Nick 2.0

Nick Simons

Active Member
Day 6 and trying to simplify my world ... just trying to focus on the now, not the past, not the future, just pouring myself into each moment ... and ensuring I stay present and not overwhelmed by emotions or thoughts that otherwise could draw me into the dark side.  Creating a bit of separation to give my best ... without attachment.  I've head it described before as "... being in the world, but not of the world." 

Hey Guitar, stay strong man ... we are on a similar trajectory I think (about 7 days in) so lets walk this together.  When those thoughts or images sneak in, immediately say "never again!" - feel it, know it, live it.  It will feel amazing to get that little win... and that will leas to another, then another.  That's how we win the battle. 

 

Nick Simons

Active Member
Day 7 ... in a good place with minimal to no distractions / triggers being set off.  Haven't let some recent health issues get under my skin ... taking things more in stride with reduced attachment to outcomes and more faith in the process.  Staying true to the path on my journey as a non porn user.
 

guitar1968

Active Member
I'm in a good place now Nick and I hope you continue to be. I'm done with porn and reclaiming my life. I have never really experienced life without it completely and that's what I want and what I'm going to do.

Keep up the great work!
 

Nick Simons

Active Member
Day 8 ... and feeling some tailwinds kicking in to keep me rock solid. 

I appreciate your comments Guitar-man - I too have never really experienced life for any significant amount of time (i.e. more than 40 days) without porn... but I am getting glimpses of what it could be like and it is pretty damn cool.  I stay focused on that reality becoming my new norm and am trying to burn it into my brain so I can keep it front of mind as a "safe harbor" for when the stormy weather pops up. 

Let's keep moving forward as non-porn users.  Never again! 
 

Nick Simons

Active Member
Onto Day 9 ... and had a really good Saturday yesterday. 

I am finding that as I get into a non-PMO groove, little / subtle positive changes in my behavior are starting to sprout up.  Yesterday was a good example where I took the initiative to start several new tasks that required a bit of creativity and a mini venture into the unknown.  To be clear, these weren't anything life changing or massively difficult ... but they did require that I step out of my comfort zone just a tiny bit and try something new that stretched me and made me feel ... proud of myself. 

For me, I am probably the worlds most limited "chef" - but yesterday I researched and created a cookbook of healthy, awesome (and surprisingly simple) breakfast meals that I am "taste testing" with my daughter and the rest of the fam this morning.  I also got outside and put in several hours of gardening work to spruce up our back and front yard gardens (that I had been putting off for way too long).  The day seemed to be filled with these mini examples ... of me showing myself that I was in control and could effect change. 

Felt pretty great ... and I am letting those real life examples burn into my brain and add to my arsenal of the tangible benefits out there for me to enjoy as a non-porn user as I continue on my journey. 

Stay strong everyone.   

 

workinprogressUK

Well-Known Member
Congrats on that progress, Nick. I'm also trying to keep life full of "healthy" experiences and tasks. Small victories help me hold my head up a little higher.
 

Nick Simons

Active Member
Day 10 underway ... and feeling quite good, balanced, anticipating positive things ahead. 

Thanks for your encouragement WorkingProgressUK - I agree with your perspective ... small consistent wins are resetting a solid foundation not only for a renewed self-esteem ... but I am also finding it is bringing me hope for what lies ahead (and that's a pretty awesome feeling I haven't felt in a while!). 

My current mantra rattling around in my brain is, "I am 100% in control of my actions ... and therefore 2 steps ahead of the world ... feeling awesome ... never again porn!"

Stay strong.
 

Phineas 808

Well-Known Member
My current mantra rattling around in my brain is, "I am 100% in control of my actions ... and therefore 2 steps ahead of the world ... feeling awesome ... never again porn!"

That is an awesome mindset, Nick! You'll find in many who often struggle that they've lost power, having given it away to external factors, like their computers, iPhones, billboards, magazine racks at grocery stores, that seedy side of town they must drive through, with all it's red-light districts, porno-book stores, etc...

