3 weeks in after discovering my ED was from porn

Ricky62

Member
So, I am 62 and have been dealing with ED for several years and had no idea at all that my porn use was a major contributing factor. I have some physical reasons to have ED and had been using tadalafil for several years with mostly good success. However, live for my wife and I became extremely stressful over the past few months and I lost the ability to get up for sex even with the meds. I found the tube sites 5 or 6 years ago and would use them when the wife was menstruating (she's 47 and not yet in menopause) I would also occasionally go there for PMO when life got in the way of actual sex. Little did I know the harm I was doing to myself.
Like many, what I watched had become more and more extreme and distant from what I would usually be turned on by. I focused on compilation videos that focused on the male orgasm and actually starting thinking that I was bisexual (I'm not)because I was so focused on that aspect of the videos, so I moved to gay and bi porn, which is when things really started to go downhill. I got to the point that I couldn't even get hard with that and around that time I found YBOP and a light went off in my head. OMG! this was me to a T!
For the past several years I noticed that my penis had little of the sensitivity it used to have and I could barely even get aroused with my wife performing oral and I definitely could not O that way. My member had also gotten ridiculously small and when flaccid it looked like a that of a child. My wife is now pre-menopausal and gets a bit dry, so I would always get some lube when it was time for penetration and I got to the point where I would quickly put it on hoping not to lose my erection before I was inside her. If I did, it was over. 
That would leave me feeling inadequate and her feeling like she couldn't turn me on any more. I had tried everything I could think of (shockwave treatment, meds, prostate stimulation, supplements) and nothing was helping.
So, after I read everything I could about PIED, I went to her and told her everything and to her credit, she has been incredibly supportive. It is hard for her to understand, because to her, porn was ok and she could use it now and then and be fine, but I now know for me it is like being an alcoholic, I can never go back to porn again. Tomorrow will be 3 weeks with no PMO and I am already sick and tired of this flatline that started before I even stopped PMO and before I knew what was happening to me. 

At this point I rarely have morning wood, but I do get some 50-60% stiffness erections during the night some nights. My wife snores and so we sleep in separate bedrooms, but every night we go to bed in the same bed together and cuddle and most nights she falls asleep in my arms and then I'll take her to her bedroom. This has been happening earlier in the evening lately because of some medical problems she is dealing with and her libido is way down as a result also. So, in the past, that would be my time to PMO and it is the time when the urges come on, but so far, I am staying strong and avoiding temptation. I was seeing a hypnotherapist for some other issues and when I realized what was going on with me, I told her everything and she taught me some very powerful tools to stop that voice in the back of my head that tries to get me to relapse. It also helps with with the much harder task of keeping the memories of what I have watched in the past from coming back to mind.

When my wife and I first got together 12 years ago, we would have sex VERY often and I am desperate to have the ability to be that man for her again. I know this has been rambling, so I'm going to stop here and just say thank you to the mods for having this forum and hopefully in a month or three I can report some real progress.
 
Ricky, welcome to the place where you will  get better, if you put in the work. Im proud of you for making the choice to get better. Your story sounds absolutely identical to mine. My wife and I sleep in different rooms and because of my porn addiction,  we don't have sex at all. I think mostly because I'm afraid of being intimate,  and not getting it up.  I also have  strange  taste of videos.  Gay videos , and im not gsy. I just need more and more dopamine,  and that's what gives it to me. I can't even get erect watching videos anymore.  That will all change though.  Stay strong brother and remember,  porn is no longer an option. We are better than porn.
 

Ricky62

Member
The sad thing is that my wife and I were still having regular sex when I could get it up, but I would have to fantasize about the porn scenes I had watched to get there. I am so ashamed of that and know it will take a while for me to be ready with just the sensations of touch and excitement of having her close.
Last night we were cuddling in bed and I could tell that she was getting aroused, so we kind of dry humped and she asked if she could give me oral which I agreed to, knowing that I wouldn't be able to get erect. I hope that's not a bad idea. I did totally relax and just try to not think about getting erect, which I didn't and made sure I was only thinking of her and the little sensation that I can feel. I have heard others mention with their partner, they were able to start rewiring with contact with a partner even though they were still not close to ready to be able to get up just by physical stimulation.

It was a lovely experience either way. I hope it doesn't set me back. I don't feel like it did anyway.
Best of luck and stay strong.
 
