My Reboot Journal

Redalc

Active Member
Day 72 and 73. Didn’t post last night. Fell asleep and didn’t feel like doing it I guess. Just working and trying to get life on track, doing what I know to do each day. Didn’t really struggle today with PMO urges, although sometimes images playback in my head of past experiences or things I’ve seen or done. Haven’t really acted on them. It’s weird how they can just all of a sudden pop into my head, seemingly without a trigger. Anyhow. One day at a time. Not super motivated to do anything lately.

Day 72 and 73 completed.
 

BridgeTri

Member
Keep up the good work CalderT! You're doing great. Life has ups and downs. P-free for sure more ups than downs.
Cheers!
 

Redalc

Active Member
So today went well. Aside from this morning before I woke up. I had some really graphic dreams. About things I haven’t struggled with for a while, yet seem to come back as an obvious desire that’s been conditioned within me. Really ashamed, I didn’t PMO, didn’t even have a wet dream but it was really close and I woke up ashamed and depressed from knowing my subconscious is still under the influence enough to want something that isn’t good. Anyhow. Really just struggling in general to move past things that have happened relationship wise in the last year and half. My whole life was defined by them and now that that is gone it’s really hard to figure out how to come back to reality because I second guess myself so much. And thoughts of what could have been done differently cross my mind all the time as I wish things could be different, yet I know they aren’t, and won’t be, because I tried. Yet I don’t even know what exactly was truly the problem. Anyhow. This struggle lends to my struggle to escape through just meaningless living, video games, PMO, sex scenes, tv shows, junk food. It’s a constant battle that I feel like if I could just get over this hump of what keeps bringing me back down into depression (all the constant memories) maybe my life would be better. I have a good job, good family, friends, church family, money saved, a career goal, a passion, yet somehow all of those things get overwhelmed by the constant struggle. Anyhow. It all plays together as I’m sure each of you knows and understands. I’m going to bed now, long day at work tomorrow.
Goodnight
Day 74 done.
 

Redalc

Active Member
Well, I was gonna post this on here this morning cause I was really struggling with it. But, last night I had a wet dream. The first one in a longtime, certainly the first one since I started this journey.. 75 days in and a wet dream? What’s that mean? I know it was as a result of dreaming about MOing and it was bad graphic, like I remember dreaming it happened, dealing with it, feeling ashamed and then somehow realizing it was a dream and continued sleeping, then I woke up at some point and realized I had actually had a wet dream as a result of the vivid MO dream. It feels bad, I don’t know what that means for me. It’s obvious it’s still in my subconscious as an option. How do I deal with that? I want to be PMO free, yet my brain is almost out of my control I feel like if my subconscious is still wanting what I don’t want. Anyhow.. what do you guys think? Is it a set back? I thought I was gonna be able to make it to 90 days but seems like the struggle is just starting for me. I dunno. I guess I’ve been struggling the whole time. Just trying to get my life on track, be content and satisfied with where I am, and pray for change. It’s easier said then done.
Goodnight

Day 75 done.
 

BridgeTri

Member
Hope today will be a better day for you. Don't think dreams are anything to fight or be ashamed of. Your mind and body is recovering from addiction and it's only your natural sexual desire talking. Only you don't want to watch P with the knowledge of all its downsides.

What did the deed for me was www.easypeasymethod.org really explaining the grounds of the addictive nature of high speed internet P and arguing that before you start using, you don't have the urge to use, so the urge stems from the use. If you could choose now, you would never start using because P only has downsides.

Stay strong!
 

Redalc

Active Member
Day 76. Today was fine. Tonight I just want to go to sleep. I look forward to weekends all week and then when they get here I just want them over cause the time off just causes time for my brain to think about struggles and dwell on them. Hopefully tomorrow will be busy. Goodnight

day 76 done
 

Redalc

Active Member
Day 77 and 78. I didn’t post last night, was to tired I guess. Or just didn’t really feel like getting back up to get my phone after getting in bed with it across the room. Yesterday was really hard, again, seems like more struggles with being broken-hearted rather then Porn induced struggles, but there is a definite connection even to that because when I struggle there is still a part of me that wants to go PMO just as a release and some sort of pleasurable experience. What a pain. Anyhow. Slept really good last night, had a really encouraging dream and woke up before it was over sadly. But spent the day in Church today and with family. Still struggled a bit but trying to move forward. It comes and goes. Staying motivated when I get home from work is really a struggle right now, all I want to do is come home and lay around and sleep. I have lots of things I want to do and study but can’t seem to get started on them. Will try and improve this week. Been keeping up with the forum and reading yalls posts, just haven’t really been replying. Sorry bout that. But I am here for you guys. Thanks for being here for me and for the encouragement. Goodnight

day 77 and 78 completed.
 

