My journey to be a better man.

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
Well, I've been away and not doing well. Once you get sucked in it is very hard to stop it again. It's beginning to take up too much time in my life again and I'm feeling the same guilt and grossness already. This sucks. I feel powerless but I know I'm not. I need to wrap my freaking head around this awful addiction and find a way to stay focused.

Sorry for being a bummer. I'm struggling. I'm in a bad place in my relationship. I'm hungry for sex and I don't know how to go about that and that just leads me to porn and masturbation. Then I just feel gross. A little pleasure and then the brain comes back and I hate myself for letting it get the best of me.

Hope everyone else on here is doing better than I am. I'm hoping over Christmas I can get a better grip on this whole thing. With my family home and lots of distraction maybe I'll start feeling better.

Send encouraging thoughts and ideas. I'm open to whatever might work.
I feel you, man. Sexual frustration because of lack of sex is what seems to keep me connected with porn :(
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
I feel you, man. Sexual frustration because of lack of sex is what seems to keep me connected with porn :(
Yeah, it really makes it harder I think. Back when the wife and I were having sex all the time, my porn use was much more limited. Still there, still more often then it should have been, but without sex at all and no real hope of sex looking forward my head starts to tell me "screw it" but I don't want to be so beholden to porn. I wish I was one of those guys that every so often can enjoy some porn and masturbation and then go about their lives. I'm assuming those guys exist. But once I start back with it, I'm back in completely.

So I am back here instead of on a porn site right now. However, I'm still seriously craving the porn sites! Even though yesterday I disgusted myself yet again with what I was watching and doing enough so to bring me back here and yet I still want it. Addiction is a bitch.

I'm going to start using the tools I used earlier this year again. This being one of them. Coming here every time I get the urge to go "elsewhere". It helps me to read what other are struggling with and how they are coping. Also helpful to see who's succeeding and how.

Keep strong everyone. Know that you may fall, but there is always a way back. I'm searching for that way now, but I am here. That is the first step. I haven't been away that long. The last time I gave up I was back to porn for a few years. I don't want that again.
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Send encouraging thoughts and ideas. I'm open to whatever might work.

Hi, Guitar!

Today is your day 1 (or more if it is more)! Beat your most lengthy abstinence (from everything). Write that number down, and if it seems like an insurmountable goal right now, break it up into smaller goals.

Hold yourself accountable, and don't give on your 'red-line' behaviors. If I recall, your resilience seemed to waver (ever so much) when you started allowing for MO, is that right? I know that wasn't ideal either, but it may have been a feeding of the old habits...

Again, and on a deeper level, there were the ongoing issues with or in lieu of your spouse. This one's more tough, but at least you can identify when things could start going south. For example, I was in a mood just the other day because of a marrital conflict. But I caught myself by saying, It seems that this down mood is the precursor to acting out toward my (former) habits. I'll snap out of it...

In other words, establish a base line starting point. What behaviors are you not willing to tolerate from yourself?

Formulate a plan, one that worked before, or a new and modified plan reflecting where you're at now.

Hold yourself accountable without compromises.

Recognize areas where using is more appealing, and how to avoid, change, or work around those.

You're back here, and that says a lot, Guitar! Give yourself the gift of abstinence this X-mas, and yourself a Happy New Year!
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
Thanks for the advice @Phineas 808 - much appreciated. I will seriously consider all of it.

Yes, I made it through the day yesterday without PMO. I've had days and weekends during the last few weeks that I was able to abstain. It's keeping it consistent again that is tricky. But I'm here and this is how I was able to stay away from porn for the longest amount of time in years. I'll keep coming back. I don't have much time today so I'll just say that I want to be free from porn and I will continue on that journey. I've realized how hard it can be. I may slip up from time to time but I'm hoping to just get back on the horse as quick as I can when I do mess up.

Keep strong my friends. We all deserve a life without porn.
 

