Hi everyone,
The purpose of this post is to write the story I haven't talked with anyone before I never even acknowledged porn as such a big deal. I felt there is some problem but the effects where not so obvious to me. This addiction never caused some great catastrophe or I just get used to live on a minimum level, not fitting anywhere or with anyone. I just thought I am like that, shit happens, what can you do? You play along the best you can.
That is what I did for many years.
My contact with porn started somewhere about the age of 10. It was 23 years ago, just a simple interesting experience. But due to some other problems in my life it has became my get away. Not only this. I stayed away from the drugs and alcohol, but used other legal substances like tobacco for about a year until my head really didn?t handle it good, and headaches become to often. There where cigarettes for a few years, binge watching and computer games. But all of theme where temporary and I never felt really addicted to them. I laughed that struggle with pornography protects me from other less healthy (that was what I thought) addictions. Because I didn?t feel that porn, affects my body, in contrary it gave me the power, the energy, as the coffee and everyone drinks coffee, what is a big deal? I didn?t see the psychological effects. As mentioned in that video from Gary Willson, it was my ?water?. I thought it has to be like that I didn?t see that I have created my mind state.
It was harder for me to see it because dopamine rushes where and still are highly activated by many other things. Music, coffee, tea, any easy. Coffee and tea are very strong for me, they give a really nice shot of dopamine. I really wondered is it normal? People say about one addiction generally, and I can say I am feeling normal daily substances as mentioned coffee, tea, chocolate, as a dopamine rushes. Lately I read a book about behavioral addictions and it made some sense. It is not so uncommon to replace one dopamine source for another, the effect counts, and probably my brain is starving very often.
I?m am struggling/fasting for years. I had many longer or shorter periods I didn?t use porn. The longest one was lasting more than a year, many times it was for few weeks or month, but at some point, I went back to it. Because if it was quite similar experience to drinking coffee (ok, a bit stronger, but really quite strong/strong enough for me) how could it be that bad? Or is drinking coffee that bad? So, what can you do if you cannot drink coffee or tea because your body reacts on them similar to them as it reacts on porn
I don?t know exactly what went wrong so after more then a year of absence I just went back to the addiction quite naturally and I know (maybe I am wrong) that what makes it so difficult in my case is a cocktail of emotions storming my head every day. I don?t know what was first, but probably unfortunately the ?cocktail?? My porn troubleshooting method probably just made it deeper and even more complicated then before. Life did its part too, surely it is more complicated now than it was for a 10-year-old boy.
While I?m writing this, I hear to loud music. It gives a background when my head is starving again after another relapse. But lately I started to understand that the problem is really complicated, like a chameleon as someone mentioned on this forum. For me it changes shapes and attacks from many different directions, and many forms so I read more to reinforce myself in this never-ending story. At least, I don?t see the end of it, but maybe I never get to the point of 2 or 3 years of no porn stimulation, maybe this fight has much more rounds and should be really treated very seriously, maybe I at last should acknowledge, I got out of control, but this is not a natural state, it is not the ?water?, it just seems to be.
At the end I wanted to express my gratitude for all those people sharing and helping on this forum, just a little THANK YOU for this place, and other places, without it I and probably many other would still sink in this water, without at least the awareness that it don?t have to be that way.
Thank you for reading and giving me the chance to confess myself for the first time in my life. It is maybe not the same as real life conversation, but I suppose it maybe next step on this long road to complete reboot. I don?t want to get used to it and I don?t want to stay in this fight forever and I am afraid I got used to it to. The state of struggle became something normal and that is what I want to stop now and that is why I am searching for more info than I gathered before.
I got addicted, but this is not my last word. Fingers crossed for my next round and for all of you who got knocked down
One of my favorite quotes from Rocky Balboa:
?Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!?
Best wishes friends, much luck strength and health, keep up a good work and? GABE DEEM.
Thank You so much! As Neo said "I need guns lots of guns" and you give this "artillery" for those who needs it to keep up and stay strong. Thank You!
