My journey to be a better man.

[guitar1968]

Good job, Guitar! You're only 30 days away from your goal, and are 2/3'rds there!

Yep. I think I got this. I'm not feeling the need to stray. Looking forward to hitting the goal and then probably setting another goal. Not sure what that is at this point, but I do like having a goal to work on. Not using porn is not really a goal anymore. I'm not using it. When I hit 90 days of hard mode I'll be over 6 months porn free. I may do another 30 days of hard mode. Not sure. I may try to rekindle things with my wife and see where that leads. It may make things worse, but I'm ready to take responsibility for all of the issues with our sex life. I don't think I'll go into my deep addiction, but I will let her know I'm no longer using or masturbating. As I've stated many times on here, I never hid the fact that I used porn from my wife. I just never told her the frequency of my use or that I had become addicted, but I do want her to know that I'm not using and that I've learned just how destructive it can be and how it most likely played a big role in my issues in the bedroom with her. I want her to know that those problems had nothing to do with her and that I shouldn't have made her feel like she wasn't enough for me. I thought I was supposed to have a partner who did what porn stars do. I know that is not what a true loving relationship should be.

But, let me get to my 6 months of no porn and my 90 days of hard mode first. My head is clearing from all this nonsense and I'm happy where I'm at and where I'm heading.

Have a great day my friends. Stay strong.

 

[Ziggy116]

Yep. I think I got this. I'm not feeling the need to stray. Looking forward to hitting the goal and then probably setting another goal. Not sure what that is at this point, but I do like having a goal to work on. Not using porn is not really a goal anymore. I'm not using it. When I hit 90 days of hard mode I'll be over 6 months porn free. I may do another 30 days of hard mode. Not sure. I may try to rekindle things with my wife and see where that leads. It may make things worse, but I'm ready to take responsibility for all of the issues with our sex life. I don't think I'll go into my deep addiction, but I will let her know I'm no longer using or masturbating. As I've stated many times on here, I never hid the fact that I used porn from my wife. I just never told her the frequency of my use or that I had become addicted, but I do want her to know that I'm not using and that I've learned just how destructive it can be and how it most likely played a big role in my issues in the bedroom with her. I want her to know that those problems had nothing to do with her and that I shouldn't have made her feel like she wasn't enough for me. I thought I was supposed to have a partner who did what porn stars do. I know that is not what a true loving relationship should be.

But, let me get to my 6 months of no porn and my 90 days of hard mode first. My head is clearing from all this nonsense and I'm happy where I'm at and where I'm heading.

Have a great day my friends. Stay strong.

That is all so wonderful...I am so happy for you and how far you have come... Keep up the good work

 

[Phineas 808]

That sounds like a good game plan, Guitar, including rekindling things with the wife.

Wishing you the best on all fronts.

 

[guitar1968]

Short post today. All good here. Not feeling cravings, just getting on with my life and am very happy about it. I've got a full weekend planned and the next week is busy as well. Keeping busy is the best thing for me. There is always something better to do with our precious time than spending it all on porn.

Have a great weekend everyone. Stay strong. Stay positive. Have fun.

 

[JerryTX]

Yep. I think I got this. I'm not feeling the need to stray. Looking forward to hitting the goal and then probably setting another goal. Not sure what that is at this point, but I do like having a goal to work on. Not using porn is not really a goal anymore. I'm not using it. When I hit 90 days of hard mode I'll be over 6 months porn free. I may do another 30 days of hard mode. Not sure. I may try to rekindle things with my wife and see where that leads. It may make things worse, but I'm ready to take responsibility for all of the issues with our sex life. I don't think I'll go into my deep addiction, but I will let her know I'm no longer using or masturbating. As I've stated many times on here, I never hid the fact that I used porn from my wife. I just never told her the frequency of my use or that I had become addicted, but I do want her to know that I'm not using and that I've learned just how destructive it can be and how it most likely played a big role in my issues in the bedroom with her. I want her to know that those problems had nothing to do with her and that I shouldn't have made her feel like she wasn't enough for me. I thought I was supposed to have a partner who did what porn stars do. I know that is not what a true loving relationship should be.

But, let me get to my 6 months of no porn and my 90 days of hard mode first. My head is clearing from all this nonsense and I'm happy where I'm at and where I'm heading.

Have a great day my friends. Stay strong.