JerryTX

Active Member
Well, I've been away and not doing well. Once you get sucked in it is very hard to stop it again. It's beginning to take up too much time in my life again and I'm feeling the same guilt and grossness already. This sucks. I feel powerless but I know I'm not. I need to wrap my freaking head around this awful addiction and find a way to stay focused.

Sorry for being a bummer. I'm struggling. I'm in a bad place in my relationship. I'm hungry for sex and I don't know how to go about that and that just leads me to porn and masturbation. Then I just feel gross. A little pleasure and then the brain comes back and I hate myself for letting it get the best of me.

Hope everyone else on here is doing better than I am. I'm hoping over Christmas I can get a better grip on this whole thing. With my family home and lots of distraction maybe I'll start feeling better.

Send encouraging thoughts and ideas. I'm open to whatever might work.
Hang in there brother! As you said in my journal it sucks to get sucked back in. I haven't been watching P but I did so much with Psubs and edging it led to MO. So since then I have eliminated it....again... I know how you feel cause when I did MO to the PSUBs I was just feeling awful. Drained, frustrated, no motivation and realistically sorry for myself. Then I had to just reframe and refocus. You got this!
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
Hi All! It's Christmas week. I'm sure we're all busy with our lives trying to get ready for the holiday and trying to keep it together with our addiction. I'm here today which is a choice I made instead of looking at porn. I sat down at my computer and the urge to visit porn sites was very strong. Instead I first wrote in my private journal and now I'm coming here to get the ship sailing back in the right direction. I had a good weekend without porn thoughts in my head for the most part. I woke up yesterday with strong porn memories and a very hard erection. Took me by surprise a bit. But I got up and let it fade away. I'm still struggling for sure, but I'm here and not there. That's a win. I'm going to make the most of this week and not look at porn, no masturbation and I'm going to exercise and try not to eat too many Christmas cookies. That one might be harder than staying away at porn, but that is ok by me!

I'll try to check back in a few times this week. Hopefully with all good news.
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Grateful you're here, Guitar!

Looking forward to your good news, even if hard won!

Good work in dismissing the urges this morning!
 

otanerferguson

Active Member
I feel you my brother. Great ideas from the guys here. I would just add. Try doing something physical in nature. When your body moves, it's more difficult for your monkey mind to take over. Go for walks, take up woodworking, baking, painting or anything that makes you use your hands, build up a sweat, get tired... and above all, care about something else.
 

DavS

Active Member
Hi All! It's Christmas week. I'm sure we're all busy with our lives trying to get ready for the holiday and trying to keep it together with our addiction. I'm here today which is a choice I made instead of looking at porn. I sat down at my computer and the urge to visit porn sites was very strong. Instead I first wrote in my private journal and now I'm coming here to get the ship sailing back in the right direction. I had a good weekend without porn thoughts in my head for the most part. I woke up yesterday with strong porn memories and a very hard erection. Took me by surprise a bit. But I got up and let it fade away. I'm still struggling for sure, but I'm here and not there. That's a win. I'm going to make the most of this week and not look at porn, no masturbation and I'm going to exercise and try not to eat too many Christmas cookies. That one might be harder than staying away at porn, but that is ok by me!

I'll try to check back in a few times this week. Hopefully with all good news.
I hope we all have a great porn free holiday.
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
Checking back in quickly. Things have been hectic with the holidays and my main computer crashed. So I'm dealing with a lot of stuff and haven't thought much about porn. That's a good thing. It's been over a week and I'm just not being drawn in that direction at the moment. Hoping to build on this momentum. I've got a lot of stuff swirling around in my head these days. I'm about to turn 54, I'm a little burnt out with my work, my relationship is tough and I'm dealing with some chronic pain that will most likely be with me the rest of my life. I've been feeling like I need a change for some time, but I can't figure out what that change is or how to make it happen. I have a lot of ideas that come and go, but most of them aren't realistic. I have a daughter who is going to be 16 shortly. I love her and don't want to do anything to rock her boat. I keep thinking that maybe when she goes to college is my time to figure out what I want to do. I will always be here for her, it just might look a little different.

