My Reboot Journal

Redalc

Active Member
Hey, to anyone who would be willing to read this and reach out I appreciate it so much.
Here?s my story, thus far.

I have been looking at Porn and MOing since I was 12. I?m currently 22 will be 23 in about 1 1/2 months. I believe PMO is all wrong. I?ve never had sex. I don?t plan to until I get married. I just recently found this forum. And I haven?t read everything yet, I?m learning lots all the time just trying to absorb as much as I can. I am addicted to PMO, I?ve gone back and forth for the last 10 years on and off trying to stop it, with never no more success then about 3 weeks on average. Most of the time I make it about 2 weeks before the cravings are so strong I finally give in because I?m sick of fighting them. Sometimes it?s with just MO which then usually leads into a week or so of PMOing until I flatline i think, at which point i am super depressed and anxious and unmotivated and stressed out. And I start to search and determine not to do this anymore. And yet, I stay strong for about 2 weeks sometimes more depending on what I am preoccupied with. I?ve realized that I am causing PIED and I don?t want that. I don?t want the shame and hurt that will cause me and my future wife. But I keep falling back into the addiction. My desires I notice changing in what I look for in P, I see a failure to become aroused by Porn I used to be aroused by and progressively keep diving deeper into more and more hardcore videos. I?ve been working hard to identify factors that cause temptation. I?m not watching anything TV or Movie wise right now that has any sexual content, let alone really any relationships, mostly anything I watch is documentaries which I think are good. I?ve deleted FB, Instagram, and Netflix and Amazon prime off my phone so if I do watch stuff it?s only out in the living room in a more open to the whole family area. I?m trying to determine ahead of time triggers that will come as I know they will.

I?m currently on day 7 of the latest reboot. I?m reading this forum, and YBOP, and trying to stay busy and learning, but I live in AK and it?s super cold and snowy and the roads are bad and so it makes it hard to stay active when I?m off work. Which is generally when I fall, in the evenings. Anyhow. There?s a lot that I?m going through. As i know there is with everyone else on here. I suspect the more I write the more it will come out and all the things I want to say I?ll remember. I appreciate any accountability you all could give me.

I?m on day 7.
Today was mostly easy. Again i don?t usually have struggles until the second week and beyond. And I was able to stay busy dealing with snow and other work I needed to get done so I was occupied. I?m gonna go to bed now. Thanks for reading.
 

Robert7M

Member
Hello Redalc, it's a pleasure to read you.

You can read journal of other's to see how they fight with it. You can also read stories of who succeed to take some ideas to what come to them,why and how they fight PMO.

Good luck !

Salutations !!

 

Redalc

Active Member
It?s the end of day 8. Today was okay. I didn?t struggle with being tempted to PMO, didn?t really have any cravings toward that or anything. I was occupied most of the day with church and family and friends. It was still a bit of a struggle to not be depressed. I don?t know if the mood I?m in and kind of just unmotivated to accomplish anything is due to not PMOing. I guess if it is maybe that?s a good thing in that I know something is happening.

One thing I thought of that I didn?t mention before is that I don?t have any morning wood of any kind anymore, which I?m guessing is a result of addiction. I know from past attempts at rebooting that it comes and goes eventually as I get to week 3 or so, but then at that point I rarely make it further then that and so I reset. At least that?s my take. I read a lot more on YBOP today, about withdrawal symptoms and such, and other guys experiences. I?m honestly scared, I don?t want to deal with those hardships, and yet I don?t want to go deeper into ruining myself and my sexuality. I guess part of what I?m scared of it because it always seems to happen that at first I am super motivated to resist PMO and then once cravings and temptations start up I can?t think straight and no matter how hard I try I can?t get it into my head of why I should not PMO. And then as soon as I give in after the fact I remember and am super ashamed and mad and angry at myself and can?t understand why I couldn?t think that clearly before hand and just say No!.

