My journey to be a better man.

[guitar1968]

Quick check in... All good. Still not really thinking about PMO. It just hasn't been a thing this past week or so. Seriously not feeling the need. I had a small thought about it on Wednesday, but it was short and didn't disrupt my day or even really make me want to stop what I was doing to indulge. Last night I had a vivid sex dream. I had full on penetration with a girl that I didn't know. Even in my dream she wasn't someone I knew. It was very different for me. I usually have performance anxiety in my dreams when I'm lucky enough to have a sex dream. This one I was hard and I stayed hard but I wasn't able to finish. I kept feeling myself getting close, but I do remember the girl who I was with was getting annoyed that I wasn't finishing. Dreams are strange and I'm wondering why I'm even writing this. I guess it's just all related somehow.

Anyway, I still don't feel like taking part in PMO today. That's good. I'm going to go and get some work done and hopefully have a good weekend. I usually don't have a problem on weekends ever, even when I was deep into my addiction. I try to stay off the computer on the weekends because I'm on it all week for work. Being away from the computer is the easiest way for me to not be tempted.

Have a great weekend everyone. Good luck on your pursuit of a porn free life.

 

[guitar1968]

All good here over the weekend. Not much thought on PMO. In fact, not thinking about sex that much either. I'm not trying very hard right now to not engage and that is strange. I almost feel like something is broken in me. I'm not feeling the hunger, I'm not feeling like I desperately need to get to the computer to take care of business. I'm just not thinking about it. I'm busy, I have a lot going on with work, family, music. I don't know. Maybe it's just that. Maybe it's that I'm just getting older. I really don't know. I definitely feel different about it.

I'm in a strange place. I guess I'm glad I'm not trying to masturbate, but at the same time I'm concerned that I'm not thinking about it. I'm feeling a little sexless. Does that make sense? It was only a few weeks ago that I engaged and it was spotty before that as well.

Well, no time right now to figure this out. I think it's going to be an ongoing thing. I'll take it as a good sign.

Have a wonderful day everyone. Be strong.

 

[Phineas 808]

All valid possibilities, but maybe the flatline is related to the dopamine receptors needing healing now?

Be well.

 

[guitar1968]

All valid possibilities, but maybe the flatline is related to the dopamine receptors needing healing now?

I was thinking this may be a true flatline. I never had one last year when I had about 6 months of no porn. If that is what I'm experiencing it is a very odd sensation. The need for porn has been with me for so long, now that I'm just not interested really feels like something is missing. I should be happy about it. And, in some ways I am. But other ways it's just confusing. I guess I just have to see where it leads me. Since I really fell off the wagon last December, I would have a few days of porn and then more days without. But I wasn't trying to be without, I just didn't think about it. Then a few weeks ago I had a browser up on my screen with porn on it. I wasn't masturbating, I just was looking and jumping around like I would in the past. Then I just thought to myself, I'm not even enjoying this. What am I doing. I shut the browser down and haven't thought about doing it again. I have had these extremely quick and fleeting thoughts when opening a browser, but they are so small they don't even really register.

At this point I'm just going to ride out this wave of not caring or needing it. Better than having to fight each day to stay away. Maybe things are calming down in my head. Maybe the 6 month reboot has helped to shift things around a bit in the brain. Or maybe it is just a big old flatline that I will eventually come out of. We'll see.

Good luck my fellow addicts. It's a strange road we walk.

 

[guitar1968]

Pretty much the same today. Flatline? Probably. Not all that interested in anything about sex at the moment. My guess is that it will pass and I'll be dying to get to my porn. Glad to ride this out for now.

Keep fighting the good fight everyone.

 

[guitar1968]

I stumbled upon some porn yesterday on Twitter. No surprise there, it is very easy to do. However, I watched a little, clicked through a few links, saw some of the same old stuff and I felt nothing. Not in a way like "I've beaten porn" but in a way that just made me feel kind of dead. If this is what a flatline feels like, then I am sure in one. I didn't get aroused. I didn't slide my pants down and start the deed. I just felt nothing.

