@guitar1968 Great to see you battling. Weekends can be tough and glad your music assists you to win the battle. Grab that guitar and play away!! Breathing deeply and focusing/meditating is also good to clear the urges. It's interesting you mentioned "rewarding yourself" with P as in my journey I have found that same thought process! Let's keep up the fight!
My journey to be a better man.
- Thread starter guitar1968
- Start date
Great plan of action, Guitar! Keep at it consistently and repetitiously and the new reward system will take. I know that place of anticipation toward a dopamine hit- not in denying it- but in expecting it. I'd start shaking, even convulsing, almost dropping my phone in the process. I was like a heroin addict... You got this, brother!
guitar1968
Well-Known Member
It's Friday and I'm feeling the itch. I think I'll be o.k. today though. Hopefully I'll be just as good over the weekend. It would be good to get a clean week under my belt and then start planning for the coming weeks.
Have a great weekend everyone.
Have a great weekend everyone.
guitar1968
Well-Known Member
It's Tuesday and that means a full 7 days with no PMO. I realized today how much different I feel when I've been away for even such a short time. It's almost like I feel lighter. It feels good. It makes me realize how good it is to be away from it. I would like to build on these 7 days so I'm just going to put the next goal at 14 days. Keep it simple. See how I do and feel this week. It's a short week which will help. I have a lot to do to keep busy and then the weekend where I almost always stay away from the computer.
Celebrating feeling good today. One day at a time, small goals, small victories.
Good luck my fellow rebooters!
Celebrating feeling good today. One day at a time, small goals, small victories.
Good luck my fellow rebooters!
particularly_respecting
Active Member
Great job knocking down a full week - remember the positive feeling and use it as motivation
You got this!
You got this!
TryingHarder
Well-Known Member
Great work, Guitar. That good feeling you have will only grow stronger.
guitar1968
Well-Known Member
Quick check-in: The week is going well. No problems, not a whole lot triggering me and I'm feeling good. So, with tomorrow being Friday and having a lot of work to do, I think I'll be good for another week under my belt. I'll be checking in here now and again. I don't want my daily life ruled by getting here to report in, but it is still helpful for me to drop some words here and see how everyone is doing. It's better than a porn break for sure.
Keep strong and enjoy your lives!
Keep strong and enjoy your lives!
Good for you, Guitar on your recent victories. Thanks a bunch for commenting in my journal! Will always root for your success...!
guitar1968
Well-Known Member
Doing ok today. Weekend is here so I should be good for a few days. I need to stop looking at women on Instagram. It's not porn and I'm not masturbating, but I'm sure it's a low level dose of dopamine. I know it's considered porn subs and I get why. I'm not drawn to it like porn, but I do find myself scrolling through more than I should. Trying to replace that with Wordle on my phone. Better for my brain.
Have a great weekend one and all.
Have a great weekend one and all.
TryingHarder
Well-Known Member
Good work, Guitar. And yes - I'm thinking any scrolling / looking at women on the internet isn't a good idea during a reboot. You're not going to be tempted to masturbate over Wordle. 
guitar1968
Well-Known Member
Yep, when I'm playing Wordle I am not even thinking at all about sex, porn or anything else. Just trying figure out a damn 5 letter word that begins with a J!
Anyway, I'm here today after a nice weekend full of yard work, movies and television. Nothing extraordinary. But, I kind of like it like that at my age. No porn or masturbation either. So, all good there.
So, a few weeks with no PMO and I'm feeling ok. I miss it no doubt. It's like that old friend that you have known your whole life, but you always get in trouble when they are around. You love them and hate them at the same time.
I wanted to write today because it is my wedding anniversary. It will be another anniversary without sex and without much love and affection. I don't think my wife has it in her any longer. I sent her a very nice message today thanking her for sticking around and apologizing for my behavior. I didn't ask for anything in return. I didn't put any blame on her. I just wanted to let her know that I do feel bad about a lot of the ways things went down in the past. Again, my wife has always known I use porn. Not her favorite thing, but let's face it, porn is everywhere, always talked about on sitcoms, movies, etc. It is more mainstream than ever. So she accepted it and I always made her feel like it wasn't up to her to "allow" me to watch porn. I always argued that I'm an adult and it's up to me. Yeah, I know. A bit of a dick move. I've made a lot of those moves which is why our relationship isn't great. There are a ton of other things, but I don't have time to list them.
