Here’s my story

Greetings all! I?m a 44 mwm who has discovered that porn has screwed me up. For my back story, I have always been very sexually actively, in the lifestyle, and happily married. I?ve watched porn off snd on for years, but never had any issues like this before. I?ve had months on end where I would have sex almost daily, sometimes more than once a day. As I got older and my sexual exploits have slowed down, I guess I started supplemented the lack of sex with porn. When I say lack of sex, I?d say it was down to a couple times a week instead of daily. Nothing caused the drawdown, just age, hormones, and situation mostly. I supplemented the sex drawdown with porn. My wife didn?t mind it as she enjoyed it sometimes too.

For the past year or so I?ve noticed a change. The sex I was having started dwindling further snd I was having difficulties getting fully hard. At first I was thinking hormones as I do suffer from low T as well. I was given Viagra from my dr and everything was good. My T levels were fine and I only used the Viagra during play dates and long nights. Things were ok but I still wasn?t right. The past few months I?ve noticed my erections coming less and less when trying to have sex, but would have no problem with porn. I always heard overstimulation could cause issues, but I didn?t think it would ever happen to me. So here I am. Not only is it affecting my sex life, I don?t feel whole anymore. I knew I needed to do something to get me back while.

I decided to give up the porn, give the chatting and writing erotica stories a break. I have continued chatting with friends but nothing sexual is involved. It usually takes a couple weeks for me to get back right but this may take longer this time. I?ve discussed things with my wife and I?m lucky to have an amazing partner. She knows I have been going through libido fluctuations so I told her what I?m doing and it should be the answer we have been looking for. I know it will be a rough road but it will be worth it. So I am on Day 3 with no porn. I?m feeling good and keeping myself occupied with other things. It?s a struggle throughout the day but I just look at the light at the end of the tunnel. I am going back to the gym as well to get back in shape I was a few years ago. I want to be as excited while being intimate with a woman like I used to! And I?ll get there. One thing I do know is that I cannot go back to watching porn snd masturbating numerous times a day.

So.... day 3 and I?m doing well. I think this journal will help me keep focus and help me meet my goal, and stay there. I?m expecting to flatline any day now and just wait it out until I start feeling whole again. I?m looking forward to having sex the way I used to, no matter how long it takes.
 

otanerferguson

Active Member
It seems that you are very aware of what you are doing, on the right path to fix it and what to expect. I would say that you are going to weather this one. I would also bet that your T issues are related to this, as I read that there might be some down regulation of Testosterone accompanying desensitization and/or the flatline. Anyway, I can tell you that I raised my T naturally a lot, to the point where I have very good and high levels, and still no reliable erections and only intermittent desire with perfect health otherwise (Google send me down the testosterone path before finding out about porn-induced ED). So I'm hoping that the reboot will be the answer to you and me my friend. Keep going!!!
 
Day 4. Mildly successful throughout the day. I think I am starting to flatline already. I will be able to tell more tomorrow. I am very aware of what I am trying to do and doing my best to avoid triggers. It?s a constant effort though. I had some temptation today with some text messages and videos that were shown to me. I was quickly able to steer the conversation away from a sexual element and avoid they cybering I typically get off on. No real need to explain anything either. One good thing about LS friends, they totally get that breaks are needed from time to time. I am keeping occupied in my spare time and not diving into the abyss that I usually do. Games, reading material, conversations are helping. I?m starting a new gym program on Monday to get my mind snd body set right like I was a couple years ago. I?m looking forward to it. Tomorrow?s another day. I just have to make sure I stay focused.
 
Day 5 was yesterday. Was a rough one. I found myself subconsciously flipping through my phone. I noticed the trend right away but the habit of searching almost got it. Was tempted. I had a lot of stress snd anxiety. Not sure if it was the concentration of not looking at porn and beating off or something else. I need to find something to occupy my time. I will be out of quarantine tomorrow and will be headed to the gym first thing after work. I have my workout plan set and about to get it on. I thought I may be flatlining the other day, but after yesterday I?m not so sure. Woke up with morning wood this morning. First time in a long time. And have been wanting to spend more snd more time with my wife. Hoping some intimacy may help this along. But as I said before, work schedules and other activities hinder that at times.

Let?s see what today brings....
 