So, where do I go from here? I'll ride it out. Maybe my libido will return. What do I do with it when it does? Will I instantly want to go back to my old ways? Such a confusing ride. I'm ready to be off this ride. I truly am. I'm too old and too tired for this shit. I'm 54 years old. I'm just hoping I can eventually get to some normalcy. There has to be more to this life than porn and sex. Why does it control my thoughts even when I'm not interested in it? I truly feel like I'm broken for good. Like fixing this isn't possible. I'm not trying to be a downer. I guess I'll log off here before I make anyone reading this feel down. I know there is more to life than porn. I do. Art, music, laughing, loving, parties, being with friends and family. All of it better than porn or missing porn. I just have to open my mind to let it all in and to push out the garbage.

What do you all do to find joy? Especially when you're trying to keep porn at bay. I just want to hear some things that make other happy.

Find some happiness this weekend everyone. You all deserve it.

 

[JerryTX]

@guitar1968 Thanks for posting. As you and I have journeyed together this above has ran through my emotions/feelings as well. I believe we all have things that make us truly happy. Most of mine are around my family-wife, son. Giving back to others and serving others also provides joy and happiness. Volunteer your time to something your passionate about -- maybe something musical.

This battle is tough and I want off the ride as well. Man I hope you have a great weekend and thanks being real...

 

[guitar1968]

Hi All, I'm back to check in. It's been a little over two weeks. In that time I believe I masturbated to porn 2 or 3 times. I did come here last year to stop all the porn. For a while I did that, then I fell back in a little, then I stopped again, then a little again and so on. However, the times have been very greatly reduced. I'm no longer in that daily need for PMO. I'm just not. Going a few weeks is very easy now and sometimes I just decide to go ahead. I'm not as stressed about it because it is no longer running my life. I seem to be settling into a rythym that works for me. I feel like going a month now isn't hard because most days it doesn't even occur to me. I'm not stressing about it. I'm not launching the web browser as my wife is pulling out of the garage, I'm not even thinking about it when she leaves. I'm thinking that the less I do it and the less I focus on it, the less it seems to be in my head. I think I'm just going to see where things take me over the next few month. I want to see if it continues to fade away. I feel like it really is.

Good luck all.

 

[guitar1968]

So, it's been about a month. Over that time I have slipped back into my old ways. I'm disgusted with myself so I thought it was time to get back here to see if I can get back on the wagon. I can sit an analyze all the reasons I drifted right back or I can just make a new commitment to start over and not beat myself up. We all know how easy it is to fall back into this awful habit. So for now I'm here and I'm going to try to come back every day for a while even if I slip up. Time to just get my head wrapped around this mess again.

Have a great day.

 

[guitar1968]

I made it to Friday. That's a good thing. My porn brain has been reactivated and if you have been down this road before - quitting and then restarting - you know what I mean. The longer you are away the more things die down. The constant thoughts about sex, looking at every woman and only seeing her as sexual, etc. starts to fade. I haven't looked at porn since Monday, but my porn brain is trying to get me back. It's a strong pull for sure. I've been busy, I've been journaling again, coming back here a bit, etc. Just need to let the body and mind calm down a bit. I think I'll be able to get through the weekend ok. Wife and daughter will be away tomorrow for a few hours, but I have a project that I'm working on and that usually keeps me away from the porn.

I guess time will tell. This is obviously going to be a life long struggle. I thought I would get to a certain point and not still feel the need to go back. It's just not the case. And, without anything sexually happening with my partner I still feel the need for release. I guess I'll just keep plugging along one day at a time. I don't really have another option. Some days I may fail. Others will be successful. I'm not going to beat myself every time I stray off the path, but I understand porn and what it has done to me and what it continues to do to me so I will continue to battle.

I hope all of your battles are successful today. Good luck everyone.

 

[guitar1968]

I just had a really nice weekend. While my wife and daughter were away on Saturday I was able to record a new song and get some work done on another song. I had no urges this weekend and it has now been a week away. It's amazing how a week away can dull the cravings. I'm glad to be back. I guess I'll see how it all goes. There is always a time after being away from porn that I end up really missing it. And, not just the orgasm. Of course that's a big part of it, but it's the whole thing. The searching, the finding, the watching, etc. Something about the whole process when you are away from it can make it seem like something you really miss. Hoping to keep those thoughts away. Just ride this feeling for a while.