I?ve found some things guys have been doing like cold water treatments, and breathing techniques that I will definitely be using when I feel the cravings and urges. I just really want to keep up the determination in my head and understanding of how bad giving in is for me, and keep that so plain and simple and clear in my head that even when I start to feel an urge I can recall the reasons and the importance of not giving in. Again, thanks for all who read. I appreciate you taking the time to read and respond.

Made it through day 8. I fully expect this second week to start to get harder then last week rapidly.
 

Redalc

Active Member
Today was a good day. Although last night after I wrote it got really hard. I couldn?t sleep. Ended up being up like 3 extra hours. Oh well. I got up and did as many push-ups as I could and then breathed deep over and over again till my heart calmed down, then I did that with squats too. After that I fell asleep pretty fast. Thankfully today work kept me busy, I came home and read some on YBOP and started a spreadsheet as opposed to just keeping a streak. Read a really good post from someone on there about how making a life change determination and choosing and identifying what you want to pursue and can fight for us better for overcoming Porn addiction. Hard to explain, but lots of good info about abstaining vs actually rebooting and not being addicted anymore. I?m done PMO. I don?t want to O again until I am having sex with my wife. I want that to be saved for a experience with her, and I want to focus on the act of sex being so much in love rather then lust. Today I had thoughts and yesterday too, of images that would pop into my head. Just trying to red X them out and put them aside before dwelling on them. Anyhow. I need help still, i know it?s easier now but will get harder. Trying to stay focused on learning about it and building an understanding as to why I need to resist and overcome. I don?t want my whole life ruined by PMO addiction. Thanks to all who are willing to read and respond.

Day 9 is done. Time to sleep now.
 

Redalc

Active Member
So today at work I really didn?t have much issue. Tonight when I got home. I read a whole bunch on the YBOP FAQs. A lot about other guys experiences. Really made me even more sure of my addiction and how much I want to stop it. And yet, it?s still frustrating because even in while I was reading those my brain is getting back to the point where I can?t think clearly and make logical decisions about it being right or wrong to PMO. I definitely have hyperfrontality. I?m going to bed now, had some issues that I noticed. Trying to be aware of them and catch myself before I look. Watching a YouTube video and an ad comes up for a stupid game yet the woman is scantly dressed. My eyes went right to her breasts.. I noticed it. But not till it was too late and I then realized what had happened and I?d dwelt on it. Same thing happened with an image of a character of a game. I should have kept my guard up more and expected those things. But they did trigger a slight desire inside me to keep looking. I realize the danger. I?ll be being way more careful now. Anyhow. Thanks for reading. Please help keep me accountable.

End of day 10.
 

Redalc

Active Member
I forgot to post last night and didn?t remember till after I had put my phone away for the night. Something I?ve just started doing since my reboot has started. Anyhow. Day 11 was fine. Stayed busy at work and then had church in the evening and got home and went to bed. I know I am getting closer and closer to when the struggles and urges start to arrive when I abstain for a while. I?m a little scared of them, and if I can keep my head in the right space to overcome them. It really doesn?t help anything that I am depressed cause of a relationship lasting 1 1/2 years almost has come to an end for me. And it?s so frustrating because it?s over something that neither of us are willing to compromise on and that?s what?s holding us back from just being able to get married. Now I?ve offended her and her family, not my intention at all. But it?s done. And it?s just a huge weight on my now dealing with the loss of that. Thanks for the help. I?ll report back tonight about how today goes. Going to work now.

Day 11 finished
 

Redalc

Active Member
Today was good as far as Nofap goes. I didn?t really have any urges to speak of. I?m gonna go to sleep now. Stayed busy today and tonight still dealing with the hurt of breakup, and I know that will begin to cause stress induced cravings. Trying to be prepared for them. PMO is not an option. Thanks for reading.

Day 12 all done.
 

