My journey to be a better man.

[guitar1968]

I'm happy to say the weekend went by without much thought of porn. I was very busy so that helps. Back at the desk today and I have some urges as usual. I'm hoping to hang on for a bit longer. Maybe even get a decent streak going. That would be nice.

Not much more happening. I have a lot of work to do and I have some busy nights ahead as well. All of those things make it easier to stay away.

Keep strong everyone.

 

[guitar1968]

And another day without PMO. Thought I might as well check in again. Not much more to say. The busier I am, the easier it is.

Good luck on all of your journey's. It's a long road with lots of twists and turns, but its worth the ride.

 

[TakeActionNow]

@guitar1968
"The busier I am, the easier it is."
Completely 100% true. Keep it going!

 

[guitar1968]

I'm back. Not back and feeling good. Back and feeling miserable. I have gone back to daily porn viewing. Not masturbating more than once or twice a week. You know why? It's very, very hard for me to get off. I initially get turned on. Get an erection. After a few minutes of cruising around, the erection goes away and I continue to stroke my mostly soft cock. I usually find something that triggers me back and then I have an orgasm. But not every time. And, what triggers me is different each time. Sometimes extremely dirty videos. Sometimes something so simple as people passionately kissing, while fucking of course.

I truly don't know how to break this cycle. Last year I did pretty good, but as this year comes to a close I am feeling worthless and unhappy. After I have one of my "sessions" I feel so bad and depressed. That has been the case the last two weeks. Nothing but regret.

I just was on a porn site a few minutes ago, got disgusted in myself and came over here to try to figure out how to stop this fucking madness.

Sorry about the downer post, but this journey is one that I just can't seem to conquer.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

I'm back. Not back and feeling good. Back and feeling miserable. I have gone back to daily porn viewing. Not masturbating more than once or twice a week. You know why? It's very, very hard for me to get off. I initially get turned on. Get an erection. After a few minutes of cruising around, the erection goes away and I continue to stroke my mostly soft cock. I usually find something that triggers me back and then I have an orgasm. But not every time. And, what triggers me is different each time. Sometimes extremely dirty videos. Sometimes something so simple as people passionately kissing, while fucking of course.

I truly don't know how to break this cycle. Last year I did pretty good, but as this year comes to a close I am feeling worthless and unhappy. After I have one of my "sessions" I feel so bad and depressed. That has been the case the last two weeks. Nothing but regret.

I just was on a porn site a few minutes ago, got disgusted in myself and came over here to try to figure out how to stop this fucking madness.

Sorry about the downer post, but this journey is one that I just can't seem to conquer.

I know very well from experience what's like to get activated hard and then lose it quick. I would get massive urges, start watching a scene, feeling extremely euphoric and amazing and then.... after 3 minutes it disappears without a trace. I can't feel any more arousal in any shape or form. It's like that part of my brain that is in charge of this thing freaks out at the amount of "chemical" madness I put it through and shuts down. As a result, all my euphoria, all my urges for the scene are gone and I start jerking a soft dick trying to turn myself on again. Sometimes it works and I can have an erection but, at the same time, experience a very weak high that is completely unsatisfied based on how high in the sky I was like 30 minutes before. I don't know, it's an absolutely bizarre, crazy thing that made me realize and say to myself: "This has nothing to do anymore with stuff like urges, this is something else, this is drugs, this is literally making myself so high for like 3 minutes, like crack or something."

 

[guitar1968]

I know very well from experience what's like to get activated hard and then lose it quick. I would get massive urges, start watching a scene, feeling extremely euphoric and amazing and then.... after 3 minutes it disappears without a trace. I can't feel any more arousal in any shape or form. It's like that part of my brain that is in charge of this thing freaks out at the amount of "chemical" madness I put it through and shuts down. As a result, all my euphoria, all my urges for the scene are gone and I start jerking a soft dick trying to turn myself on again. Sometimes it works and I can have an erection but, at the same time, experience a very weak high that is completely unsatisfied based on how high in the sky I was like 30 minutes before. I don't know, it's an absolutely bizarre, crazy thing that made me realize and say to myself: "This has nothing to do anymore with stuff like urges, this is something else, this is drugs, this is literally making myself so high for like 3 minutes, like crack or something."

