My Reboot Journal

Dantes

Member
I remember having similar wet dream recently where I basically PMOd, I can remember vividly myself even skipping the video in browser window in that dream.. Those sort of experiences really make you realize how deeply ingrained this addiction is. There isn't too much one can do on one's subconscious acutely, but I suppose subconscious will give in with sufficient time and the neural connections producing pornographic imagery will get weaker and weaker. Anyway, keep yourself busy but maybe also dare to be alone with your mind and see if you can let go of PMO-related thoughts when they arise. Or most importantly, keep doing whatever works for you!
 

Redalc

Active Member
Day 99. So today was an uneventful day as far as PMO urges go. I’m thankful for that really. But I’m guessing it’s just because my head is so full of dealing with anxiety and not being able to let go of the past. I guess if I ever get over that then the urge to PMO may either be gone also or return to the front of my head. Either way. I’m almost at 100 days. Praise God for that. Tomorrow I’ll be at church most of the day. That’ll be good. Next week is super long work days and working all weekend so that’ll be good to keep me busy.
Day 99 done.
 

Redalc

Active Member
Well, it’s day 100. Made it through it. Back to work tomorrow, just trying to get my head away from constant struggles of desires for things I want but can’t have. Encouraged by this forum today. Goodnight all.

day 100 complete
 

Dantes

Member
Congratulations! You are an inspiration for all of us, summoning strength to do one of the hardest things I know while going through tough times otherwise as well. What a building block for creating a great character.
 

Redalc

Active Member
Day 101. No struggles today and thankful I didn’t have dreams last night that were about sex or masturbation. I hate those, it makes me wake up either super ashamed, or just super depressed because I don’t have the relationship I wish I had. So much of my motivation for staying clean is so that when I find someone to be with I can be completely honest with her about my struggle but have a positive position about it by being able to tell her the progress I’ve made. I will keep on going, PMO is not an option ever. I want it to fade away and I want to learn to hate it more and more and more. I have enough struggles in my life right now I want them gone. This is a good place to start.
Goodnight guys. Day 101 complete.
 

Redalc

Active Member
Day 102. Ugh. Wet Dream again last night. So frustrating cause I barely even registered that it was happening in my dream. Thinking back now I remember what was going on, but it’s just dumb that I don’t have clarity of mind to stop it within my dreams. Stayed busy today, although I’d be lying if I said didn’t ever have any urges today. I think truthfully I have them everyday, just some stand out more then others. I try not to dwell on them then or even now as I’m writing. It just causes more to come to my mind. Taking it one day at a time, studying, working, praying, sleeping is pretty much my cycle of activities lately. Trying to keep busy, trying to not struggle with PMO or past relationship stuff. It’s all hard. Anyhow. Gonna go to bed now. Hope I don’t have wet dream tonight. Goodnight all.

day 102 completed.
 

Redalc

Active Member
Day 103 went fine. Stayed busy working today, I’m really struggling doing things that are enjoyable. Things like listening to music, going to the theater, thinking about traveling, all of them, playing games. Just stuff like that, honestly because I’m afraid of the thoughts and memories that could come up as a result, and then that leads to depression and hurting. I literally sleep, wake up, study, work all day, come home and study and eat then go to bed and do it all over again, while I’m at work I think oh I can’t wait to be done with work so I can have free time, but then when free time rolls around I just lack motivation to do anything, and it’s because I’m literally scared to do anything. I know this doesn’t have anything to do with PMO addictions. But this is really the huge struggle right now. I really don’t know how to move forward, even thinking about moving someplace else to restart a new job, Friends, lifestyle... it’s all just extremely anxiety building and overwhelming to think about. Makes me want to crawl into a dark hole and just sleep away the struggles.
goodnight

day 103 done
 

Redalc

Active Member
Day 104. Busy work day. Minimal urges. Hoping for good sleep with no wet dreams. Tryin to change my desires so that even my subconscious doesn’t want to do horrible things. Goodnight all.

day 104 done
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Congrats man in how far you've stayed the course. I hope you keep at it and keep basking in your hard fought freedom!
 