Redalc

Active Member
Today was a busy day. Work and then got home and played games and sang with family. Didn?t really struggle with PMO urges today. Thankful for that. I know it will come and I?m doing my best to prevent triggers and to avoid known triggers. This next week will be really busy. I hope enough to take my mind off everything and provide zero opportunity at all to think about PMO or be tempted with it. Been reading YBOP and this forum a bit, it helps to keep me aware and have the right mindset each day. Thanks for being there. Appreciate all support.

Day 13 in the books.
 

Redalc

Active Member
I missed responding to this and updating it last night, I went to bed late, and had a super busy day yesterday. Was exhausted completely by the evening. Today was also really busy, long day at church but encouraging. Tonight has been okay PMO urge wise. I haven?t had to struggle with them today. Although, I seem to go back and forth almost hourly between a flatline type feeling and a just fine encouraging and uplifting feeling of control. A lot of it is the struggle of loosing my best friend, I had dated her for a year plus, and we were very serious. And it is now non existent and just is really hard. I realize this is a support forum for PMO addiction but man, this struggle with loss really adds to the temptations. Anyhow. I?m encouraged by the two weeks gone by. But as I?ve read so much on this forum I see and even in my own experiences, i know the hard part is still to come. I?m scared of next week, I?ll be off work for a week plus and I don?t know what exactly I?m gonna do with my time and also cause that week is usually the start of the hardest part of resisting. Anyhow. Happy to report where I am right now. Last night I did have a dream that was very close to sexual and almost caused me to ejaculate in my sleep I think. I woke up thinking I had, and probably just barely kept myself from doing so. I dunno. Thanks for any support you guys have.

Days 14 and 15 are done now. Keep on keeping on.
 

Redalc

Active Member
Today was a good day. I?m didn?t struggle today with urges. Super busy week and today especially  with work and then a series of services at church all week every night to keep me busy and encouraged. Been reading YBOP and this forum. Seeing other guys struggles and their overcoming of them is encouraging. I pray and hope I can do the same. Still nervous in anticipation of next week when I?m off work and home. Trying to get planned out what I?ll spend my time doing. Anyhow. Bed time now. Thanks everyone.

Night. Day 16 is done.
 

Redalc

Active Member
Well. Today was okay. Didn?t struggle much with urges to PMO. Just trying to get my life on track and to do what I need to do. Trying to keep busy. Getting over the last year of my whole life being focused on a relationship, and refocusing on life. As well as rebooting. Didn?t really read much on the forums or YBOP today. Probably will some tomorrow. Although tomorrow will be busy too.
Thanks for keeping up with me.

Day 17 done.
 

worth_it

Member
Hey Redalc! 17 days is something to be proud of, keep it up. Keep working on yourself, there's so much joy to be found in just being a human.
 

Redalc

Active Member
Made it through another day. No super urges to speak of today. Although some thoughts of fantasizing with a girl did enter my head. Tried to beat them down as fast as I could. They did go away, hopefully soon enough to not cause any sort of issue. Read and watched some more stuff from Noah Church today. Always helpful and encouraging to hear success stories and just to be reminded of what?s going on in my brain. Hoping tomorrow goes well and I can keep this up and going strong. I?ve thought a lot about making a goal of 90 days. But really. The goal of not PMOing should be not ever. I don?t want to O until I do it with my wife. Just make it that much better and so much more worth the wait. And train my brain to only want her. Thanks all.

Thanks worth_it for the shout out. I appreciate you and your story!
Day 18. All done
 

Redalc

Active Member
Today I was busy with work, family, company, church, and played some games with friends tonight. I didn?t really have any urges to PMO today thankfully. I know they are coming, I?m almost to day 20 but I just know it?s gonna start getting really hard this next week. I?m gonna be off work, and not super busy. So I just need to keep my mind in the right place and push the thoughts back that cause those urges. And I?m keeping the emergency relapse prevention Articles up and easy to access so I can go to them quickly if needed. Thanks for reading. Appreciate it.

Day 19 is done.
 
Congratulations on all those steady days, stay firm, you will make it. And in relation to the next few days, do not be discouraged, "we think so much about the size of the problem, that sometimes we forget the greatness of God". In Joshua 1-9 it says: Didn't I command you? Be strong and brave! Do not panic or be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.
 

