Nick 2.0

Nick Simons

Active Member
Hey Phin .... as always thanks for your encouragement - it means a lot! Also I appreciate the nuanced view of "rider" vs. "outside observer" ... again speaks to the whole framing of either being enslaved and hanging on for dear life or being liberated and free to fully control my responses. Love it!

I'm at day 17 today and feeling really good. I am also noticing a big difference between these past 17 days and my most recent attempt which went for 40+days after I joined a few months ago. So this time it just seems to be much easier in immediately shutting down triggers that present themselves throughout the course of the day. It seems a lot less "bumpy" now when I am faced with temptations as I confidently breathe through the moment and rebalance on solid ground. Rinse repeat, rinse repeat ....

I have also started to settle into this state of mind as my "natural" default way of thinking ... and maybe most importantly, probably for the first time I am actually starting to really believe that I can live this way and be free of this PMO lifestyle for good. I am using this new perspective not to let down my guard ... but to re-enforce my current path so that I keep putting separation between me and my past life as a porn-user ... and it is making me feel stronger and more confident.

Stay well everyone.
 

Nick Simons

Active Member
Day 18 ... and feeling good, solid, clear.

I know it sounds a bit repetitive but I am thrilled with the stability of just feeling stable for a bunch of consecutive days. Makes it feel like what normal should be like day after day. Now as soon as I wake up, my first thoughts after the cobwebs clear is "oh yeah ... I'm good, I'm in control of me now ... I feel really good about that ... let's have a good day".

Stay strong all.
 

guitar1968

Active Member
Day 18 ... and feeling good, solid, clear.

I know it sounds a bit repetitive but I am thrilled with the stability of just feeling stable for a bunch of consecutive days. Makes it feel like what normal should be like day after day. Now as soon as I wake up, my first thoughts after the cobwebs clear is "oh yeah ... I'm good, I'm in control of me now ... I feel really good about that ... let's have a good day".

Stay strong all.
Sounds like things are going well Nick. That's Great! I'm 21 days tomorrow and feeling good myself. Lot's of fears about never being able to heal, but feeling good about not using and also really feeling like I don't need to use porn any longer.

I enjoy following your story!
 

Nick Simons

Active Member
OK Day 19 underway. And good to hear we are on a similar trajectory Guitar - re the fear of never being able to heal, I initially felt a bit of that as well .... but I have already seen glimpses of what could be so all I can say is be patient - it absolutely can and will happen for you as well.

As for today, I am settling into a really great daily groove. Start my day with meditation, journaling, visualizing my porn free day, followed by 90 minute stretch / strengthen program, then good breakfast and into the work day. Lots of periodic "mini-breaks" within the day to take a quiet meditation moment and connect to my breathing ... healthy food / snack choices for the most part. Depending on the day, between 1-2 hours of targeted exercise. End of day wraps up with planning the next day, then scanning through the Reboot Forum / YBOP website and finally journaling to end the day. Routine is good - and with the right frame of mind, it is never boring as I learn to quiet my mind and see this foundational routine as a way to fully appreciate each moment.
 

guitar1968

Active Member
OK Day 19 underway. And good to hear we are on a similar trajectory Guitar - re the fear of never being able to heal, I initially felt a bit of that as well .... but I have already seen glimpses of what could be so all I can say is be patient - it absolutely can and will happen for you as well.

As for today, I am settling into a really great daily groove. Start my day with meditation, journaling, visualizing my porn free day, followed by 90 minute stretch / strengthen program, then good breakfast and into the work day. Lots of periodic "mini-breaks" within the day to take a quiet meditation moment and connect to my breathing ... healthy food / snack choices for the most part. Depending on the day, between 1-2 hours of targeted exercise. End of day wraps up with planning the next day, then scanning through the Reboot Forum / YBOP website and finally journaling to end the day. Routine is good - and with the right frame of mind, it is never boring as I learn to quiet my mind and see this foundational routine as a way to fully appreciate each moment.
You really do have a nice routine going! I need to work more on meditation and taking time out to slow my mind down. I have to ask, what time of day do you get up to have all that go down before your work day begins? I guess I'm not a morning person. I was getting up early to excercise for a while but my family stays up later and that is kind of the time I have with them.
 

