Today I told myself. ?You could PMO, but that would take away the only good thing you have going right now.? I didn?t. I?m just hurt and broken still. Sure I can numb the pain by occupying my mind and myself with other things. But it doesn?t feel like it fixes the problem. Still struggling with just giving up the love I had for this girl. It doesn?t seem right, or even masculine, it doesn?t seem like the way people should act, it seems rude, it seems like I care for no one but myself and my own selfish desires of how I want to feel so I choose to be in a relationship for the amount of time I feel like then I get rid of it. That mentality goes so against my grain that it feels so wrong to just say forget it, and get past the genuine love and sacrifice I had and had made and was willing to make by just deleting those memories and true feelings from myself and just treating her like another thing to learn from, another experience to grow from, it?s like treating her like and object, a tool, I makes it seem like I used her to get out of her what I wanted and when it was worn out instead of fixing it it just got dumped and thrown out and the only thing to do now is say, ?oh well, guess I need a new one?. How is that any better then getting off to a woman on a screen. It?s so disrespectful. How do I move past this. On top of that the feelings of extremely low self esteem and depression and unworthiness and so many more have just continued. Again, unless I mask the pain by just doing something to keep my mind active they are always there. But that seems like a temporary fix. Because it always just comes back. What thought process is there to help myself know that she wasn?t just a tool. Because moving on like it never happened seems so so wrong, and yet how do people keep going. Tomorrow is Easter Sunday, the day to celebrate the resurrection of our savior. It will be a good day, but I?m afraid it will just be another painkiller only to wear off Monday morning. At which point Monday work will be another painkiller until the evening, and over and over again forever. She told me for a year and a half she loved me and wanted to be with me and marry me, and then she up and says, my life goals and path doesn?t include a guy right now. How does that even make sense. Other then to say she didn?t ever love me. At which point then why didn?t she. Cause of me? Or her? Now I?m the one used as a tool. An experience. Such utter bullcrap and frustration. It?s not PMO struggles that are hindering me right now. It?s this and it?s killing me.
Day 41,42 completed.