Hope you all do well this week. Keep up the fight. I do believe it is worth it.

 

[Phineas 808]

There is always a time after being away from porn that I end up really missing it. And, not just the orgasm. Of course that's a big part of it, but it's the whole thing. The searching, the finding, the watching, etc. Something about the whole process when you are away from it can make it seem like something you really miss. Hoping to keep those thoughts away. Just ride this feeling for a while.

Hi, Guitar! Glad for your week away from this, and you enjoying time to yourself and getting things done without this nonsense getting in the way!

I can definitely relate to that nostalgia one starts to feel toward p-use, toward the whole ritual surrounding it. Hopefully we can retrain ourselves that we're not really missing out on anything, except for the miserable aftermath that follows p-use. During a streak, I treat nostaligic feelings or memories as any related urge, in dismissing them.

Wishing you well in your journey today!

 

[RunPierreRun]

Hi Fellow!
I am new here. I read part of your diary. Completely understand you. Falling back, starting a new page. Promosing myself all that is praised. Then falling again. Try to control, can you?
I believe turning my life upside down would help me, but I'm not brave enough...
You are a composer? Really interesting.
Wishing you the bests! Find mortivation that pulls you away. I'm sure your wife and daughter are beautiful.

Hold on!

 

[guitar1968]

Only a few minutes today. I spent some time working on my own personal journal, but this one is very important to me as well. I know I duck out for a few weeks at a time, but I have been consistently coming back here since April 15th of last year. Almost a year. This habit has helped me in a lot of ways. Learning that there are a lot of people struggling. Learning that even a day a way from porn is a success. Learning that there are good people willing to encourage and support me. It's been a blessing. And, although I have had my bouts of porn use in the last year, it was my best year since I was probably a busy teenager who just didn't have the time to look at porn every day. Of course, no internet back then which made it easier. But I had very long streaks this last year. Months and months without looking. And even when I fell off the wagon, it was easier to get back on. So spending time here really does help keep my head in the game and not on porn.

I'm very happy that I found this forum and that I decided to jump in. Keep strong. Keep coming back. Even if you give up for a while, you can still come back. You never have to feel like you can't keep trying. I'm focusing on "Doing" right now. I've had enough of "Trying".

Peace.

 

[RunPierreRun]

Only a few minutes today. I spent some time working on my own personal journal, but this one is very important to me as well. I know I duck out for a few weeks at a time, but I have been consistently coming back here since April 15th of last year. Almost a year. This habit has helped me in a lot of ways. Learning that there are a lot of people struggling. Learning that even a day a way from porn is a success. Learning that there are good people willing to encourage and support me. It's been a blessing. And, although I have had my bouts of porn use in the last year, it was my best year since I was probably a busy teenager who just didn't have the time to look at porn every day. Of course, no internet back then which made it easier. But I had very long streaks this last year. Months and months without looking. And even when I fell off the wagon, it was easier to get back on. So spending time here really does help keep my head in the game and not on porn.

I'm very happy that I found this forum and that I decided to jump in. Keep strong. Keep coming back. Even if you give up for a while, you can still come back. You never have to feel like you can't keep trying. I'm focusing on "Doing" right now. I've had enough of "Trying".

Peace.

I always felt, feel (how I wish telling it in past tense) guilty, filthy; a bad man. Now I see, that I am not alone with this suffer and other good, normal peolpe are also struggling to quit.
may the Force be with you

 

[guitar1968]

Hey folks, another day trying to stay the course. No real hunger pains for PMO today. But I keep getting the feeling like I need to switch over to my usual porn sites, chat sites, etc. It's like this itch. I just got off of a conference call. That's when I would usually quickly click over for a few minutes of porn screen time. Even if I had another meeting coming up in a few minutes. Squeeze in a few minutes of porn. So, I got that feeling when I hung a few minutes ago and thought I'll try to scratch the itch by coming here.

