Discovering my potential through rebooting

Dantes

Member
Thank you Fappy and Redalc! Yeah I agree with getting complacent, I feel like I'm on the first real plateau of this reboot. I won't call it flatline, as I see many guys here on a real flatline and they seem to be getting into pretty dark places with their thoughts. For me, it's rather that my progress is stagnating for the first time. I feel like I don't have the time or the energy for all the things I want to achieve right now. It might be that I'm trying to do too much at once, which is something I've ended up doing several times in the past.

Day 75

So three fourths to a hundred, currently days are going by rather quickly. Another very busy day, Went on to play tennis right after work and got back home at 8pm, and now I'm just laying down and relaxing for the rest of the evening. Still trying to find that determination I mentioned that I'm searching for.

See you tomorrow
Dantes
 

Dantes

Member
Day 76

Days are zooming by. After work I had briefly time to make dinner and then went straight to tennis court. In one way I find this the perfect life for some period, but on the other hand I'm not making progress professionally even though that's what I would find most fulfilling. But you can't have everything at once. No struggles with PMO today, haven't even had time to think about PMOing.

See you tomorrow
Dantes
 

Redalc

Active Member
Aren’t these days the best. When you are so busy being productive that you don’t even have time to think about struggles. Keep it up man!
 

Dantes

Member
Agreed Redalc! Even though I mentioned plateauing, I still feel that I'm more certain of myself not relapsing, i.e. I'm beginning to grow more confident in my ability to stay clean. Especially when my days are filled with activities. But obviously, staying alert and mindful is as important as ever. Next weekend I'll be spending with my friends and will probably get drunk. And as mentioned earlier, hangover days are risky days for rebooting. So no reason to get complacent yet.

Day 77

So today I felt piece of it. In the first post I mentioned how I want to renew that spark inside, that for me represents being alive. So I went climbing with a close friend who I haven't seen for a while. We never talk that much on serious matters, but once we were driving home, the sun was shining and he played this new song he heard, I felt almost stunned. It was a vivid vision of rays of sunlight passing through the bridge we were driving on and I thought about nothing, I was just one with the moment. I think it was compilation of not listening to music for a while, good weather, seeing a friend after a while and something else. So yeah, feeling pretty poetic and sentimental about it. I don't even want to reduce this experience by comparing it to PMO, it was so amazing. Sort of like the ending in the movie Sound of Metal.

For a guy like me, the first instinct in these situations is usually to feel remorse and judge myself for wasting so many years of my life on something that prevents me from having these experiences. But right now I don't feel that. I feel grateful for myself, for persisting after so many failed tries. The contrast of grey existence during pmo life with the vividness of this feeling of being alive makes my feelings today all the sweeter. I may relapse tomorrow, after 90 days or after a year, but I promise myself this: I will never give up on breaking free from porn.

As you can tell, I'm feeling pretty good today. Perhaps this sounds a bit overwhelming or even frustrating for someone in a hard place, but it's truthfully how I feel right now. But I can't stand still right now, got to keep moving forward, slowly but surely, and to wish for more pieces of life to come.

See you tomorrow
Dantes
 

Dantes

Member
Day 78

So back to the grind, or rather flow of typical days after yesterday's bliss. Nothing wrong with today either, did a lot of work today and exercised + played sports for 3 hours in total in the evening. My newfound sports-heavy lifestyle makes it a bit easier for rebooting imo, as I'm always too tired at the end of the day to relapse. Starting tomorrow I'll be spending the weekend with my friends and may skip a day or two and add up the posts later. But we'll see tomorrow.

Dantes
 

Dantes

Member
Days 79, 80 and 81

So weekend was pretty fun, met some friends I haven't seen for a while. Today some hints of more urges, but nothing too tempting. Starting from tomorrow the week will probably again take me forward with great momentum with work and exercise.

See you tomorrow
Dantes
 

Dantes

Member
Day 82

As I predicted, today I didn't have that much time to think about rebooting and thus no urges today. As I'm feeling more confident in my ability to abstain from porn, I'm still unsatisfied with my current productivity level. I haven't been keeping up with my "real life journal" for about a week now. I don't progress in my projects outside work. And that is the goal really, to realize the potential I neew to be able to sustain higher level of productivity over time. It's quite late already today, but tomorrow I may have chance to do something about my projects.

See you tomorrow
Dantes
 

Dantes

Member
Day 83

Another pretty busy day. I've felt quite energetic throughout the day, which I'm happy to see. Just before writing had some odd urges where my brain went: "why whoudln't I PMO, what harm would it do?" and even instinctively started moving my hand towards my pants. Damn. So the threat of relapse is still there, and all it will takes is one harmless slip or peak and the streak is lost. So after all, we can never let ourselves get complacent with rebooting. We are addicts, and for addicts there is no middle ground. The dopamine wiring of unhealthy porn and masturbation tendency in our brain will exist probably forever and though it will get weaker and weaker, only one relapse will light it up again.

See you tomorrow
Dantes
 

Redalc

Active Member
Day 83

Another pretty busy day. I've felt quite energetic throughout the day, which I'm happy to see. Just before writing had some odd urges where my brain went: "why whoudln't I PMO, what harm would it do?" and even instinctively started moving my hand towards my pants. Damn. So the threat of relapse is still there, and all it will takes is one harmless slip or peak and the streak is lost. So after all, we can never let ourselves get complacent with rebooting. We are addicts, and for addicts there is no middle ground. The dopamine wiring of unhealthy porn and masturbation tendency in our brain will exist probably forever and though it will get weaker and weaker, only one relapse will light it up again.

See you tomorrow
Dantes
It’s frustrating isn’t it. Realizing that the urges won’t ever go away, instead it’s more of a continual determination to remember the consequences of giving in and fighting back against giving into those urges.
 
Day 83

Another pretty busy day. I've felt quite energetic throughout the day, which I'm happy to see. Just before writing had some odd urges where my brain went: "why whoudln't I PMO, what harm would it do?" and even instinctively started moving my hand towards my pants. Damn. So the threat of relapse is still there, and all it will takes is one harmless slip or peak and the streak is lost. So after all, we can never let ourselves get complacent with rebooting. We are addicts, and for addicts there is no middle ground. The dopamine wiring of unhealthy porn and masturbation tendency in our brain will exist probably forever and though it will get weaker and weaker, only one relapse will light it up again.

See you tomorrow
Dantes
Exactly, you got the whole picture of what we're dealing with. The addiction works like this: We have a brain chemical reaction to a stimulus. Which means we get a dopamine release in relation to porn. If we want to look at it this way: Porn is a button we push to release dopamine. Then the solution becomes clear: We need to starve the addiction to death and dopamine is how we feed it therefore we can't push the button. Porn means watching it, thinking about it, visualizing it, flashbacks, having sex thinking about porn, masturbating thinking about porn, wishing we could watch porn. All those release dopamine, the dopamine of porn I like to call it.
 

Dantes

Member
Thanks for the responses Redalc and Escape! It really reiterates the importance of keeping the motivation for rebooting constantly in our minds. That is where I think these journals are so key, so we get constantly reminded of why we need to stay clean.

Day 84

Very similar day to ones before this, went to work and afterwards played tennis. Now spending the rest of the evening alone with the computer, which is a bit risky but right now feels manageable. It's easy to tell that this is my longest stretch without ejaculating for a really long time, as the urges are starting to find their way inside my head. There is no optino but to fight back, keep distracting myself and think about something else.

See you tomorrow
Dantes
 
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