Man, you absolutely nailed how it works for me and how I feel afterwards. There is no joy. There is a release and then feeling awful and yet, I still have the urge this second to go look more.

I need an answer and I'm turning 55 in January. I'm running out of time!

 

[guitar1968]

I'm back again today. I know I need to quit this habit. That's obvious. I'm terrible at planning and following a specific regimen for success. That goes for my business and just about everything else in my life. I used this site very hard last year to keep me on track. Then I stopped coming around. I think I need something more and I'm struggling to decide what that will be. I'm really just here thinking out loud (well, at least typing out loud). I don't think coming here every day with a day count will really help. I'm here now because I thought about looking at porn because my family is out of the house. So, that's a good thing.

Oh hell, I don't know. This has been a battle my entire life. However, when I was younger it didn't seem to affect everything. Now I'm older and I have trouble getting and maintaining an erection just to jerk off. I'm in a marriage that is sexless. I'm not going in to all of that now, but I have always just thought I have a strong sex drive and if my wife wasn't going to have sex with me, I'll just keep using the porn. I'm going to be 55 in January. I want to have sex with a real live woman again before my time is up. I don't feel that I could do that now if a hot naked woman walked through my front door. I would probably get hard and then attempt to penetrate and I would be a soft, shrunken noodle.

I guess you can see I'm at that place again where I just can't stand what this has done, but I know porn is just going to be out there calling me back, luring me to the old habit. I hate porn. I wonder what life would have been like if I was never introduced to it? If I lived back on a farm in the 1800's and there was just no way to see a naked woman unless you got married. Would be a different world for sure.

Ugh.

 

[Beautiful1973]

I'm back. Not back and feeling good. Back and feeling miserable. I have gone back to daily porn viewing. Not masturbating more than once or twice a week. You know why? It's very, very hard for me to get off. I initially get turned on. Get an erection. After a few minutes of cruising around, the erection goes away and I continue to stroke my mostly soft cock. I usually find something that triggers me back and then I have an orgasm.

@guitar1968 welcome back......fella reading that paragraph felt so tragic and I mean that in the most kind loving way possible.

I totally empathise with your story, my man (ex) is 55 and has experienced many of the same issues as you, the only difference being that our relationship wasn't sexless, in fact it was the total opposite, but you can imagine the pressure he felt to 'perform' when he had these issues going on.
Can you share more about why your marriage is sexless, if your open to talking about it, is that her choice, or your issues, or has the passion just faded away with time? Share when your ready, it doesn't have to be now, or today or at all if you don't want......but I'd like to try and help if I can.

 

[TryingHarder]

Sorry to hear of your relapse, Guitar. All I can say is: try again, and try harder. Think about what led you to relapse, and recognize the triggers that lead you back to porn.

I need an answer and I'm turning 55 in January. I'm running out of time!

That was one of the things I told myself in April when I turned 53. I'm running out of time to crush this addiction. Hoping you find a way to pick yourself up and get back to a healthy reboot.

 

[guitar1968]

Sorry to hear of your relapse, Guitar. All I can say is: try again, and try harder. Think about what led you to relapse, and recognize the triggers that lead you back to porn.

That was one of the things I told myself in April when I turned 53. I'm running out of time to crush this addiction. Hoping you find a way to pick yourself up and get back to a healthy reboot.

I'm working on it. I'm back here and really trying to refocus on this. It helps that I have no joy in it any longer. But the drive to go back always creeps back in. I'm glad I'm not addicted to alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc. I've done all of those and was able to always walk away. But porn? Wow, it just took hold of me for most of my life. Hard to believe it is still not classified as a true addiction by many.

