My journey to be a better man.

[guitar1968]

Today I'm starting my reboot. Yes, I've done it before. But today I'm committed.

I'm 53 years old and have been using porn since I was very young. So, my whole life. Things exploded for me with the internet as I'm sure it has with many.

I work from home and am self employed which has made it even easier to escape into porn every day. No one watching me, it's my computer, my private office with a door. I can take a break anytime I want and look at porn and masturbate. Lately I look more than anything because even on my own now it's harder and harder to get and keep an erection and harder to orgasm. The porn I watch is increasingly more disturbing and I am no longer enjoying it, I just feel horrible about what I'm doing. I also waste way too much time looking at it.

Here's my plan.

1. Exercise more
2. Eat better
3. Replace my porn breaks with either more work or by playing and writing music
4. Spend more time in this forum and other sites posting, writing and sharing. Hopefully this will help me feel like it's not just stuck inside my head.

Wish me luck. Best of luck to you all as well.

 

[guitar1968]

Very important to note that I am looking for an accountability partner. I would prefer someone in their fifties who is struggling like I am. A lifelong addiction to porn with a very deep interest in finally beating it.

Thanks in advance.

 

[J01]

Hi Guitar-congratulations on making this commitment to improve your life! 

I strongly recommend that you get the book Your Brain On Porn or at least visit that website.  Getting a grasp of the neuroscience behind this thing is very important.  In addition to helping you being more informed it will greatly encourage you.

That is great that you have already set out a plan.  Keep moving forward and don't be overly alarmed at some early difficulties.  A good journal for some practical tips is How Shall We Escape by Phineas 808.

Looking forward to reading of your progress!  Stay with it, and stay in touch! 

 

[guitar1968]

Thanks for your encouragement. I have gone through a ton of material on the Your Brain on Porn site. I actually did that the first time I tried to quit. I made it 6 months that time, but just slid back into my old ways. I'm determined this time and I decided to use this site as a place to post, comment and journal about what's going on.

 

[Phineas 808]

Welcome, guitar1968!

I know what it is to struggle with this thing for decades, and am closer and closer to seeing this thing in the trashbin of history for me!

We're here to encourage you on your journey, and help each other out.

As jixu said (and thanks, brother!), there's plenty of resources in my journal, particularly on page 1, as well as the journal itself.

A question about working from your home, are you alone at home during this time? Or is your wife/family home, but your door is closed?

Be well.

 

[guitar1968]

Hi Phineas. Thanks for your reply.

I am not home alone. My wife is also here working from home, but we work on different floors of the house. My daughter has also been home this entire school year so it was much harder to find time to watch porn but boy, I always find a way. When you are addicted to something there is always a way to get your fix.

I'm embarrassed to say that I would masturbate with my daughter two rooms away. I'm really trying to put this behind me, but I truly have been addicted since I was a child. I'm worried that even if I quit, I'll never get it out of my head. 40 years of seeking out porn and with the total ease of getting it the last 20 has really fed my addiction.

But, I'm counting days. I'm exercising and I'm focusing on other things. I can't live the rest of my life sneaking away to look at increasingly shameful porn.

This site will really help. I can't tell you how much better I feel just admitting here on line that this is a problem. I've been a master of covering my tracks for years. I've been close to getting caught, but have managed to keep it under wraps. The relief of leaving my office and not worrying that I accidentally left a porn site open for a family member to find is amazing.

 

[Nick Simons]

Hey guitar-1968, welcome and know that you are among friends and brothers in arms here. 

My advice is that you see this as a totally safe place where you can be 100% honest and where you can hopefully lay down the burden of shame you have likely been carrying for a long time (as I did) because you are not alone - there are a ton of us who are where you have been and who have finally escaped from porn prison to a much much better place ... where you can really live to your fullest potential.   

Stay strong bro ? and reach out at any time.

 

[Phineas 808]

You're welcome, guitar.

The reason I ask is to see what angle you can use this as a tool for self-change. I suppose that whether they're home or not is secondary, but I would change things up a bit, just to throw off the habit-patterns. I would do your office work with your door open. This not only invites trust, but it also undermines the secrecy and shame this thing thrives in.

If your daughter is too energetic, runs around, and this seems impractical- then maybe we can think of a different approach. Or, what I do (as it's become habit for me to leave my office door open), is if I have to really focus- or I'm on a call- I'll shut my office door for that time.

