My journey to be a better man.

guitar1968

Active Member
48 days and feeling great. I even ran into some pictures that normally would have sent me off to pornland and easily moved on. So, things do feel much better mentally. Physically I feel pretty good as well. I am getting more erections, mostly in early morning and they are getting better than they have been in a while. I have no desire to head to my porn sites and I'm happy to be on the mend. This site is helping. I'm not really reading or doing anything else at this point. Just checking in here and commenting a lot and trying to focus on this and not porn. It's working!

Stay strong everyone. We can all do this. We have it in us to be free from this addiction. As for help here before you go to your old stomping grounds. Let someone talk you off the ledge. If you do slip, DO NOT LET IT START A FREE FALL! Just start again the next day. You are not going back to ground zero if you can hop right back on the horse!

See you tomorrow!
 

JerryTX

Active Member
48 days and feeling great. I even ran into some pictures that normally would have sent me off to pornland and easily moved on. So, things do feel much better mentally. Physically I feel pretty good as well. I am getting more erections, mostly in early morning and they are getting better than they have been in a while. I have no desire to head to my porn sites and I'm happy to be on the mend. This site is helping. I'm not really reading or doing anything else at this point. Just checking in here and commenting a lot and trying to focus on this and not porn. It's working!

Stay strong everyone. We can all do this. We have it in us to be free from this addiction. As for help here before you go to your old stomping grounds. Let someone talk you off the ledge. If you do slip, DO NOT LET IT START A FREE FALL! Just start again the next day. You are not going back to ground zero if you can hop right back on the horse!

See you tomorrow!
Awesome job! Day 49 here and I agree with all you have written above. Glad to do this with others. I have been traveling this week which normally would mean major temptations and triggers. Really not experiencing those at all. STAY STRONG
 

guitar1968

Active Member
Awesome job! Day 49 here and I agree with all you have written above. Glad to do this with others. I have been traveling this week which normally would mean major temptations and triggers. Really not experiencing those at all. STAY STRONG
Thanks Jerry!
 

guitar1968

Active Member
Today I celebrate 50 days without porn. You know what? My world did not fall apart. I didn't lose my mind. I feel actually pretty great. I'm definitely getting more sexual urges, but not wanting porn at all. I think 90 days will definitely be within my grasp. My goal of 6 months of hard mode might be a little tougher, but I truly want my body and mind to heal.

This site and all the help and encouragement from everyone has been fantastic. I think doing mind dumps here has been such a help. It's like a relief to admit to someone that I have a problem. I think I would probably like to go to an actual group of men to talk about this stuff but I really have no idea if groups like that exist around me. Probably SAA, but not specifically being hooked on porn and masturbation.

Anyway, all good news. Feeling better about myself and my problem and finding this to be the easiest time I've ever had trying to quit.

I also have two guys here that I'm corresponding with regularly and that is also great. I can be super honest in those chats and it helps tremendously. I also have to say that I now feel that even a slip up here and there isn't the end of the world. I haven't had one and I'm not planning to, but if I do, I know that I'm not going back to the starting line. I'll get back up and start again. I won't go back down the rabbit hole!

Be strong. Be safe and most of all Be Free!
 

Nick Simons

Active Member
Hey Guitar,

Congrats on 50! I think your approach and attitude are spot on - radical focus to go all in right from the get go, total candour and honesty as you assess and share your progress, and as you just mentioned an attitude of acceptance and kindness to oneself through the victories and struggles (even if there is ever slip up ... you just keep moving forward). Looking forward to hearing more of your journey.

Cheers mate.
 
I never really understood just how many images I would be exposed to during my daily work life. I'm a graphic designer/web designer. I have to use stock photos and other images and videos all the time. I was searching for some basic images today of a person standing in tall grass and of course, tons of those pictures were of women with barely any clothes on. One was this beautiful black woman in panties and a white shirt. No nudity. I was just about to throw it all away right then. I had to close the browser window very quickly.

This is what makes it hard to quit. We are surrounded by these kind of images all the time and man does it set bells off in my head and crotch.

Ughh... Not going to be easy. Only on my 8th day.
This is how the internet works. It draws you into temptation even when you are trying to do the most innocent of things. It is all down to algorithm and what prior searches you may have done. It is disturbing how easy something can just appear. I feel you. I use Social Media a lot due to work purposes and the amount of time I have seen images that make me want to look closer at I have to quickly scroll past. It is a very tough period of time and it does not help the healing process. Always wanting to pull you back in. Luckily I remember what I am doing and how much I want to beat this problem. I congratulate you on your progress and how you handled the situation.
 

guitar1968

Active Member
So, some good news. I still haven't looked at porn and I haven't had the urge to look at porn. All good there. However, I have been trying to go hard mode but about every three or four weeks I definitely get strong urges. Today I woke up with morning wood and I masturbated in the shower. I fantasized about my wife and only drifted into some porn fantasy bringing it back to her as much as I could. I actually came very quickly unlike the other time that I masturbated earlier on. So my goal of hard mode is still being a bit elusive. I have masturbated 2 times in 53 days. No porn and still really zero draw to porn. Despite my disappointment in breaking my hard mode approach I also feel good about returning erections, the ability to masturbate to completion without porn, not doing the death grip to get there and feeling just better each day that I'm not surfing the internet for another porn fix multiple times a day.