Back to our main story. So, I send her the message. I get a short message that she isn't feeling well today and that's it. She never says Happy Anniversary, she never says I love you, she doesn't say thank you, she just moves on to her own thing. This is how most holidays, birthday's and anniversaries go. I know I am the one who caused a good deal of our problems. She's no picnic either and has done her share of shitty things, but if it was a contest, I would have easily been crowned the champion of being a dick. But, we are trying to both move forward and stay together, but she never makes a single attempt to touch me, kiss me, say I love you, really any type of loving, intimate gesture. I'm exhausted from it. I didn't expect sex today, but a Happy Anniversary would have been nice.
Why write all this? Good question. I guess it's a big part of my mindset. A big part of the reason I always return to porn. It's my entire sex life and has been for years. Unless I actually leave her and move one, I'm pretty much stuck. So, why don't you leave her you ask. Another good question. We have a child who is 16. She'll be going to college in two years. I don't want to totally rock the boat right now. And, my wife also hasn't had a job since my daughter was born. She doesn't know what to do for work and has a few physical limitations that make a normal job hard to handle. I may be tired of the situation, but I don't hate her. I can't just walk away when she has no prospects and no money. I make decent money, but we've found our way in to a bit of debt that will be hard to deal with apart.
So, happy anniversary to me? Ugh. Life can be tricky. I want to quit porn because I know how much it has damaged my life and my relationship. If I do venture out on my own, I would like to have a healthy relationship with a new person. I can't go into it addicted to porn with really bad PIED.
This was a bit of a complaining post. That's for sure. Sometimes I just need to get this stuff off my chest. I won't be running back to porn today. But it is certainly calling for me to return at all times. Without a healthy relationship with the possibility of sex, it really makes it harder to stay away.
I'll keep checking in. I'm not going to get caught up on how many days, how many weeks, blah, blah, blah. I'm going to let my journal know how I'm feeling and what I'm dealing with in my brain for now. I'll always have a rough idea of where I'm at as far as time away from PMO.
Stay strong my friends. This is always a challenge!
Anyway, I'm here today after a nice weekend full of yard work, movies and television. Nothing extraordinary. But, I kind of like it like that at my age. No porn or masturbation either. So, all good there.
So, a few weeks with no PMO and I'm feeling ok. I miss it no doubt. It's like that old friend that you have known your whole life, but you always get in trouble when they are around. You love them and hate them at the same time.
I wanted to write today because it is my wedding anniversary. It will be another anniversary without sex and without much love and affection. I don't think my wife has it in her any longer. I sent her a very nice message today thanking her for sticking around and apologizing for my behavior. I didn't ask for anything in return. I didn't put any blame on her. I just wanted to let her know that I do feel bad about a lot of the ways things went down in the past. Again, my wife has always known I use porn. Not her favorite thing, but let's face it, porn is everywhere, always talked about on sitcoms, movies, etc. It is more mainstream than ever. So she accepted it and I always made her feel like it wasn't up to her to "allow" me to watch porn. I always argued that I'm an adult and it's up to me. Yeah, I know. A bit of a dick move. I've made a lot of those moves which is why our relationship isn't great. There are a ton of other things, but I don't have time to list them.
Back to our main story. So, I send her the message. I get a short message that she isn't feeling well today and that's it. She never says Happy Anniversary, she never says I love you, she doesn't say thank you, she just moves on to her own thing. This is how most holidays, birthday's and anniversaries go. I know I am the one who caused a good deal of our problems. She's no picnic either and has done her share of shitty things, but if it was a contest, I would have easily been crowned the champion of being a dick. But, we are trying to both move forward and stay together, but she never makes a single attempt to touch me, kiss me, say I love you, really any type of loving, intimate gesture. I'm exhausted from it. I didn't expect sex today, but a Happy Anniversary would have been nice.
Why write all this? Good question. I guess it's a big part of my mindset. A big part of the reason I always return to porn. It's my entire sex life and has been for years. Unless I actually leave her and move one, I'm pretty much stuck. So, why don't you leave her you ask. Another good question. We have a child who is 16. She'll be going to college in two years. I don't want to totally rock the boat right now. And, my wife also hasn't had a job since my daughter was born. She doesn't know what to do for work and has a few physical limitations that make a normal job hard to handle. I may be tired of the situation, but I don't hate her. I can't just walk away when she has no prospects and no money. I make decent money, but we've found our way in to a bit of debt that will be hard to deal with apart.
