Started taking this seriously

Emmen

Member
Hello. I'll try to briefly summarize my situation. I'm now 30 years old. Been a porn user since my early teens. I think I was around 20 when it started to become a problem. I remember several times around that time going to work tired from watching porn late into the night. 2013 was when things were the worst. I joined a board similar to this one and also attended SAA meetings for a while. I abstained from porn for over two years in 2016-2019. About two years ago I returned to it and I don't think I've had more than two weeks of abstinence since then. In some ways my porn binges are less intense than they used to be, but there is one factor that has become an issue recently. I've adopted the habit of drinking while watching porn. I don't really drink apart from that. I discovered that being drunk enhances the experience and makes it last longer. Earlier today I had another binge, around six hours of porn and fourteen cans of beer. Took a few hours to sober up from that. The drinking has definitely become part of the fantasy. It makes the whole thing seem dirtier somehow.

I've done some soul searching and looking back into that two years of abstinence and I'm sure the difference is I was more motivated back then. I had more going on in my life and most importantly, I had hope. I was dealing with a bunch of problems during that period and I guess I always believed it would get better. Feeling a bit overwhelmed nowadays. I'm struggling with a weight problem and related health issues. I also suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. Also had some money troubles, but that is turning around now. A few years ago whenever I had a problem, I thought to myself that I can solve it, just like I solved the porn problem. After I returned to porn, it was obviously a devastating blow.

To be honest, I'm not sure if I intend to be fully abstinent. It's not the whole story, but one reason for my porn use is pleasure. I do get a lot out of it, even if there is a downside. At the very least, I want to take a break from the stuff. At various points during these past two years I've experimented with moderate porn use and I have learned two things:

1) It is possible, in the sense that I can watch only a little if I want to.
2) I don't want to watch only a little, at least not usually. I really do want it in massive binges, preferably fueled by alcohol.

Only even remotely realistic way of moderating would be to have binges less frequently. I have very conflicted feelings about my goals. I look back at those two years of abstinence and I can remember how life was for the most part better. But again, I do get something out of it. I hope to figure this out at some point.

Building up motivation is the primary purpose of this journal. That long period of abstinence shows that I can do this when I have a reason. All feedback is much appreciated.
 

Emmen

Member
Feeling a bit shaky, but that's to be expected on the first day after a binge. Checking in on a daily basis is probably a good idea for the next couple of weeks.
 

Emmen

Member
I agree with you much of the time. But the conflict is there, no point claiming otherwise. Some kind of compromise is tempting, although the results so far aren't promising.

One big part of my porn problem has been that I use it as an excuse not to move forward in life. I've always been able to blame my other problems on it and I've clearly been deliberately keeping it there as an obstacle. I'm not sure how to solve this problem, but being a bit easier on myself is probably a part of it. Another thing is to lose the myth of radical transformation, this idea that porn-free I would become something completely different. Life doesn't necessarily have to change dramatically. Small steps, that's the plan. A bit healthier diet, a bit more exercise, a bit less mindless online surfing, a bit more sleep. It's disturbing to think what kind of mess my life has been these past couple of years. It's not all due to porn, but much of it is. And as I said, I use porn as excuse to not solve any of those problems, because I'm simply too scared of that. That's what anxiety does. But to end on a positive note, I took a walk yesterday and I was feeling great. Not just the walk itself, but the scenery by the river, the snow, the birds, everything. Those little joys of life. 
 

Sanders

Active Member
Hey,

Welcome here, good you've taken the step to be accountable and move forward in your life. I suppose you'll hear much here about either quitting porn or continuing using porn. Quitting porn a bit probably won't help much and will make it a part of your life. It's the same as an alcoholic who quits drinking however still has a sixpack of beer in the fridge just in case. Of course a little porn is better than a lot of porn, just think of the long-term. Anyways, this is your journey and success is defined by how you interpret it. If your goal is to reduce porn use to an acceptable level to you, all the best of luck!

Out of curiosity, you write that you 'get a lot out of it'. Is that anything else than short-term pleasure? I'm interested in how you see porn really as something good and enjoyable that adds something to life. For me personally it's always felt as something wrong both inside and outside of a relationship.