 

[guitar1968]

@guitar1968 welcome back......fella reading that paragraph felt so tragic and I mean that in the most kind loving way possible.

I totally empathise with your story, my man (ex) is 55 and has experienced many of the same issues as you, the only difference being that our relationship wasn't sexless, in fact it was the total opposite, but you can imagine the pressure he felt to 'perform' when he had these issues going on.
Can you share more about why your marriage is sexless, if your open to talking about it, is that her choice, or your issues, or has the passion just faded away with time? Share when your ready, it doesn't have to be now, or today or at all if you don't want......but I'd like to try and help if I can.

I'm happy to share why our marriage is now sexless. I have in my past posts, but there is a lot to dig through so I'll give you the breakdown.

First, it is my fault. I can easily admit that. I am to blame. But, my good friend porn has very much to do with it.

I was introduced to porn very, very early in my life. My dad had Playboy magazines and we found porn videos that my parents had from time to time as well when we were young. The VHS machines had just come out and we were maybe 10 or 12 and once we started seeing porn I was drawn in immediately. Basically, I was brought up on porn. All my male friends talked about sex and all watched porn. We shared whatever porn we could get our hands on. I thought it was just what guys do. And all the evidence pointed to that being true.

Fast forward to having my first girlfriend. Trying to have sex for the first time. Wanting it to be just like all those movies and magazines I had seen. That was sex. That was love to me. I expected it to be like those movies.

I met my wife when I was 18 and she was 17. It took us a bit to get to sex. She was a bit more reserved than other girlfriends I had been with. But we eventually got there. We had sex. Great sex. But I wanted more. I wanted her to be like the women in the movies I was watching and always watched. I pressured her constantly to do things that she was uncomfortable with. I got angry at her when she wouldn't have sex with me. I made her feel like she was not enough for me. Then on top of that when things didn't go well in the bedroom I just went down to my office and logged on to my computer where the choices were endless. I never hid my porn use from my wife. She didn't pressure me to not use porn. I think we both grew up in a world where it was becoming more and more mainstream. But she started to understand that I was choosing porn over her and that she would never be able to please me like I wanted. It caused great problems in our lives.

So, I've told her how much I hate what I did to her. That I would never pressure her to do anything she isn't comfortable with again. But it seems that the damage is just too great at this point. And, with that complete lack of sex the past many years I just keep going back to porn. We're still together. We have a daughter who is getting older and will be heading off to college very soon. I don't know if we'll stay together. I think we do just out of habit at this point. We aren't very close. We fight often. I'm still bitter that we can't work it out. She's still hurt from all the years of me making her feel bad, etc. I've suggested counseling but she doesn't believe in it at all.

So, we are at a place that we may never get passed. That is understandable. Marriages don't always work out. I made my bed with her. I did the damage. I can't take away the past but I am willing to change the future, but I'm pretty sure she isn't interested in going down that road with me. We may be better off going our own ways. I'm terrified to even get in bed with another woman. I'm sure I won't be able to maintain an erection and my porn brain will still be messing with me.

As I've said, I'm going to be 55. I'm still trying to come to grips with that. But if I want to ever have sex and love again, I can't be "porn guy". I don't want to be "porn guy". I want to be loving, caring, supportive guy. I want to connect and be totally into my partner. I don't want to make her anything that she doesn't want to be. I am capable of changing. I have learned what porn has done to me, my brain and my wife. It basically has ruined two lives in this house. I don't ever want it to ruin another life.

We don't want to be addicts. We don't want to spend our time on sites like this and I'm sure your man didn't want to hurt you. It is just such a hard addiction to kick. I'm sorry you've been trapped on the other side of this addiction as well.

 

[Simon2]

I have to say, I think your story is probably the story of so many men and couples these days. It is just so sad and scary that so many boys grow up thinking that what porn shows them is how to be with a real woman. What sex is about.

Something that is supposed to be the most sacred and precious exchange between partners becomes the most debased acrobatic performance. What is supposed to be a PATH of discovering the pleasure of being together...