Well, day 6 was yesterday. Had some temptations and I?m finding it hard to break the habits that lead me to porn. I found myself subconsciously scrolling looking for erotica, luckily I caught myself before I finished the URL. It?s crazy how your brain just does what it wants or thinks it needs. I woke up with a wood again this morning. This hasn?t happened in a while. I am not sure I am full flatline as I still have a lot of sensation. I did downloaded an app that will help me track my progress as well as this blog. It has a lot of meet tools that could be helpful. I did some meditation yesterday to help keep me focused snd I start back to the gym today. I?m ready to get my day started...
 
Day 7 was yesterday. While I didn?t have any cravings or urges it was a rough day. Habit is still there b I was easily able to change my direction. It was actually a quick switch with no major issues. It was actually pretty easy. It was more habit yesterday than anything. HOWEVER...I was severely depressed yesterday. It was a rough day. My wife asked me what was going on and I explained what was going on with everything. She absolutely understood why I am feeling this way. This whole thing is a touchy subject since she blames herself for the PIED. I keep telling her it?s definitely not her. ?Uou can get hard with porn, and with other people... I?m the problem?. I explained to her that my play with others is always prepped with ED drugs, and my brain has required itself to porn. I don?t think she fully understands how often I was using porn. I used it as a systems check for the real deal, but would be really frustrated when it wouldn?t get up for game time. We had a long discussion snd were ok. We ended the night with some very sensual lovemaking. I?m pretty flatlined so there was no penetration,  but just being with her felt amazing and was very enjoyable. On to the next day!!
 
Day 8. Went well. It?s a weekend and I kept busy. Hung out with my wife and kids most of the day. I didn?t have many cravings or urges today. After the conversation with her Friday I?m feeling better about this journey. She?s been very encouraging since I said intimacy is ok and can be helpful. We been fooling around more which is amazing! I?m finally no longer feeling the pressure of getting an erection when we fool around which is helping us enjoy it. I did actually get enough of a hard on for penetration but I didn?t want to push it, just enjoying my time with her. That?s all that matters. She is being very helpful with resisting the urges I do get. I am hoping the flatline doesn?t last long but I am being patient. It?s all I can do as I work this rewiring during my reboot. Let?s see what today brings!!?
 
Yesterday was day 9. Was a pretty good day. I kept busy, wasn?t on my phone much and spent a lot of the day with her. I?m finding I have a lot more free time and have been a bit more productive at work snd at home. I finished up some remodeling touches in the basement and was able to relax a bit. No play time like the past few days but that?s typical for our sundays. The urges for porn and masturbation weren?t really there. I can tell I?m still in a flatline but it?s ok. I?m noticing more physical reactions from my body when I think of her or am around her... which was missing for a long time. There?s still a long way to go and I feel I?m analyzing everything, but in a good way. My biggest concentration is just letting this journey take its course.

Today starts the work week. Downtime at work is when I would sit and surf the sites. Last week I kept busy snd I plan on doing the same. If there?s a time I would relapse with porn, it?s going to be at work. But I?m ready for it. I?m hitting the gym and starting a new workout program so that will help. I think a good combo or physical and mental health will be a big help and get my blood flowing in all the right places lol.
 
Yesterday was day 10. I?m feeling ok. No real urges minus some random pics I saw but nothing to give me the irresistible need to whip it out. I?ve resisted masturbation before for a lot longer for many reasons before, so I?m not too worried about that. The porn on the other hand is more difficult. Sex and orgasm has been a MAJOR part of my life since I can remember, real sex as well as masturbation. Usually when I am getting laid regularly masturbation dramatically decreases, which makes a lot of sense. But as I said before, the PIED I am experiencing is a whole other animal. The urge to check if I can get hard is getting stronger. I?m still in flatline. I thought maybe that I was coming out of it, but I?m not sure. The anticipation is getting to me. I?m getting impatient. I want to have sex. It?s frustrating. Sex is very important to my marriage and it?s been lacking for a while due to my issues. I guess I need more patience. When it comes to my sexual prowess, I usually don?t have it lol. Oh well, writing these thoughts down is helping me though. I can tell you that.

I went to the gym for the first time in over a year. It felt good. I was able to run a couple miles (very slowly though since I?m so out of shape) and started some body weight circuit training. I walked out of there dead lol and feeling good. The blood was definitely flowing. I am hoping this will help me out more mentally because I know I will benefit from it physically. Rest day and back to it tomorrow. I hope I have the strength to get through today.... I got this... it?s just getting hard (no pun intended lol)
 
J

J01

Guest
Awesome job on the double digits (10 days) and on getting back to the gym after a year's absence.  Keep the workouts going and stay alert with work and web surfing!
 
