Didn?t Journal yesterday. Both then and today have been fine PMO wise. I have no energy. All I do is sleep eat work eat sleep and the cycle repeats itself. Been studying when I can for as long as I can focus. Which isn?t really very long. Tomorrow is day 40. Praise the Lord for that. I remember looking at other guys and seeing they made it that far and I didn?t believe I could ever do it. Thankful for the encouragement from you guys. And just the way God has protected. I want to stay clean.
40 seems like a big number. But I really don?t want to think about numbers. I just want to keep going. I don?t want to give in. I just want one good thing to come out of these last couple months cause I?m struggling with positivity. Made it through today with no PMO issues. Just trying to get my head in the right place and get past the other struggles I?m having right now.
Today I told myself. ?You could PMO, but that would take away the only good thing you have going right now.? I didn?t. I?m just hurt and broken still. Sure I can numb the pain by occupying my mind and myself with other things. But it doesn?t feel like it fixes the problem. Still struggling with just giving up the love I had for this girl. It doesn?t seem right, or even masculine, it doesn?t seem like the way people should act, it seems rude, it seems like I care for no one but myself and my own selfish desires of how I want to feel so I choose to be in a relationship for the amount of time I feel like then I get rid of it. That mentality goes so against my grain that it feels so wrong to just say forget it, and get past the genuine love and sacrifice I had and had made and was willing to make by just deleting those memories and true feelings from myself and just treating her like another thing to learn from, another experience to grow from, it?s like treating her like and object, a tool, I makes it seem like I used her to get out of her what I wanted and when it was worn out instead of fixing it it just got dumped and thrown out and the only thing to do now is say, ?oh well, guess I need a new one?. How is that any better then getting off to a woman on a screen. It?s so disrespectful. How do I move past this. On top of that the feelings of extremely low self esteem and depression and unworthiness and so many more have just continued. Again, unless I mask the pain by just doing something to keep my mind active they are always there. But that seems like a temporary fix. Because it always just comes back. What thought process is there to help myself know that she wasn?t just a tool. Because moving on like it never happened seems so so wrong, and yet how do people keep going. Tomorrow is Easter Sunday, the day to celebrate the resurrection of our savior. It will be a good day, but I?m afraid it will just be another painkiller only to wear off Monday morning. At which point Monday work will be another painkiller until the evening, and over and over again forever. She told me for a year and a half she loved me and wanted to be with me and marry me, and then she up and says, my life goals and path doesn?t include a guy right now. How does that even make sense. Other then to say she didn?t ever love me. At which point then why didn?t she. Cause of me? Or her? Now I?m the one used as a tool. An experience. Such utter bullcrap and frustration. It?s not PMO struggles that are hindering me right now. It?s this and it?s killing me.
Another day. No issues with PMO, to busy with snow, church, family and other struggles. Feel like I?m just living one day at a time just waiting for night time so I can go to sleep and not have to face reality.
Today was fine. Just off and on struggling. Didn?t work today but working tomorrow and the rest of the week so that?ll be good to keep me busy. Just trying to get figured out what to do in life and get over the stupid breakup.
Day 45. Off and on struggling with depression. The day went good, work went good. On to the next day. Discovered that I need to be really careful reading journals. Even when they are aren?t super graphic, I have a history with stories of sexual things being triggers for me. Trying to be aware of that while also being involved in the forums as much as I can.
Went to work today, it was a good day. I tend to dwell on the negatives so much but when you really look at the percentage of negatives to positives in the day it really is good. I?m still struggling, more with self esteem and insecurities brought on by breakup. Can?t hardly sleep at night, what sleep I get is not super great. But trying to overcome. Didn?t have to deal with to much in the means of urges to PMO today. Stayed busy with work all day then had church tonight so now I?m off to bed, got a call early morning tomorrow about a possible gig. So I need to sleep and be awake for that. Anyhow. One day at a time. Also, today I just really thought about how much I am fascinated by people. How much I want to care about them, I struggle with being introverted and quick to judge, yet I really long for relationships with people and to know and enjoy their company. I?m really bad at building those relationships and am super loyal when I do build them. But man does it hurt so bad when relationships whether romantic or not break apart. I guess I?m real sensitive.
Well. No issues today. Managed to stay busy. I?m really just tired of the way I feel. I go to work, and the whole time I?m at work I?m like man I wish I was done, then I get home and I?m like, why do I want to be home, home just reminds me of the pain, and triggers thoughts of all the bad stuff in my life and things I?ve allowed myself to do and get into. Trying to be satisfied with where I am and what I?ve got to do, it?s hard though. I don?t sleep super great at night, most of the time dreaming about my past relationship, sometimes turning into sex fantasy that I don?t want to deal with cause it just causes more pain and then triggers me to think about PMO and stuff. Anyhow, the day went well all things considering. One day at a time. Trying to change my mindset. Hope everyone else is doing okay, thanks for being here on the forum guys, for reading and posting so I can read and be encouraged by your stories. Goodnight
Almost to 50 days. Little bit scared right now. I wish I knew I was just gonna make it and never fall again. But I see so many guys who make it for long streaks longer then this and then fall back. TodayI didn?t really have much for urges. Kept myself busy though not really productive.
Today was a good day. I really struggled this morning with just depression and anxiety about life stuff. But prayed and had a good day after that. Work went good. Weather is finally warming up and snow is melting off so that?s good. I don?t know what this summer is gonna hold but I?m thinking about moving. Working hard to keep killing those urges. Today I had a thought of a porn video I used to watch a lot come into my head. Had to blow it up if you will. Trying to stay on guard and stay committed to the concept of PMO is not an option. One day at a time.
Didn?t get to post last night. For some reason the forum would not load. Anyhow. Yesterday was good. Work kept me busy. The biggest struggle is coming home at night, it?s like I?m ready for work to be done and to go home, yet when I get home I?m just depressed and exhausted and can?t hardly do anything productive. So I feel like I?m just living and the days are just going past. I want to be used but I?m struggling with pushing past anxiety and low self esteem and being scared I?m gonna relapse. I should probably read up and watch videos on PMO induced issues and get my brain reaware of the dangers and problems it causes, might help me reinforce my zeal to overcome cause right now I feel like I?m just floating by, and I want to consciously fight it always.
Day 52 is done.
Full day of flashbacks. Oh well. Going to bed now. So frustrating how back and forth I go. Doesn?t seem like problems are ever fixed. They are just ignored long enough to gain relief. Day 53 done. No PMO.