I truly hope that you have another chance at having a great sex life with someone - I am sure your wisdom gained so painfully would allow you a totally different intimate life now. It's too bad you don't see an avenue to get back to it with your wife, but if she isn't even willing to sit down with a councelor then that's hard.

 

[Beautiful1973]

Oh @guitar1968 thats feckin sad mate, why do we let this crap ruin our lives & relationships aye!
Counselling is pivotal, as it either makes you go ‘hell this is what we need to do to save this’, or ‘Nawh I’m done’!
I checked out of my marriage, walked away after 17 years, hardest thing I’ve ever done…..it also became sexless, and I couldn’t live with that. We once went 15 months and he didn’t touch me once, it was like someone cut off my oxygen, I seriously felt like I was going to die, I have never been so lonely in my life….. In hindsight and with my new found knowledge on porn addiction, I suspect he was abusing porn also. By the time he woke up and realised he had this beautiful sexy wife, I’d already left in my head.
We did counselling, battled on for another 2 years, tried to reignite things, I would indulge him and watch porn with him, only to realise that I was using it to get aroused, he would often pressure me to do things like giving him rim jobs or his obsession with anal, and then I would feel empty afterwards, I would often cry afterwards and not in a good way, and I knew I had to find a way out…..
I once asked him to tell me how he could go all those months without being intimate with me, firstly he disputed my memory of the timeline, he’s also an excellent gaslighter, and then he replied ‘maybe I was just fukin bored with you’…… in that moment everything changed for me I was no longer attracted to him, he had killed the intimacy between us and no matter how much I wanted to save it, especially for my two young children I couldn’t.
But if you were to ask him he’d tell you ‘she didn’t try hard enough’…… I’ll let you make up your own mind on that one.
Just know you’re not alone, as @SimonM said, there’s a lot of us going through similar situations…… and just when you get yourself out of one situation low and behold you find yourself in your next situation in love with a porn addict….. not sure what I did to deserve that double whammy

 

[guitar1968]

I have to say, I think your story is probably the story of so many men and couples these days. It is just so sad and scary that so many boys grow up thinking that what porn shows them is how to be with a real woman. What sex is about.

Something that is supposed to be the most sacred and precious exchange between partners becomes the most debased acrobatic performance. What is supposed to be a PATH of discovering the pleasure of being together...

I truly hope that you have another chance at having a great sex life with someone - I am sure your wisdom gained so painfully would allow you a totally different intimate life now. It's too bad you don't see an avenue to get back to it with your wife, but if she isn't even willing to sit down with a councelor then that's hard.

Thanks for your comments. Yes, I've learned a lot, but I'm still a bit of a mess. But, I have identified what is wrong and I am working on it. Still failing way more than I would like, but I understand now. I would never put another woman through that again and I can't apologize enough to my current wife. But, she just doesn't trust that it will not go to the same places again. It's clear and she is absolutely clear on not going to a counselor. She says everyone who goes ends up divorced anyway and for some reason she thinks a counselor will "take my side" which is weird. I'm obviously the biggest problem. No one is perfect and that includes my wife, but this one is 95% on me. She has played some role in it, but I won't go down that road. It's my fault.

 

[guitar1968]