So, other than that things are going o.k. I think about sex a lot. I miss sex a lot. I don't want to go the rest of my life without sex. I feel like if I stay in this marriage that might just happen. So, anyone who has read my journal this past year will have read about my relationship with my wife. It's all messed up. We have a daughter who is 16 and we both want to be here for her. My wife doesn't worked and hasn't since we had our daughter. Now she's not sure what to do. Our daughter just doesn't need her as much and she will be taking off for college in two years. A big part of why I'm still here is that I can't abandon them and leave my wife with no income. No matter how much our marriage is on the rocks this is a person who I have loved and have been with for most of my life. We have a child together. A life together. It's just not as easy as saying see you I'm out. I know a lot of people do it, but I can't wrap my head around being that guy. Maybe when my daughter has left the house and hopefully my wife finds a career. It's not easy for women in 50's to get back to any meaningful career after having been out for so long.

So, anyway, my thoughts tend to go here when I'm thinking about sex. And then the second part of that of course is the PIED. Yep. Who wants to hop in bed with someone new and just have a limp dick. That's why it is also imperative that I get away from porn and let my mind and body heal. I was always nervous with sex the first time with someone. I've had performance anxiety and usually the first few times weren't great, but I could usually eventually get hard and achieve penetration.

I'm definitely taking this post into a different direction today. Forgive me. It's just what's on my mind and it all plays a part in whether to jump back in to porn or stay away. Sometimes I feel like - screw it, I'll just keep using porn and never worry about dealing with another relationship again in my life. This one has been so hard for so long I just can't imagine getting into anything serious again.

With that I'll take my leave. Lot's for me to think about but for now, porn is still something I would like to distance myself from.

Have a great day.

 

[Phineas 808]

Good job, Guitar on dismissing urges! Yeah, I think a life away from porn will give you more options for the future (whether with your wife, or not). At least if you heal, you'll have options- but if you continue to use, the PIED would rob you of that freedom, of life.

Wishing you the best, for you and your family!

 

[RunPierreRun]

Hi Guitar, dont feel "bad" about the girls! Think about the fact that you are needed.
Sometimes I think about my self as a looser, not good for nothing. But when I see my 4yo daughter running to me, I feel blessed.
The 19yo daughter of my partner is different, but still needing me (not unselfish). Giving a lift, helping with HW, things like this. This is not for me but helps me to evaluate myself. If you were not there, you were the missing element.
If I am not right or misunderstaning, sorry...but I believe sex may return in good if there is a way to let it back.

 

[guitar1968]

Hi All, I have been really having some strong urges last night and today. Ahh, such is life. I really was about to go to a porn site and came here instead. I guess that's a good thing. Last night when I was trying to go to sleep I could think of nothing but sex and porn and it even invaded my dreams. It was a weird night. I was pretty good until just now. I got an email from Entertainment Weekly. There was an article about Jennifer Love Hewitt and I remember he from back in the Party of Five days and how cute she was. It got my mind and body wanting to go look at naked women. Ughh. Anyway, just thought I'd stop in and get this out of my system. I'm heading into the weekend which is usually my safe space. I spend as much time as I can out of my office and not chained to the computer. Way to easy to access the porn when I'm here with the door closed all week.

Have a great weekend everyone.

 

[guitar1968]

Well the urges won a bit this week. Still struggling to get things back to a level of control. I'm working on a lot of things in my life now and all of them are a little taxing. I had a night where I only got 2 hours sleep. I then thought masturbating might be the way to get to sleep. I couldn't get there at all lying in bed. I was exhausting and my mind and head hurt. I gave up. Never got back to sleep. When I got to my desk I still felt like I had to complete what I started earlier. That meant porn. I got there after a while and I didn't feel better, I felt worse. I just didn't feel good. The orgasm felt bad. Almost hard to explain. My body seemed to hurt more afterwards. So, instead of taking that hint, the next day, after getting a bit more sleep, I decided to try again. Felt a bit better but I felt awful that I went down that road. Yesterday I stayed away and today I want to try and get back on track.

This roller coaster can be exhausting. I hope you are all doing o.k. Hang in there.