Ricky,

You and I are in the same boat! Great sex life with the wife, used porn when sex was unavailable and then got out of control. It took a while for me to figure it out the cause of my ED, and even with pills I was having issues with erections. I came clean to my wife too, since she was having those same feelings your wife was having. She didn?t believe me at first but she reluctantly agreed to go along with my little experiment to see if it would help. I have been PMO free for almost 6 weeks. For my age  (44), I was hoping I would fall under the 6 week reboot process... hoping for the best but expecting the worst.

I too have read that intimacy with your partner would help with the reboot. So that?s what we did, a couple times a week we would cuddle, kiss, fondle, and I would bring her to orgasm with oral, toys, etc... totally concentrating on her while knowing damn well I wasn?t getting hard. It was very enjoyable actually. I was in flatline for about 10-14 days. Then it happened.... one night during petting snd foreplay I felt it, my sensation was coming back, I looked at her, grabbed a cock ring and put it on to see if I could keep an erection and boom! We had sex! Good sex too! She was very pleased to say the least. About a week later the same thing happened! This time I took the cock ring off half way into our session since it got too constricting (it?s a button on strap so easy to remove) and we finished without it. Another hot and sexy session! The other night I went for it and initiated sex again, the nerves came back as I was worried i may not be able to perform, but I was back in full form! Not one, but two sessions back to back before we went to sleep! This time no cockring at all! I went all natural!! She is very happy as am I! And I feel our marriage is righting itself back to the way it was!

Now I am not telling you this to brag or anything like that, but to tell you that you are on the right track! I was hopeless, didn?t know where to turn and in a severe depression. When I realized the cause of my issues, I dedicated myself to the reboot! And it is definitely working! I am almost 6 weeks in and I am seeing results... good results. It?s not easy though... I love porn, and I love pleasing myself, but I can?t do it because it overtakes me. I?m struggling every day with temptation, but my overall goal is what?s more important. I track my progress daily with an app I found, I meditate, I work out now, it all is helping. I also began being intimate with my wife during my flatline... enjoying her and focusing on her pleasure. I would encourage you to continue doing that. There is a light at the end of the tunnel my friend, remember that! Don?t get discouraged, you will come out of the flatline and start seeing results. Everyone?s timeline is different, but it will come!
 

Ricky62

Member
Definitely sounds like my situation indeed. At this point, I am starting to wake during the night with  ~60-70% hard erections 4-5 times a week, but they don?t stay long. I have been using a pump that the doctor recommended before I realized what the main problem was. With the pump, I was able to get hard enough to M to O with no fantasy at all. I  know some will say I shouldn?t M at all, but I don?t think it set me back and definitely boosts my confidence, which has taken a beating over the past several months. I am still 100% P free and the tools my therapist taught me have really helped me ignore the temptations to revisit past porn scenes in my mind. I look forward to being able to get hard enough for penetration with my wife, but in the mean time, our cuddle time at night has become a real bonding experience for both of us. Glad to hear someone in a similar situation is making progress. Thank you for sharing!
 

Ricky62

Member
Almost 5 weeks in and I?m a bit frustrated. I?ve been PMO free, other than that one MO with no fantasy a couple weeks back. I have no desire to look at porn and I?ve been 99% successful at keeping my thoughts free from any memories of previously watched porn. I get erections during the night 3-4 nights a week that range from 50% hard to a few that were 90%. But during waking hours, nothing, even though I cuddle with my wife every night and sometimes it progresses to petting, I?m limp as can be. She laid me on my back and lightly stroked all over my body and it felt amazing, but no erection. There were times when she was doing that when she would stroke my chest that I would have involuntary contractions of the pubic muscles that normally would cause your penis to become harder, but it laid there flaccid.

I feel like my body and serotonin receptors are in flatline, but my frontal lobe still wants sex quite badly.
 
Please don't get discouraged.  That's part of your brain messing with you. It wants you to go back to porn to feel normal.  Your addiction wasn't  done in one day, neither will your recovery.  Just stay on the right path and things will get better. Don't give in to it.  You are stronger than that.
 

marco_60

Active Member
I am the living proof that rebooting works, R62: however, look down since how long I started to reboot! It takes time, believe me, as other mates wrote here our brain is slow and needs time to "rewire". We are almost the same age, I will soon become 61.
From your posts I also get the  impression that you are too anxious about your sexual life. For my own limited experience, during reboot it would be better to look at other aspects of our lives, e.g. other ambitious goals different from sex. I am sure you too have such ambitions. This helped me a lot also in getting a better sexual life. Indeed, during the past four months I did not think at all about sex, and I succeeded having good sessions with my girlfriend. Also,this morning I went for shopping, in the queue there was a woman with tight pants: well, I got hard when she bent to take her stuff from the basket and give to the cashier. Something I did not experience since long....
 