So, that's what's cooking with me. Hoping to get my computer back and working and move on to bigger and better things.

Stay strong. There is way more to life than porn. If I have learned anything in the last 9 months it's that.
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
Wow, it's been a minute. I wish I was back here to brag about all my success. Just not the case. Here's where I'm at and why I'm back.

I'm pretty much in a cycle of mini binges followed by days of inactivity. PMO for 2 or 3 days and then nothing for 5 to 8 days. It's honestly better then where I was last year when I began my journey here, but I can feel the pull to get back to full blown PMO every day. I don't want that to happen. Hence my return to my journal. I have to come up with a plan to combat all of the issues in my life. I'm going to list them here and then try to start working on them.

1. PMO - number one reason I'm here. I just need to get back to an extended time away from it. I'm going to make today the first day in that attempt. I'm not going to be doing a constant count of days. I just want to focus on keeping away from it all. If I fall, I fall. I'm at least still in the mindset to keep coming back here.

2. Eating Well - the holidays killed that and I haven't gotten back to eating better yet. My birthday was last Saturday and the last of the cake is gone. Holiday meals are behind us and it's time to start eating really good again. My health requires it. I have too many issues to let shitty food keep making worse.

3. Exercise - I've let this slack through December and January as well. I'm getting a few workouts in a week, but they aren't as intense and they aren't as often.

4. Meditation - I need to slow down my mind and focus on mindfulness.

5. Social Media - I have started to cut back already on my Twitter use, but lately I've gotten kind of addicted to Instagram. I just didn't see it coming. I find myself just going through Reels for so long, then finding hot girl Reels and then checking out all of their Reels. It's like a black hole and sometimes I feel worse after a long session then I do after a PMO session. Here's why. There is nothing gained after scrolling through Reels for an hour. At least if I masturbate I get an orgasm. I just feel let down and angry at myself for getting pulled into that crap.

6. Coming back here. Whether I'm deep in a binge or in a good place, it still helps to come and write about it. It helped me a lot last year and I'm going to continue Journaling here. I was going back and forth with a personal journal on my computer, but my computer crashed on Christmas Day (another fun thing keeping me busy) and I lost that Journal. So, the online one is accessible wherever I am, it's anonymous and the writing is really the key for me. I don't really even go back and read it unless I make a post specifically for that. And, I get the occasional encouragement from some of the fine folks here. That has been very nice as well.

2022 is in full swing. As this roller coaster continues to go up and down I know I will occasionally find myself at the bottom of a hill instead of on top. I don't want to stay down here long.

I hope to see a lot more of all of you again. Good luck on your journey.
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
I'm glad you're here, Guitar! I often think on your journey, and where you might be at.

I like your plan, and hope to stand by you through our ups and downs we may experience in the coming days.

I remember that you had some lengthy streaks last year, like the one you started off here with! I also remember how journaling here helped you so much. I also keep a 'hard journal' that I actually write in, which I've found helpful. If the 'computer world' ever came crashing down, we could just keep going... (with added stress, ha!).

Like yourself, social media is a major focus of my recovery efforts now. Phone use in general and social media have meant lengthier streaks for me, and continue to be integral for my journey going forward. IG is the most dangerous for me, as being so visual a person. But I have this use (back) down to 15 minutes a day. I monitor this, but a word of caution: please don't use IG's own time use or control, because it's deceptive. They only give you as a lowest 30 minutes, but after that time, they've already thrown all the bells and whistles at you (cues) to keep you addicted to their platform!

Understanding how social media keeps us addicted helps us to understand our own addictions, and how addiction or habits work.

I like all your ideas above, but I think the meditation and social media use are going to help so much, with the other things.

