Healing individually or together?

Peaceful Healing

New Member
Hello everyone,
I've been part of reboot nation since July 2020. DD was July 2nd
I'm a mom to a 6,4 and 2 year old.
My husband was addicted to porn before we got together 12 years ago. I admittedly watched it while single here and there, but I guess it was like casual smoking? Pick it up once and could put it down. 
The Start: We were coworkers who quickly fell in love and moved in together after only a month of dating. Codependent from the start I now see. 
I found porn on his computer when I wasn't looking for it about 2 weeks into the relationship. I explained it's not something I'm comfortable with and he agreed to stop watching(no big deal he said)
Just like that? it shook me and I had trouble accepting his honesty.
3months in, during a fight, he left work and went home. In true jealous fashion I lied and said I found porn on the computer and he admitted that in anger he lashed out and watched porn that day.
Just like that I never regained trust. or I guess I never gained it. I have been questioning this man since the get go. 
So with omission, false security, codependency why not add marriage and 3 kids in there. 
My husband was an overnight worker and had been sleeping when I discovered. As I've read many times on this site, I had a gut feeling. It hit, I opened up his work laptop and started searching. Nothing, except for a random site that I'm assuming was a pop up at some point, because it was there with no activity on it.
When he woke, I confronted him, begged and pleaded for truth. He broke down.
And since, I've only received intermittent doses of truth. I would ask questions and there would be a lie, ask 3 more times and get on my knees begging and then the truth would come out. This went on and on. I sat living fear of the next lie that would be brought to the surface.
**And I want to note, I understand the psychology behind the excessive lying. Afraid of being accepted or shamed. I understand his childhood created this man in front of me.** The outcome is still painful though.
There has been lying about sexual activity for the full 12 years. getting up before me and the kids etc. 
Porn induced ED which for 2 years had been blamed on me. oh my gosh, the shame he used to put on me is heartbreaking. The trauma of that period is something I'm really trying to work thru. Nurturing that woman who was so confused and sad with feelings of inadequacy.
Picking fights with me after excessive dopamine dumping.
Porn use at his job. Risk of employment loss is terrifying. I'm a stay at home mom and that was our family income at risk.
Use of subs when private time was available to him. 
Silly lies about female colleagues.
The most recent was last week. He has been having thoughts of porn, this whole time. While he says he hasn't relapsed, the thought comes in and he has to direct it away. 
Which I'm accepting of! I know it's normal, I know it's to be expected, but the withholding and the lying. This question has come up at least a dozen times in the last 8 months and I was always told "No! nothing, no thoughts!"
Oh my heart. My heart is always pounding and hurting every time another lie is exposed.  I've worked tirelessly at becoming accepting of this addiction, I'm accepting things take time and there really is so much to unpack. But my heart is tired. I have not been seen as a partner that went through something very difficult. I can't silence the detective in me. I control it!! but that ache in my gut is always there. Wondering what the next thing will be.
His expectation of me is that I hold a healthy mindset of a loving, supportive and trustful wife. I really don't know how much of the trust part is my job...ya know?
I mean, I set boundaries, I kindly explain what would make me comfortable. I express my want for intimacy outside the bedroom. I don't receive these things. And all which he has never worked at repairing.
He stays home and grunts about being "caged" and "held hostage" and it does nothing! He's angry and resentful of my worries.
Btw, I allow him freedom, but it does come with me expressing myself about anxieties etc and he believes that hearing from me is not worth the action.
I've read the books, listened to the podcasts, I am not supposed to suppress. I need to express myself so the beast doesn't grow. So there is opportunity for healing and repair. And every time I express my hurt, pain or worry I get met with anger or shame.
Not sure what I'm supposed to do.
The work I have done to forgive and start healing was immensely important for me. It took months before I was fully committed to this path. A lot of manifesting strength, meditation. Trying to gain consciousness and separate my fear from my current reality. But lets face it, my current reality is there is NO TRUST.
During this entire period of recovery he has never sat me down and said - "I have something to tell you." or "I know this is hard to hear, but______." It has always been me searching. I think that makes it more traumatic.
I didn't move for 5days after DD. Lost 11lbs that first week and I'm quite a small woman. I had no concept of feeling or time. As I recall last summer I just break down. I have to hold that woman and tell her her fears and lack of trust right now are valid.
No matter how much he shames me for "giving him grief and not letting him live"
I want to!!!! I don't want to be captive to my fears!! I just know deep down I have no trust.
I understand he has no concept of his actions in the moment. The frontal part of his brain, his judge is sleeping on the job. He's very much an addict.
Gaming - Played daily/weekly the last 25years of his life. Has since stopped when he realized the dopamine dumping was keeping him in a cycle and contributing to his depression,
Drugs - Marijuana off and on for 20yearsAlcohol was big during his porn use times after after.
Smoking - His entire teen/adult life. Quit 10years ago and after DD he picked it up again for 6months. 
It's amazing how this experience has opened our brains up to so many things.
Neuroscience, trauma, addictions, codependency, wounded masculine & feminine energies. The list goes on.
You really get a good look at your dragons, as Dr Amen would say. 
So I guess I'm here...looking for someone or places I can find support. Maybe other perspectives on recovery and regaining trust. What has or has not worked for you?
I haven't reached out for professional help yet.
I know I know, it's bonkers. I have really good introspective abilities. I'm very good at navigating trauma and hardships but...this is different.
My husband is in SAA, he went to therapy for a couple of months at the beginning. He changed his job hours(daytime work) so he is no longer tempted to act out at work. He is so gung ho on his recovery with codependency, boundaries, individuality. While this is hard for me because we've always had a wounded dependent relationship...I'm really trying to hold space for this. 
Selfishly, I feel left behind. Forgotten.
He has never sat me down and said "your trust is important to me" or "I'm going to be a great man." He repeats negative self talk. "you deserve better" "I'm a loser." (None of which I agree with)
How can I trust language like that? Of course I will remain feeling unsafe. He doesn't trust himself. Doesn't respect himself.
Last night, he told me "The other SAA wives are more accepting, you've never accepted me."
oh man guys, I cried myself to sleep. I know deep down I handed this well.
I faced my resentment rather than allowed it to control me. I was not vindictive, I remained focused on the importance of recovery, respect and understanding.
Not sure what more I can do besides continuing the focus on me. Being triggered by situations daily is exhausting and would love to hear others' experiences with separation, forgiveness and how your spouse became more comfortable with their shame..
For those who made it this far, thank you. It's strange that today I woke up with an epiphany to just unload and not be alone anymore. No one knows about what has been going on in my life. Friends know we are struggling and are faced with the possibility of separation, but they have respected our privacy with the details. I need to be a part of something. I need the support. 8 months of isolation with these thoughts is too long. 


