My Reboot Journal

Redalc

Active Member
Forgot to post last night. Day 115 and 116 were okay. I’ve noticed I struggle most with urges currently while I’m asleep, like when I wake up in the night or even am not quite all the way asleep, it starts making me try to think about justifying how it will be fine to give in now. No big deal just do it once. Then when I’m awake and thinking clearly at work or something i think back and so clearly don’t want to give in because I want to not struggle with this. Something I’ve been thinking about for a while, not sure I’ve ever said it on here, but it’s just the simple fact that I don’t want to give into this addiction because next time I have a relationship I want to be able to share with her that this is something i struggled with for 10+ years and that I’ve had victory ever since day one of this journey. Rather then having to be honest with her and tell her that I’m still falling constantly. Anyhow. Onto the next day. Goodnight

day 115 and 116 done
 

Dantes

Active Member
Inspiring stuff. In the moment when the urges hit, the brain seems to be incapable of thinking about the future. One of the most important things we are doing by rebooting is giving a great gift to our future selves by making ourselves more responsible, more disciplined and probably even happier. And the gift we give will then indrectly influence other people too, as in your example. Let's try to keep our futures in mind when the urges are strongest.
 

Redalc

Active Member
Seems like everytime I have a good day then the night is not so good. In this case another wet dream after dreaming the relationship I used to have wasnt gone. Only to wake up to the fact that it really is gone and dealt with stupid wet dream. It’s a roller coaster of emotions and struggles seems like everyday. Partway through 117
 

Redalc

Active Member
Finished 117 not really much issues. Last night was a pain. My mind goes so many directions now when I sleep. So many thoughts and dreams that bring nothing but shame because of what is dreamed about, and frustration that I can’t move on from struggles. Anyhow. It’s now day 118 hopefully it will go well.

day 117 done
 

Redalc

Active Member
Forgot to post last night. Super tired after long day. Didn’t struggle during the day, but at night when I got in bed I was really fighting the urges. I think I may have just fallen asleep and that’s what saved me. Scary times. Day 118 done
119 in progress
 
Hey, to anyone who would be willing to read this and reach out I appreciate it so much.
Here?s my story, thus far.

I have been looking at Porn and MOing since I was 12. I?m currently 22 will be 23 in about 1 1/2 months. I believe PMO is all wrong. I?ve never had sex. I don?t plan to until I get married. I just recently found this forum. And I haven?t read everything yet, I?m learning lots all the time just trying to absorb as much as I can. I am addicted to PMO, I?ve gone back and forth for the last 10 years on and off trying to stop it, with never no more success then about 3 weeks on average. Most of the time I make it about 2 weeks before the cravings are so strong I finally give in because I?m sick of fighting them. Sometimes it?s with just MO which then usually leads into a week or so of PMOing until I flatline i think, at which point i am super depressed and anxious and unmotivated and stressed out. And I start to search and determine not to do this anymore. And yet, I stay strong for about 2 weeks sometimes more depending on what I am preoccupied with. I?ve realized that I am causing PIED and I don?t want that. I don?t want the shame and hurt that will cause me and my future wife. But I keep falling back into the addiction. My desires I notice changing in what I look for in P, I see a failure to become aroused by Porn I used to be aroused by and progressively keep diving deeper into more and more hardcore videos. I?ve been working hard to identify factors that cause temptation. I?m not watching anything TV or Movie wise right now that has any sexual content, let alone really any relationships, mostly anything I watch is documentaries which I think are good. I?ve deleted FB, Instagram, and Netflix and Amazon prime off my phone so if I do watch stuff it?s only out in the living room in a more open to the whole family area. I?m trying to determine ahead of time triggers that will come as I know they will.

I?m currently on day 7 of the latest reboot. I?m reading this forum, and YBOP, and trying to stay busy and learning, but I live in AK and it?s super cold and snowy and the roads are bad and so it makes it hard to stay active when I?m off work. Which is generally when I fall, in the evenings. Anyhow. There?s a lot that I?m going through. As i know there is with everyone else on here. I suspect the more I write the more it will come out and all the things I want to say I?ll remember. I appreciate any accountability you all could give me.