So, happy anniversary to me? Ugh. Life can be tricky. I want to quit porn because I know how much it has damaged my life and my relationship. If I do venture out on my own, I would like to have a healthy relationship with a new person. I can't go into it addicted to porn with really bad PIED.
This was a bit of a complaining post. That's for sure. Sometimes I just need to get this stuff off my chest. I won't be running back to porn today. But it is certainly calling for me to return at all times. Without a healthy relationship with the possibility of sex, it really makes it harder to stay away.
I'll keep checking in. I'm not going to get caught up on how many days, how many weeks, blah, blah, blah. I'm going to let my journal know how I'm feeling and what I'm dealing with in my brain for now. I'll always have a rough idea of where I'm at as far as time away from PMO.
Stay strong my friends. This is always a challenge!
Gooner
Member
Thank you for sharing that @guitar1968, sometimes i wonder if its harder fighting this being in a relationship & having sex, or being single & no sex at all.
Never really thought about being in a relationship/not having sex while trying to fight this tho, yes i can only imagine thats tough.
You seem to have a very controlled way of dealing with this tho, you know what you want & your determination shines through. You know you can do this, when the tough times come tho thats where you need a strong support network to lean on. You can always add me to your list & message me whenever you like
Stay strong
@guitar1968 Thanks for posting and I apologize for the tough spot you are in. Since we started this journey almost at the same time I am aware of this situation. I have some thoughts but it's not my place to "give advice". The only thing I will say is life is so short to be in this type of situation. I hate it for both of you. Stay strong on the P front and it's a tough battle. I had a lapse last week while traveling and it had bee a long while. So frustrating but not near where I used to be. Which was binge watching constantly and waiting for any opportunity to PMO.
particularly_respecting
Active Member
Hope you are doing well and staying strong @guitar1968!
guitar1968
Well-Known Member
I'm back and still trying to get things going in the right direction again. It has been very hard. I go a few days, maybe even a week but then I go back looking for release. I hate it. I now hate the porn and hate the feeling when I'm done. But I'm so frustrated with my relationship with my wife that I'm not even sure what to do. I'm guessing it will have to be me leaving her. I have no way to really cheat on her. We are both home all of the time. It makes it impossible and I'm pretty sure I don't want to do that again. I did cheat on her several years ago and admitted it (big mistake) but that was before the pandemic when I used to be out all the time for work. I always worked from home, but she was involved in things and I had many more out of office meetings. It was just easier to put something on the calendar and disappear for the day. Not so easy any more and I really don't want this to be a cheating thing. That was wrong. I suppose I'm going to have to leave. I have a daughter who will leave for college in 2 years. I was thinking that would be the time to go. But I don't know if I want to wait that long to attempt to find a sexual partner again.
It's a tricky place that I'm at right now. Not sure how to move forward. Not sure how others move forward with no chance of real person to person sex.
Anyway, I'm back, still struggling, but trying to stay away again from all of it for a while. But I did PMO last Thursday so I have a long road ahead.
It's a tricky place that I'm at right now. Not sure how to move forward. Not sure how others move forward with no chance of real person to person sex.
Anyway, I'm back, still struggling, but trying to stay away again from all of it for a while. But I did PMO last Thursday so I have a long road ahead.
guitar1968
Well-Known Member
No porn or masturbation yesterday. Trying to get back in the swing of things. It is not easy, but it is what it is.
Not more more to say right now. Just trying to get back to a decent streak of no PMO.
Good luck one and all.
Not more more to say right now. Just trying to get back to a decent streak of no PMO.
Good luck one and all.
guitar1968
Well-Known Member
Finally a break in my day. First thought? How about a little porn....
Same old story, same old urges. Well, I came here instead. I know I need the break. I can definitely feel a better mental clarity when I'm not going to porn every moment that I have free. I do have a bit of a problem with Instagram so I've decided to limit my phone time during the day. I even setup Apple's screen time app to shut down when I get to 3 hours of phone time. But in the last few days I haven't hit 2 hours and when I was on the phone it was for music, phone calls or texting my wife, checking the weather, etc. I really want to break the mindless phone pickup all the time. It's gotten so bad that when I'm watching a show that I really like I just pick up my phone out of habit and start playing a game or checking Twitter and Facebook. Then I miss stuff on the show. I caught myself picking it up and doing the same thing at dinner with my wife and daughter and I knew I needed a break there as well.
