Day 61 - struggling, but need to keep going!

ukquit11

Member
Hi everyone,

I have never really been one for journaling my thoughts, but as I sit here on the morning of Day 62 of my streak, my temptation has never felt higher. So I?m putting my energy into typing this, in the hope that I can channel some of it. I will try to update this as much as possible with my journey. It is the first time that I have ever written or spoken about this at length, sorry if it is a bit long!

Background

I?m a 28 year old man from the UK. I would now consider myself a ?high-functioning? porn addict (if there is even such a thing). I have no health issues, eat well, play sports, exercise several times a week and have a good career.

However I now realise that I have definitely been affected by my use of porn. I have viewed it almost every day since I was 12 years old and learnt to masturbate when I was 15, incorporating that into my daily porn viewing ever since. For as long as I can remember (since very early childhood), I have always had a foot fetish. I have always viewed ?softcore? images of feet, browsed social media profiles etc, I have never been in to anything featuring actual intercourse or even nakedness, if anything, it disgusts me a bit!

This hasn?t helped me in the few real life sexual encounters I have had. I have had 4 in my life, all happening between the ages of 19 and 22. I never came once and couldn?t get it up at all in two of them. At the time I put this down to lots of other reasons (being drunk, girls not being attractive enough, girls being too heavy etc). Because all I had to go from was the limited softcore foot stuff I had always PMOed to, I just assumed that actual sex would come naturally once I met the right person, I had no idea what to actually do.

My last encounter was with my current girlfriend, who shortly after I learned was asexual and didn?t like sex at all. In my addicted state, this worked for me and gave my brain free license to tell me to PMO all I wanted (I had tried to limit MO at least as I thought it was death grip that was causing issues later on, but kept viewing porn).

In the 6 years since, I have kept escalating, progressing to hand fetish, incest, furry stuff, different genders and finally, paying for many different subscriptions on paid sites (though I could afford it). I knew in myself that something was very wrong, but just couldn?t stop my daily viewing.

Last January, I can?t remember how, but I discovered this site and other resources like YBOP. Nothing had ever resonated with me more. For the first time, I could understand why my sexual encounters had gone the way they had and why I couldn?t stop looking at porn every day.

I resolved to quit, but it proved very hard throughout 2020. I didn?t reach a streak of longer than 7 days. I went 30 days without MOing, but was still looking at porn every day. The lockdowns over here and the move to remote working gave my brain all it needed to tell me to stop fighting and give in to my urges to look at porn, as what else would I be doing? No one else would be looking?

I made a conscious effort to start again in January this year and made it 3 days before I relapsed again, on a work conference call. I thought I saw my work colleague?s feet briefly appear on screen as she sat down, then excused myself from the call, turned my audio and camera off and MOed to her hand play on the screen while the call was still going on. I think it shows how horrible this addiction really is that I felt humiliated, but really aroused thinking back to it whilst typing that sentence.

It was after that moment that I realised what I needed to do to stay clean. Previous reasons I gave myself for doing it (it?s not fair on the GF, I need to prepare myself if I ever have sex in the future) did not work in the slightest, because as you probably all realise, the addicted brain does not care about the rational mind!

I realised that I needed to do it for myself, to make myself a free man and be free of anything controlling me, rather than do it for anyone, or anything, else. For me, I have been better off for focusing on this and it has helped me to get to my current streak. Withdrawal symptoms are hitting me hard though, so I need something else to focus on, which is why I am starting this journal.
 

ukquit11

Member
Day 61

This has been one of my most difficult days so far. During this streak, my anxiety has definitely worsened and I have had some bad days with it and I have had porn flashbacks, porn dreams etc, but I have never really felt the urge to log on and PMO. Nothing could prepare me for today, however.

I felt a bit different when I woke up and my anxiety was definitely worse than usual. I willed myself to shop for groceries in the afternoon, but since we have had some nice weather in the UK, I saw the first bare feet of the summer, an attractive woman in sandals.

Since then, my withdrawal symptoms have been horrendous. My stomach felt like 10 different people are stabbing me repeatedly, I was sweating and was completely unable to concentrate at work (luckily I was at home and things are quiet at the moment). It felt like my brain was torturing me to give in, as it has done before, but I somehow managed to make it to the end of the day. My night?s sleep was probably worse though, I had some of the most vivid porn flashback dreams yet, it was like every bit of porn I had ever watched was appearing!

I woke up this morning (Day 62) not feeling much better, so I got around to writing this first journal entry, which has really helped. I?m going to take a long lunch and go for a long walk in the sun to clear my head. Sports start again tonight as well, which will hopefully help as well.
 

quitforeverthenwin2

Well-Known Member
Way to go on Day 61 - keep up the good work. To be pushing through the awful withdrawal you have, shows you are really committed to this and have had enough of dealing with the porn and fetish bs.