Ricky62

Member
Thank you Wasted Years and Marco. I needed to hear that. I do think that I have developed a lot of performance anxiety that has resulted in my ability to stay hard. There were a bunch of failed attempts before I realized I had PIED and I?ll ultimately need to work on that. I also may still have some physical restrictions as well. I have had a prescription for daily use cialis for several years but during this reboot I refuse to take them. I am hoping that with brain resetting I won?t need them, but I won?t know that until I?ve given enough time for a full reboot.
I need to remind my lovely wife that I love her stroking my body, but I need her to avoid my penis for now. Every time she does, I can?t think of anything other than the fact that it doesn?t make me hard. That probably isn?t helping my performance anxiety.
 

Ricky62

Member
Six weeks in and I am still porn free. I have masturbated a few times without any porn or visualizing porn scenes, but I don't think that is holding me back. (or maybe it is and I'm in denial) I am having more erections at night, but still have serious PE when I am with my wife. We cuddle every night and last night she started to fondle me and it felt wonderful, but I immediately start thinking about whether I'm starting to get hard or not and then wondering why I can wake with spontaneous erection but can't get hard with her touching. I did come a little closer last night, but nowhere near hard enough for sex. It is nothing to do with her. I am incredibly attracted to her and we have had amazing sex in the past, but once the PIED really kicked in and I couldn't even get hard with tadalafil, I really started to develop anxiety and a mental block over it. We cuddle every single night and I love that, but I really need to relax and not stress about it. Hard to do when I know she is missing us having sex. I was able to bring her to orgasm with my fingers, but someday I hope to be past this crap.
 

Ricky62

Member
Things are going terribly. I have remained porn free still. I am having more morning wood. I can just think about sex with my wife when I am by myself and get hard and even M to O with no visual stimulation. BUT...as soon as I try to actually be with my wife, the same thoughts do nothing. As soon as we lay in bed to cuddle or spoon, my thoughts immediately go to "I need to get hard, why am I not getting hard, she is touching me and why am I not getting hard, etc" It completely and totally shuts my penis down. I can do things for her, but I know she is disappointed that we cannot have PIV sex. I am fairly certain that the fact that I had several failures before recognizing that porn was hurting my erections, has given me overwhelming performance anxiety that is now causing the ED since I haven't watched porn in nearly two months.

I am also nearly suicidal over one more issue. Back a few months ago, I came out to my wife that I had been having bisexual thoughts and fantasies for quite some time. When I realized that I had PIED and read all about porn shaping sexual preferences, I reassured her that those feelings were just from porn. However, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I had been having those thoughts and fantasies since my teens (40+ years ago). At that point, I certainly had seen some "plain vanilla" porn magazines from time to time, but never looked at gay or bisexual content. During my first marriage back in the 80's I did fantasize about having sex with men sometimes when I was with my wife. Certainly, that pre-dated the free availability of porn that is available today.

So, now I don't know if I am bisexual or not. I seem to fall into the #2 on the Kinsey scale and only think of men as sexual partners and not emotional or romantic partners. I am, have been and will continue to be 100% monogamous with my wife who I love and find very sexy, but I cannot shake the thoughts about not being able to perform. Today we even tried to get things going by her engaging with my fantasies and talking dirty to me about bisexual situations and I was still totally unable to get erect enough for PIV. Unfortunately, that makes her feel like she cannot turn me on and that I really want to be gay and will eventually leave her for a man which is the furthest thing from the truth.

We also as a couple have had a lot of stress in our lives lately. She was hospitalized for 5 days in Feb and had daily outpatient treatment for another month. She also recently had to have back surgery, although she has recovered from that for the most part. My business was in jeopardy for a few months, but now is booming, so I just don't understand why my brain is still acting as if it is in fight or flight (sympathetic) mode which is completely the wrong state to be in for successful erections.

I just want to open up my head and take a scoop and scoop out the parts that are f****ng me up. I know I'm rambling and I don't even know if anyone will read this. I've not gotten any response to any of my posts after the first two. AAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!
 