I?m on day 7.
Today was mostly easy. Again i don?t usually have struggles until the second week and beyond. And I was able to stay busy dealing with snow and other work I needed to get done so I was occupied. I?m gonna go to bed now. Thanks for reading.
Hey, Redalc!
Our stories are very similar. We're the same age, we started watching porn at the same age and are almost at the same day of reboot(122nd day here). I have PIED too. Let's see how things pan out. Good luck
 

Redalc

Active Member
Well. Day 119 done. I’m tired. Hope I don’t have to deal with PMO urges, temptations, desires, or struggles with missing my past relationship tonight. I just want to sleep. Gotta work from 9am-2am tomorrow. Gonna be a long day. Goodnight all.
 

Redalc

Active Member
Long day yesterday, easier day today. Church, food, sleep, church food sleep, back to work tomorrow. Day before was as I said a long day. Worked from 9am till 2am. Super tired. But definitely helpful for no urges. Today is day 121 finished. Praise God for 4 months PMO free. This last month has been harder then the three before it for sure. Praying for continued help as I keep pushing forward and trying not to fall. Still struggling with other life things. But for now I’m going to sleep.
Day 120/121 done
 

Redalc

Active Member
Day 122/123
Forgot to post last night. The days been fine. Struggle with thoughts of my past relationship and fantasizing about them. Which I’m really ashamed of. Wish i could overcome them, they make me ashamed that I think that way about someone I care about, objectifying her, treating her like an object, and they hurt me because it brings back memories of someone I love that I wish I could still love. I also had a wet dream last night. I remember fighting it in my dream and then giving in in my dream and waking up immediately after knowing what I’d just done. Guess it’s good I was so aware, maybe that means I can starting fighting back better? I dunno. Anyhow. Going to sleep now. Goodnight

day 122/123 done
 

Redalc

Active Member
So day 124/125 done. Today and yesterday were both really hard. Not even PMO wise. Just life. A friend of mine came to visit. But he came to visit at the same time of year my gf that I had last year that things fell apart with was here and we are visiting all the places I went with her, and it’s really hard. It’s bringing back lots of memories. On top of that, I’m having a really hard time at work, almost had an anxiety attack today, it’s so bad. For whatever reason I am struggling to be satisfied at work, I feel like I should be doing something else because I’m not getting paid as much here as I could be at the job I could have if I left. But this job has every once in a while work that has to do with the kind of career I want. But it’s not consistent, so i end up doing a bunch of menial labor getting paid almost half of what I was getting paid to do menial labor at MY other Job only difference is with this job every so often opportunities come up that are within the career field I want to work in. I just am struggling a lot with not wanting to do the work. As well as wishing things were different emotionally for me. I dunno. It’s hard. And confusing.
Goodnoght.
day 124/125 done
 

Redalc

Active Member
126,127,128,129. Well. I guess it’s good to say I’ve not given in to PMO urges. But oh man this weekend has been so crazy for my life. Came so close to anxiety attacks almost everyday. So many memories of things gone by that hurt because I don’t have access to them. And it’s just caused severe depression. Work went okay today, but it’s just dragging on. I’m having dreams about my past relationship, and because I miss her so much, they turn out like nightmares because I see her with other people and it breaks me. Depresses me in the morning, and just causes so much negativity and anxiety everyday. I’m praising the Lord for his help to stay clean from PMO because struggling with that too on top of this would be so bad, and thankfully it’s not been too hard lately. I just want to keep pushing through it and stay clean. My goal right now is 6 months. I’m at just over 4 months. Trying to keep the rest of life going is hard. I hope all of you guys are doing okay, I’ve been reading journals often, my presence on social media has basically depleted to nothing, and checking this forum and for work is about all I use my phone for anymore. Everything else just causes pain. Just got the rest of the evening to finish up tonight for day 129.
Goodbye.
 

Flesh

Member
But he came to visit at the same time of year my gf that I had last year that things fell apart with was here and we are visiting all the places I went with her, and it’s really hard. It’s bringing back lots of memories. On top of that, I’m having a really hard time at work, almost had an anxiety attack today, it’s so bad.
sup, how about seeing a therapist. To process emotions of past things like ur relationship u seems still sad about, and unpack all that anxiety/stress which apparently almost led to a panic attack. I wouldn't let such amount of dormant emotions.
 