Keep up the good work - I can say things definitely get better. I am not 100% healed, but remember just what you are talking about, going from being really in the addiction to breaking free (in my case I never went back to where I was or close to it, though I still have issues with fantasy and mo) the withdrawal absolutely was horrible. Keep it up though - it is so worth it to get through. The fact that the withdrawal is so bad, shows that you were heavily in the addiction - but have tons of potential for improvement and healing. The porn and fetish BS is causing this pain, not the stopping
 

ukquit11

Member
quitforeverthenwin2 said:
Way to go on Day 61 - keep up the good work. To be pushing through the awful withdrawal you have, shows you are really committed to this and have had enough of dealing with the porn and fetish bs.

Keep up the good work - I can say things definitely get better. I am not 100% healed, but remember just what you are talking about, going from being really in the addiction to breaking free (in my case I never went back to where I was or close to it, though I still have issues with fantasy and mo) the withdrawal absolutely was horrible. Keep it up though - it is so worth it to get through. The fact that the withdrawal is so bad, shows that you were heavily in the addiction - but have tons of potential for improvement and healing. The porn and fetish BS is causing this pain, not the stopping

Thanks man! I agree completely, I know it will all be worth it to have a life free of this.

Day 62


Staying active yesterday helped me to feel much better. I had the long lunch time walk that I promised myself and went to my first sport practice session of the year. I had a bit of social anxiety yesterday during the session, but I think that was more down to the effects of the lockdown over here rather than the addiction withdrawal.

I still had the occasional intrusive flashback yesterday, but the exercise made it much easier to manage. I feel much better this morning and have a busier day at work so that should help me focus my mind. I'm not nearly out of the woods yet, but I hope I have more days like this!
 

ukquit11

Member
Day 65

Just coming to the end of Day 65 as I type this. Though overall things have been OK, my mood has been all over the place the last few days. I have been changing every hour from feeling on top of the world to feeling very anxious and worried about everything, with nothing in between. I also had another VERY vivid porn flashback dream last night. Fortunately, though I have had two in the last few days, these are getting rarer.

I also came close to my first slip earlier today. Someone showed me a mutual friend's recent Facebook post (whose profile I have regularly visited during PMO sessions) and 2 minutes later, I could not stop my brain from making me check the profile I have not seen for 65 days (at the start of this reboot, I unfollowed all of her updates and did this for practically everyone on my profile, as I knew that just deactivating my profile wouldn't work, I would just go back to it). The feeling was unbelievable, like the feeling we all know when we discover something new and novel during PMO sessions, but magnified by 1000 times, as my brain was preparing me for novelty the likes of which I had never come across before, and it was preparing to bask in dopamine.

I clicked on the profile, but managed to scroll down as fast as I could and shut down my phone. I am still shaking now and my heart rate hasn't returned to normal hours later. I am choosing to see this as a real positive though. When this has happened before, I went straight back to binging on porn. Now, I have no desire to whatsoever and I haven't looked at any other material. Instead, I feel scared of porn,  as I now truly realise what my years of porn use has done to me and how it is making me feel.

I feel more determined than ever to beat this horrible beast. Onwards and upwards! I will get there no matter what!
 

ukquit11

Member
Day 82

I am taking the personal approach to focus on providing sporadic updates on this journal and instead continue to focus on other activities to distract myself from porn, hence the gap between my posts.

Thankfully I seem to be over the worst of my withdrawal symptoms, as I haven't really had any problems for the last 10 days and have been able to overcome any urges quite quickly. It may be the relaxing of lockdown restrictions here in the UK that has helped with that, but either way I don't mind too much.

I know I have to stay vigilant and it's far from over, but I'm pleased with myself that I'm making progress.
 

ukquit11

Member
Day 90


Well I've made it to the magic 90 day mark! Withdrawal symptoms are barely, if ever, present anymore and although I really don't feel too different to how I did at the beginning of my streak, I do feel a sense of pride for making it this far (which is what I was aiming for really).

There are still challenges though, I'm fighting with my brain at the moment as it's telling me 'you've made it to 90 days so why not relax and take a peek'? Clearly that is not an option.
 

Dantes

Member
Congratulations on 90 days! I'm glad to hear that your withdrawals are staying at bay. 90 days is a remarkable achievement. What are your plans now or what is the next goal?
 

ukquit11

Member
Dantes said:
Congratulations on 90 days! I'm glad to hear that your withdrawals are staying at bay. 90 days is a remarkable achievement. What are your plans now or what is the next goal?

Thanks! I suppose I've not really thought that far ahead! I suppose my long term goal is to continue avoiding porn entirely, no matter what. I am enjoying the ability to dream more vividly and the morning wood coming back, now is my chance to discover what makes me 'tick'. I will keep abstaining from MO as well for the medium term as I don't think I am ready for it yet.
 

ukquit11

Member
Day 92

I'm in the middle of day 92 at the moment and struggling more than I ever thought I would be.

It is almost as if my subconscious mind has thought 'OK, he was only aiming for the 90 days, I'll tolerate it until then and then I'll make him binge again'. Urges have been relentless for the last two days and everything seems to be a trigger to relapse at the moment.

I have had to be really creative to avoid them, I am just about to completely reorganise my personal files so at least my hands will be doing something else. If I got through Day 65, I know I can get through this.
 
