So today went well. Aside from this morning before I woke up. I had some really graphic dreams. About things I haven’t struggled with for a while, yet seem to come back as an obvious desire that’s been conditioned within me. Really ashamed, I didn’t PMO, didn’t even have a wet dream but it was really close and I woke up ashamed and depressed from knowing my subconscious is still under the influence enough to want something that isn’t good. Anyhow. Really just struggling in general to move past things that have happened relationship wise in the last year and half. My whole life was defined by them and now that that is gone it’s really hard to figure out how to come back to reality because I second guess myself so much. And thoughts of what could have been done differently cross my mind all the time as I wish things could be different, yet I know they aren’t, and won’t be, because I tried. Yet I don’t even know what exactly was truly the problem. Anyhow. This struggle lends to my struggle to escape through just meaningless living, video games, PMO, sex scenes, tv shows, junk food. It’s a constant battle that I feel like if I could just get over this hump of what keeps bringing me back down into depression (all the constant memories) maybe my life would be better. I have a good job, good family, friends, church family, money saved, a career goal, a passion, yet somehow all of those things get overwhelmed by the constant struggle. Anyhow. It all plays together as I’m sure each of you knows and understands. I’m going to bed now, long day at work tomorrow.
Goodnight
Day 74 done.