Awesome job Guitar. I think you have a great game plan. Proud of your results and good luck with your wife. Lot's of similarities as my wife knew but not of the amount and extent. I also didn't go into the details but had the same conversation with her as your planning to have. It wasn't easy and without some angst but I do feel she and I have moved on to a better place. That's my prayer for you. Have a great weekend!

 

[guitar1968]

Great weekend. Sunday my wife and daughter were away for most of the day. I recorded a new song, did a video, watched a series on Netflix, had lunch.... you get the picture. Never thought about porn.

I still see hot women and I think about how nice it would be to see them naked, but I'm not dwelling on it. Probably more like a normal, non-addicted person would do.

So, things are good. Very busy right now so I may not post and comment as much on other threads this week. But who knows. I do like to chime in!

Have a great, successful, porn-free week everyone!

 

[guitar1968]

Another fine day yesterday. I'm starting a Keto diet, I could use to lose a few pounds, but I'm doing it for a specific health reason. The diet is very restrictive and I'm trying to really get into it. Using an app to track all my food, shopping for the right things and learning how to cook some new things. I wanted to start this a while ago but trying to get through the porn addiction and dealing with all those cravings, I wasn't ready to take on something else new. I started really exercising more consistently in April when I started the porn recovery and that was enough to keep me busy. Now I'm just about at 6 months of both of those two efforts I thought I could handle something new. Only on the fourth day, but feeling good about it. I'm going to stay on it for a month and see if my issues start improving. My condition is a tricky one so we'll see how it goes.

Besides that, all good. Trying to do better with work and with music. So much to keep me busy. No time for porn!

Have a magnificent day my friends.

 

[guitar1968]

Crazy busy week here. Which of course is good. Keeps the mind off of porn.

So, mainly things are good. I don't think about porn much at the moment, but I'm also not thinking about sex or feeling very sexual. For me, it is a very strange phenomenon. I have been so hyper sexual for as long as I can remember. Maybe it was the porn I looked at my whole life. Maybe this is the way I should feel. I don't know. It's definitely taking some getting used to.

My diet is going o.k. not as hard as I thought it would be. I need this for my health and medical issues so it is very important.

So many life changes in 6 months. I need to now focus on work more and getting things done.

Have a fantastic weekend. I may not be posting until next week. I'm playing a gig on Saturday, practicing tonight and tomorrow afternoon. Sunday will be yard work... you get it.

Keep strong, keep busy, have fun.

 

[JerryTX]

Crazy busy week here. Which of course is good. Keeps the mind off of porn.

So, mainly things are good. I don't think about porn much at the moment, but I'm also not thinking about sex or feeling very sexual. For me, it is a very strange phenomenon. I have been so hyper sexual for as long as I can remember. Maybe it was the porn I looked at my whole life. Maybe this is the way I should feel. I don't know. It's definitely taking some getting used to.

My diet is going o.k. not as hard as I thought it would be. I need this for my health and medical issues so it is very important.

So many life changes in 6 months. I need to now focus on work more and getting things done.

Have a fantastic weekend. I may not be posting until next week. I'm playing a gig on Saturday, practicing tonight and tomorrow afternoon. Sunday will be yard work... you get it.

Keep strong, keep busy, have fun.

Great job guitar! Love the story and determination and success of your life transformation! Good luck on your shows and keep kicking butt!

 

[guitar1968]

Well, I wish I was here with better news. Yesterday I slipped. Not exactly PMO, but some sexual which led me to MO which led me to believing it's time to reset the counter. I wish I was coming here with better news. I'm in a weird space right now in so many ways. The good news is that I don't feel like jumping back into PMO. I didn't wake up feeling like I should go back to porn and I am still feeling like I don't really need it. So, you ask, why did you slip? Good question. Again, not really sure, but I have a lot of things going on now that have just built up to an amazing week of stress. Work, relationship, preparing for a music gig with all new people, my new diet and my on-going struggle with chronic pain. Kind of a perfect storm. However, as I ventured down this path, I told myself you can stop now. No need to go any further, but then I actually decide to go ahead and let's say, finish myself off anyway. I have been having such a miserable time lately with my wife. I have been feeling completely asexual. Not much desire, not much of anything. My wife and I don't sleep in the same bed any longer because of something that has nothing to do with our relationship, but I'm still feeling amazingly alone.