I like to wish you the best of luck in your journey, hopefully you'll get some improvements in your life. I'd advice you to read some journals that have a couple of pages written to see how people are dealing with their addictions. YBOP and Fight the new drug are also pretty helpful places of information. All the best!
 
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escapeandnevercomeback

Guest
The only way to get rid of porn is to starve it to death. Complete eradication is the solution. If you keep watching, even a little bit, you "wake up" porn, you feed it, you keep it alive, you activate the addicted pathways in the brain and porn will never cease to be a presence in your life. I know, complete eradication of porn is brutal, that's why many guys "don't want to do it". I put that in quotes because all of us want to do it but at the same time there is that little part hidden inside of us that doesn't want to go through the brutal suffering of cold turkey. There is that part inside of us that would like to make it work, to watch porn once in a while for "a little bit" and have no problems which it's not possible because that would mean we try to control porn use and the definition of addiction is that the drug is in control, not us. That's why we need to stay away from it completely. After abusing porn for years we've become addicts therefore we are not the same as other guys who can watch once in a while but they are not addicts and they don't have problems because of it. We are addicts and we have problems because of it. We need to want 100% to get rid of porn and then stay 100% away from porn. It will suck but it will cure us. Good luck.
 

Emmen

Member
Thanks for the comments. As to what I get from porn, the main thing of course is the pleasure. It's also the anticipation of pleasure, which often seems to make things a bit more bearable. I was just thinking today how much my weekends have revolved around porn. It actually feels a bit weird that I've now deliberately planned other things to do this weekend. I imagine weekend will feel strange for a while, but I'm sure I'd get used to it, just like I did in the old days. I got a bit worried when at some point I realized it was only Wednesday and I was already looking forward to Saturday's binge.

A secondary benefit of porn is escape. It's been like this bubble where nothing gets to me, not my problems, not job-related stress etc. In that state, I just want it to last as long as possible and that's why I've been drinking when I watch porn. Another secondary benefit is how porn use is an excuse to not go anywhere in life. I've been able to blame things on my porn use and to dream that it'll be different once I quit porn.

None of these are good reasons, of course. And all of these, to some extent, boil down to having a very pessimistic outlook on my future in general. There's little reason to give up that pleasure when there doesn't seem to be that many good things on the horizon. And that's the difference between today and that time in 2016 when I quit porn and stayed quit for two years - I was more optimistic back then. I had more goals, more ambition, more hope. Largely the goal of this board is to re-discover that mindset. I do catch glimpses of it, which is definitely a good sign.
 
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escapeandnevercomeback

Guest
Emmen said:
Thanks for the comments. As to what I get from porn, the main thing of course is the pleasure. It's also the anticipation of pleasure, which often seems to make things a bit more bearable. I was just thinking today how much my weekends have revolved around porn. It actually feels a bit weird that I've now deliberately planned other things to do this weekend. I imagine weekend will feel strange for a while, but I'm sure I'd get used to it, just like I did in the old days. I got a bit worried when at some point I realized it was only Wednesday and I was already looking forward to Saturday's binge.

A secondary benefit of porn is escape. It's been like this bubble where nothing gets to me, not my problems, not job-related stress etc. In that state, I just want it to last as long as possible and that's why I've been drinking when I watch porn. Another secondary benefit is how porn use is an excuse to not go anywhere in life. I've been able to blame things on my porn use and to dream that it'll be different once I quit porn.

None of these are good reasons, of course. And all of these, to some extent, boil down to having a very pessimistic outlook on my future in general. There's little reason to give up that pleasure when there doesn't seem to be that many good things on the horizon. And that's the difference between today and that time in 2016 when I quit porn and stayed quit for two years - I was more optimistic back then. I had more goals, more ambition, more hope. Largely the goal of this board is to re-discover that mindset. I do catch glimpses of it, which is definitely a good sign.

Thanks for checking on my journal.