Oh @guitar1968 thats feckin sad mate, why do we let this crap ruin our lives & relationships aye!
Counselling is pivotal, as it either makes you go ‘hell this is what we need to do to save this’, or ‘Nawh I’m done’!
I checked out of my marriage, walked away after 17 years, hardest thing I’ve ever done…..it also became sexless, and I couldn’t live with that. We once went 15 months and he didn’t touch me once, it was like someone cut off my oxygen, I seriously felt like I was going to die, I have never been so lonely in my life….. In hindsight and with my new found knowledge on porn addiction, I suspect he was abusing porn also. By the time he woke up and realised he had this beautiful sexy wife, I’d already left in my head.
We did counselling, battled on for another 2 years, tried to reignite things, I would indulge him and watch porn with him, only to realise that I was using it to get aroused, he would often pressure me to do things like giving him rim jobs or his obsession with anal, and then I would feel empty afterwards, I would often cry afterwards and not in a good way, and I knew I had to find a way out…..
I once asked him to tell me how he could go all those months without being intimate with me, firstly he disputed my memory of the timeline, he’s also an excellent gaslighter, and then he replied ‘maybe I was just fukin bored with you’…… in that moment everything changed for me I was no longer attracted to him, he had killed the intimacy between us and no matter how much I wanted to save it, especially for my two young children I couldn’t.
But if you were to ask him he’d tell you ‘she didn’t try hard enough’…… I’ll let you make up your own mind on that one.
Just know you’re not alone, as @SimonM said, there’s a lot of us going through similar situations…… and just when you get yourself out of one situation low and behold you find yourself in your next situation in love with a porn addict….. not sure what I did to deserve that double whammy

You are right, it is not easy is it. Sorry you were on the other end of this. Porn really does mess people up. I'm guessing it can be fine for those that don't find it addictive and can just use it occasionally for a little break or to spice up a relationship. At least I assume that can be the case. I know I like a beer once in a while and I have tried most of the drugs, just never felt like I ever needed them. I could always walk away. I don't think alcohol should be banned because many people abuse it. Many don't. I guess porn can be the same way. But for me? Well, it has been a terrible addiction. I wish I never saw it at all. Maybe I wouldn't be in this mess. But it is up to me to get out of it. As I've said, my wife will not go to counseling. She is dead set against it over the years I have tried and tried to get her to go. Even if it was just to work out this porn thing together.

I actually feel a lot like you did with your husband. We haven't had sex in several years now. We don't hug or kiss and I'm just dying. Even if I try to hug and kiss her she just basically gets rigid. She just can't go there. It's so weird to me because she wants me here as her husband but doesn't seem to have the need to connect with me in any physical way. I would be thrilled just to hug and kiss for a while. Yes, I want to get back to sex. But I would never ask her to do anything she doesn't want to again. I need some type of love in my relationship. I say to her we are just roommates now who don't even like each other much and she gets mad at that but doesn't do anything to change it. That's why I think I really need to move on. Too bad I'm pretty much terrified to ever get in bed with another woman. I'll really need time with someone to learn how to have sex again. To learn how to actually make it loving and not a scene from a porn movie. I've had trouble with erections and I know that is definitely from the porn as well. I've been to the doctor, I don' t have any physical reason to not get hard.

So, I'm a mess. My relationship is a mess. That's why I'm here. It's up to me to take care of myself and heal. Even if I'm never with anyone again. But my best chance to be with someone again is to be the best me I can and to never take another person down that road again.

Thanks for your insight.

 

[guitar1968]

No PMO and no visiting of actual porn sites, but I still look at too many women on Instagram and Twitter. I really just need to stay away from those apps. Still very much want to kick porn in the ass and get away from it for good. I wrote a lot today in responses above so I'll check back in again soon.

 

[guitar1968]

Hello everyone. Just stopping in. I sat down at my computer to start my day and my usual inclination is to take a quick look at some porn before I begin my day. It really is madness. I can sit down here and not think that.

A little background for those who don't want to read through 20 plus pages of my ups and downs. I've always liked porn, but in high school and college I was busy living life. Partying, dating, playing in bands, just living life and enjoying the world. I didn't have a computer yet but I did have a few dirty mags that I would pull out occasionally for a quick wank. But I was with my girlfriend who is now my wife and we were both young and had sex often. I just didn't feel the need to constantly be at the porn. I graduated from college and became a full-time graphic designer. My life on the computer was just beginning. After a few years those computers we worked on connected to the internet and it wasn't long before I found porn. It was easy. And I was hooked. But I still didn't have a computer at home. I was still having sex with my wife but our relationship starting getting more and more strained as I pushed her more and more to do things she wasn't comfortable with. I didn't understand what her problem was. She had watched porn with me a few times. She knew what sex was supposed to be, right? It was right there on the screen in front of us. That's what I saw, that's what I wanted. She didn't. Well, not always. She could get freaky now and again, but she wasn't a porn star. So I kept pushing and kept pushing and things got worse between us. As things got worse my friend porn was even more available. I would leave the bedroom angry after she wouldn't do the things I wanted and I would head to my office and find the girls who would on the screen. I actually left a very hot, gorgeous woman who was nude in my bed to jerk off to porn because she wasn't doing porn things.