Nick Simons

Active Member
Day 20 ... and feeling at peace. I was a bit surprised that I experienced a few strong triggers last night. But I was able to short-circuit the patterns that would in my old lifestyle have led me down the slippery slope to an all night binge ... and instead I tried to separate myself from the moment, breathe through it and act to physically separate me from the situation (i.e. go to bed). Feeling good about where I ended up and how I am staying the course.

Hey Guitar thanks also for your thoughts. Re my morning routine, I am usually trying to get up between 5:30 - 6:00 ... but this can sometimes be a bit later. Luckily I usually have the flexibility to be able to tailor when I want to start at work so that allows me to always get in my 2-ish hour morning routine before doing anything else. I find the repetition is helpful for me and even though some days I may be sluggish to do the routine ... I always feel when I get into it that it is something I feel really good for having done (and always turns out to be a slightly different experience often providing some new learning or "aha" - despite what might appear to be a repetitious activity). If you are looking to learn more about meditation, there is a good App I use called Headspace - I find it very helpful and easy to follow. Hope that helps. Enjoy!
 

Phineas 808

Well-Known Member
Day 20 ... and feeling at peace. I was a bit surprised that I experienced a few strong triggers last night. But I was able to short-circuit the patterns that would in my old lifestyle have led me down the slippery slope to an all night binge ... and instead I tried to separate myself from the moment, breathe through it and act to physically separate me from the situation (i.e. go to bed). Feeling good about where I ended up and how I am staying the course.

Congrats on day 20, Nick!

Great job, too, on breathing through and separating yourself from what would have, in the past, been a series of events that would have led to a binge.

You touch on what this is all about, as far as changing our habits go, disrupting old patterns and establishing new and desirable ones.

Good for you!
 

Nick Simons

Active Member
Ahh day 23 ... and I am grateful for all the contributing factors that are coming together to help me walk my path as a non-porn user.

I am also realizing that this gratitude actually applies to all of my experiences - the good, the bad, and the ugly along my journey ... because it all plays a role in contributing to exactly where I am right now ... farther along my path to recovery then ever before. And I think gratitude for it all may be the last key element of what allows me to truly let go of my past and unlocks my freedom. I was reflecting on the progression of emotional states I feel I have evolved through as a person since I started my porn lifestyle so many years ago. I think it has evolved something like this. First as a porn user - an initial feeling of submission (to porn and that lifestyle) that led to a feeling of slavery that led to resignation that led to hopelessness. But then as I reflect on my recovery journey it has brought about the following progression of feelings - initially a feeling of enlightenment (as I fully understood my situation and the theoretical path to recovery), that led to a feeling of 100% commitment to heal, that led to a feeling of hope, that led to belief, then feeling anger (at myself for all that I felt I had wasted in my life and also at the spiritual powers that are behind the darkness), that then led to a feeling of acceptance, and finally gratitude for it all ... because it was all part of getting me here.

Kind of a ramble ... but it is helping me gain perspective. Stay strong guys.
 

Nick Simons

Active Member
Day 24 underway ... and things remain steady and solid. Looking forward to a week of consistently being fully present and just living in the moment ... simplicity.

Be strong.
 

guitar1968

Active Member
Day 24 underway ... and things remain steady and solid. Looking forward to a week of consistently being fully present and just living in the moment ... simplicity.

Be strong.
Sounds like things are going great for you Nick! Congratulations. Reading your journal and others on here is truly helping me to stay my course as well. Looking forward to a life not chained to porn.
 

Nick Simons

Active Member
On to Day 25 ... and thanks for the encouragement Guitar, I too am finding strength in reading your journal as well (and also found the EasyPeasy book to be pretty significant in my recovery - I think everyone is different in finding the thing that finally allows the penny to drop for them ... EasyPeasy seemed to be the one for me).