Redalc

Active Member
Day 105 - forgot to post last night. Nothing to report. Work went well, working today also.
Day 105 completed half of 106 done
 

Redalc

Active Member
Had a good day today. Long work day I just got home. But I learned a ton, met a ton of people, worked hard, and had a ton of new experiences. Wish everyday was like this. No PMO struggles really today. Was too busy. Hopefully none tomorrow. Goodnight
Day 106 done
 

Redalc

Active Member
Simple day today. Had church, came home ate food and fell asleep, woke up went to church again. Back home now fixing on going to sleep. Not working tomorrow so hopfully that will go okay. I plan to fast until tomorrow night. Little concerned about not working tomorrow cause struggles always come up when my mind isn’t preoccupied with something else. So hopefully I can stay fairly busy tomorrow too. Still feel like I’m walking on the edge of a knife where I could fall off either side super easy. I just managed to maintain my balance for this long but the knife doesn’t seem to be getting any thicker. Going to sleep now. Goodnight guys.
Day 107 done.
 

Redalc

Active Member
Had to deal with another wet dream last night. I remember the dream, it was just about me MOing to literally nothing. But I remember myself distinctly making the decision to MO. Then of course I wake up and it’s just sad. Depressing and I just want it to stop. Gotta find a way to be more on guard when I’m asleep. Anyhow. The rest of today went fine as far as PMO goes. Made it through the home alone urges, still struggling with loss of relationship. I guess that will probably never go away. Goodnight guys

day 108 complete
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Hey Redlac, take it easy with the loss of relationship. Maybe go out and meet new people, be around friends. It will surely go away someday when you meet someone new and fall in love.
 

Redalc

Active Member
Thanks Chris. Trying to. Trying to make changes. Appreciate it. Today was a decent day. I am really bad at seeing good in things. Pretty pessimistic at heart. Anyhow. Work went good. Gonna go to bed now. Hoping for now wet dreams tonight. Just don’t want that to deal with. Goodnight guys.
Day 109 done
 

Redalc

Active Member
Today was fine PMOwise. The mornings and evenings still suck. Only reason the middle of the day doesn’t is cause I’m to preoccupied trying to work to be depressed. I dunno if I’m just wallowing in self pity, and I just need to get over it or what. But I don’t want to give up hope. And I don’t think I should. Yet having that hope and seeing nothing come of it just keeps knocking me down and making me feel so bad because nothing seems to be changing in my life no matter how much I try. I really still am not convinced that it’s not just this massive struggle that’s kept me from PMOing for the last 110 days. One day more. Again and again. Guess I don’t have anything encouraging or positive to say today. Goodnight

made it through day 110
 

Dantes

Member
Don't get too frustrated if you aren't seeing the changes you want. Often times we overestimate the change we can do short term and underestimate what may happen long term if we just keep doing the right things. So keep at it. Do things that add value in your life long term and the change will come eventually.
 

Redalc

Active Member
I’ll try. Thanks for the note Dantes. Today was busy, one thing good was last night I specifically remember having a dream where I was doing some things MO wise that I am really ashamed of, and within my dream I remember being ashamed of them and wanting to stop them. Glad that I actually had a state of mind sound enough to realize mistakes while I was sleeping. I hope to get better at that. While also staying clean consciously.
Made it through day 111
 

Redalc

Active Member
Day 112 done. Worked today. Relaxed tonight. Gotta work tomorrow. Don’t really recall much by way of temptations or urges today. Hopefully tonight will be good. Goodnight

day 112 done
 

Redalc

Active Member
Long day today. Struggling right now with memories. I haven’t figured out how to get my life on track yet, held back by struggles. Today I didn’t PMO, although for the first time in a while I was tempted really strongly. Something all of a sudden brought back remembrance of feelings and sensations that go along with all that. Which were then followed quickly by the thoughts and memories of all the times that triggered that PMO urge and that was given into. I managed to put the urge away and stay focused on what I was listening too, and able to change directions enough with what I was doing today to knock me off the track of those temptations. I’m tired of the struggle though. The struggle with PMO and the struggle with my past. All the mistakes made, and opportunities I haven’t had to ask forgiveness. People’s lives I’ve made an impact on by hurting them immensely because of my own lusts and as a result of this addiction. I just want another chance. But I don’t know if I’ll get it. Goodnight everyone.
Day 113 done
 
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