intimacyoverporn
Member
I started my journey to recovery almost 2 years ago. I used to watch porn every day multiple times a day. My girlfriend would wonder why I didn't want to have sex. I mean here I am with a beautiful woman in my bed but all I could think about is pixels. I was stubborn and denied having an addiction. "All guys watch porn, what I'm doing is normal." I would say. Porn was in my life since I was 11, by 15 I was already a heavy user. Eventually I began to realize this was an issue. I began my fight summer of 2019.
My first attempt I went three months, but eventually I began to seriously miss it. I would get FOMO and relapse. "What if I'm missing out?" I'd think. There was so many triggers, Instagram and Twitter being some of them. I couldn't escape sexual imagery, even on TV and advertisements! After a few spouts of sobriety, lasting one to three months, relapsing every time I began to realize that although I was porn free I would play in that middle circle territory ie. looking at pretty girls instagrams and twitter accounts. Although not technically pornography, I wasn't giving myself the proper release from sexually charged imagery that I needed. So of course, I bought a flip phone. The flip phone helped but I still had an iPhone laying around, all I needed was a wifi connection. Eventually I deleted my instagram account and began being less of a smart phone addict. Thats when I switched to watching porn on my laptop.
In the beginning of the pandemic I had a job which kept me mostly distracted. I would go a month or so without watching it before relapsing which wasn't too bad for a user of 10 plus years. Around September I got laid off. This is where the true struggle began. I would start off relapsing once a month but having a lot more time on my hands that became twice a month. I made it a New Years resolution to not watch porn but this year has been the hardest. My latest struggle is getting past the 2 week mark. It has been a week and a half since my last relapse, and my girlfriend still thinks I've gone all year without it. My sex drive was lower than usual although sex never ceased to be amazing. After my last relapse I realized I craved intimacy although I was stuck in a loop. My porn use created a low sex drive, my low sex drive pushed me to seek porn. "How do I stop this cycle?" I thought. By replacing this bad habit with a better one.
My new habit is being a thoughtful, giving and better lover. Since this realization we have made love five out of the seven days this past week. I have not felt a single urge since replacing porn with intimacy. Love will get me through this, love will always conquer. I am so lucky to have the support of a loving and caring woman. When she met me I a porn addicted boy with an obsession for his phone. She has made me a man, freeing me from the grips of indulgence.
Although this story doesn't have an ending, it sure has hope.
My first attempt I went three months, but eventually I began to seriously miss it. I would get FOMO and relapse. "What if I'm missing out?" I'd think. There was so many triggers, Instagram and Twitter being some of them. I couldn't escape sexual imagery, even on TV and advertisements! After a few spouts of sobriety, lasting one to three months, relapsing every time I began to realize that although I was porn free I would play in that middle circle territory ie. looking at pretty girls instagrams and twitter accounts. Although not technically pornography, I wasn't giving myself the proper release from sexually charged imagery that I needed. So of course, I bought a flip phone. The flip phone helped but I still had an iPhone laying around, all I needed was a wifi connection. Eventually I deleted my instagram account and began being less of a smart phone addict. Thats when I switched to watching porn on my laptop.
In the beginning of the pandemic I had a job which kept me mostly distracted. I would go a month or so without watching it before relapsing which wasn't too bad for a user of 10 plus years. Around September I got laid off. This is where the true struggle began. I would start off relapsing once a month but having a lot more time on my hands that became twice a month. I made it a New Years resolution to not watch porn but this year has been the hardest. My latest struggle is getting past the 2 week mark. It has been a week and a half since my last relapse, and my girlfriend still thinks I've gone all year without it. My sex drive was lower than usual although sex never ceased to be amazing. After my last relapse I realized I craved intimacy although I was stuck in a loop. My porn use created a low sex drive, my low sex drive pushed me to seek porn. "How do I stop this cycle?" I thought. By replacing this bad habit with a better one.
My new habit is being a thoughtful, giving and better lover. Since this realization we have made love five out of the seven days this past week. I have not felt a single urge since replacing porn with intimacy. Love will get me through this, love will always conquer. I am so lucky to have the support of a loving and caring woman. When she met me I a porn addicted boy with an obsession for his phone. She has made me a man, freeing me from the grips of indulgence.
Although this story doesn't have an ending, it sure has hope.