My journey to be a better man.

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
120 days. Not perfect days. Not days without serious cravings. A few days of MO. But absolutely no PMO. No porn masturbation in 120 days. I think the thing that I'm most surprised by is that I truly feel like I don't need to do this everyday any longer. None of it. I used to think that even if I could get away from porn I would still have to masturbate every day. I just don't. The cravings and feelings that I need it everyday have gone away. I know that I'm not out of the woods yet. It's so easy to get pulled back in. But to have made it this far is still blowing my mind.

I guess there is not much else to say. I'm going to keep at it. Keep checking in here for now especially if I feel the demons trying to sneak back in. But I'm on my way and I feel great about it. It's been several weeks since my last MO and I think I'm going to try to go for a much longer streak now. I just think the best way for me to continue to heal is to really stay away from all of it for a while. I wanted to go hard mode when I first started but I didn't succeed. This time I'd really like to make it 90 days with no PMO, no MO and no stumbling on some porn on Twitter and hesitating just those few extra seconds. Click out and move on. I'm going to go back through my thread to see when I reported my last MO. Then I'm going to count the days to see how far along I am on the path to a full 90 day hard mode.

Thanks to everyone who has helped me get to this point. Reading others journals on here I realize that we are coming from all different places in the world, in our attitudes towards politics, towards religion and so much more, but we all support each other in trying to beat this addiction. My journal here has been so helpful to me. I have kept a journal off and on for years, but that is truly just me. Here I get feedback, support and even friendship and most of all the knowledge that I am not alone. We are in this together. Stay strong and know that you all can beat this and we are all here to support you.
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
I just checked my journal and the last time I masturbated to orgasm was 20 days ago. So, 120 days no PMO. 20 days no MO. Now I'm just 70 days away from my hard mode goal. Hey, you've got to find the sunshine where you can!

I should probably say that although I am keeping track, I'm really not letting these goals drive my recovery. Goals are important for sure, but no matter what happens today, tomorrow or in a month, if I slip, I'm getting right back up. No more saying f*** it I'm giving up. Never again. A lapse doesn't mean going back to zero. I'm not sure why I'm writing this.. Probably just to convince myself!!! But that's what the journal is for right?

Seriously though, I'm in such a better place now and happy to be here. Thanks everyone. I've written enough today!
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Hey, you've got to find the sunshine where you can!

I couldn't agree more, guitar! I don't know if you saw this recently in my journal, but in reference to an MO episode, I quoted David Vitale,

If I can eek out a win, it's gonna be a miracle, baby!

This because my ideal of a 'perfect streak' wasn't exactly perfect, but I wanted to go for the win, nonetheless.

Congrats on your 120 days of no PMO, and only being 70 days away from your hard mode goals!

And you're right, a reset to 0 doesn't mean exactly 0, because you don't lose all the progress you've been making. We 'fall' at the level we're at, so to speak. If, on the other hand, someone who fell (say, after 213 days), they haven't lost their progress. But if they begin to repeat the mistake, lapse (and it will be a very real possibility, especially if we blame circumstances, stimuli, and not ourselves, or we get too down on ourselves), then we will certainly begin to reestablish old behaviors, resensitize old neural pathways, and a bad habit is reborn! So, we don't immediately lose our progress, the danger not being so much in the slip-up, but in the repeating of the behavior... Needless to say, better not to slip up.

Proud of all your progress, and accomplishments.
 

Nick Simons

Active Member
Hey Guitar - I'm right there with you man on not getting overly invested in our goals. It is all about the process ... doing our best to get to our better place, celebrating the wins, accepting ourselves and our imperfections along the journey ... but without letting them define who we are or how we value ourselves.

Stay strong my friend.
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
I don't usually post on Saturdays and Sundays. The weekends have usually been the days that I didn't indulge as much. I am usually busy away from my computer, doing housework, yard work, family stuff, etc. But I was just opening my laptop downstairs with my wife and daughter upstairs and I had the briefest moment where my head thought about opening a browser to look at porn. It was very brief and a small, just a whisper in my head. The thing that was cool about it is that it is Sunday afternoon at 4:30 p.m. and I realized I haven't had a single thought about porn this weekend. No desires or thoughts at all. It is really amazing. And again, this little whisper that I felt was so small I barely acknowledged it. So I thought I should share it while I had a moment. This is a big thing for me. I'm finally feeling like I am beating this. It is fading, I'm not as desperate to get back to my old ways. It took over 120 days to start feeling this way, but I'm glad things are really getting better.

Have a great week everyone!
 

Nick Simons

Active Member
Hey Guitar, so awesome to hear you are experiencing a tangible difference in how you are thinking and what you are focusing on! As you have mentioned before, I also see many similarities between your journey and mine - still bumps on the road to deal with ... but they are becoming fewer and farther between. And every now and then the opportunity to pop our heads above the clouds and see how far we have come and what true freedom feels like presents itself ... and it is wonderful.

Keep up the great work amigo!
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
Thanks guys!

Feeling good again today. Music, work and family are keeping me busy and my mind is just not as focused as it once was on porn. It is a good feeling to finally be feeling free of it. I think I actually will not have a problem hitting 90 days hard mode. I just feel like I can do it now. So this is the next goal. After that we'll see. One thing for sure, no PMO ever again. That is the dream, the mantra, the hope, the desire and I'm looking to make it a reality.

Good luck to you all.
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
Did you find your accountability partner?
@Daveosh I have a few, but I am open to helping and being there for others. Just send me a DM if you would like to connect.

Not much to report today. I'm still riding the wave of feeling good about my journey. I woke up to some porn type thoughts this morning. Pretty vivid as well, but I just got up and started my day. It was very easy. I'm still be very cautious, but feeling pretty darn good.

