Hello. I'll try to briefly summarize my situation. I'm now 30 years old. Been a porn user since my early teens. I think I was around 20 when it started to become a problem. I remember several times around that time going to work tired from watching porn late into the night. 2013 was when things were the worst. I joined a board similar to this one and also attended SAA meetings for a while. I abstained from porn for over two years in 2016-2019. About two years ago I returned to it and I don't think I've had more than two weeks of abstinence since then. In some ways my porn binges are less intense than they used to be, but there is one factor that has become an issue recently. I've adopted the habit of drinking while watching porn. I don't really drink apart from that. I discovered that being drunk enhances the experience and makes it last longer. Earlier today I had another binge, around six hours of porn and fourteen cans of beer. Took a few hours to sober up from that. The drinking has definitely become part of the fantasy. It makes the whole thing seem dirtier somehow.
I've done some soul searching and looking back into that two years of abstinence and I'm sure the difference is I was more motivated back then. I had more going on in my life and most importantly, I had hope. I was dealing with a bunch of problems during that period and I guess I always believed it would get better. Feeling a bit overwhelmed nowadays. I'm struggling with a weight problem and related health issues. I also suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. Also had some money troubles, but that is turning around now. A few years ago whenever I had a problem, I thought to myself that I can solve it, just like I solved the porn problem. After I returned to porn, it was obviously a devastating blow.
To be honest, I'm not sure if I intend to be fully abstinent. It's not the whole story, but one reason for my porn use is pleasure. I do get a lot out of it, even if there is a downside. At the very least, I want to take a break from the stuff. At various points during these past two years I've experimented with moderate porn use and I have learned two things:
1) It is possible, in the sense that I can watch only a little if I want to.
2) I don't want to watch only a little, at least not usually. I really do want it in massive binges, preferably fueled by alcohol.
Only even remotely realistic way of moderating would be to have binges less frequently. I have very conflicted feelings about my goals. I look back at those two years of abstinence and I can remember how life was for the most part better. But again, I do get something out of it. I hope to figure this out at some point.
Building up motivation is the primary purpose of this journal. That long period of abstinence shows that I can do this when I have a reason. All feedback is much appreciated.
I've done some soul searching and looking back into that two years of abstinence and I'm sure the difference is I was more motivated back then. I had more going on in my life and most importantly, I had hope. I was dealing with a bunch of problems during that period and I guess I always believed it would get better. Feeling a bit overwhelmed nowadays. I'm struggling with a weight problem and related health issues. I also suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. Also had some money troubles, but that is turning around now. A few years ago whenever I had a problem, I thought to myself that I can solve it, just like I solved the porn problem. After I returned to porn, it was obviously a devastating blow.
To be honest, I'm not sure if I intend to be fully abstinent. It's not the whole story, but one reason for my porn use is pleasure. I do get a lot out of it, even if there is a downside. At the very least, I want to take a break from the stuff. At various points during these past two years I've experimented with moderate porn use and I have learned two things:
1) It is possible, in the sense that I can watch only a little if I want to.
2) I don't want to watch only a little, at least not usually. I really do want it in massive binges, preferably fueled by alcohol.
Only even remotely realistic way of moderating would be to have binges less frequently. I have very conflicted feelings about my goals. I look back at those two years of abstinence and I can remember how life was for the most part better. But again, I do get something out of it. I hope to figure this out at some point.
Building up motivation is the primary purpose of this journal. That long period of abstinence shows that I can do this when I have a reason. All feedback is much appreciated.