So I?m on Day 13. Almost two weeks since I last watched or viewed any porn or relieved myself. I?m feeling ok. It?s feeling easier and easier to curb any urges I get. I am also finding it easier to ignore or pass by any sexy or explicit images I may see through out the day. I think I am in pretty good control. With that said, I am making a completely conscious every day, throughout the day. My end goal is what?s most important to me and that?s where my focus is. The gym is helping out a lot. It?s directing any nervous energy or anxiety into something that is benefitting me physically. I sit in a cold shower for a few minutes to start my day. It?s uncomfortable but I?m getting used to it. Meditation helps me keep focus, but I have been doing breathing exercises and meditation for years to help with my anxiety and PTSD. Porn and masturbation was used as a quick escape from all of that.

So I feel that I am slowly.... very slowly coming out of my flatline. I could be wrong though. I am feeling more sensation and I?m coming out of a total shrivel lol. I?m hoping to have some private time with my wife this weekend. I enjoy pleasing her even if I?m unable to penetrate her yet. Hopefully this weekend. I keep reminding myself this is a process and not a quick fix. End goal is key and all of the little goals I set for myself daily is helping me climb that ladder to reach my end goal!

On another note... has anyone noticed, that since they have abstained from porn for a while, that everything, even in day to day life, is sexualized?! Ads, tv, even every day Facebook posts. I?m starting to notice the little things again and it?s shedding some light to me on a bunch of things. No wonder so many of us have issues with PMO and PIED. there?s temptation everywhere!
 

LetItGoAlready

Active Member
Congrats on Day 13, Inked! And well done sticking with your gym routine after taking a long break from it. It seems like you're making considerable gains physically and emotionally from this reboot, and I commend you for that. Onward, friend!
 

joepanic

Well-Known Member
Nice going on the 13 days    How was your weekend  It used to be a bad time for me  What did they used to say  "idle hands do the devils work"  Ive now found more  fun things to do now

    Cheers

  Post often it helps me it helps you
 
Thanks Joepanic. Weekend was good. Kept busy and spent some time with the family. Kept myself out of trouble too lol hope you enjoyed your weekend too!

So day 15 was today. I?m not really having a hard time avoiding porn and haven?t really had an urge to masturbate the past couple days. I have had some movement in the flatline department. I had some good blood flow the past couple days. I wouldn?t call it a full blown erection, but probably hard enough to have sex. Best part is that it was achieved by touch and not porn or porn fantasy. Well, thoughts of my wife did find her way into my thoughts.... which I think is a very good thing.

I?m finding I am having a harder time with chatting with others than I do with porn snd jerking off, but I am being successful not diving back into it. So everything is doing well so far. Back to the gym tomorrow and starting a new week!!

Side note.... I HAD SEX TONIGHT!!!! Now to keep on track and continue with my progress!!!
 

joepanic

Well-Known Member
Hey Inked
      Looks like progress to me  but am I to understand you had ed issues of some sort before  and it returned to normal again?    What changes if any did you make at that time?

      Cheers

      Post often it helps me it helps you
 
I do have ED, I have been wrestling with it a while thinking it was age and in my head, but after doing some research and trying to figure it out, I came to the conclusion that it?s porn induced. If I wasn?t setting a play date up or chatting with potential partners, I was watching porn. Honestly this would take up most of my free time. I never put two snd two together with the issues I was having when it came to actual sex, especially with my wife (she is fully aware of my chatting and extracurriculars and I do so with her approval... just making that clear). I have been porn and masturbation free now for over two weeks. I started noticing I was coming out of my flatline a few days ago and just kept doing what I was doing. Sex the other night was unexpected but I?ll take it! I did use a cock ring/strap but I?m not sure I needed it lol. It gave me a big boost in my confidence and showed me the path I am taking is definitely the right move for me. I am noticing a huge difference with cutting out self pleasure and watching porn. Working out, medication, cold showers, and reading/videos have kept me focused snd will continue to do so. I?m still tempted sometimes but I had a taste of my end goal and I?m not turning back. Time and patience brother! Just time and patience is what it takes to get where you want to be!
 
Good job inked.  Get ready your brain is going to get nasty with you.  It is and evil organ.  Lol.  We are all proud of you.  Right now you must keep your guard up, which it sounds like you are doing.  When my mind tries playing tricks on me, I try thinking about my end goal,  and that usually keeps me on the straight and narrow. Keep your mind busy. Porn is no longer an option.
 
