I hope this is the last stage of my battle

stqr73

Member
Day 12.Friday. Woke up early + ate oatmeal + did morning gym workout + cold shower + postworkout meal. After that studied a bit then was extremely tired .Then slept (power nap) for 20 minutes. then ate lunch. Tried to study for tomorrow's exam but I am not able to. Seems fear has taken over me which is preventing me from proceeding forward. Social confidence has increased a lot as compared to earlier . I hate to say but I don't want to be a coward hiding from exams. But I know one thing for sure that quitting this addiction is quite taxing for the body even though externally I look good. Let the body take its time. Sometimes rationalizations erupt inside my head and in split second I kick them off and flashbacks I imagine puking at the previous memory to distort them.
 

stqr73

Member
Day 14. Sunday. Yesterday was quite stressful due to some uni issues but guess what I was confident as steel unflinching. Man I love that from myself. I didn't care about any approvals and was confident by my own. Guess what it will take a few days for my body to calm down to an otherwise massive stressor.
 

stqr73

Member
12pm.Feeling sleepy and yawning a lot . Guess what stress even though I did cold showers and ate good protein diet. Withdrawals.
 

stqr73

Member
Day 15. Woke up midnight to close audiobook. Then woke up early but have had P*** dreams, they freaked me out. But I took warm shower , hit gym , then cold shower, breakfast. So far I am feeling good.
 

stqr73

Member
Day 15. 11:40 am . Starting to feel more emotions as compared to earlier. Sensitive to cues. I think emotional withdrawals are in the form of fear for me. The fear will go away soon . Its 2nd phase of withdrawal after first phase of physical withdrawal which I guess is over , can't say about the future though. 
 

stqr73

Member
stqr73 said:
Day 15. 11:40 am . Starting to feel more emotions as compared to earlier. Sensitive to cues. I think emotional withdrawals are in the form of fear for me. The fear will go away soon . Its 2nd phase of withdrawal after first phase of physical withdrawal which I guess is over , can't say about the future though.

Evening time. Guess what I feel emotions now, heart is pounding I can hear and feel my heartbeat not numbed by any supernormal stimulus. After 4th grade now is the time I actually feel things . Guess what I have to get used to feeling emotions now. Earlier I was a zombie who felt nothing. It even felt great talking to my mom which would otherwise annoy me. Man lets see what's more coming my way.. OOf. Guess what coming out of escapism after quite a long time . Hmm.
 

stqr73

Member
Woke up early. Hit gym , didn't cold shower yet. Went for a walk , had elevated blood pressure diastolic . Guess why? Ans: Withdrawal. Gym instructor told me to eat well to gain weight. Have exam in a couple of hours.
 

stqr73

Member
Day 16. After exam my brain didn't quite work. As if all my brain juice was empty and there was no juice left for socializing . At home I took evening walk after which at one point It seemed like there was some switch in my brain which was turned on after walking for long time and after that switch turning on , my brain felt somewhat okay and normal. This was a great discovery for me. 
 

stqr73

Member
Day 17.
Woke up at 5 : 00 A.M.I left the gym for 45 days from now. 15 days prior to Month. Tomorrow is exam and I did manage to study little bit but not satisfactory preparation according to my own standard. Even though many topics I have studied earlier but don't have that much mental juice and mental will to revise in order to pass.
I went for 3 walks today. One in morning before breakfast at around 7:00 A.M , another in afternoon at around 1 pm and another at around 5: 30 pm. Walks keep my brain sane and redistribute my energy and rewire my brain to nature , add to it occasionally greeting those whom I know(Socializing). At around 5 pm my brain was going crazy and giving me stupid , false alarms , I tackle it by walking .
My brain is much better compared to earlier in terms of anxiety.
Sometimes my brain makes me think whether this recovery will even work , immediately I recall the success stories where they explicitly mention this point . They say recovery is possible and don't let your brain doubt this recovery and it's worth it , you get your life back , your freedom and happiness back.
 