So... no porn... less phone... more clarity. That's what I'm shooting for. It will be a week tomorrow and it definitely feels good to be away from the beast that is PMO!
Enjoy your day.
Same old story, same old urges. Well, I came here instead. I know I need the break. I can definitely feel a better mental clarity when I'm not going to porn every moment that I have free. I do have a bit of a problem with Instagram so I've decided to limit my phone time during the day. I even setup Apple's screen time app to shut down when I get to 3 hours of phone time. But in the last few days I haven't hit 2 hours and when I was on the phone it was for music, phone calls or texting my wife, checking the weather, etc. I really want to break the mindless phone pickup all the time. It's gotten so bad that when I'm watching a show that I really like I just pick up my phone out of habit and start playing a game or checking Twitter and Facebook. Then I miss stuff on the show. I caught myself picking it up and doing the same thing at dinner with my wife and daughter and I knew I needed a break there as well.
So... no porn... less phone... more clarity. That's what I'm shooting for. It will be a week tomorrow and it definitely feels good to be away from the beast that is PMO!
Enjoy your day.
guitar1968
Well-Known Member
So, about 8 days since my last journey into the darkness. I can honestly say my mind and body do feel better when I stay away for awhile. I seem to be able to go a week or two now pretty easily. I couldn't do that in the past. However, I know I need to stay away more or altogether. I'm not feeling very positive about being able to stay away for good. Without an active sexual partner, I just don't know if I can do it. I know that at this point in my life if I was having sex twice a month I would probably be fine. That would calm the beast. But I don't see things getting better with my wife. I can't even bring up or we get into our entire fucked up sexual history. I have taken the blame for most of the bad stuff that has gone down. I can't erase the past. I wasn't horrible, but I did want my wife to be like the women in porn. I know now that that is wrong. As men we learn so much about sex from porn it is hard to separate the two. I wish porn didn't exist because it would have messed up so many of us.
Anyway, that's where I'm at. I can't go back in time. I can't erase the things I pressured my wife to do. I can't make her understand that I have changed. And I most certainly can't convince her to have sex with me if she isn't feeling it. And if I pressure her, I'm just right back to where I started. Most likely the only answer is for us both to move on. I just wish that was an easier task. Too many things to go into right now, but it would very difficult on so many levels.
Have a great weekend everyone and may you all have great success on your quest to be free from PMO!
Anyway, that's where I'm at. I can't go back in time. I can't erase the things I pressured my wife to do. I can't make her understand that I have changed. And I most certainly can't convince her to have sex with me if she isn't feeling it. And if I pressure her, I'm just right back to where I started. Most likely the only answer is for us both to move on. I just wish that was an easier task. Too many things to go into right now, but it would very difficult on so many levels.
Have a great weekend everyone and may you all have great success on your quest to be free from PMO!
Good job, Guitar, on giving yourself over a week of freedom!
Changing my own phone habits, and limiting my social media use to once a week (unless I'm posting), has been very strategic in my own recovery. Good to recognize this as a major piece of the puzzle.
I relate to the inability to stay away for good, and this is with a wife with whom I'm able to make love once or twice a month (at the current rate)!
My personal challenge is to change 'what' porn means to me, how I see it as a 'savior' or as a medication of sorts. I think how you view porn as a substitute for a meaningful sexual relationship ought to be challenged in your own thinking. This is toward 'bridge burning' or changing the deeper meaning it has for you.
Be well.
Changing my own phone habits, and limiting my social media use to once a week (unless I'm posting), has been very strategic in my own recovery. Good to recognize this as a major piece of the puzzle.
I relate to the inability to stay away for good, and this is with a wife with whom I'm able to make love once or twice a month (at the current rate)!
My personal challenge is to change 'what' porn means to me, how I see it as a 'savior' or as a medication of sorts. I think how you view porn as a substitute for a meaningful sexual relationship ought to be challenged in your own thinking. This is toward 'bridge burning' or changing the deeper meaning it has for you.
Be well.