J

J01

Guest
Can understand why you feel disappointed but make sure to keep things in perspective-your wife is on board with you and supporting you, your business is back on track, and you have what seems to be a good streak of 70 days or so going. Give it some more time and keep going!
 

bob

Respected Member
Please hang in there. It does get better. Keep loving her and putting her first.

Peace
 

Ricky62

Member
So things go badly. Wife is really not on board and continues to equate my penile response to whether I am attracted to her or not. That has led me to severe performance anxiety. I can get erect at this point with simply thinking about sex and have night time erections every night, but when I try to penetrate, I lose it. I am simply trying too hard and need to have a few successes but she is not willing to be flexible in how we get things started. She is expecting me to be able to get it up and stay hard with the light stimulation that once worked and I simply need a different start for a while and she says she doesn't like that and has taken sex off the table entirely. I am pretty much on the verge of becoming suicidal again. Not there yet, but I am depressed and have lost my once solid optimism that our marriage would last forever. Life sucks.
 

Fappy

Respected Member
Sorry to hear of the PE. You need to get it through your wifes head that its not because of her being unattractive or whatever, and that she needs to help out. Perhaps suggest something that would involve her sexual stimulation more? If her complaint is that she doesnt like it try something new! Toys, different stimulating apparatus, costumes, animal masks, etc.
Assure her that its not her and get her on board!
 

joepanic

Well-Known Member
It may also be time to see the doctor. Your dr may be able to point you in the right direction for therapy or something. i find no reason why she could not be more supportive since she had used porn herself in the past and you have told her everything about your problem with it. Does she know you might be becoming suicidal?
 

Ricky62

Member
Now because I admitted my gay sex fantasies (70% of heterosexual males have these) My wife has lost her love for me and is taking about leaving me. The thoughts did not diminish with quitting porn and they were there before high speed porn or really and use of porn by me, however I have no desire to actually carry out any of these fantasies, in fact the idea is repugnant when I am actually in the presence of a man. My wife has always been a gay porn fan, but me telling her that I had these thoughts, combined with my Performance Anxiety ED have made her say that "she can never see me the same way again and will never trust me and is taking about leaving me. This is insane! I've never ever had any sexual contact with a man and never would. I am broken. This woman is the love of my life and now I am utterly gutted. I haven't slept in days. My wife has OCD and once she gets a thought in her head, it's hard to get it out. I don't know how to fix this. I have been the most devoted husband to her despite her mental struggles. Her makes her have unspeakable thoughts that make mine pale in comparison and yet she is destroying me because of my thoughts. Her only concern is that I don't blow my head off. I am not suicidal at this point and if I said I was, it would be emotional blackmail and only drive her further away. I am utterly, utterly broken.
 

casanova

Member
I'm sorry to hear that! When I hear such stories I think that indeed porn should be forbidden. I'm wishing you all the best there, keep us posted!
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
Really sorry to hear this. I think you and I have a lot in common. I also have a wife who thinks all of my ED is about her. I know for sure it's about my porn use. However, I have decided to move forward with my recovery without telling her. She knows I use porn, probably not to the extent that I have, but she knows. I will tell her at some point that I no longer use it and I'm hoping it improves our chances for a sex life. She would react very much the way your wife is reacting. I have had same sex fantasies since being very young, but it has always been about the penis and not the man. I have been with a few guys and I could go down on them and have them go down on me, but I couldn't kiss them, cuddle with them, etc. It just doesn't work that way for me. I tried at one point to let my wife know this but it was a very loose conversation where nothing was really admitted. She got a lot like what you describe about your wife. I quickly dropped it and never brought it up again.

People who say the best way to go through this is with your partner might have different partners than we do. Not everyone is up for working through this stuff. You have to know your spouse and know how they will react. I have been with my wife so long, I know that I need to do this alone. It will benefit her and me in the long run or if our marriage doesn't make it, it will benefit me with someone else.

I have to say, that my gay sex fantasies haven't gone away either and I'm fine with that. I think I'm just comfortable with the idea of having sex with men as well as women. We are who we are. I don't know if I'll ever be with another man or a transsexual woman, but I'm not ruling anything out. I just know it won't be through a computer screen. It would have to be one on one.

I certainly hope things get better for you. You may want to seek counseling if you can. They may be able to offer you some tools to help you cope with all of this.

Sending positive vibes your way.
 
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