Yesterday was day 26. I?m going good with no stroking or porn. It?s been tough lately, especially since my erections have come back and have been solid, just as solid if I took a pill. I am still limiting the chatting, which is working well. I am working on being self aware and am currently able to back off and take myself away from things that give me the urge. Once I get the urge I take myself away from the situation. I may be playing with fire a bit, but when I do get urges they aren?t all day urges like they were. Last a short time. Picking up other activities has helped. The gym, meditation and putting my phone down has kept me on the path.

I think my biggest temptation is when I am contacted from friends who want to get together. It?s tough because many times those conversations come with sex talk and sometimes enticing pictures. I?m doing well and limiting this to short conversations. Which helps. I can?t spend all day doing this like I used to, and my production in my personal life and professional has improved greatly!

Just a quick update since it?s been a while since I posted. Hope al is doing well!!
 
So it?s late on day 28. 4 weeks into this. I?m not saying this is a cakewalk or easy for me, because it is not. For a guy who put sex at the too tier of priorities, it is very difficult for me to have given up erotica and self pleasure. There were times where I would watch porn and masturbate multiple times a day. Sometimes up to 3-4 times a day. That?s not including actual sex and watching porn throughout the day without masturbating. I definitely have a problem and didn?t realize it until I realized my ED was a byproduct of my activities. It was upsetting, it was a gut check, and a humbling realization. If I wanted my life back, my marriage back, and my lifestyle back, there was only one real choice. When I stumbled upon this forum and the many videos and tools on the subject. I had to give it a try.

I am happy to say that there is life at the end of the tunnel!!! With meditation, the gym, good communication with my wife, and cutting out the self pleasure and porn (it?s hard to steer clear of all erotica in today?s world, but I do my best and avoid as much as possible), I am definitely seeing some very positive e results!! After a week or so in flatline, I finally came out of it and have been getting and sustaining erections again. Some are so rigid they are better than when you pop a pill! I?ve had sex a few times since I started this journey and came out of flatline, and have had great success!! I didn?t have any issue or concerns, my confidence is very high right now. Tonight I didn?t even need a cock ring, and it was just a quickie with no preparation. The wife is very very happy too!!

This was my main goal when I started this journey, to kick PIED. And I have to say it is working. I am having success, but at the same time I am very aware that this is the time I can fall into the trap again... thinking it?s ok to sneak a peak, or rub one out real quick. It?s tempting for sure, and I struggle with it throughout the day... almost every day. It?s not the time to let my guard down. If I am not careful I can be in the same spot I was 4 weeks ago. I don?t want that, so I?m going to keep working.

Just wanted to say that your goals are reachable, they are!! If you saw me 4 weeks ago I was almost in a hopeless state. Dealing with issues for over a year and not knowing what to do. I now have control over my own wants and desires, and will continue to work to not fall back. I put a porn blocker on my phone, as well as a Reboot tracker app on my phone to help me keep track, help me meditate and help me throughout the day. I may not write in my journal daily but I put the tracker in my night time ritual and it helps. I wish you all strength and courage as you continue your journey as I am. Maybe try those tools I mentioned if you?re struggling. They may help!!!
 
Day 31. I made it a full month. What I thought would be almost impossible, I?ve been able to accomplish. But I have to say, this is not easy. I have good days and bad days. Some days it?s not even a thought, other days it?s a struggle and I have to catch myself. This is a difficult process and cannot be taken lightly. I?ve had some successes in reaching my goals. I have been able to maintain a full erection for sex a handful of times and have been lucky enough to use it... so that?s a big plus. My successes, however, gives me a false sense that I am over this, which I am most definitely not.

So the past few days have been very stressful (ongoing family issues mostly). I am realizing that stress and anxiety are a huge trigger for me. It?s like I need that dopamine rush and it?s been a struggle. While I haven?t watched any porn or pleased myself for the rush, I find myself playing with fire. I find myself chatting with friends and before I know it, the conversation turns very erotic. I stop it once I realize where it?s going, but I need to catch this behavior sooner. What starts out innocent soon turns to something else. I think this is the bigger hurdle for me, more so than watching porn honestly. I?m not going to say I?ve had a relapse, but I?m walking the fine line. I know it. Once pictures start being shared along with the chat, it?s going to be over and I?ll be back to square one.

Funny thing... I can work all this through in my head, be aware of what?s going on with me and ways to keep working it. It doesn?t really hit me unless I write it out on the forum. This forum, and me writing out my thoughts is a real reality check. I?m not sure if others feel that way too, but it has a major affect on me and my journey. Once I type it out, and reread it, it helps me right the ship. I need to make it a point to write more. It?s a great tool and will only keep me going.
 
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