Be well.
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
Thanks @Phineas 808 - it's good to be back. I did a little better yesterday. No PMO but a little too much Instagram. I kept putting it down and then without even realizing it, my phone was back in my hand and I was scrolling through the reels again. It's madness. On Tuesday night I left my phone in the kitchen when I went in the living room to watch tv. I kept trying to pick up my phone, but it wasn't there. I made it a few hours before I went and got it. It felt good not having it with me. I think I'm going to start leaving it in other parts of the house when I'm doing things like cooking, eating lunch and dinner and watching tv. I have to break the cycle. There is zero value in this scrolling. And you all know it leads to nothing but bad behavior.

So, hopefully I can start my pattern of coming back here most days and avoiding porn. Keep putting my phone down and focus on other things. My head needs it. I cooked dinner last night and was very tired, but I did go down to my basement and had a good workout instead of just vegging in front of the TV all night.

Being mindful of what's going on and what is driving my bad behavior. Take a moment to stop and think before moving forward.

Good luck all. Keep up the fight. No matter how long you're away from here, you can always come back. It's a great feeling.
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
On Tuesday night I left my phone in the kitchen when I went in the living room to watch tv. I kept trying to pick up my phone, but it wasn't there. I made it a few hours before I went and got it. It felt good not having it with me. I think I'm going to start leaving it in other parts of the house when I'm doing things like cooking, eating lunch and dinner and watching tv. I have to break the cycle. There is zero value in this scrolling. And you all know it leads to nothing but bad behavior.

Exactly! And this is doing it, changing what you normally do. I like that you were reaching for it mindlessly, out of sheer habit. So, that was perfect having it in another room, making us more mindful. This is habit change, brother!
 
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Ihateporn

Member
Today I'm starting my reboot. Yes, I've done it before. But today I'm committed.

I'm 53 years old and have been using porn since I was very young. So, my whole life. Things exploded for me with the internet as I'm sure it has with many.

I work from home and am self employed which has made it even easier to escape into porn every day. No one watching me, it's my computer, my private office with a door. I can take a break anytime I want and look at porn and masturbate. Lately I look more than anything because even on my own now it's harder and harder to get and keep an erection and harder to orgasm. The porn I watch is increasingly more disturbing and I am no longer enjoying it, I just feel horrible about what I'm doing. I also waste way too much time looking at it.

Here's my plan.

1. Exercise more
2. Eat better
3. Replace my porn breaks with either more work or by playing and writing music
4. Spend more time in this forum and other sites posting, writing and sharing. Hopefully this will help me feel like it's not just stuck inside my head.

Wish me luck. Best of luck to you all as well.
i believe that exercise, diet and replacing you breaks with something other than poor is great.

I might be a good idea to instal a porn blocker on your computer, smart phone and tablet.

Willpower is great but if you are like me you may need that extra help.
Get someone to input the code for you!

One more thing be honest with your self. Don’t lie any more about anything.
The way you are feeling, what you need and get it out.

We are here we got your back. You can do this one day at a time.
 

JerryTX

Active Member
@guitar1968 Good to see you back and glad your working through this. I as well have had some struggles through the holidays and I haven't won every battle but based on our similar journeys we have some knowledge from our previous streaks to help us. I have had some PMO and edging but really getting more intentional and focused. Your correct that this journey is difficult and you can easily get caught back up in the web of PMO. Social media is something I am "fasting" from currently. Like you IG leads to videos, leads to wanting more, leads to strong P subs, leads to google searches, leads to P.... You get the point. This is me!!! So by putting the phone away and every time I think of opening IG/FB I just pray, read, or exercise. Twitter was too much and I deleted it when I had started this journey. Honestly I rarely miss it now. I may after this "fast" delete both IG and FB. It really can be a time suck!! Looking forward to watching us both strangle this P demon!
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
Hi All, I'm back again. Thanks for the support @JerryTX @Phineas 808 and @Ihateporn - you all are the reason this place is great.