I know what you mean. When my daughter was younger, I was in the next room (my office) watching something- and she came to my office to tell me her fish had died... You can't imagine how symbolic that was for me, almost like I killed her fish by my nefarious behaviors...

I want to encourage you, brother, that 40 years or not, you will change your habits, and you will clear your head of this stuff and be that man that you already are, deep down inside.

 

[guitar1968]

Thanks Nick! I really appreciate your welcoming comments. Yes, this place has been great even though I'm just beginning. I have never felt like I could talk to anyone about this and just writing it here feels like a relief. I plan on checking in as many days as I can and updating my progress.

Hey guitar-1968, welcome and know that you are among friends and brothers in arms here. 

My advice is that you see this as a totally safe place where you can be 100% honest and where you can hopefully lay down the burden of shame you have likely been carrying for a long time (as I did) because you are not alone - there are a ton of us who are where you have been and who have finally escaped from porn prison to a much much better place ... where you can really live to your fullest potential.   

Stay strong bro ? and reach out at any time.

 

[guitar1968]

I really appreciate your comments and ideas. My daughter is 15 and usually in the next room doing her school work so I don't have to worry about a young child running around disturbing me. Yes, the office door open really does keep things a little more honest. I am on calls a lot and have a dog, etc. So it's not always possible. But any tool I can use to not open up a new browser tab to take a porn break is worth trying.

Very happy with everyone's support so far. Thanks!

You're welcome, guitar.

The reason I ask is to see what angle you can use this as a tool for self-change. I suppose that whether they're home or not is secondary, but I would change things up a bit, just to throw off the habit-patterns. I would do your office work with your door open. This not only invites trust, but it also undermines the secrecy and shame this thing thrives in.

If your daughter is too energetic, runs around, and this seems impractical- then maybe we can think of a different approach. Or, what I do (as it's become habit for me to leave my office door open), is if I have to really focus- or I'm on a call- I'll shut my office door for that time.

I know what you mean. When my daughter was younger, I was in the next room (my office) watching something- and she came to my office to tell me her fish had died... You can't imagine how symbolic that was for me, almost like I killed her fish by my nefarious behaviors...

I want to encourage you, brother, that 40 years or not, you will change your habits, and you will clear your head of this stuff and be that man that you already are, deep down inside.

 

[guitar1968]

Just a quick update. I decided last week that I had enough and really had to buckle down and stop this madness. I know I'm just at the starting point but I want to use this journal as a way to see how things are going and to keep track of my successes and hopefully very few or no failures.

The weekend was great. Busy, I kept away from porn and I feel fine. I'm sure the urges will kick in as I go through my work week. My need to take a porn break will be calling. I hope to suppress it, work more or take some type of health break instead.

Fingers crossed.

 

[guitar1968]

Feeling good today. Tomorrow will be a week. I'm not going to do the daily count of days. I have the date when I started with the first post in this thread and I'll mark certain milestones. Probably weekly at first. Let's see how things go. I'm now reading The Easy Peasy method. Hopefully that will help. My biggest fear is not the inability able to stop. It's that after over 40 years of doing this, that I won't be able to reverse the effects. I don't have another 40 years to turn it around. But I'm hoping that is not the case. Once I get further down the road, I'll see how I feel.

Have a great day everyone.

 

[Nick Simons]

Hey Guitar-man,

Glad to hear you are at the 1 week milestone!  I actually found this to be a big milestone for me - because 95% of the time this was as far as I could get - and the few times I went past this stage I felt I was in rarified air and and had "skin in the game" not wanting to lose the momentum I had invested (so that helped sustain me even further).

For what its worth, I found the Easy Peasy book was super helpful for me.  Most specifically because it caused me to totally reframe the whole recovery process away from my continual thoughts that I was in some way having to "lose a bunch of things" (falsely perceived "benefits") and more towards the thinking that I was actually on a heroic journey to "escape something" (something really bad that actually had zero value ... and was in fact preventing me from all kinds of incredible benefits).  It also, helped me to go "all in" in my escape process (emphatically saying "never again") vs. just "trying" (passively). 

Keep up the great progress!

 

[guitar1968]

One week today. Feeling good. I've done a week many times though. I've also done longer, but not many times. I truly want to be done with it all. This time I am super focused and really enjoying being part of this forum. The last time I really did well was using a lot of the info on sites like this, but I never got in and told my story and interacted with anyone. Just writing about it is making me feel so much better and reading what everyone else is going through also helps.

