Discovering my potential through rebooting

Dantes

Member
Day 21

So it's three weeks so far, feeling happy about that. Today skipped lunch and ate large dinner so feeling pretty bloated and tired now, just have to hang out one hour or two before getting to bed again. Mind is oddly empty currently. Will be back tomorrow.

Dantes
 

Dantes

Member
Day 22

So had my first wet dream in ages. It was a stupid dream and I can't help but think I could've avoided it if I didn't bloat myself before bed yesterday. Maybe I'm just imagining it. Anyway, having a wet dream does feel like progress. Some chaser effect today, but nothing too bad. Overall energy remains quite low, but it might just be due to work, as I have worked overtime every day this week. Today my aim is to go for a run and an outdoor gym session. Tomorrow begins my two week pause from work, which I will spend on school-related project. That means going back home with girlfriend and sex will be more regular. That might help, but also fearing the more frequent chaser effect. Will have to stay alert and balanced.

See you tomorrow
Dantes
 

Dantes

Member
Day 23

Lots of things in my mind, but for today just checking in quickly before bed. Busy day, no real threat of PMO.

Dantes
 

Dantes

Member
Day 24

Time to unpack some thoughts. It's been over three weeks and I'm feeling energetic, and today was meeting some friends and I had some newfound confidence in myself. Still lots of work to do but definitely some improvement. Yesterday, I talked with my grandpa. He's quite stoic figure, and we never really talk anything besides pragmatic issues. But somehow I made myself talk about my future desires and goals to him, including things about my relationship. It came more naturally than expected. After that I had a longer drive home, where I got really emotional when I realized how lucky I was to have such a person in my life. This was one of the first glimpses of the spark within, which I was talking about in my first post. So I'm very happy to feel these strong feelings.

Why rebooting / nofap alone will fail
This is an idea I thought about on thursday evening. I was quite tired, eating pizza and had this sudden snap to look around in the room I lived between workdays. It was a mess, I hadn't cleaned my clothes, I was eating pizza and sat half-assed with laptop in my lap. I was messy and was postponing my run. I didn't like what I saw. That made me think that generally, I cannot succeed if rebooting is the only thing going my way. Because if that fails, I will find myself in the midst of sad existence and my new great rebooting streak meant nothing. I'm not certain if this idea makes sense, but it did in my head at the time. I will return to this post later to see if I can still relate to this idea.

I'm going through some uncertainty about my feelings towards my girlfriend. But everything is going very smoothly at the moment and our relationship is a very functional one. I don't wan't to make any hasty decisions while my mind is transforming through rebooting and my new system. But these are things I eventually cannot escape from, so I will probably come back on this subject later.

In the near future, I need to stay alert and vigilant, as always. I'm back home and it means I'm back in the environment with all the familiar cues and distractions which have lead to procrastination and PMO earlier. So no reason to start slacking now.

See you tomorrow
Dantes
 

Dantes

Member
Day 25

Had sex yesterday. In the morning there was a hint of chaser effect, but there were lots to do today, so I forced myself off from the bed as soon as I woke. I have been basically checking off things from my to do -list so far today, and haven't thought PMO for once, which feels odd and obviously great at the same time. But I know from experience that it's not necessarily a gradual process of milder thoughts to action in case of relapsing or binging, rather it can be very sudden compulsive thought that leads to PMO. But training the mind to control triggering thoughts still plays huge role in avoiding relapse. I also had a really refreshing run in sunny weather, which boosted my mood. It can be very triggering to notice girls outside when running, but it doesn't strike my as wrong as having fantasizing thoughts sitting home. In the past my thoughts of girls were usually foremost sexual, and I can still feel that wiring but more often than ever it is now almost immediately overrun by more human considerations of that girl. And that is a good way to kill the fantasies, I feel.

So I'm planning to spend sunday doing preparing chores etc for next week, so I can focus on work and self-improvement the best I can.

See you tomorrow
Dantes
 

Dantes

Member
Day 26

Today was great in the sense that I accomplished all the goals I set for myself. Using Pomodoro for avoiding procrastinatino really worked. I feel the built up energy again and it feels like my body's temperature is set on higher than normal. I did recess a bit from yesterday when I came across women during gym visit, I felt some objectifying thoughts and it took me a while longer to stop them, comparing to weekend. But anyway, I have managed to work home alone with my computer without real threat of PMO and that is superb when I look backwards before this reboot. Big sub-goal of thirty days is awaiting itself on thursday. I will try to figure out a healthy way to celebrate this milestone. I haven't been the best person to thank and reqard myself after good effort or result and it's something I'm trying to change too.