I am pretty down right now. I don't want to be down. I want to feel good. I want to be positive. And, I will be. This is a momentary lapse and I will get myself back in the right headspace again.

What does it mean going forward? Right now I don't think anything changes. I masturbated yesterday. I don't think I'm going to go off the deep end. I feel fine about going right back to not masturbating. But I have many questions that need to be answered about my relationship and what is best for my overall mental health. I have a 15 year old daughter. She is the most important things in the world to me. I'm having trouble deciding how divorce or separation will affect her. I keep thinking she's getting older and will understand. But I don't really think that is the case. But I'm really having trouble living with my wife. We are so far apart now I can't see a way to close the gap. We have grown apart, we want different things in life and I don't know if I can be what she wants and right now she is not what I want.

I wish I was posting a much more uplifting message here on Friday. Sorry about that. Let me get through this weekend. Reflect on where I'm at. Take it one day at a time. I don't know if I'll start a "counter" over or not. I just don't know if counting days makes sense. Maybe if I feel like I'm really getting pulled back in again. We'll see. If I go right back to what I've been doing the last 6 months, you won't see me mentioning days again. If I really feel like I need to, I'll probably do what many of you are doing and work on mini goals.

Please have a great weekend. Don't be discouraged by my relapse. It's just that, a lapse. Not a huge one. Not a day long porn binge, but nudity leading to MO is right up there and I don't want to downplay it.

Stay strong. Peace.

 

[Phineas 808]

So sorry for your recent struggles, Guitar! I know how that 'perfect storm' goes, I've been there.

I won't offer any advice on the relationship front, I know it's a very sensitive thing especially when young people are concerned.

As for the lapse and counting days. This too is a personal choice about what makes sense for you in the moment. But I can suggest that- for me- if it were me- I have a 10 day probationary period (used to be 30 days, but do what makes sense for you), that if there were a repeat within that period of time, I'd then do an abstinence challenge (for myself, that would be 40 days to go for the quicker win).

If you need any encouragement, strength or advice, please don't hesitate to reach out! You can DM me here, or on either of our journals, and I'll look for it.

This needn't be anything as long as we own it (which you did), get up, and go on to greater victories.

 

[guitar1968]

Hey Gang, I'm back after slipping on Friday and then having a great weekend. So, yes, I had a lapse on Friday. Not full blown PMO, but enough that I can't ignore it and brush it off. So, I didn't really get too down on Friday and by the evening I felt fine. I felt great all weekend and I didn't even think about porn. So, the process continues to work. I may have slips and a few falls, but I'm not sitting here dying for porn or even feeling like I need to start back up. If that happens I'll really make some changes. At this moment, I think I'm going to just continue as I have been. I got almost 6 months and that doesn't just go away. All that mental work seems to be in place. And, man am I glad that it is. No struggles. I'll report back every day like I have been and if I feel things going sideways, I'll start the @Phineas 808 method from above. Since things have been going so well I think I will do a precautionary 10 probation period. If I feel fine through that, keep on keeping on.

So, all good here. No regrets. Things happen. We are sexual beings. Sometimes we feel like we need a release. Hopefully never to full blown porn and I plan on not letting go to other fantasies which led to my lapse on Friday.

The process works. Stay strong. Keep trying and never walk away. I think that is what will keep it working for me.

 

[guiganvoger]

Keep working that process! You have had 6 months of mental rehab and you don't just erase that with one MO. Sure, it can feel like a relapse, but you have had such amazing progress throughout and it will help to keep acknowledging that as you continue forward.

 

[guitar1968]

Things are still good. I'm feeling no bad effects from last Friday. I just got up and kept going. Busy with work and life. Still issues here at home with a partner that I no longer see eye to eye with, but that has nothing to do with porn. It's just years of pent up issues that should have been dealt with long ago.

So, the process works. I still no longer feel the need to PMO every day or every hour. Feeling happy to be moving forward.

Hope you can all keep moving forward as well. No matter where you are in the process. Lapses don't mean the end, they may just be part of the process. Keep reading. Keep writing. Keep trying. Every little bit counts.

Stay strong and have a great Wednesday!

 

[guitar1968]

All good here. Busy. So many things going on, porn is not a big deal any longer. I am feeling good after a week away from slipping a bit and I feel no ill effects from that lapse. I'm still feeling positive, not in need and not looking.