I am half way through the Easy Peasy Method. Thanks Nick Simmons for that. I got that from reading your journal.

Looking forward to life without porn. Stay strong everyone!

 

[guitar1968]

Well, it's day 8 and honestly today has been hard. There were several times where I almost opened my "porn" browser unconsciously. I felt the vibration down below and the pull was really extraordinary. I didn't but the last 7 days was just easy. Today it almost felt a little like physical pain to not go through with it.

Yikes. I'm glad I fought it off, but I now know I have my work cut out for me.

 

[guitar1968]

I never really understood just how many images I would be exposed to during my daily work life. I'm a graphic designer/web designer. I have to use stock photos and other images and videos all the time. I was searching for some basic images today of a person standing in tall grass and of course, tons of those pictures were of women with barely any clothes on. One was this beautiful black woman in panties and a white shirt. No nudity. I was just about to throw it all away right then. I had to close the browser window very quickly.

This is what makes it hard to quit. We are surrounded by these kind of images all the time and man does it set bells off in my head and crotch.

Ughh... Not going to be easy. Only on my 8th day.

 

[Nick Simons]

Hey Guitar ... I know what you mean - images everywhere ... and these have been hardwired into your brain to "naturally" lead to certain actions to "feed the beast". 

But these images and trigger are totally capable of being hacked and rewired ... yes it takes some time - but all it takes is just 1 little victory (like you had today), then take some time to reset yourself / get rebalanced (would strongly suggest you look into meditation - Headspace app is quite good), and then you will start to learn how to disassociate from the image / related feelings so they fade and eventually are quite manageable so they can be discarded. 

To quote Morpheus, "don't think you can, know you can ... eventually you need to learn the difference between knowing the path and walking the path." 

Stay strong amigo.

 

[jjacks]

Good job, guitar, keep posting. It gets easier over time. I faced a similar situation - working from home in a very private location, wife working from home on a different floor. What worked for me was (1) get rid of the triggers to PMO and (2) write as often as possible in this journal. The big trigger - the private office. I moved my office to a ground floor enclosed porch, in front of windows facing the street and in full view of my wife. My excuse was that I needed a change of view. That forced me to keep my clothes on. I deleted all my password-enabled accounts. Then I wrote in my journal on this site, often, and counted the days, including the reset. It worked. Over time normal functioning came back, bit by bit. It has been 4 1/2 years no PMO and sex is as good as it was when I was younger. (I turned 72 a few months ago) I still come back here from time to time yo remind myself that I cannot let myself slip back.
Keep up the good work and keep posting.

-jj (1641 days no PMO)

 

[Phineas 808]

Hi, guitar!

Use those moments to learn of how those images cue you toward former behaviors... here is your opportunity to 'hack' into these behaviors and change them!

Instead of running for the hills, take a moment when you encounter an image. Take time, avert your eyes, but check your pulse, notice it's increase, and your rapid heart rate, your shallow breathing. Be like an outside observer, watching yourself, but (and this is important!) nonjudgmentally.

Begin to breathe slower, deeper. Check your vitals again, and notice you calming down.

What your learning is, despite the 'trigger', you're always in control. It's not the outside stimuli we encounter, but what we do with it from within.

You can outlast and breathe through any urge...

 

[guitar1968]

Great advice. Working out of the private office does help me as well. I use my laptop when I can. Unfortunately, I have a lot of Zoom meetings and it disrupts the whole house when I'm on those calls. But, I can't pull up porn during them either! So, being in online meetings is a big help.

Good job, guitar, keep posting. It gets easier over time. I faced a similar situation - working from home in a very private location, wife working from home on a different floor. What worked for me was (1) get rid of the triggers to PMO and (2) write as often as possible in this journal. The big trigger - the private office. I moved my office to a ground floor enclosed porch, in front of windows facing the street and in full view of my wife. My excuse was that I needed a change of view. That forced me to keep my clothes on. I deleted all my password-enabled accounts. Then I wrote in my journal on this site, often, and counted the days, including the reset. It worked. Over time normal functioning came back, bit by bit. It has been 4 1/2 years no PMO and sex is as good as it was when I was younger. (I turned 72 a few months ago) I still come back here from time to time yo remind myself that I cannot let myself slip back.
Keep up the good work and keep posting.

-jj (1641 days no PMO)