So, I'm doing good since my last post this past Thursday. No PMO. I've looked a little too much at Instagram and occasionally that has led to taking a deeper peek at some riskier stuff. It hasn't lead back to PMO and I have been pretty good at just walking away again. It crosses my mind less these days and hopefully that's a good sign. I do far better with everything in life when I'm not constantly looking at porn.

I'm going to keep away this week. I need to get the muscle in my brain even stronger. I've learned a lot since last April. The main thing I've learned is that I can stay away from porn for long periods of time. I have also learned that it is very easy to get pulled back in and that no amount of time away means you are cured. It will always be a struggle, but I don't think it has to be a horrible struggle. Just something that I always have to be mindful of. If I start getting pulled back in, if I falter and succumb, I just need to calm myself and get right back on the horse. I've had a mini binge since my lapse and I was able to stop it. I've had a few more falls, but they didn't lead to binges and I've been able to stay away for multiple days before giving in again. Up and down just like life. I'm in it to win it.

Keep at it everyone and thanks again for the support and thanks to Reboot Nation for being here. I love being able to write this stuff down. Good or bad, success or failure, this is the place to work it out.
 

Ihateporn

Member
Hi All, I'm back again. Thanks for the support @JerryTX @Phineas 808 and @Ihateporn - you all are the reason this place is great.

So, I'm doing good since my last post this past Thursday. No PMO. I've looked a little too much at Instagram and occasionally that has led to taking a deeper peek at some riskier stuff. It hasn't lead back to PMO and I have been pretty good at just walking away again. It crosses my mind less these days and hopefully that's a good sign. I do far better with everything in life when I'm not constantly looking at porn.

I'm going to keep away this week. I need to get the muscle in my brain even stronger. I've learned a lot since last April. The main thing I've learned is that I can stay away from porn for long periods of time. I have also learned that it is very easy to get pulled back in and that no amount of time away means you are cured. It will always be a struggle, but I don't think it has to be a horrible struggle. Just something that I always have to be mindful of. If I start getting pulled back in, if I falter and succumb, I just need to calm myself and get right back on the horse. I've had a mini binge since my lapse and I was able to stop it. I've had a few more falls, but they didn't lead to binges and I've been able to stay away for multiple days before giving in again. Up and down just like life. I'm in it to win it.

Keep at it everyone and thanks again for the support and thanks to Reboot Nation for being here. I love being able to write this stuff down. Good or bad, success or failure, this is the place to work it out.
Good work
Just remember the end goal look ahead.
But find a way to recognize when you are about to give in to your addiction.
Go for a walk, call someone to change your thoughts.
You need to distract yourself. But best of remind yourself why you need to change.
 

hoague

Member
@guitar1968 thank you for posting your experiences -- it's validating to read the challenges that you face that mirror what I feel as well. Difficult to be kind to oneself - much easier when you have some evidence that you're not alone. Much appreciated brother, keep it up.
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
Just doing a quick check in today. Not much going on. No PMO for a while which is good and not a whole lot of thought to masturbate. Weird in a way. I'm not trying hard to not to do it right now. It's just kind of happening that way. So, I'm going to go with it. If I start feeling the urge creeping back in I'm going to try and just change my focus. For now I'm just going to run with not wanting to. I'm still hitting instagram a little too much but not really dwelling on anything in particular. The mindless scrolling is just starting to get to me. All social media is starting to get to me. I was so focused on trying to get my music out there and shared that I thought it would make some huge difference in my life. It hasn't. Very hard to make any headway with music unless you are dedicated to it full time and that really doesn't guarantee any success. I have a family to support and a business to run. I have to make that my priority and put music on the back burner a bit. I'll keep playing everyday, but I might just start removing myself from social media altogether. Hard choices.

Anyway, hope you are all doing well. Be strong be happy. You all got this.
 
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