See you tomorrow,
Dantes
 

Dantes

Member
Day 27

Decided to post quite early today because I'll be quite busy the rest of the day. The weather is sunny and reminding of summer here currently, which really lifts my spirit. But I also feel a bit deeper sense of satisfaction from it, as it feels like I can enjoy these things with good conscience without guilt. Not much more to add today.

Edit: I also noticed I'm on page two of this thread. Feeling proud of having made it this far already.

See you tomorrow
Dantes
 

Dantes

Member
Day 28

Today was not the best in terms of productivity. Yesterday's hard physical training coupled with bad night's sleep must have been big contributors for that. The whole day my mind has been riddled with urges and I let fantasies go on on for far too long. So in some moments the temptation to relapse was stronger than I've felt for a while. Today I still have another successful day of reboot behind me, but as I wrote earlier, rebooting alone won't win the longer game.

Dee you tomorrow
Dantes
 

Dantes

Member
Do or die: Thank you!


Day 29 & 30

So this is the morning of day 30. Didn't make the post yesterday due to simple forgetfulness, I'm a bit bummed about that. This week my control over productivity has been slipping after Monday, perhaps because of couple of bad sleeps and overexerting myself physically. So this week I have also had a lot more urges and fantasies than the weeks before. Don't know if this is a symptom of lack of control. With all this being said, I'm still feeling quite solid on my reboot. But the obvious should be stated repeatedly: when you are feeling solid, you should be all the more cautious on your thoughts.

Today should be a breeze, since I'm spending the day with friends, some of them are leaving the city after graduation. That will substitute a reward for reaching thirty days, and I can't actually come up with a much healthier reward than that.

On the weekend I'm hoping to revisit my producticity system and plan ahead the next week. Now, off to the next thirty days.


See you tomorrow
Dantes
 

Dantes

Member
Day 31

So yesterday I stayed up late due to hanging out with friends. Had a few drinks and today the urges are very strong. To make matters worse, I will spend the afternoon and evening alone home, so defences must be strong. Will have to get away from the house at least for a while, so things won't escalate inside my head.

Hoping to see you tomorrow
Dantes
 

Dantes

Member
Day 32

Feeling like I need to sort my thoughts, so this will probably result in a longer post.

Urges are there, but somehow they are now quickly overrun by the thought of my streak, and I've also trained to transfer my thoughts to sports the second I begin fantasizing about women. I notice that one of the hardest moments is when my gf is about to leave home for hours, it's crazy how I can feel the urges exploding. I guess my brains are accustomed to the thought of PMO after gf leaves. Something that came into mind while writing this was "The tool" technique, which I discovered from youtube. I think this is the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zk6iwf7VkVA (I can't be sure because I've blocked Youtube currently).

32 days is my longest successful streak so far. It's hard to put in words the benefits so far, maybe I'll save that for later. Overall the impact is absolutely positive. I'm very happy with my rebooting performance thus far. There are some things in my life that need pondering on. After graduating I now have aspiring dreams of working abroad. I'm also not sure if I'm happy in my current relationship, and it's hard to bring this up with my girlfriend, as it's more about being unsure about future together, rather than being sure I don't want to be together. And it's hard to recognize what is due to end of honeymoon phase in relationship and what part is just feelings dying. I almost feel like I'm too old to start over searching and building a new relationship, when my absolute goal is to have a family with more than one children in the future. Maybe someone older than me finds this ridiculous, but it's definitely a thought that I have.

Productivity-wise there have been good glimpses during this reboot, but this still needs to be improved. I thought I will present my current system now, maybe to see if I can improve some aspects of it.


1. Upon waking up, I do a sequence of yoga moves, to wake up the body. If I have time and solitude, I will meditate after this for 10-15 minutes. This I usually manage to do around 3-4 times per week.

2. I write my plan for the day in bullet journal, which constitutes a daily calendar, to do -list and list of non-zero activities. I talked about non-zero activities before, the idea is to form a habit by creating a chain of daily contacts to said habit, even for a brief time. These include reading a book, yoga&meditation, online course I'm currently studying, practicing Duolingo and writing on my bullet journal. Also, posting here daily is one of the non-zero activities.

3. I have removed youtube, instagram and facebook apps from my phone and I also blocked youtube and instagram in my laptop. I also use blockers for porn sites, even though now I'm thinking that it's a bit too late defence against PMO, as at that point the brain has usually already made the decision to watch porn and it will always find a way somehow. The social media block has proven surprisingly useful, as I now have time to do much more things than before. I have spent most of my life as a heavy user of internet and I'm without question also addicted to internet. I also won't find myself ogling on girls' pictures on instagram, which I think will help in developing my self-image and self respect in future.