Think about that. Abandoning my partner to go off alone to finish. What the actual fuck? When I think back on it, I can't believe that she is still with me. She could have left and probably should have a long time ago. Now we're both in a sexless marriage where there is little chance that we will fix it. And she was never one of these women who felt so betrayed because I watched porn. I think she learned eventually that it was ruining our lives, but she wasn't betrayed or thinking it was cheating.

And yet, here I am back at Reboot Nation after going back to my ways once again. I get to these points of saying what the hell, I'm not having sex, this is where I am in life. I might as well just dive back in. After a while in my marriage I started having bouts of ED. I now know it was from all the porn. But now I've actually started to have trouble evening masturbating to porn. I search for the right image or movie that finally gets me off. Sometimes I don't find that image. I have actually gotten to the point that I have trouble having sex with myself. What more has to happen?

This is why I'm back. This where I am. This is what I have become. I am an addict. I know it. The last few month I just felt horrible after every orgasm I was able to have. There I was struggling desperately to cum instead of doing something more productive. I hated it but did it anyway. I finally just got so annoyed last week I had to walk away and come back here. Now I sit here wondering how many weeks or even days it will take to feel like I'm ready to get back to porn. It always happens. 2021 was my best year ever. Far from perfect, but way better than I had ever done. I need to get back on track. There is no magic bullet. No video or book will make me do it. Your Brain on Porn can explain it. I know what's happening now, but the book can't make me stop. I'm the only one who can truly do that. It's up to me.

This was a much longer post than I planned on writing. I guess it's good to let this stuff flow out of me. I'll be back. I just can't be a counter of days this time. In the long run counting days didn't help me before. I still went back after a whole lot of days. This is a day to day battle. I went six month or more last year. I still have to craving almost every day. I wonder how long it would actually take to silence my brain. I am trying to meditate more now. Not because of porn but because of a chronic pain problem I have, but maybe that will help my mind settle a bit. I guess we'll see.

Stay strong everyone. There has got to be more to life I tell you my friends....

 

[Beautiful1973]

WOW, that was so heartfelt @guitar1968, thank you for sharing.

I actually left a very hot, gorgeous woman who was nude in my bed to jerk off to porn because she wasn't doing porn things.

This bit got to me the most, as I have also been that woman, the gorgeous babe, they turned their back on for porn.

 

[guitar1968]

WOW, that was so heartfelt @guitar1968, thank you for sharing.

This bit got to me the most, as I have also been that woman, the gorgeous babe, they turned their back on for porn.

Yeah, pretty sad for sure. That's what porn does. It has confused and damaged so many from such young ages. At least back when we were kids it was a little harder to find. The occasional magazine or VHS tape was about it. Kids today just open up a browser and it's all there.

I feel bad for all the women on the other side of this addiction. I know I truly didn't mean to cause harm to my wife. But I did and this is where I'm at. So, I just have to be a better person. It's just too bad it took way too long to figure it out.

I don't have a lot more to say today. I've said it all in the past few years. Just time to live life better and not make the same mistakes. I'm pretty sure this will be a struggle for a long time. Maybe the rest of my life. But at least now I know what porn does to people, not just men, but the women we hurt as well.

Live life well everyone.

 

[guitar1968]

Well, the challenge continues. After a few good weeks I have been drawn back in. But, I'm here. I'm still working on it. I get it. I just need to do it. No sense in hiding the failures. Just need to dig down and find some strength.

I'll be back.