Also, my wife and I had a bit of an argument but then we settled down a bit and we talked. I told her that I am no longer looking at porn, that I had found Your Brain On Porn and that I realize that all these years I have been the problem with our sex life and I apologized and took 100% of the blame for all of our issues. I wanted her to be a porn star. She is not. She's my wife. We should be making love, not fucking like we're on a porn movie set. My expectations have been completely driven by growing up with porn. I didn't go into me believing I was addicted, just that I was done with it and I realized it has damaged our relationship the entire time we've been together. So, I'm not sure what will come out of it, but she seemed to feel good about talking to me about it. I'm not sure what more I can say. I told her if she feels like she can move forward and have a sexual relationship with me, I want it too, but I also understand that I have done a lot of damage and if she doesn't want to or needs to take time to figure it out, that is also fine.

New things going on indeed. Hoping things just get better from here. Losing the daily porn binges have been very good for me. I have a lot of other issues, but this is a big one and I'm really starting to feel like I have a handle on it.

Have a great weekend everyone.

 

[unchained]

You are quite impressive. Your journal serves as an inspiration...please keep sharing.

 

[guitar1968]

Nice weekend here at home with the family. Not much going on. I had a few erections upon waking up. I believe it was on Saturday and it was really a full blown, hard as rock situation. I'm only telling you all this because even though I have been waking with erections more lately I would put them at 70-80%. This time on Saturday I really almost masturbated. I'm still on the fence about whether or not the occasional solo session is bad or good, especially with no porn, but I ended up getting out of bed and starting my day. It's been weird how I'll have those moments of very charged and ready to go situations and then the rest of the weekend even if I think about masturbation, it just doesn't kick in.

I'm in a weird spot with all of this. I'm trying to rekindle things with my wife. Being more attentive. Hugging her and trying to kiss her every day. Trying ease back into intimacy. In fact, every time I do hug and kiss her I get aroused. So, that is all good. I'll have to get over the performance anxiety in my head if we get back to sex. That has been a big problem and as you all know it makes things much worse. But that's why I want to take it slow.

Anyway, not a bad weekend. Felt good to be very aroused, I'm not going to lie. I am still just in this place of questioning how I go forward. I absolutely don't want it to be with porn and I don't want it to be often, but I think the occasional MO might be helpful in some ways.

I'll keep you all posted. It's an interesting ride. Tomorrow is 180 days since I started this journal. 5 MO's during this time, one MO with close porn ties. Let's call it that. I never thought I could make it this far. Yes, bumps in the road for sure, but that is still amazing considering what was going on with me for so many years before.

Keep strong. Find the life that you want and make it happen.

 

[Phineas 808]

I'm feeling that, too, the weirdness going forward- with mixed messages about what I'm willing to allow or not, and what I know would definitely set me back...

Sounds like things are at least warmer for you on the wife-front, and so congratulations.

I'm sure you will find what works best for you, Guitar, concerning whether to MO or not to MO... There is that "Feed the Right Wolf" guy (name?) who advocates a kind of 'mindful masturbation', where one does it in the moment without fantasy, and of course without porn.

Either way, you're doing great!

 

[JerryTX]

Great posts Guitar and just catching up while being "off the grid" for the past week. I like your attitude about the "lapse" as I had the same emotions you did when I had mine. Good to hear you had a discussion with your wife. When my wife and I discussed this PMO topic it eventually led to a positive outcome. I think she appreciated my honesty and what I was trying to accomplish. This has improved our relationship as well! Hoping the same begins to happen for you. Awesome job on this journey and glad your doing well.

 

[jjacks]

Great to hear of your progress. Performance anxiety is a killer, but I found that once you start to perform once again, it dies its own slow death. You really just have to ignore it or laugh it off or whatever it takes to not let it get in the way. It took me several years to overcome it (I will reach 5 years no PMO in a few weeks). Just let the performance be the proof and focus on being the loving husband your wife needs, and that includes all the attention you can give her, not just sex.

As for MO, I have done so, maybe 3 or 4 times a year during the reboot. It doesn't seem to have impacted my progress. It helped to keep the tension low during times of infrequent sexual activity with my wife. Frankly, it wasn't all that good, just a release. On the other hand, my wife's sex drive has picked up again as my performance returned. So I haven't MO at all this year. Bottom line, the program works. Stick with it.
-jj