stqr73

Member
stqr73 said:
Day 17.
Woke up at 5 : 00 A.M.I left the gym for 45 days from now. 15 days prior to Month. Tomorrow is exam and I did manage to study little bit but not satisfactory preparation according to my own standard. Even though many topics I have studied earlier but don't have that much mental juice and mental will to revise in order to pass.
I went for 3 walks today. One in morning before breakfast at around 7:00 A.M , another in afternoon at around 1 pm and another at around 5: 30 pm. Walks keep my brain sane and redistribute my energy and rewire my brain to nature , add to it occasionally greeting those whom I know(Socializing). At around 5 pm my brain was going crazy and giving me stupid , false alarms , I tackle it by walking .
My brain is much better compared to earlier in terms of anxiety.
Sometimes my brain makes me think whether this recovery will even work , immediately I recall the success stories where they explicitly mention this point . They say recovery is possible and don't let your brain doubt this recovery and it's worth it , you get your life back , your freedom and happiness back.

I have D.M exam tomorrow. Despite having time I am unable to study because my brain is throwing tantrums of being tired and I am yawning a lot as well. I am on acne antibiotics + liver meds(two) . Maybe medicines are making me feel more tired than usual. Whatever the case , If I am unable study , rather than worrying I just hit the bed and sleep , that is a practical solution rather than just worry which is very harmful for me.
 

stqr73

Member
stqr73 said:
stqr73 said:
Day 17.
Woke up at 5 : 00 A.M.I left the gym for 45 days from now. 15 days prior to Month. Tomorrow is exam and I did manage to study little bit but not satisfactory preparation according to my own standard. Even though many topics I have studied earlier but don't have that much mental juice and mental will to revise in order to pass.
I went for 3 walks today. One in morning before breakfast at around 7:00 A.M , another in afternoon at around 1 pm and another at around 5: 30 pm. Walks keep my brain sane and redistribute my energy and rewire my brain to nature , add to it occasionally greeting those whom I know(Socializing). At around 5 pm my brain was going crazy and giving me stupid , false alarms , I tackle it by walking .
My brain is much better compared to earlier in terms of anxiety.
Sometimes my brain makes me think whether this recovery will even work , immediately I recall the success stories where they explicitly mention this point . They say recovery is possible and don't let your brain doubt this recovery and it's worth it , you get your life back , your freedom and happiness back.

I have D.M exam tomorrow. Despite having time I am unable to study because my brain is throwing tantrums of being tired and I am yawning a lot as well. I am on acne antibiotics + liver meds(two) . Maybe medicines are making me feel more tired than usual. Whatever the case , If I am unable study , rather than worrying I just hit the bed and sleep , that is a practical solution rather than just worry which is very harmful for me.

Also just to mention , I have installed all blockers and the procedure given in a thread on yourbrainrebalanced( I think that was the website) from early Day 1 itself on my mini light weight laptop and spin browser on my android. I avoid unnecessary internet use.
Also I have flu like symptoms ( running nose) .
I am in flatline currently.
Due to my gym activity since December 2020 ( even though I left many times in between ) , I am in good physical shape for me at least.
 

stqr73

Member
Day 18. Writing journal before my study for today's test.
I just want to jot down that one of the things that is most critical to survive in recovery for me is to sleep at night at around 9:00 pm or even earlier and wake up at around 5 - 6:00 A.M. Seems simple but it works and I learnt it  from JP's lecture where he said "make a schedule and stick to it". Routine helps immensely.
When overwhelmed I just calculate the no of hours till sleep , which is a small finite number , this realization of making it through one day is quite massive. Single droplets contribute to massive recovery.
 

stqr73

Member
Also about yesterday Day 18. I was quite calm and felt good , very less anxious and felt my surrounding in and around exam hall. Didn't feel intimidated in presence of girls. I felt the world around me rather than being a spectator in life.
Day 19. Woke up . Prayed , Went for morning walk . Had breakfast (Tea with Chapatis ). Studied for last sem test of tomorrow. Got tired and my brain was giving me false sense of satisfaction (hit ) to relapse because I have healed.(LOL!) Man that was weird convincing him to shut up and de clutter the mental space.
Ate eggs and did gardening to release some energy .
Then did cold shower. Man cold shower felt like never before each of my body cells was cold.
Anyways I was kind of nervous and anxious , so substituted with healthy binge eating( nuts+cashews+dates+tea).
Now writing this journal after tea. I will rest for some time in bed. Then I will proceed with rest of my day.
 