I'm going to continue to count my days porn free. I'm working on deciding whether or not hard mode is going to work for me. Right now I think I'm getting back on the horse and trying to hold off again for 6 months. Although this part is definitely harder for me than dropping the porn.
 

guitar1968

Active Member
Feeling good today. Still no urge to delve into porn. Still tying to wrap my head around whether or not I should completely abstain from masturbation or if the occasional fap is o.k. I don't want it to lead me back to where I was. So, I guess I'll have to see how far I get and how the closely the two are intertwined. My goal has always been to remove porn, not necessarily masturbation. I just thought it might be easier to heal my body if I completely walked away from everything for a while. So, in 57 days I masturbated twice. Neither time with porn. That is down from a minimum of once a day with porn and more porn throughout the day. To me it's a win. I just want to cure my PIED and I'm thinking I will benefit from longer periods of no masturbation all together. I guess this will be a continuing journey and I shouldn't get too caught up in exactly how I need to get there now. Just no porn for sure, try to not think about masturbation and see how far I get before I really feel the urge again. I'm hoping they get further apart as I continue down this road.

Stay strong everyone. When I floated over here 57 days ago I wasn't so sure I could get this far. It give me hope. I read of so many people on here deeply struggling and I haven't found it as hard as I thought I would. I'm thankful for that and hopeful for all of you.
 

guitar1968

Active Member
Just a quick thought I had that I thought I would share.

I have been reading a lot of journals on here. Some that go back several years. Some have been very successful. Others are up and down like a seesaw. I find myself getting so caught up in their stories and then when I'm reading one that is going great... 50 days, 75 days, 120 days... relapse... I get so disappointed and upset that they didn't make it. It's like reading a book or watching a movie and cheering for someone and then feeling awful when it doesn't work out. I want the happy ending for everyone. Also, especially with some of the ones that have been coming here for years, it worries me that I'll be doing this seesaw forever.

Anyway, just thought I would share. I want success for all of you.
 

Phineas 808

Well-Known Member
Appreciate your thought, guitar!

While I can only speak for myself, I know that for me there are two 'layers' to the addiction: 1) the habit itself, which can be changed or stopped by simple habit-change; and 2) deep emotional, and trauma-based motivations behind the 'why' of the addiction.

So, just to quit the habit, one can do it- no matter who they are- in a matter of 4-6 months. But for many of us, there are deeper areas of brokenness that were powerful drivers of the addiction, that, if not properly addressed, can undermine one's efforts by drawing them back to the behaviors used to cope or medicate as before.

While the emotional issues won't necessarily sabotage one's efforts, they can certainly present a major challenge if not squarely addressed, with intent and purpose.

My own efforts have proven true in this regard. I think in the beginning I tried to untangle all the emotional and traumatic aspects (once I began to learn of my addiction's causes), instead of the habit, and this prolonged my recovery efforts. I can stretch this approach between 2001 - 2013. But then I flipped this around between 2014 - 2016, where I sought to, and successfully did stop and/or change my habit. But now, the deeper issues need to be resolved. For me, the lapses reflect this deeper need, as for the most part, I've prevented the lapses to become rehabitualized.

For me, the 139 days completed prior to March 25 are a powerful (albeit not perfect) streak whereby the behavior was denied, but the need for a deeper healing needed to be revisited and pursued- which is kind of where I'm at. It's kind of like a two-pronged approach, where my cues will be mostly emotional, and not so much outward stimuli, but I'll be abstaining while training myself to turn to 'other' sources for deeper emotional needs, and seeking inward healing.

If your issues are primarily habit, and not emotionally based, then you needn't fear this apparent seesaw effect. Just be diligently committed, as it seems you are, and you'll leave these behaviors behind you. As for MO, I've heard that this can be done 'mindfully' without relying on fantasy, but that aspect is outside of my own goals.
 

guitar1968

Active Member
Good day all! And yes, I'm feeling good. I'm truly surprised how easy it has been to stay away from porn. It almost blows my mind that I could have and should have walked away years ago. Sitting with my pants around my ankles, half erect and desperately trying to find something that would allow me to release was completely ridiculous and when I think about how much of my life was spent this way I am truly disgusted by it. Keeping that in my mind is also helping tremendously.