Dantes

Member
Inspiring stuff Redalc, keep going! I can relate to the feeling of needing to release with PMO when feeling down or depressed. For me it is also almost any challenge, for example when something I'm studying feels overwhelming or I feel otherwise stressed. Anyway, we must avoid relapsing during these times as much as possible because it wires our brains to turn to PMO when we struggle in life (the time when we have the least willpower to resist urges). Anyways, best of luck for beginning week!
 

Redalc

Active Member
Day 79 and 80. The last two days have been uneventful as far as PMO goes. Been busy working. Biggest struggle is sleeping at night. I have to be really careful what positions I sleep in. For whatever reason, I didn’t have much issue earlier on but now certain ways I sleep cause pressure in areas that trigger me for one reason or another as a result of past experiences. I don’t know why it seems to be getting harder the longer I go without PMO. I wish it’d stop. Going to sleep.

79 and 80 done.
 

Redalc

Active Member
Day 83 done. The last three days have been mostly uneventful. Struggling with loneliness, had a dream the other night that almost ended up being a wet dream but somehow I woke up and stopped myself. Been busy working through the days. Got lots to do tomorrow, hope I can stay focused and accomplish lots. Sorry I haven’t been more active. I do read most everyone’s updates I just don’t respond much right now. Thanks guys.
Day 81,82,83 completed.
 

Redalc

Active Member
It’s been 5 days since my last update. Weekend went by, and just been working the days away. Struggling with understanding why things happen the way they do. But realizing a lot of it’s my fault. I know that’s very broad. But it’s just basically the same stuff that I’ve been dealing with since I started this reboot. I’ve struggled a couple times during the night these last couple days. Almost in my sleep, although I’m partially awake and am tempted to MO or even PMO sometimes. It’s annoying. I’m so close to 90 days. But it sure just seems like it’s just now getting hard. I kind of feel like the last few months have just been easy because I’ve been so caught up in other life things and been able to stay busy. Anyhow. I just want to stay away from it, keep making progress and be reminded of how bad it is for me. I have a really strong feeling the next 90 days will be much harder the the first 90. Sorry I haven’t kept up with everyone on here, I do read and try to keep up with the new posts. But I don’t really respond much anymore. I don’t even post much myself, I guess I just feel unmotivated to do anything. Thanks guys. Keep on going.
Day 88 done.
 

Redalc

Active Member
89 and 90. Yesterday was day 90. I’m at the start of day 91 now. Hard to believe it’s actually been 3 months. I remember looking back when I started and feeling like 90 days was so long. I will say. I don’t believe I’ve overcome this addiction at all yet. I still struggle a lot, in fact as I said earlier I think it’s just getting to the hard part. Thank fully I’ve been super busy with work so that helps. But I still have dreams and desires I’m ashamed of and don’t want. It’s gotten so crazy I’m constantly looking around at girls I see wondering if they’ll notice me. It’s annoying and I feel like I’m seeing them as objects just like I was before starting the reboot. So like I said. I’ve made progress in the way of being clean for 90 days. But it still feels like I have a super long ways to go. One day at a time I suppose.

Days 89 and 90 complete.
 

Dantes

Member
Congratulations on 90 days! It's still a major accomplishment and you should really feel proud of it. I know this comes from someone who isn't as long on the journey as you, but I think you may be on to something when you said that the next 90 days will be only harder. It could be the case that it's due to the first boosts of motivation draining off. A thought in self-improvement world I've come across is that disciplinine should carry over where motivation is vanished, so I wish you the strength to develop the discipline to push on. Best of luck for the next 90 days.
 

Redalc

Active Member
Congratulations on 90 days! It's still a major accomplishment and you should really feel proud of it. I know this comes from someone who isn't as long on the journey as you, but I think you may be on to something when you said that the next 90 days will be only harder. It could be the case that it's due to the first boosts of motivation draining off. A thought in self-improvement world I've come across is that disciplinine should carry over where motivation is vanished, so I wish you the strength to develop the discipline to push on. Best of luck for the next 90 days.
Appreciate the encouragement Dantes. Been following you too, keep up the good work and stay busy, I hope things continue on working between you and your gf and you can keep having victory over your struggles.
 

