I hope this is the last stage of my battle

stqr73

Member
Writing this for personal record to look back at the evolution. Suggestions welcome.
Currently I am 22.5 years old. Got hooked at age 10-11 to PMO. Felt lot of shame, guilt ,fear, anxiety etc due to usage but still did and could not stop. For whole day I did PMO till exhaustion multiple times per day for at least 5 years , starting at age 11. My grades were good till 16 years because the curriculum was not that demanding , rote memorization did the job. Game change happened when I was 17 years and I was just a brick who could not get anything. My health both physical and mental was at its worst for my age. Looked like a kid and did not develop any good life coping skills. PMO was the escape now. I have lost money  and career due to escapsim. Given any problem, solution is PMO. Money spent on my studies went down the drain because I could not get even a single thing.
In 2016(18 years) due to final exam I had streak of 41 days.
In 2018 , I was fed up , I even tore up my PMO quitting record which I had handwritten since 2016. I tore it up because I was at extreme academic failure and I thought now that I tore up my past record I am good to go PMO free for the rest of my life.
In 2019 I had a highest streak of 105 days hardmode.
In 2020 , highest streak of 113 days hardmode.
In 2021 , highest streak 52 days hardmode.
Current streak day 5.
I want to do hardmode till I marry which means I aim for hardmode reboot for atleast 3 - 5 years from now.

 

Sangiha

Member
Don?t let this process take over your life. You should live your life to the fullest and bot limit yourself from being with other people.
 

stqr73

Member
Day 6(11:00 A.M). Severe withdrawal symptoms, I see as if I don't see. Day after tomorrow I have the first paper of Semester exam, for which I am not prepared and I don't care because passing and getting the degree means nothing unless I am not clean from this mess. If I am committed to being clean , only then life makes any sense. Earlier I used to push myself before every exam but this time I let it slip because I am severely addicted and I don't think unless there is some sensitization to real life rewards I can study effectively. I have made every possible study plan but unable to commit and as if I don't have the mental juice. My other approach previously was to just don't care about PMO and just focus on the task. While that did make me learn decent amount in limited time but that was just painting the surface while the foundation is leaky. I believe a good chunk of my brain potential is currently hidden under the addiction. My brain damage is quite severe, lets see how long it takes to normalize. Gotta keep fighting.
 

stqr73

Member
stqr73 said:
Day 6(11:00 A.M). Severe withdrawal symptoms, I see as if I don't see. Day after tomorrow I have the first paper of Semester exam, for which I am not prepared and I don't care because passing and getting the degree means nothing unless I am not clean from this mess. If I am committed to being clean , only then life makes any sense. Earlier I used to push myself before every exam but this time I let it slip because I am severely addicted and I don't think unless there is some sensitization to real life rewards I can study effectively. I have made every possible study plan but unable to commit and as if I don't have the mental juice. My other approach previously was to just don't care about PMO and just focus on the task. While that did make me learn decent amount in limited time but that was just painting the surface while the foundation is leaky. I believe a good chunk of my brain potential is currently hidden under the addiction. My brain damage is quite severe, lets see how long it takes to normalize. Gotta keep fighting.
After writing the journal slept and then ate lunch and did gardening to keep up the hormones. I am doing gardening since 2 - 3 days to level up the dopmaine. Plan to go for a walk again from the front of my house near evening time
 

stqr73

Member
Day 7( 10 : 45 a.m ), Woke up at 6 : 45 a.m slept prev night at 9 : 30 p.m. Did cold shower, pray, morning walk, breakfast. on dermatologist and  enzyme medicine . Tomorrow is exam tried and made hourly chart for studies but soon yawned so much. Tried to sleep since 1 hour but not fresh still. while writing this I am yawning severely but unable to sleep(during the day) because there is nothing else I can do. Maybe I will do some gardening. Withdrawal making me lazy and restless.
 

stqr73

Member
Gave exam and I think I will pass. Lets see. But man after exam my brain stopped working. Stress was all time high. Even when I am writing  this stress is so high that I want to kill myself . I don't know why. And girls were looking at me , but guess what I have no self confidence at all. When I entered exam centre I felt like a coward couldn't see anybody in eye forget talking. Even though people respect me , But I think my confidence is down. But one thing I noticed during exam that my brain was sharper than I have seen in any of  my previous exams. Lets kick this Mf*** out of my life for ever..........
 
Stqr73, keep it up! I know the feeling of being desired by women but not being able to reciprocate that with confidence because of PMO.. It is crippling and can even make your self-esteem go lower. But, the further you get from PMO the better of your confidence, assurance, self worth, etc. will be.