The pleasure and anticipation of pleasure come from dopamine. Without it, we wouldn't care about porn. Porn releases a lot of dopamine, more dopamine than anything we naturally do (without involving substances) and that's why it's so desirable. We're crazy about it. An edging session after a long abstinence feels like meth to me. Then I get drained and I think: "Why did I do this, man? I've ruined my streak!" When the high is over, the misery takes over. The dopamine gets low and it craves to get high again, hence the binges. "One more" is how we get "one more" cup of dopamine. I understand the "I can't wait for the weekend" thing because I used to do this a lot. It started way back in my last year of elementary school when I couldn't wait for the weekend to come so I could watch the softcore porn movies after midnight, that were available only on weekends. It was like my "reward" for "enduring a hard week" and every week was a "hard week" for me, as my ability to cope with school and bullying didn't exist. Maybe that's why I got so much into porn.

The feeling of escape is fake. Porn promises us the ultimate comfort and delivers only problems and a severe lack of coping skills. In high school I loved to binge because that made me numb and I didn't feel anything anymore. I used to love lying in bed without feeling sadness, anger, stress nothing.

With the risk of repeating myself, complete eradication of porn from our life is the best, quickest, safest way to do it but the most brutal at the same time. We must prepare ourselves for the suffering that will come by starting with accepting that there is no other way for us than going through the suffering of withdrawal to escape the addiction. No hardcore addict quits his addiction like a breeze. It's hard.
 

Emmen

Member
The main thing on my mind right now is work-related stuff. This week has been absolutely insane, not so much in the amount of work, but because everything is messed up right now. We barely have an idea what we're doing. Next week it should get better. It's a complicated thing, due to legislation, bureaucracy etc. Won't go into more detail, but it is extremely stressful and of course I'm a bit worried it might not get better next week. I'm glad there's a co-worker with whom I can vent these things.

I am looking forward to a porn-free weekend. I really do assume there will be no binge this weekend. One reason I want to change my weekends is because during the week I'm often too tired for exercise so I should capitalize the weekend and get some walking in at the very least.
 
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escapeandnevercomeback

Guest
I'm starting to believe that exercise is a key component of recovery. Urges to me feel like energy building up inside of me and I've noticed that when I just sit around, thinking I can tolerate the urges with will power, I almost always end up eliminating this energy with edging to flashbacks and this spirals to hardcore and binges. When I eliminate that energy, I'm less prone to relapsing and I've noticed that other guys around here with long streaks also exercise. I'm thinking about starting to do some sport in the near future. The thing is, we need to use our energy to do things for ourselves, be it for health or for learning a skill, and not throw it away with porn that gives us nothing, no skill, no health benefits, literally nothing, it's just grabbing the energy and throwing it out the window.
 

Emmen

Member
I agree, we need positive goals. Exercise is not magic, I exercised a lot many years ago, although I was also using porn heavily. 2013, I think that was my peak physically. I've gained a lot of weight since then and had some health issues and health scares. Really need to improve with this, and though porn doesn't prevent exercise in theory, in practice I'd have the energy for both.
 

Emmen

Member
Turns out the job situation won't change that soon. I already know I have some unpleasant things to do on Monday. Due to the pandemic, I've been working from home for a while. On one hand, it's been easier because of my anxiety. I did even have some panic attacks back when I was at the office. But on the other hand, I've become more reclusive. I'm sure the transition back to daily real-life contact won't be easy, whenever that day arrives. I get what they say about the lock-downs, how they mess a lot of people up mentally. I do have some friends I could call, but I'm terrible at calling people. I always feel like I'm disturbing them.

Anyway, the plan is not to stress too much about the work stuff over the weekend. I'll definitely go outside a bit, just walk around if nothing else.
 

Emmen

Member
Just a quick check-in. Woke up really early for some reason. Tried to go back to sleep with no success. It's weird, it's not like I was even stressing about anything in particular, wasn't struggling with urges. I've had some porn-related dreams a couple of times this week, but not last night. I know from experience that those dreams are to be expected. They're not warning signs of relapse, they're just a sign that I'm abstaining. They'll get rarer with time.
 