There is a way out people. Just hang in there during the early days. I had ups and downs all the way through 90+ days but then things started to get easier. I have no idea if the strong cravings will come back, but as of now they are just like a nagging itch, but a very small one. I hope to lose those last little bits in the next few months. But, I'll take it as it comes.

Have a great day one and all!
 

DavS

Active Member
3
@Daveosh I have a few, but I am open to helping and being there for others. Just send me a DM if you would like to connect.

Not much to report today. I'm still riding the wave of feeling good about my journey. I woke up to some porn type thoughts this morning. Pretty vivid as well, but I just got up and started my day. It was very easy. I'm still be very cautious, but feeling pretty darn good.

There is a way out people. Just hang in there during the early days. I had ups and downs all the way through 90+ days but then things started to get easier. I have no idea if the strong cravings will come back, but as of now they are just like a nagging itch, but a very small one. I hope to lose those last little bits in the next few months. But, I'll take it as it comes.

Have a great day one and all!
I welcome your help. I don’t know how to DM. (Sounds like dungeon master to me)
Is that in the letter icon?
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
Hey Gang, All good here. The days are flying by and I'm feeling fine. I'm not missing porn much and if I run into it on social it's very easy to walk away from. I actually get more aroused when I wake up from a sex dream or one of those not quite sleeping, but not quite awake dreams where sexual thoughts seem to linger. But they aren't throwing me off my path.

Relationship wise is another story. I don't have the time to go into detail right now, but being married is not easy especially with someone who has been addicted to porn for so long. I'm sure it plays a major role in the decline of our relationship. That along with the standard being married for so many years. We are just not the same people we once were and I'm not sure our goals align as much as they once did.

We'll see where everything goes, but I'm happy with my progress here. Hopefully this will help my marriage and if it doesn't, it will help whateer comes next. This is a big hurdle to get over and I feel like it is finally in sight.

Have a peaceful day my friends.
 

Noah

Member
I'm only 14 days without PMO, but the marriage thing is so far the biggest obstacle for me. Every time I feel like I'm doing well, I get a reminder of all the suffering I caused because of my addiction. I'm worried that she'll never be able to see me as anything else, and it actually impedes my progress since shame is such a trigger.

I like how you can separate your journey to recovery with your marriage difficulties. I'm going to use that as inspiration. Not that they don't need to be worked on, but that one shouldn't be dependent on the other. Thank you for sharing, and for your optimist, and for your success, which is an inspiration.
 

DavS

Active Member
Eric, I completely relate to your last post. The porn struggle and the marriage struggle are so intertwined, but we do have to work on both, for the benefit of both.
My wife is so fed up, I have to face the porn struggle without her support this time. Last time she was helpful and involved. This time I have to lean on this community more. I did succeed a few years ago, and can do it again. Hope is all I’ve got now.
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
I'm only 14 days without PMO, but the marriage thing is so far the biggest obstacle for me. Every time I feel like I'm doing well, I get a reminder of all the suffering I caused because of my addiction. I'm worried that she'll never be able to see me as anything else, and it actually impedes my progress since shame is such a trigger.

I like how you can separate your journey to recovery with your marriage difficulties. I'm going to use that as inspiration. Not that they don't need to be worked on, but that one shouldn't be dependent on the other. Thank you for sharing, and for your optimist, and for your success, which is an inspiration.
I am lucky that I didn't get to that point with my spouse. We fight enough about so many other things, this would have just made a huge mess. I know her. I understand how she operates and what her triggers are. This is my fight.

Doesn't sound like that is an option for either of your @Daveosh and @Eric N - the cat is already out of the bag at your homes. That certainly makes it more difficult.
 

DavS

Active Member
Do you feel like your progress against porn is helping you with the other marriage problems? Seems to me like it would. Indulging in porn take a lot of energy away from other aspects of life.
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
Do you feel like your progress against porn is helping you with the other marriage problems? Seems to me like it would. Indulging in porn take a lot of energy away from other aspects of life.
I wish I could say that it was helping in other areas. We are not getting along at all. We seem to have grown apart over all these years. We have different goals and different ideas of how we should live. It is exhausting. I just got fed up with myself over the porn issue and if I'm ever going to have a successful sexual relationship with my wife or any other person in the future, I have to get past this. That is my driving force. Marriages have so many places they can break down. Sex is just one of them. My wife is a very controlling person. She is always right and never thinks any of our problems have to do with her. I am to blame for probably 75% of our issues. I know that. I admit that, but I'm not to blame for everything and I get a little tired of being told that I am. It takes two people to tango.

Marriage aside, I'm feeling good about my progress on the porn front. Things are good. It's Friday and I'm 127 days without PMO, 27 no MO, and not really having any real urges to look at porn. So, my mind has settled so much in the last 30 days or so. I was struggling hard around 80 to 90 days and now it just feels like the fog has lifted. I'm busy doing other things. It just doesn't feel necessary right now. I just hope it keeps getting better and doesn't come crashing back down!!!

Have a great weekend everyone! Stay strong. You all got this!
 

JerryTX

Active Member
Guitar nice job! The marriage and wife roller coaster is real and I'm in a different situation but it's still a struggle. I totally agree that I'm on this journey to be a better man and kill this demon once and for all. I have done this and feel good about the progress to date. Like you I will have to continue to work on the marriage piece but it won't be easy and never has been. But I do know we can come through this together! Stay strong!
 

DavS

Active Member
Since you can’t talk to your wife about it, maybe you can talk to her about how some other self work is helping you change. I’ll bet your marriage is worth saving, and porn was f***ing it up.
 
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