So things are good with me. I have been reading other peoples journals a lot and they are providing so much insight and understanding. I should have really done this long ago. I only had one other fairly successful attempt at quitting a few years ago when I found No Fap. I started using a tracker and I made it maybe 40 days. That was truly great for me, but the entire focus was on just not masturbating. I knew porn was the issue and with porn came the masturbation. The problem was, I was still keeping everything bottled up inside me. I wasn't looking for a way to unburden myself with all of this stuff in my head. This forum has provided that way of releasing it all. I'm not as concerned about No Fap as I am about just never looking at porn again. Without porn naturally the need to Fap falls away greatly. And if the urge hits me now and then, I'm o.k. with mindfully releasing myself and hopefully it will lead back to a sex life with my wife.

Phineas - if you are reading this you may have already read my thoughts on deeper issues that may have brought me to the porn addiction. I have no reason to believe I have any issues that may have played a part. Maybe that will make it easier. I don't really know. I think it was just the way so many of us get hooked. Playboy & Penthouse, VHS Tapes, Dirtier Magazines and then voila here come the Internet and game over. We're hooked. Sure, I used it to reduce stress, as a replacement for the sex my wasn't giving me and boredom. But it took over my daily life. I would get angry if someone in my home or my business intruded on my porn time. I would long for the days that my wife and daughter were out of the house so I could watch all day. When their plans changed and they ended up home I would be just down right annoyed and nasty. What a way to live! Being upset that the two most important people in my life got to be home with me. It's easy to look at this behavior and hate myself for it. That is why my journal is called "My journey to be a better man" because I was really not being a good man at all.

So the journey continues. I feel good about it now and I'm looking forward to a porn free future. Have a great and successful day everyone.
 
Good day all! And yes, I'm feeling good. I'm truly surprised how easy it has been to stay away from porn. It almost blows my mind that I could have and should have walked away years ago. Sitting with my pants around my ankles, half erect and desperately trying to find something that would allow me to release was completely ridiculous and when I think about how much of my life was spent this way I am truly disgusted by it. Keeping that in my mind is also helping tremendously.

So things are good with me. I have been reading other peoples journals a lot and they are providing so much insight and understanding. I should have really done this long ago. I only had one other fairly successful attempt at quitting a few years ago when I found No Fap. I started using a tracker and I made it maybe 40 days. That was truly great for me, but the entire focus was on just not masturbating. I knew porn was the issue and with porn came the masturbation. The problem was, I was still keeping everything bottled up inside me. I wasn't looking for a way to unburden myself with all of this stuff in my head. This forum has provided that way of releasing it all. I'm not as concerned about No Fap as I am about just never looking at porn again. Without porn naturally the need to Fap falls away greatly. And if the urge hits me now and then, I'm o.k. with mindfully releasing myself and hopefully it will lead back to a sex life with my wife.

Phineas - if you are reading this you may have already read my thoughts on deeper issues that may have brought me to the porn addiction. I have no reason to believe I have any issues that may have played a part. Maybe that will make it easier. I don't really know. I think it was just the way so many of us get hooked. Playboy & Penthouse, VHS Tapes, Dirtier Magazines and then voila here come the Internet and game over. We're hooked. Sure, I used it to reduce stress, as a replacement for the sex my wasn't giving me and boredom. But it took over my daily life. I would get angry if someone in my home or my business intruded on my porn time. I would long for the days that my wife and daughter were out of the house so I could watch all day. When their plans changed and they ended up home I would be just down right annoyed and nasty. What a way to live! Being upset that the two most important people in my life got to be home with me. It's easy to look at this behavior and hate myself for it. That is why my journal is called "My journey to be a better man" because I was really not being a good man at all.

So the journey continues. I feel good about it now and I'm looking forward to a porn free future. Have a great and successful day everyone.
As always, it's great to read of your continued success along the path to a better future!

I have had a lapse but have also PMOd with no visual cues in the last few days, one of which brought me my first ever episode of 'post-nut clarity', which suggested I was on the right path, but I still have PIED and the stress in my life currently means this isn't a great time to be quitting, but at least my depression seems to have lessened, i.e. it's now only stress!

I have started again, but feel like having got through the depression I've had the worst, the aim now is not to go back, i.e. I imagine a future where it may be OK to PMO again without any visual cues, but can't allow that to build up to a point where I have to go through withdrawal/depression once again.
 

guitar1968

Active Member
As always, it's great to read of your continued success along the path to a better future!

I have had a lapse but have also PMOd with no visual cues in the last few days, one of which brought me my first ever episode of 'post-nut clarity', which suggested I was on the right path, but I still have PIED and the stress in my life currently means this isn't a great time to be quitting, but at least my depression seems to have lessened, i.e. it's now only stress!