Emmen

Member
Now that I haven't been watching porn, I've eaten more junk food. This kind of thing has happened before. It's totally predictable and totally understandable to try get kicks elsewhere. I need to to shape up. Whack-a-mole, that's what some people have called this thing. You stop one chasing kicks one way and pick up another. My diet is nowhere near as bad as it used to be, but still, I'm not gonna let this spiral into binge eating. It's only been a week since the last porn session. It feels like a longer time and I mean this mostly in a good way. This weekend has been relatively easy, but I imagine it will require a couple more porn-free weekends before I really start to believe in myself again.
 

Emmen

Member
The weekend went well, apart from eating too much on Saturday. I went for a walk both Saturday and Sunday and my feet are aching now. It's a sign of just how out of shape I am these days. Now I'm feeling a bit exhausted from work. Definitely had some porn flashbacks. It does bother me that I'm still not sure what my goals are. I'm not sure if I intend to stay abstinent. Certainly I've felt some of the benefits this past week. But still...no point denying that. There is some desire to go back, not now, but eventually.
 
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escapeandnevercomeback

Guest
The desire to go back will be there... for a period of time, which is a short period in comparison to the rest of your life. Sometimes we miss this picture. Suffer now for a period of time (some say 90 days) and live the rest of our lives as free man, not slaves. After being an addict for 23 years, imagine what would be life I was addicted for another 23 years. That's my life gone right there. It might look like a long period but it could happen just like that. Just like that 23 years have gone by with me being mediocre. This is the wake up call for both of us.
 

Emmen

Member
My experience has been that nothing special happens at the 90 day mark. I mean this in both a positive and negative sense. I did abstain from porn for over 2 years in 2016-2019. Before that I had a couple shorter abstinent periods, 4 months and 6 months, roughly. In the positive sense, you can be happily abstinent much sooner than 90 days, as I proved back in 2016. In the negative sense, 90 days is no guarantee as I proved in 2019.

Looking back at that abstinent periods, it wasn't exactly the best period of my life, but to be fair, there were reasons why that was the case and they had nothing to do with my abstinence. It would've probably been ever worse if I had been using porn back then. And things haven't certainly become that much better since my return to porn. I don't know, I think that's been part of the problem that I don't really see it making that much of a difference whether I abstain or not. The cynic in me doesn't see much hope in me turning my life around, porn-free or not.
 
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escapeandnevercomeback

Guest
Yes, I've noticed that people tended to be disappointed when they didn't see the "super powers" after long streaks, especially after 90 days because everybody thinks about this as the magic number. It's true that 90 days, for many guys, are enough to see significant changes (I've seen them after only 3 weeks so I could imagine that after 90 days it should be even better). The thing is, there are no super powers. All those "benefits" that people talk about are just them approaching "normal", going closer to what they are supposed to be and after feeling completely trash, tired and mediocre for years and years, it might surprise them to see how they feel now. But, I believe that porn recovery does one thing and a very important one: It gives us the opportunity to see who we really are. If the streak is so long and you still feel like shit, maybe there's another underlying issue that needs to be addressed. Sometimes, porn is not the cure of everything and sometimes it really is. Each individual is different. You had the chance to see longer streaks, I couldn't even come close to that so I don't know who I'm supposed to be after 6 months no porn. I could only wait to see. But quitting porn should give us our brain back and we should be more capable of fighting our other issues because porn keeps us trapped and drags us down too much.

My point is: Don't get discouraged and return to porn because you don't feel better. Porn is never an option no matter how we feel. Porn brings nothing good, heals nothing, promises too much and delivers nothing.
 

Emmen

Member
I agree about the superpowers. That kind of hype might really discourage some people who don't start feeling that way.

Not really anything special going on. Still stressed from work and it probably will be the case for a few more days. Looking forward to the weekend.
 

Emmen

Member
The work situation did get a bit better and will probably keep getting better the next few days. Feeling overwhelmed, with work stuff, with not watching porn, with trying to shape up with diet and exercise. I'll try not to to worry about too much at a time. I don't know, I'm mostly confident about the coming weekend, but there's some lingering doubts.
 
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