Redalc

Active Member
Well, this is the end of day 92. Had lots of work yesterday, 14 hour day, and today was a good break, slept, had church, slept more then went to Church again, ready to go to bed now and get up tomorrow and work hard. Did have an urge today while I was taking a nap, almost turned into a wet dream If I’m recalling correctly. Those are just so frustrating to me. I really want to be rewired, I wish I had a relationship, for some many reasons if not just for that is a huge one. Just seems like my subconscious is still super addicted and I only skate by unscathed when I’m conscious because I stay busy. So trying to continue with that, wish I could make progress in what seems to be my inward desire. Not sure how to do that though. It’s a struggle we all have I suppose. Anyhow. Thanks guys. Good luck to you all. I’m gonna try and get back into posting every night on here.
Day 91 and 92 completed.
 

Redalc

Active Member
Day 93. So here I am. Made it through today, struggling more with memories then with PMO today. Had a good day at work, although really not sure how long I want to keep this job, it’s turning out to be different then I was expecting and was led to believe it would be like. Probably mostly my own fault. But it keeps me busy, One thing I’m finding myself dealing with a lot right now is the desire to move someplace else, away from what’s well known and my safe area. But then I start to think on it and my anxiety just spikes like crazy and I’m scared to be in a new place alone and by myself. A lot because I am afraid of falling back into PMO addiction but I feel like it’s more then that, I just can’t figure out what exactly. I can’t help but think it’s due to the fact that my whole life was planned on with my relationship that fell apart and I was going to move someplace new to be with her, and I was comfortable doing that, now, thinking about doing that without her being a part of it just causes so much pain and anxiety I don’t know how to get past it. What a pain. Anyhow. Trying to stay busy and focused on remembering that PMO is no longer and option even though I’m tempted with it lots just from things I see and when I am tired.
Goodnight

day 93 completed
 

Redalc

Active Member
Day 94. Nothing really to report today. Didn’t deal much with PMO struggles. Other struggles pop up all the time. PMO does randomly also. Just try to keep busy.
Goodnight

day 94 done
 

Redalc

Active Member
Day 95. Last night was terrible. It was just one vivid sex dream after another. I haven’t even been watching tv or anything triggering at all. It’s just like all appearing out of my inner desire I guess. It’s frustrating. I wake up disgusted, and I don’t want to think like that or treat women like objects like that. Yet, I find my mind wondering and fantasizing about previous experiences and Porn, and relationships all of a sudden. I wish it’d just be gone. Each day is a struggle, not just PMO related. I was thinking tonight about the fact that my boss at work keeps telling me to smile. And I realized I really just don’t smile or act happy super often, I mean It’s not like I’m constantly thinking about it and in a state of depression about everything. But I do struggle every single morning and especially the days when I don’t go to work till late. It just brings back so many painful memories of relationships past. I want to overcome and be happy and live a life that’s helpful to others and a blessing to others, but I’m so tired of just being constantly bombarded and burdened with hurt. I truly don’t know how to fix it.

day 96 completed.
 

Redalc

Active Member
So, this morning early was the third wet dream of the reboot. I think. Maybe fourth. But still. It’s so dumb. It was literally a dream about me MOing. And I just let it happen in my dream which ofc resulted in the expected repercussion. How long is it gonna take for my resolve to not give in consciously to transfer over to subconsciously. It’s frustrating. I didn’t struggle today really, was busy all day, the biggest times I struggle is at night when I’m falling asleep I start to fantasize and remember past experiences that I’m ashamed of. Sometimes those pop up randomly during all times of the day too. But trying to shut them down as fast as possible. I need to just focus on doing what I know to do each day with excellence and waiting until a time comes where I can be in a clean relationship that I can be open and honest and not PMO addicted in. Getting to that point is hard though. Anyhow. Hopfully no wet dream tonight. Goodnight everyone.

day 97 done.
 

Redalc

Active Member
Day 98 complete. Didn’t post last night, was in bed when I remembered and my phone is not near me. Yesterday was a decent day for PMO urges. Nothing in particular, thankful for a job that keeps me busy and my head off of things. Decreases the down time and struggle time to couple hours in the morning and evening. I want to be free of this addiction completely, but I can’t help but feel I’m still just starting the recovery process, cause this seems like the last 90 days were just the quiet before the storm and it’s gonna start to get really hard. I dunno, just a sneaking suspicion i have. Gonna go now. Gotta go to work soon.
Day 98 complete
 
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