Taking back power is about recognizing what you just said, that we are ultimately in control. Whether we stand or fall, it was all because of us.

At first, the power of habit was the giving away of our will-power to certain behaviors- but now we're taking back that power of choice, building newer and better habits (because it's not all about will-power alone).

That's what separates a successful recovery from the ill-fated recoveryism, which is never ending. Abstaining, but never taking back power, is just a life long sentence of white-knuckling.
 

Nick Simons

Active Member
Day 11 ... and it's a good day.  Balanced mindset and overall I'm feeling ... clear. 

Thanks for your thoughts Phin .... you always have a way of sharing your perspective that is understandable, super helpful and always hits home for me ... you're kind of like the Reboot Yoda!  All kidding aside thanks again for you encouragement. 

Stay strong all. 
 

Nick Simons

Active Member
Day 12 straight ahead ... and continue to feel balanced, at peace, and like I am in complete control of my actions. 

It's a weird thing when you start to actually believe that you have the power - no matter what the circumstance - to always choose what action you will take.  You start to believe that you do not have to be a slave to porn ... that you can break the actions that have been on autopilot for so long.

I remember a few years ago when I was trying yet again to quit and I calculated just how many hours of my life I wasted every week due directly to porn activities or the collateral effect of recovering after a typical all night binge.  Conservatively I calculated I was throwing away 20% of my available time every single week.  Think about that ... it's staggering to think that, at best, I was living with only 80% of the time I had available to use ... all because I just couldn't take control (or thought I couldn't take control) and choose to act in a different way.

There is no reason these patterns of habit or the perception that we are numbed to break them can't be overcome.  I see this now and it is fueling my path forward.  I don't know what comes next, but I am feeling like this is part of my escape route ... out from my hazy past.  I will continue to let this sink in and keep you posted.
 

guitar1968

Active Member
When I think of the amount of time I wasted watching porn and jerking off it just floors me. That's one of the things that is fueling my desire to quit and to stay away. I can do more with my life, better things with my life.

I'm enjoying following your story Nick. What will Nick 3. 0 be like?

Nick Simons said:
Day 12 straight ahead ... and continue to feel balanced, at peace, and like I am in complete control of my actions. 

It's a weird thing when you start to actually believe that you have the power - no matter what the circumstance - to always choose what action you will take.  You start to believe that you do not have to be a slave to porn ... that you can break the actions that have been on autopilot for so long.

I remember a few years ago when I was trying yet again to quit and I calculated just how many hours of my life I wasted every week due directly to porn activities or the collateral effect of recovering after a typical all night binge.  Conservatively I calculated I was throwing away 20% of my available time every single week.  Think about that ... it's staggering to think that, at best, I was living with only 80% of the time I had available to use ... all because I just couldn't take control (or thought I couldn't take control) and choose to act in a different way.

There is no reason these patterns of habit or the perception that we are numbed to break them can't be overcome.  I see this now and it is fueling my path forward.  I don't know what comes next, but I am feeling like this is part of my escape route ... out from my hazy past.  I will continue to let this sink in and keep you posted.
 

Nick Simons

Active Member
Hey Guitar-man ... thanks for your encouragement.  I too am keen to see what Nick 3.0 looks like.

This is the first time I have posted twice in 1 day.  I'll be honest, I have had a few drinks ... and usually this is a massive trigger to send me back down the slippery slope.  But tonight, I just had an amazing evening with my wife (not full sex but a lot more intimate than many years).  And as I sit facing the choices I usually face, I feel great staring into the abyss and saying "fuck you"!  Tonight, I take a stand ... I am not falling for your temptations and false promises of escape ... I am not going to be your slave ... this night, I am choosing to act of my own free will to just decide it is time to go to bed.  My wife is sleeping, my 2 beautiful daughters are asleep as well .. what the hell am I doing thinking I need anything else.

'night all - stay strong ... looking forward to tomorrow...
 
You have a great outlook on things and keep strong brother. Sounds like you have a great family and now you are becoming the man you want to be for them. You can beat this once and for all!
 