Active Member

Thank you for sharing your story. I can imagine it must have been quite something to go through all of these things and write them down. The things you describe make your situation look very difficult and require you to have a huge amount of strength to find some way of living with this. I hope you can find support here from others going through this and get some helpful insights. I don't see too much activity on this side of the forum unfortunately but I believe there are a couple of members who check in occasionally. Besides his recovery, how are you dealing with this yourself? I think it's healthy that both of you get the help you need and not just him. You write you haven't had professional help yet, I'd encourage you to get that. However I'd carefully research the person before starting because there's quite some 'professionals' claiming porn addiction doesn't exist and will do the opposite of helping you. Bloom for Women is also a good place where you can find help. Perhaps read through some of the partners' journals in here if you haven't yet.

Many of the things you describe my wife has been going through as well. Our lying must hurt like hell but still we've done that. I don't know whether acceptance is the way to go but that's something you'll have to figure out. I hope that he's serious about his recovery and gives you the attention and love you deserve.

I wish you all the best and genuinely hope you'll find some help here. I've been searching for support places for my wife as well but it seems difficult to find.


Hi Peaceful -

I am new here, as well. I want you to know that you are heard, that I understand....because I am experiencing the same emotions. I am 61, been married to Murgatroyd (who is on here) for 29 years, together for 32.
I have no advice to offer, but can tell you my story.

The trauma is REAL. Men, when you lie to your partners, you are mind-fucking them. You cause their brains to be at war with their guts, which can result in all kinds of illnesses. If you love your partner, please be honest with them....no matter how much it hurts you to do so.

Here is a song for you that I found early on upon my husband confessing his years of infidelity:

Wishing you Peace - Patience


Peaceful, there is also an online blog that has helped me with clarity a GREAT deal, but bear in mind her advice is nearly always to leave the cheater.

With love and care - Patience