Stay strong dude. Think of the benefits you've received from abstaining from PMO and why you decided to do the 90 days initially. It's going to be hard to switch from having a goal of 90 days to then make it a permanent decision. You can definitely do it.
 

ukquit11

Member
Day 100

Made it to triple figures! I'm doing a lot better than I was last week, though I have had to beware of just how many cues are out there. This week, I have been triggered by a female friend's beach photo (which I didn't know existed) when adding her to a WhatsApp group and also by reading a news article, where a man quoted in the article had the same (uncommon) surname as an Instagram model I regularly used to PMO to.

Thankfully, I have been able to surf these urges well and they haven't caused me any trouble. It is quite frightening (though also quite fascinating) just how addicted I was without realising it. It gives me more determination to really overcome this, there's no way I'm going back to the way I was.

On another note, my Facebook news feed has been showing me daily marketplace notifications of women's shoes for sale. It is enough to make me think there is a conspiracy to keep us all addicted!
 

ukquit11

Member
Congrats man
Thanks man, I appreciate it!

Day 105

My streak is still going strong, but it is a real slugfest at the moment keeping urges at bay. Now it knows I am serious about giving up porn for good, my mind seems to be engaging a guerrilla warfare campaign against me. I now have to scroll quickly past my previous posts in this thread as my descriptions of previous porn use are serving as triggers. At the same time, today I have also been getting caught up in past body issues that I have had, which haven't been a problem for years, but were previous triggers for PMOing.

I am looking on the positive side and seeing it as my brain running out of ideas to make me go back to my old ways. It is still quite unpleasant though (however I am still feeling a lot better than I was 5/6 weeks ago). This is without doubt the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, but I remain committed to a lifetime without porn.
 

ukquit11

Member
Day 106

Nothing much to add today, except an accidental glimpse that has given me a pounding headache that I am still recovering from.

At work, part of my job is running my team's social media accounts. These days, I stay completely off them and logged out unless I absolutely have to log in (responding to an engagement etc). This afternoon was one of those occasions. Upon logging in to the Instagram account, the very first picture that appeared at the top of the news feed was a nude photo of a woman that the account is following (she was covering her boobs and vagina).

I work in what could be termed a very boring industry and the account's followings are people that I would never have remotely expected anything like that from. I closed it down immediately and just burst out laughing, I couldn't believe it, you couldn't make it up! I suppose I would have been in heaven this time last year though, I really can't think of anything more novelty than that :ROFLMAO:
 

Dantes

Member
Your posts are really motivating, keep posting! Happy to see you strive even after more or less unexpected hurdles.. :LOL:

I think your post-90-days -urges are a great wake up call for anyone and showcase the kind of constant vigilance is needed to master rebooting. Also happy to see you striving past that 90-day post, as one would think after that the benefits start accumulating more and more. Best of luck in your new life without porn.
 

ukquit11

Member
Day 115

I relapsed today. I couldn't handle the chaser effect from the first wet dream of my reboot on the night of Day 113 (which included a brief PMO theme) and had two 5 minute PMO sessions this morning. So it's back to Day 1 from tomorrow.

I am remaining positive though, as this has been 115 less days this year of viewing porn, compared to 15 prior years of almost daily usage. I now have the experience of facing a new enemy in my brain's fight to keep me addicted and know its tricks. As long as I remain focused and beat the chaser effect over the next 7 days, I know I can rack up an even better streak. I take full responsibility for the withdrawals etc I may now face going forward but I will face the challenge with a renewed sense of positivity and determination. I know that I need to be prepared for a lifetime of dealing with this, but I feel confident about doing so.

One thing I am also looking to do is reduce my 'mindless browsing'. During my last reboot, I have been mimicking my porn usage by browsing random (non porn) Youtube videos etc. I think this has been my brain's way of replacing the novelty that I had with porn and I don't think this has helped me. I am now planning to use the internet only when absolutely necessary and for a specific purpose (for work purposes, looking at store closing times etc) and keeping my phone in a different room each day. Hopefully, this will also help a bit
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Wow, this is a big one for you.

First of all sorry for the slip. I hope you push through the chaser effect and get stable again soon. Recovery is worth everything.

Pull in to your first motivations, read success stories,watch YouTube videos they'd help you in this area.
 
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Fappy

Respected Member
Dont beat yourself up over that, it was still a great acheivement. Just watch out for the chaser effect becuase your brain will now try to trick you in all sorts of sneaky ways to get you to fap yourself into oblivion again. stay vigilant, stay clean!
 

ukquit11

Member
Thanks for your words of support guys. I am feeling encouraged this morning; I had the same vivid, enjoyable non-porn dreams I have been having during the later parts of my streak last night and after waking up this morning, I had absolutely zero desire to PMO. When I have relapsed previously, the first thing I have reached for upon waking up is my phone to look at porn.

Still a long, long way to go of course but this has shown me that my work in changing my routine has had success, I don't want to throw that away. As you have said, just got to watch out for that chaser effect now!
 
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