I have started again, but feel like having got through the depression I've had the worst, the aim now is not to go back, i.e. I imagine a future where it may be OK to PMO again without any visual cues, but can't allow that to build up to a point where I have to go through withdrawal/depression once again.
I'm not sure I understand what "PMO again without any visual cues" means. Are you not looking at porn, but fantasying about porn?
 

guitar1968

Active Member
Just a quick check in today. Things are good. I had a potential slip yesterday and oddly it came from this site. In the PIED part of the forum, there was a post for users to participate in a study about porn addiction. At first it seemed like a good idea. Help out where I have needed so much help. But there is a portion of the study that requires you to watch 5 minutes of porn and discuss your arousal. You are not supposed to masturbate during this portion of the study. I started doing the survey, but ended up shutting my browser down. At first I thought it was a good idea. They need people who really have had trouble dealing with this issue. But at the same time asking an addict to watch porn just doesn't make sense. Can you imagine walking into an AA meeting and asking people to drink, even just for a little bit for a study? I just hope it doesn't derail anyone from their path of healing. 5 minutes of porn becomes 10 minutes, 10 minutes becomes an hour, etc. We've all been there.

So, anyway, crisis averted. I didn't participate. I don't think I would count it against my days porn free, but if it did become my first big trigger in the last 56 days I would have really been annoyed.

Stay strong, be safe and keep after your goals.
 

JerryTX

Active Member
Just a quick check in today. Things are good. I had a potential slip yesterday and oddly it came from this site. In the PIED part of the forum, there was a post for users to participate in a study about porn addiction. At first it seemed like a good idea. Help out where I have needed so much help. But there is a portion of the study that requires you to watch 5 minutes of porn and discuss your arousal. You are not supposed to masturbate during this portion of the study. I started doing the survey, but ended up shutting my browser down. At first I thought it was a good idea. They need people who really have had trouble dealing with this issue. But at the same time asking an addict to watch porn just doesn't make sense. Can you imagine walking into an AA meeting and asking people to drink, even just for a little bit for a study? I just hope it doesn't derail anyone from their path of healing. 5 minutes of porn becomes 10 minutes, 10 minutes becomes an hour, etc. We've all been there.

So, anyway, crisis averted. I didn't participate. I don't think I would count it against my days porn free, but if it did become my first big trigger in the last 56 days I would have really been annoyed.

Stay strong, be safe and keep after your goals.
Yep right there with you sir! I read in a post yesterday about the NURU massage and thought I don't know what that is but I'll google it. DON"T GOOGLE IT!! Clicked off immediately... Then had some questionable posts on IG. Left quickly and won the battle and built more endurance!

Crisis Averted...
 

Phineas 808

Well-Known Member
Phineas - if you are reading this you may have already read my thoughts on deeper issues that may have brought me to the porn addiction. I have no reason to believe I have any issues that may have played a part. Maybe that will make it easier. I don't really know. I think it was just the way so many of us get hooked. Playboy & Penthouse, VHS Tapes, Dirtier Magazines and then voila here come the Internet and game over. We're hooked. Sure, I used it to reduce stress, as a replacement for the sex my wasn't giving me and boredom. But it took over my daily life. I would get angry if someone in my home or my business intruded on my porn time. I would long for the days that my wife and daughter were out of the house so I could watch all day. When their plans changed and they ended up home I would be just down right annoyed and nasty. What a way to live! Being upset that the two most important people in my life got to be home with me. It's easy to look at this behavior and hate myself for it. That is why my journal is called "My journey to be a better man" because I was really not being a good man at all.

If not, then not. That's of course great news... It reminds me of those folks who have no particular predisposition, no traumatic background, a great family environment, a happy and joyous upbringing (with its normal problems), and yet they fall into some horrible addiction. This is not so uncommon.

We can even say it this way, not all who grew up in broken homes become addicted, and not all who grew up in a strong and loving home escape becoming addicted.

My point above is precisely that the raw science of habit change is probably all it will take for you to break free. Just being consistent, persistent, and determined, and you'll be free. Yes, porn is akin to heroine addiction, but nonetheless, doable.

On some level, as you also say, the addiction takes care of stress, boredom, etc... The same was true of me. The difference is that what may or may not be a cue (trigger) for you, may for me have an added emotional intensity, or an identification with some brokenness within. But, like yourself, the science of habit change is all I need to break the behavioral patterns, or dependence on them. However, there's a greater susceptibility in my case to associate certain pain, certain rejection, or other cues (circumstantial or emotional) with former behaviors.

The good news is, I'm not bound to any script. There's no set law that I have to struggle until my dying day (just pay no mind to the multiple years dealing with this so far :rolleyes: ). For me, I have to be a little more mindful and cautious to not be tripped up during or after I hit my current abstinence challenge.

So proud of your awesome progress, brother! You are indeed becoming that better man.
 
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