Nick Simons

Active Member
Day 13 ... and I feel balanced and solid as the weekend approaches. 

Keeping things very simple today - just focusing on the now and maintaining my mindset of recognizing that I am 100% in control of how I choose to act.  It continues to give me a sense of calmness, stability and power to keep me on the path. 

Stay strong everyone!

 

guitar1968

Active Member
Well said Nick!

Nick Simons said:
Hey Guitar-man ... thanks for your encouragement.  I too am keen to see what Nick 3.0 looks like.

This is the first time I have posted twice in 1 day.  I'll be honest, I have had a few drinks ... and usually this is a massive trigger to send me back down the slippery slope.  But tonight, I just had an amazing evening with my wife (not full sex but a lot more intimate than many years).  And as I sit facing the choices I usually face, I feel great staring into the abyss and saying "fuck you"!  Tonight, I take a stand ... I am not falling for your temptations and false promises of escape ... I am not going to be your slave ... this night, I am choosing to act of my own free will to just decide it is time to go to bed.  My wife is sleeping, my 2 beautiful daughters are asleep as well .. what the hell am I doing thinking I need anything else.

'night all - stay strong ... looking forward to tomorrow...
 

Nick Simons

Active Member
Two weeks in at day 14 ... and still feeling stable, balanced, in control.

I am finding this two week period easier than my last reboot attempt (which ended up lasting just over 40 days).  Specifically, in terms of just a generally quieter mind and on the few occasions when a trigger comes along I am able to instantly and fully just shut it down and give it zero oxygen to survive.  This is giving me confidence and that sense of control I have been mentioning these past few days - which seems to spill over into various areas of my life.

Looking forward to staying the course.  Sending out thoughts of strength to all the brothers in this battle with me. 
 

Nick Simons

Active Member
All right ... Day 15 teed up and I continue to feel I am on very stable ground.

I feel a bit of a virtuous cycle being built in my brain ... stay continually in the mindset of realizing (and really marveling at the fact) that I really am 100% in control of my actions ... really stop to appreciate the amazing weighty-ness of what that really means if that statement is true ... feel the enormous sense of elation at being able to live in this mode whenever I choose ... and finally slam the door shut by re-affirming that I will "never again" go down the PMO pathway again. Rinse, repeat .... feel liberated and just focus on the 24 hours of this day.

Stay the course.
 

Nick Simons

Active Member
Day 16 and all is good. I am embracing this new state of calmness brought on by a knowing that I now accept that I have 100% control over my actions ... and I love the consistent and steady state of my emotions.

I remember how I used to experience my life - as a crazy roller-coaster ride (I equated it to the sugar rush you get when eating pure candy). When I was in my old porn-user lifestyle, it was like living in an ongoing cycle of massive highs (brought on by the "chase" that I felt I couldn't ignore or didn't want to ignore) followed by huge lows (as the guilt and shame pounded me after the fact and I picked up the pieces of yet another binge). And so it would endlessly repeat. Now however, that craziness has been replaced with this steady, easy, light state of mind - no more roller coaster ride ... more like sitting on a beach watching calm waves roll into the shore. Night and day difference ... and I think this is what is setting the foundation for everything else that now starts to unfold within my life.

Just some rambling thoughts for a Sunday .. take care all.
 

Phineas 808

Well-Known Member
Great analogies, Nick! It's like that, replacing a crazy roller coaster ride of shame and dopamine highs with a calm and placid mind.

Notice a subtle difference, too, in your metaphors: being a 'rider' (being taken for a ride), versus being an outside observor, riding the roller coaster of addiction versus calmly, nonjudgmentally observing the waves of life and emotions as they go on by.

That's a perfect description (to me) of how to face urges when they come, too. We can either fight them head on, like riding a roller coaster of ups and downs, whiteknuckling it, or we can get outside of ourselves, and nonjudgmentally breathe through the urges until, like the waves of an ocean, pass us on by.

Take care...
 
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