide) and now I'm watching Louie Schwartzberg's First Season of Moving Art on Netflix while I do it to encourage the production of several other neurochemicals through the novelty of ever-changing natural structures passing before my eyes while I breathe.

This is part of the first effort out of the 5 I outlined in my previous post to tackle the flatline. I did some more reading and found out that the big offender in the story of the long term allostasis (flatline) is the hyperactivation of the Corticotropin-Releasing Factor System, or CRF for short. That's the sucker that messes up your HPA axis and makes you feel lifeless in the long run. More specifically:

"...recruitment of the CRF-CRF1 systems and possibly dynorphin/κ opioid system in the CeA, BNST, and VTA during withdrawal may participate in the emergence of the b-process, i.e, or negative emotional state that drives the motivation to seek drugs." In our case, a flatline that prompts us to test with porn.

If you want to know more about your flatline from a scientific standpoint: George, O., Le Moal, M., & Koob, G. F. (2012). Allostasis and addiction: role of the dopamine and corticotropin-releasing factor systems. Physiology & behavior, 106(1), 58–64.

Without reading that, you just have to know that, CRF essentially comes down to stress and depression management, but at the level of PTSD, not just the simple blues, and we're lucky the US Navy has spent some millions in that line of research. We need to bring out the big guns and that's why I stepped it up with the box-breathing (which, mind you, is used by the SEALs). I'm considering doing the Wim Hof method, but I don't know if that just creates more short-term stress, doubling down on that a-process to b-process ratchet every time you back and forth, making things worst, so I'm holding off for now. I think the next big thing I could adopt from the list is yoga. I was once an enthusiast, but haven't practiced in quite some time. Let's see how that helps.

See ya tomorrow!
 
Last edited:

otanerferguson

Active Member
Day 97

Once again on top of my daily routine I stared at Moving Art while I did my box breathing and I extended it for 10 minutes. I somehow felt uplifted and more motivated. I did Wim Hof breathing in the afternoon way past the three times he does it while watching this kaleidoscope until I got a hit of body DMT from the pituitary gland that knocked me out of consciousness and felt trippy awesome. The hit lasted well over a minute and a half, and I stayed entranced for about another ten. They say that a single Ayahuasca trip can cure PTSD with permanent effects, so this is the poor man's version, self-induced, without the actual external drug. Just the tiny amount the pituitary is able to produce on its own but I'm sure that's enough and it positively reset my mood tremendously.

I'm trying to destress at a deeper level to get over the down feeling from the flatline. After that I did yoga (socially distanced mind you). It was a gym yoga class, which sucks, because it's only asanas taught by the same guy that teaches the functional class and so it's very loud, aerobicky, and nothing like the ashtanga yoga I used to do years ago, but the stretching and balancing were ok and I felt it did it's purpose. I'm actually feeling great right now. Plus I got to see wedged-in tights on real women up close and in person in bent over positions, which is always nice if you ask me, and I got to just chat and joke around with the women in the class afterwards, which I think it's beneficial to jumpstart my libido. It felt good anyways.

See ya tomorrow!
 
Last edited:

guitar1968

Active Member
You are certainly taking an intellectual approach to your healing. That is incredible. If nothing else, all the research, reading and trying things has to be good for getting your mind off of porn. I don't think I can go that deep into the science, but I do like a lot of what you're discussing. I'm exercising more, trying to eat better and playing a lot of guitar. I'm also trying to connect more and better with my wife and daughter.

Good luck on your journey. I'm enjoying following your story.
 

Phineas 808

Well-Known Member
Congratulations Hugo, on going beyond your 90 days!

And from the sound of things, you're connecting with 'real-life' sexuality, natural attraction, and reaction toward the opposite sex. I also appreciate your scientific approach, and will look at the material you provide above a little deeper as time allows.

Grateful for you sucesses and for your healing journey.
 

otanerferguson

Active Member
Days 98 through 109

I can't believe it's been this long since I last journaled. To be honest, it did me a lot of good to take my mind off the reboot for a few days. You see, I moved over the past week and a half and I moved most of the little stuff myself driving back and forth. I just left the bigger stuff, so that the movers could fit everything in a single trip on the last day. After that, I spent some days setting everything up. This left me drained every day and I didn't feel like turning on the computer for the entire time.

