Day 67
I feel like writing something, but mind is feeling quite empty right now.
So girlfriend just left for the next two months, she's working elsewhere this summer. This poses another level of difficulty, as I'm entering hard mode of rebooting after two months of reboot behind me. We'll still see each other over few weekend in summer, but whether we have time for sex remains to be seen. So all of that practice with journalling and my system will now be measured against hard mode rebooting. I'm happy with what I've achieved in last two months, but currently I'm not yet very confident in my ability to defend the urges. The first initial urges appeared when my gf left, and I almost gave in. My mind was trying to convince me that PMOing now won't matter, because who cares if I get PIED for a while, I won't be having sex for a while anyway. Managed to get over that obstacle however, now the priority is once again in kicking my system into gear, ensuring quality sleep and exercise each day and developing myself and my projects daily. It'll take some practice to take care of all the housework and food besides the aforementioned stuff, but it's all about incremental improvements and establishing routines that fit neatly together.
I also want to use this time alone as an opportunity to reflect the past spring and my life from now on. I have been struggling with lack of feelings towards my gf for approximately half a year now. We've been together for 2,5 years. It has been quite typical for me in my earlier life to embody this "new beginnings" mindset during springtime, for some reason. And I really want to make sure what I'm feeling isn't just product of that mindset, which has now been taken into new heights as I've graduated and have properly started to plan the direction of my life for the next few years. Everything is currently functioning very well in our everyday life and it feels like a huge waste to just throw it away, but in the other hand I spend a lot of my time just daydreaming about someone else and I feel very frequently frustrated with my gf. I can't feel the companionship with her that she seems to be feeling with me, I sort of just play along with her so as not to cause trouble. I do care for her but at this point I'm quite unsure if I love her. To be frank, I'm not even sure if I know how love really feels or if I would recognize feeling it. I don't mean that I don't have emotions, I think of myself as being more emotional than average guy. But, I'm also one of the most independent people I know. I have done some travelling alone, I frequently need time alone with my own thoughts and I enjoy doing things just by myself. This is something I must overcome to make progress in my career as I often want to oversee and do everything from the ground up. This trait will lead me to micromanaging projects if I can't let it go. But what I originally meant to say with me being very independent is that I'm not sure if I'll ever be cabale of being co-dependent (thank you 7 habits of highly effective people) on a girl. So is that to say I can't love? It is a possibility I'm thinking. These are among the many qualities I've inherited from my father. He also seems often times frustrated and cynical about my mother and I can't help wondering, if the world and situation would've been different for him, would he have chosen a different companion. I love my father even after all the anger I felt towards him in my teenage years, because he raised me to have high moral standards and I'm proud of what he made me become, and even several years of porn addiction can't take that away. But nevertheless, that sort of question on companionship I will never dare to ask him.
I don't expect anyone else to solve this problem and that's the hard part, the decision of whether or not to commit into this particular relationship is mine and mine alone. There will be uncertainty for whatever decision I end up with, and I sort of have to turn a blind eye to that uncertainty when I decide on this. It does feel good to let go some steam on one the most personal questions in my life even anonymously, but a lot of work still remains to be done. I also want to see simply what spending the summer separately does to us. It may sound weird that it would bring us closer to each other, but if my hypothesis, that letting "new beginnings" mentality pass will make things better in the start of fall, it's one argument for it.
So once again proving that just getting started is often times the hard part. I started with an empty mind and then poured a wall of text onto this post when I just started to process the things on my mind now. I understand that this is probably not very useful thing for others to read and doesn't have that much to do with PMO but hey, my thread my rules (to certain extend), I suppose.
See you tomorrow
Dantes