Redalc

Active Member
First off, thanks victor2211 for the words of encouragement and truth. I really appreciate those who are here and help encourage and keep track of me. Today was another good day. No big deal. Expecting tomorrow and the next week to be really hard though. I?m off work, don?t have a ton to do, gonna try and stay busy studying, and dealing with some projects I?ve been needing to finish up. I want to stay clean forever. Porn and Masturbation are no longer options. When I?m bored I?m gonna find something else to do. Anything else to do but those. They are just tearing my future apart, and I don?t want to let them do it anymore. Thanks again guys.

Day 20 completed.
 

Redalc

Active Member
Well. This is 3 weeks in. I?ve made it this far before, it?s about this time where the struggle really sets in and urges usually are extremely strong. One thing I?ve noticed. Is a stress factor right now and causing depression which in the past has influenced me and pushed me to fall back into PMO. Dealing with the loss of a relationship. I?m trying to get over it. But it?s not going well honestly. Appreciate your prayers, words of encouragement, and just willingness to read and follow up with me. Thanks so much everyone. Gotta keep on keeping on. Day 21 is done. Didn?t really have any urges to PMO today, although my eyes are starting to try and wander more and more to things that could potentially set me off when I see women or pictures. I?m aware of it, trying to be on guard the whole time, but it?s a struggle. Church tomorrow, so I?m hoping that will be a good day. Goodnight

Day 21 completed.
 

worth_it

Member
Keep it up Redalc. Seems like day 21 is sort of your threshold right now. This is where the growth really starts happening. This unfortunately is also where the withdrawals start happening. Take them as a reminder that your body is starting to get free from the dopamine it's used to. It will fight hard to get its normal dosage, and you gotta keep praying and pushing through all these pain moments. Bring them to God, I'll be praying for your mind and heart as you continue to heal from the ending of your relationship. You got this, God's got you.
 

Redalc

Active Member
Greatly appreciate your words worth_it. Today was not bad. I kept busy enough. Although a lot of what takes up my time is I play video games. Part of me is like well it keeps my brain busy so I don?t have to face the urges. I don?t know if that?s a bad thing to do or not. I?ve got a bunch of plans this week for stuff I need to accomplish and people to talk to, so hopfully I can get those done, and not procrastinate. That?s usually what has led me into failing to abstain in the past. Trying to get my life in order, and use it to do the best I can in everything. Learn and study all the things I want to know. It?s hard though to be patient and wait as you learn. Sometimes it?d just be nice to know it all right away. Anyhow. All in all it was a good day. This week is definitely gonna be harder. Thanks everyone for the support.

Day 22 all done.
 

Redalc

Active Member
Had a good day today. Fasted starting last night at 9pm to today at 9 pm. Although had a pretty lazy day. Slept in for a while, studied, spoke on the phone with my ex. Not really sure that helped anything at all we both wanted to but still have no fix for our problems so it jus drags that on. As far as PMO urges I really didn?t have any, although I was aware of a potential trigger today. I was laying on my stomach on my bed today, dunno if it?s just increased sensitivity with my crotch up against solid object or what, but I could tell that could be a trigger potentially. Has to do with the habits I had when MO or PMOing in the past. Trying to be aware of it and not put myself in that position without being extremely aware and focused on being able to quit it if something starts up. Spent quite a bit of time reading stories on RN forum and watched one of Gabes YouTube FAQ videos. That?s helpful. Also read about some stories from partners of addicts. That really knocks me around and helps me see the severity of what I?m doing not only to myself but how it will affect a wife in the future. I don?t want to be that way and hurt someone like that ever. Anyway. Hopefully tomorrow will be good too. Gotta try and call several companies about potential job opportunities tomorrow. Trying to stop procrastinating on that. Appreciate the help everyone and encouragement. Thanks

Day 23 finished.
 
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