The biggest goal right now is to continue this system and rebooting up until day 60, and all the way to day 90. I suspect that the pendulum swings of urges, motivation and flatlines will become less intense and longer lasting, so I think it will now take extra effort to keep this up. The initial burst of motivation of beginning has somewhat worn out and this phase is critical in embedding these routines in my brain. That is how true change is made.

This probably wasn't the most organized and neatest post I expected, but it seems that simply typing up my current situation makes a lot of things seem clearer to me. Only by defining our problems clearly do we have any chance of solving them.

I think I'll go for a run now, getting out of the apartment could be refreshing.


See you tomorrow
Dantes
 

Dantes

Member
Day 33

Feeling tired today, slept short because talked about aforementioned things with my girlfriend yesterday evening. First and foremost I'm feeling relieved because I finally managed to say what's been inside my head for a long time. The future of our relationship remains to be decided, but we'll take small steps now to see how things feel.

Other than that not too many urges as not much alone-time, but should remain vigilant today because after bad sleep brain is more likely to make short-term reward decisions.

See you tomorrow,
Dantes
 

Dantes

Member
Day 34

I have managed to work much more today than I anticipated. Part of it must be due to good sleep last night. Tried to take a nap, during which I noticed some fantasies occurring inside my mind. I automatically seem to feel guilt because of these thoughts and swift my attention to other things, but now I have also noticed a sense of "boredom" creeping in my life when I deny myself fantasizing about women. Maybe it's part of my personality, but for a long time I've defined a lot of my goals and objectives in life with regards to women. Whether it is to have a beautiful wife or to just have sex with someone attractive. During this process it feels like it doesn't make so much sense anymore, but fantasizing myself with an ideal woman has given me plenty of satisfaction, even motivation at times. I don't think it's entirely unhealthy to desire women, but currently it feels hard to distinct which part of fantasizing about women is unhealthy. I mean that when we think of other aspirations, career-wise or economically for example, it is a form of fantasizing, right?

It will be interesting to see if my view on this subject develops and/or changes during rebooting. What I still need to do is to keep learning to know myself, which means to journal and meditate and otherwise be mindful of my thoughts.

See you tomorrow
Dantes
 

Dantes

Member
Day 35

Midday currently. Body is aching from all the sports I've done recently, now I need to relax for the rest of the day. It's quite chilly between me and gf currently, because of our talk recently, but also we're happy to more honest with one another. But we have decided to continue over summer to see how things develop between us.

Yesterday was great in terms of productivity, today I'm having trouble motivating myself again. Getting my corona vaccine in one hour, maybe I'll get myself to do a couple of pomodoros after that.

Other than that, not too much to raport. Slept bad and had some fantasies of women in the early morning while laying in bed. Also my mind has been quite occupied with thoughts on women for a few days already. Hopefully I can change that.

See you tomorrow
Dantes
 

dining table

New Member
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Dantes

Member
Thanks for the support dining table. Now I know that even during darkest times of my struggle, I'll never be short of options for dining tables!

Day 36

Feeling quite steady, also had sex yesterday with some chaser effect continuing during the night and morning. One significant problem currently is sleep quality. I remember from my past efforts that first during the reboot sleep quality decreases, maybe it's due to increased t levels. Nothing too grave however, and I'm also feeling mentally in a good place now. Trying to take my productivity and learning to the next level, day by day.

See you tomorrow
Dantes
 

Dantes

Member
Day 37 & 38

Another missed day, again due to being busy all day but the objective is still to keep posting daily. Today will also be spent with friends so no immediate threat of PMO. There is a possibility that I might spend the night alone in the house and in that case it would be dangerous, because i slept only couple of hours last night and being home alone tired is a recipe for disaster. So we'll watch out for that.

See you tomorrow
Dantes
 

Dantes

Member
Day 39

Yesterday evening was really hard because I was super tired and just tried to avoid falling asleep, but the tiredness brought about a load of urges for me to deal with. But I laste until the evening, I slept fairly well last night and today I have already exercised and went to have coffee outdoors with my gf. No real threat of PMO today, some dreams including sexual fantasies maybe, but not that many urges. I have been slipping today from my instagram and youtube ban, but I've decided that in the weekend it is okay to return to social media. Let's try to keep it that way. I'm feeling a bit down on my ambition currently, that's something I'll keep track on. Energy levels are however fairly good.


See you tomorrow
Dantes
 

Dantes

Member
Day 40

Feeling very tired, started in a new job today. Besides that I have goals to do quite a lot after work, I hope I can manage all the workload in a smart way. Maybe because of tiredness I felt very frustrated with my gf today. I wish I could gain some clarity on relationship matters and what to do. But first and foremost now taking care of myself so my judgment will be sharp when time comes to make decisions in the future.

Let's take small steps every day to develop ourselves higher than our past self could ever imagine.

See you tomorrow
Dantes
 
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