We are both in this battle together, praying for you and your recovery today.
 

stqr73

Member
thepornproblem said:
Stqr73, keep it up! I know the feeling of being desired by women but not being able to reciprocate that with confidence because of PMO.. It is crippling and can even make your self-esteem go lower. But, the further you get from PMO the better of your confidence, assurance, self worth, etc. will be.

We are both in this battle together, praying for you and your recovery today.

Thanks ! means a lot for me.
 

stqr73

Member
Day 9.I listened to two audiobooks Atomic Habits and How to talk to anyone. Even though I didn't complete them yet . Powerful stuff.
 

stqr73

Member
Day 10. Woke up early , hit the gym early , then cold shower, after that studying for the tomorrow's test. Memory seems a lot sharper compared to my old self....
 

stqr73

Member
At around 5 pm , I was quite tired to study , went for evening Walk(was listening to audiobook on the way), returned but still tired for studies, so jumped inside warm bed and slept and woke up refreshed . I hope it doesn't cause me Insomnia today. Hopefully not.
 

stqr73

Member
Day 11.Woke up , hit gym, cold shower, breakfast. I don't know how long will it take for me to regain my self confidence. I can't look to anybody in the eyes, I feel jealous, insecure around people even though I am not that far behind in life. But I think I am very lagging in my social life, can't initiate meaningful conversation. I always feel inferior , don't know how to overcome it. I think since I have been a kid , even off PMO , I was kind of socially anxious. I don't know how to regain a charming persona back in my life. I just cant be myself .
 

stqr73

Member
Day 11. Gave exam and I have very less chance of passing. It's not that I can't study to pass rather I am focused on reboot rather than stressing myself to study whether or not I am clean. First priority is being clean second is this degree. After initial reboot stage journey is comparatively easier. I am not making excuses for failure rather I am focused on being clean. To be honest I had much higher self confidence than usual. I am happy with that thing . Mind was clutter free. Always being A student to not care about studies means I am f*** serious about recovery. Of course I will ace these exams later but right now I want myself back . After that I will rock in these exams after six months or so. There is nothing more harder than an addict trying to de addict himself. The amount of discipline, research, commitment for this thing is way higher than any exam or degree.
 
E

escapeandnevercomeback

Guest
stqr73 said:
Day 11. Gave exam and I have very less chance of passing. It's not that I can't study to pass rather I am focused on reboot rather than stressing myself to study whether or not I am clean. First priority is being clean second is this degree. After initial reboot stage journey is comparatively easier. I am not making excuses for failure rather I am focused on being clean. To be honest I had much higher self confidence than usual. I am happy with that thing . Mind was clutter free. Always being A student to not care about studies means I am f*** serious about recovery. Of course I will ace these exams later but right now I want myself back . After that I will rock in these exams after six months or so. There is nothing more harder than an addict trying to de addict himself. The amount of discipline, research, commitment for this thing is way higher than any exam or degree.

Bingo. That's what I tell people sometimes. Quitting porn is already very hard in itself and some people are suffocated enough by this to be able to do other hard things at the same time. But make sure you are done with porn by the time you have to take the exams, don't relapse a few days before them like I used to do before important events. I would say: "By the time that thing happens I will be X number of days porn free" only to go there with like a 2 days long streak following a binge.
 

stqr73

Member
escapeandnevercomeback said:
stqr73 said:
Day 11. Gave exam and I have very less chance of passing. It's not that I can't study to pass rather I am focused on reboot rather than stressing myself to study whether or not I am clean. First priority is being clean second is this degree. After initial reboot stage journey is comparatively easier. I am not making excuses for failure rather I am focused on being clean. To be honest I had much higher self confidence than usual. I am happy with that thing . Mind was clutter free. Always being A student to not care about studies means I am f*** serious about recovery. Of course I will ace these exams later but right now I want myself back . After that I will rock in these exams after six months or so. There is nothing more harder than an addict trying to de addict himself. The amount of discipline, research, commitment for this thing is way higher than any exam or degree.

Bingo. That's what I tell people sometimes. Quitting porn is already very hard in itself and some people are suffocated enough by this to be able to do other hard things at the same time. But make sure you are done with porn by the time you have to take the exams, don't relapse a few days before them like I used to do before important events. I would say: "By the time that thing happens I will be X number of days porn free" only to go there with like a 2 days long streak following a binge.

Important piece of insight!
 
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