stqr73

Member
stqr73 said:
Also about yesterday Day 18. I was quite calm and felt good , very less anxious and felt my surrounding in and around exam hall. Didn't feel intimidated in presence of girls. I felt the world around me rather than being a spectator in life.
Day 19. Woke up . Prayed , Went for morning walk . Had breakfast (Tea with Chapatis ). Studied for last sem test of tomorrow. Got tired and my brain was giving me false sense of satisfaction (hit ) to relapse because I have healed.(LOL!) Man that was weird convincing him to shut up and de clutter the mental space.
Ate eggs and did gardening to release some energy .
Then did cold shower. Man cold shower felt like never before each of my body cells was cold.
Anyways I was kind of nervous and anxious , so substituted with healthy binge eating( nuts+cashews+dates+tea).
Now writing this journal after tea. I will rest for some time in bed. Then I will proceed with rest of my day.
In afternoon did some gardening.
Evening update. Genuinely feeling good .Did some cycling and gardening. Man I feel content .
 

stqr73

Member
Man, I went for the evening walk . Studied a bit and then suddenly got depressed about my condition. I got hopeless. Guess what only when I am not hopeless , not worried and not depressed can I better my life. Merely feeling the emotions won't do shit. Feel the emotion and take the steps. If you are already taking steps then no need to worry. Guess what I won't accomplish nothing by being depressed , hopeless , sad. More importantly it can lead to relapse. So get these emotions out.
 

stqr73

Member
stqr73 said:
Man, I went for the evening walk . Studied a bit and then suddenly got depressed about my condition. I got hopeless. Guess what only when I am not hopeless , not worried and not depressed can I better my life. Merely feeling the emotions won't do shit. Feel the emotion and take the steps. If you are already taking steps then no need to worry. Guess what I won't accomplish nothing by being depressed , hopeless , sad. More importantly it can lead to relapse. So get these emotions out.

Crying like a baby over the lost chances I had to better my life.
 

stqr73

Member
Day 20. Woke up early , prayed , went for morning walk. After I woke up , I felt kind of migraine sweeping my head. During the walk I saw a woman and my brain fired neurochemicals and what not. I tried to reason it through and battle in my head ended.
Now at home , I feel as if I am mourning the death of someone close , that's how sad and heavy I feel . I had to study right now but guess what body is taxed a lot in this quitting process.
I guess I will do some gardening and then cold shower afterwards.
 

stqr73

Member
stqr73 said:
Day 20. Woke up early , prayed , went for morning walk. After I woke up , I felt kind of migraine sweeping my head. During the walk I saw a woman and my brain fired neurochemicals and what not. I tried to reason it through and battle in my head ended.
Now at home , I feel as if I am mourning the death of someone close , that's how sad and heavy I feel . I had to study right now but guess what body is taxed a lot in this quitting process.
I guess I will do some gardening and then cold shower afterwards.

Did gardening , cold shower. Went out to buy socks , stumbled across many people ( Old PHY teacher , College Principal and his assistant), felt worthless and hid myself. I hate myself. It will take time for me to regain my own worth and confidence.
 

stqr73

Member
Slowly seeing beauty of life. My eyes see what otherwise I didn't. I am more vibrant and content. Healing is going on ata good pace.I teach my bro for average 4 hours. I am slowly getting a grip on my ife.
 

stqr73

Member
Day 27. Went to college alone , there my brain was quite better , I seemed more logical, even though we didn't have any classes. I saw many of my friends seamlessly enjoying with girls. I was alone . I earlier had argument with majority of my classmates. So I was quite alone. I don't care . I want my life back. No matter how long this healing thing takes.
 
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