Oddly enough, not obsessing about the science of the reboot and everything that I've been exploring over the past days, allowed my body to just be. You did have a point about posting frequency @bilbobaggins. I had sex on day 107. It wasn't amazing or anything, but it was okay. It took me a while to get horny and I just explored my girlfriend's body, just kissing, caressing, and nibbling on her bits. A lot of foreplay later, like 20 minutes, my libido actually kickstarted and I felt desire and I had a reasonable boner. One thing we agreed on with her, was not to give me hand stimulation, so all this foreplay there was no stroking of my dick. I think that works for the rewiring too. I did not orgasm, although I almost did when she did, but I was able to pull out and hold it in.

It wasn't as awesome as on day 38 or day 52, but it was a start. I realized that not obsessing about it might be better and just focusing on sharing laughs and each other's touch with my girlfriend, plus physical activity and good food might be good enough. So my friend @guitar1968, your approach might just be the right one.

Thank you @guitar1968, @Phineas 808, @bilbobaggins , and @casanova for your encouragement, great insights and opening up. I really appreciate it and wish you all a swift recovery and a lifetime of joy my brothers.

See ya... soon.
 
Last edited:

casanova

Member
Awesome news Hugo, I'm glad for you! Amazing progress, and excellent that you managed to have sex without O. So you don't need to wait too long for another session, and keep progressing faster with your rewiring. I'm with the feeling that this month of June will be an amazing one in our journeys. Wishing you success there, we keep in touch!
 

guitar1968

Active Member
That is great news. Things seem to really be getting better for you and your realization that maybe taking a break about thinking about all this is a good thing.

I've been thinking about the libido issue that we all seem to face and I'm wondering is it that maybe we're just getting to a more normal libido? Why would we go every day feeling like having sex? Is that the norm? I honestly don't know. I thought I had to masturbate every day. It's just who I am I told myself. I need it. I have a high libido. Maybe a normal libido is kissing your wife and feeling things stir, but when you are going about daily life you aren't always feeling like you are ready to have sex. Porn kept pulling me back in every day. It told me that I needed it, that I needed it so much I couldn't go a day without it. And, it's been that way for so long I have no idea what normal, porn free libido is.

Anyway, that's my questioning moment and it comes from your search for your libido. I'm about 55 days into this. 2 orgasms in those 55 days. One good one and the other was harder to get to. And mostly I haven't been feeling much like having sex or masturbating during this time frame. I only masturbated to see if it was possible.

I'm rambling. Anyway, I enjoy your posts and I learn a lot and I question a lot of what I'm going through as well.
 

otanerferguson

Active Member
Days 110-116

I had sex a second time successfully. I had my dick go hard for a minute, then soft in anguish as I lost my erection, and then hard again only after a lot of foreplay, eye-gazing and just connecting with my girl. However, after that I was able to give my girlfriend three orgasms (not because I was a great lover or anything; it was just because she was probably ovulating and so raunchy herself that she would have cum three times with or without me; think of me as a human dildo in this situation). I did not orgasm myself again just in case. It was not perfect and I still felt like running with a cast on, but we are moving in the right direction, I guess. Libido, although a little awake, still feels low.

I had anticipated being at the stage where I could have sex again at day 117, after the last orgasm on day 52 followed by a killer flatline that took as long as the first reboot to resolve, so we are more or less right on schedule. My advise to anyone with PIED, that's just starting out would be to not orgasm for a few months during and after the reboot, even if you feel like your PIED is fixed, just to not have a set back while you get up and running.

I have not been giving this much thought and I've been focusing on enjoying life and working on my career. Have fun guys, spend time with your loved ones, laugh, go for walks, move your body, commune with nature, talk to every woman that crosses your path, just don't be a dick, eat good wholesome foods, have some wine. That's the best cure.

I've gone almost four months without porn and I haven't missed it or craved it once, even a little bit the entire time (just knowing that's the cause of PIED), so I am grateful for that. I know that's not as easy for some of you and all my good wishes are with you. Power to you my friends.

See you soon!
 
Last edited:
Top