Redalc

Active Member
So day 130. Last night was a huge struggle. And tonight I gave in. I’m heart broken again. I didn’t look at porn. As far as I can tell and remember I didn’t even think about it while it happened. I didn’t touch myself it was just all the feelings and pressure built up and I layed down in the wrong position and allowed myself to put pressure in areas I shouldn’t have that caused me to orgasm. I don’t know what to do now. Im scared of the chaser effect. I didn’t want my streak to end. I knew I shouldn’t have been doing it while I was doing it. Im so ashamed. I don’t want to do it again. But I’m scared that now the pressure will come back to try and do it again. Im so overwhelmed by the fact that it took so long to get to 130 days and then I ruined it. It’s gonna take so long to get there again. I wanted to overcome this. Ugh. Im hurting now. Im sorry guys. I have to go to bed now. I hope I can stay strong enough in the coming weeks to just say no, and get back into the mindset of it not being an option. I knew what I was doing when I did it, but I got to the point of no return In allowing myself to say oh it’s okay. Ugh. I just want out of this mess. I had freedom for so long. I feel like it’s gone now. The good thing I had going is gone. Im so sorry.
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
My two cents: you didn't use porn. You didn't even use your hand. Yes, it's a mistake. But don't let it destroy everything. Please don't. You're still much, much better off than when you started. If you beat yourself up too hard right now you'll get an urge to bury your shame with porn.

I'm breaking my rule by offering unsolicited advice, but I hope you know that I'm coming from a good place. I just really don't want you to do the kinds of things that I would do when put in your situation. I've been where you're at dozens of times before, and I'd always let the sting of defeat take me to much shittier places. Don't be like me. Be stronger than me.
 

Flesh

Member
You ruined nothing bro, legit nothing. Yes as zander said it's a mistake but come on, you didn't even use any visual stimuli. How come some people would still be in their "streak" while having sex with their partner and see all the benefits of no PMO and because you had sex with ur bed it would put you back to the "beginner stage" ? It doesn't work that way, if u want to, just take note of your "day 0 mo" but god please stick to that "day 130 no PMO"

What is true for you and most people who "relapse" tho is that they are so ashamed of something so insignificant that they escalate into "ok it's ruined, let's just give in now" and the "give in" part is actually what ruins your progress.

It reminds me of the way of thinking in bodybuilding and gym in general. There is an idea that the "rep range" to get specific adaptations. For example, from "8 to 12 rep" it's hypertrophy but beyond 12 it's endurance and you build no muscle, you just get better at doing more reps (which is OF COURSE completely false and stupid). I just wanna expose that we, as humans, have often time a deeply narrowed vision when it comes to concept about how the body works, among other things, and we see them as black or white while there is in reality a ton of grey variables.

So, for sure you will prolly physically feel shittier than the pasts weeks because of the prolactine effect on ur body and the shame you have for almost no reason (I mean your reasons exists but it's like saying that "at 13reps I don't build muscle anymore").
 

Redalc

Active Member
Thanks guys. For the responses. I don’t want to give up. I don’t plan too. I just know when I started this I pretty much just gave it all up and it seemed relatively easy till day 90. Now I’m scared it’s gonna be hard all through this beginning stages again, slightly overwhelming I guess. I really don’t want to fall back into the one or two weeks clean then fall and so on cycle. I’m going to keep going. Today is the start of the first day of noPMO. Yes I’m at 130 days of No Porn. But that’s only part of the addiction I feel like I have. I don’t know if I’ll keep constantly tracking that separate from no MO counter.
 

Redalc

Active Member
I made it through day 1 of no MO. Unless I say otherwise I’m also Porn free. Just don’t have the heart to look at both numbers right now and remember where I could have been. I tried to be really cautious and careful yesterday an last night.
 

Dantes

Active Member
Hi Redalc, sorry to see you feeling so bummed about what happened. But as guys above stated, it was only a slip, if not less. Just don't let it become a slide. The numbers are there to help us stay focused and motivated especially in the beginning stages but they are not the end goal. The end goal is the things you do each day to abstain from porn and to build yourself a new life. Eyes forward.
 
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