As for today, lots on the go ... but I am framing this not in terms of artificially building a sense of self-imposed pressure (which can be a trigger for me to work like a dog and then feel I am "owed" some escapist downtime) ... instead, I am letting go of any expectations to try and complete a massive to todo list and I am just keeping things incredibly simple. Just focus on 1 thing ... the thing right in front of me now ... with no stress or anxiety for the outcome ... just doing the best I can ... and trusting in God to let things unfold as He sees fit. This is helping me to keep the right perspective.

Take care all.
 

Nick Simons

Active Member
Day 26 .. and I am feeling like I have a spring in my step today. Eager to pour myself into the day and just live ... calm, balanced, at peace with the knowing that I am 100% in control of my actions and will never use porn again.

Y'all stay strong out there today.
 

guitar1968

Active Member
Day 26 .. and I am feeling like I have a spring in my step today. Eager to pour myself into the day and just live ... calm, balanced, at peace with the knowing that I am 100% in control of my actions and will never use porn again.

Y'all stay strong out there today.

Now that sounds great! I know you're doing your reboot in sections, but wherever you are in your journey it sounds like it's going great!
 

JerryTX

Member
Nice job and I am just ahead at day 30. There have been some urges and challenges but staying the course. Keep it up and STAY STRONG
 

Nick Simons

Active Member
Day 28 on the way ... and wanted to say thanks to Phin, Jerry and Guitar for your encouragement. I realize now how important it is to be surrounded by others who understand and support you on your recovery journey ... and understand why I had never been successful in the past without this element. So thanks again.

I am finding most days flying by with very little triggers being more than a quick blip which then gets completely dropped. Not to say there aren't a few thoughts that still linger a while longer ... but they seem to be few and far between. Also, I am finding that I am actually starting to forget some of the old "go to" memories and websites that I thought were burned into my brain forever. Of course, might also just be senility kicking in ... but hey I'll take it any way I can!

Have a great day all - stay strong.
 

guitar1968

Active Member
Nick, I'm glad I have others like you to share this journey with. It is very helpful. You seem to really be doing great. I also feel very good about how things are going right now. I'm at 30 days and it has been far easier than I thought it would be. I'm feeling some of the fading that you mentioned, but not enough just yet. I think it will start happening more as I get further away from it.

Keep it going. Stay strong. Enjoy your life!
 

Nick Simons

Active Member
Day 30 ... and feeling in a very good place.

Thanks Guitar for your encouragement as well - I think that more than half the battle for me is actually just believing that it is possible to live a day by day porn free lifestyle ... and have that seem like it is my "normal" state. For me, once that started to permeate into my psyche as my default mindset, things started to change and what used to be always there at my mental fingertips ... started to slip away into the shadows (where they belong). Not all at once, but I am finding slowly this is happening as I keep logging consecutive days of new "normal" living.

Still lots of ground to cover before I am completely unwired / rewired but I can at least see a path now that I believe can take me away from porn prison. Honestly, until these last 70 days or so since I came here, I would say I was always hunting to find the last "missing piece" that would allow me to finally break free (I had never gone longer than 1 week without slipping back). And now I have breathed that rarified air ... and there is no going back.

Stay strong y'all.
 

Nick Simons

Active Member
Day 31 coming up and I'm in a good place right now ... not only with this process but in life there are a number of things currently unfolding that are quite positive and exciting.

And so I am also just trying to approach this day in the same calm, fully present, not overly attached way as has been my groove of late - as I know from my past that when things are going well, I can also trip up as I start to convince myself that this is the time to let down my guard and "celebrate" a bit ... "hey things are going well, let's just unplug for a bit, it will only take a minute, you deserve it...".

Ain't going to happen this day! I love the feeling now of being able to see the space between thought and action and just be in that moment ... see it for what it is (my golden opportunity to act in whatever way I choose) ... and then recognize that I am actually choosing the path of light ... and feeling the joy and calmness that comes from that control. Today this is what I am going to embrace.

Stay strong everyone!
 
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