Jacek
The purpose of this post is to write the story I haven't talked with anyone before I never even acknowledged porn as such a big deal. I felt there is some problem but the effects where not so obvious to me. This addiction never caused some great catastrophe or I just get used to live on a minimum level, not fitting anywhere or with anyone. I just thought I am like that, shit happens, what can you do? You play along the best you can.
That is what I did for many years.
My contact with porn started somewhere about the age of 10. It was 23 years ago, just a simple interesting experience. But due to some other problems in my life it has became my get away. Not only this. I stayed away from the drugs and alcohol, but used other legal substances like tobacco for about a year until my head really didn?t handle it good, and headaches become to often. There where cigarettes for a few years, binge watching and computer games. But all of theme where temporary and I never felt really addicted to them. I laughed that struggle with pornography protects me from other less healthy (that was what I thought) addictions. Because I didn?t feel that porn, affects my body, in contrary it gave me the power, the energy, as the coffee and everyone drinks coffee, what is a big deal? I didn?t see the psychological effects. As mentioned in that video from Gary Willson, it was my ?water?. I thought it has to be like that I didn?t see that I have created my mind state.
It was harder for me to see it because dopamine rushes where and still are highly activated by many other things. Music, coffee, tea, any easy. Coffee and tea are very strong for me, they give a really nice shot of dopamine. I really wondered is it normal? People say about one addiction generally, and I can say I am feeling normal daily substances as mentioned coffee, tea, chocolate, as a dopamine rushes. Lately I read a book about behavioral addictions and it made some sense. It is not so uncommon to replace one dopamine source for another, the effect counts, and probably my brain is starving very often.
I?m am struggling/fasting for years. I had many longer or shorter periods I didn?t use porn. The longest one was lasting more than a year, many times it was for few weeks or month, but at some point, I went back to it. Because if it was quite similar experience to drinking coffee (ok, a bit stronger, but really quite strong/strong enough for me) how could it be that bad? Or is drinking coffee that bad? So, what can you do if you cannot drink coffee or tea because your body reacts on them similar to them as it reacts on porn
I don?t know exactly what went wrong so after more then a year of absence I just went back to the addiction quite naturally and I know (maybe I am wrong) that what makes it so difficult in my case is a cocktail of emotions storming my head every day. I don?t know what was first, but probably unfortunately the ?cocktail?? My porn troubleshooting method probably just made it deeper and even more complicated then before. Life did its part too, surely it is more complicated now than it was for a 10-year-old boy.
While I?m writing this, I hear to loud music. It gives a background when my head is starving again after another relapse. But lately I started to understand that the problem is really complicated, like a chameleon as someone mentioned on this forum. For me it changes shapes and attacks from many different directions, and many forms so I read more to reinforce myself in this never-ending story. At least, I don?t see the end of it, but maybe I never get to the point of 2 or 3 years of no porn stimulation, maybe this fight has much more rounds and should be really treated very seriously, maybe I at last should acknowledge, I got out of control, but this is not a natural state, it is not the ?water?, it just seems to be.
At the end I wanted to express my gratitude for all those people sharing and helping on this forum, just a little THANK YOU for this place, and other places, without it I and probably many other would still sink in this water, without at least the awareness that it don?t have to be that way.
Thank you for reading and giving me the chance to confess myself for the first time in my life. It is maybe not the same as real life conversation, but I suppose it maybe next step on this long road to complete reboot. I don?t want to get used to it and I don?t want to stay in this fight forever and I am afraid I got used to it to. The state of struggle became something normal and that is what I want to stop now and that is why I am searching for more info than I gathered before.
I got addicted, but this is not my last word. Fingers crossed for my next round and for all of you who got knocked down
One of my favorite quotes from Rocky Balboa:
?Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place, and I don't care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!?
Best wishes friends, much luck strength and health, keep up a good work and? GABE DEEM.
Thank You so much! As Neo said "I need guns lots of guns" and you give this "artillery" for those who needs it to keep up and stay strong. Thank You!
Jacek