My journey to be a better man.

guitar1968

Active Member
Quick update today. All good for the most part. Yesterday I had a bit of an itch to go back to the old ways, but it was just that, an itch. Not even a bad itch. I just kind of felt this slight yearning. Hard to describe, but not hard to push down. I haven't felt it today. I am on day 57 and all is well.

I'm not paying that much attention to erections, morning wood, etc. I'm really just living my life. I'm coming here and reading journals and replying when I can, working, playing guitar and making music. I've also been exercising a lot more and a lot better than I was before I started this journey. That is a little bit by accident but good nonetheless. My wife signed up for a Beach Body on Demand subscriptions which the whole house can use so I've been doing a program called 10 Rounds. I did week 1 twice just to get the hang of it, but I'm starting week 6 today. So along with ridding myself of the porn habit, I'm also creating a much better exercise habit. My wife and daughter are also into eating healthier as well so everything really is coming together very nicely.

I still consider myself just at the beginning of my recovery from porn addiction. I have a long way to go before I can consider it behind me. But I'm glad things are going so well. I will definitely really have a good time of reflection when I hit 90 days. Still 33 days to go before that happens so I'm not going to get ahead of myself.

Stay strong everyone. We can do this. We don't have to live like prisoners to this addiction. There is light at the end of the tunnel!
 

46and2

Member
53 days!!! That´s so awesome man. I like that you´re not paying too much attention to morning wood and the like; I think that can be a compulsion in itself when the whole idea is keep the mind away from the addiction and the factors surrounding it. Your progress gives me great hope. Stay strong my friend.
 

CoolBreeze

Member
Quick update today. All good for the most part. Yesterday I had a bit of an itch to go back to the old ways, but it was just that, an itch. Not even a bad itch. I just kind of felt this slight yearning. Hard to describe, but not hard to push down. I haven't felt it today. I am on day 57 and all is well.

I'm not paying that much attention to erections, morning wood, etc. I'm really just living my life. I'm coming here and reading journals and replying when I can, working, playing guitar and making music. I've also been exercising a lot more and a lot better than I was before I started this journey. That is a little bit by accident but good nonetheless. My wife signed up for a Beach Body on Demand subscriptions which the whole house can use so I've been doing a program called 10 Rounds. I did week 1 twice just to get the hang of it, but I'm starting week 6 today. So along with ridding myself of the porn habit, I'm also creating a much better exercise habit. My wife and daughter are also into eating healthier as well so everything really is coming together very nicely.

I still consider myself just at the beginning of my recovery from porn addiction. I have a long way to go before I can consider it behind me. But I'm glad things are going so well. I will definitely really have a good time of reflection when I hit 90 days. Still 33 days to go before that happens so I'm not going to get ahead of myself.

Stay strong everyone. We can do this. We don't have to live like prisoners to this addiction. There is light at the end of the tunnel!
Congrats on 57 days. I know what you mean about that slight itch. I feel it every now and then. For me it’s like a tap on the shoulder from the Porn Demon. I been able to brush him away so far. Reading these posts on daily success is a encouragement to keep that fool off of me.
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Quick update today. All good for the most part. Yesterday I had a bit of an itch to go back to the old ways, but it was just that, an itch. Not even a bad itch. I just kind of felt this slight yearning. Hard to describe, but not hard to push down. I haven't felt it today. I am on day 57 and all is well.

I'm not paying that much attention to erections, morning wood, etc. I'm really just living my life. I'm coming here and reading journals and replying when I can, working, playing guitar and making music. I've also been exercising a lot more and a lot better than I was before I started this journey. That is a little bit by accident but good nonetheless. My wife signed up for a Beach Body on Demand subscriptions which the whole house can use so I've been doing a program called 10 Rounds. I did week 1 twice just to get the hang of it, but I'm starting week 6 today. So along with ridding myself of the porn habit, I'm also creating a much better exercise habit. My wife and daughter are also into eating healthier as well so everything really is coming together very nicely.

I still consider myself just at the beginning of my recovery from porn addiction. I have a long way to go before I can consider it behind me. But I'm glad things are going so well. I will definitely really have a good time of reflection when I hit 90 days. Still 33 days to go before that happens so I'm not going to get ahead of myself.

Stay strong everyone. We can do this. We don't have to live like prisoners to this addiction. There is light at the end of the tunnel!

All positives from my perspective! Engaging & connecting with yourself, life, your family and really living in it instead of in the addiction is where we all need to be going. I would take the itch as a reminder that, while things are going great, vigilance is still required and those old pathways are still trying their old tricks. Stay sharp though and i'm sure this new way of living will continue to become more natural & effortless the longer you do it.

Keep up the great work!
 

JerryTX

Member
Quick update today. All good for the most part. Yesterday I had a bit of an itch to go back to the old ways, but it was just that, an itch. Not even a bad itch. I just kind of felt this slight yearning. Hard to describe, but not hard to push down. I haven't felt it today. I am on day 57 and all is well.

I'm not paying that much attention to erections, morning wood, etc. I'm really just living my life. I'm coming here and reading journals and replying when I can, working, playing guitar and making music. I've also been exercising a lot more and a lot better than I was before I started this journey. That is a little bit by accident but good nonetheless. My wife signed up for a Beach Body on Demand subscriptions which the whole house can use so I've been doing a program called 10 Rounds. I did week 1 twice just to get the hang of it, but I'm starting week 6 today. So along with ridding myself of the porn habit, I'm also creating a much better exercise habit. My wife and daughter are also into eating healthier as well so everything really is coming together very nicely.

I still consider myself just at the beginning of my recovery from porn addiction. I have a long way to go before I can consider it behind me. But I'm glad things are going so well. I will definitely really have a good time of reflection when I hit 90 days. Still 33 days to go before that happens so I'm not going to get ahead of myself.

Stay strong everyone. We can do this. We don't have to live like prisoners to this addiction. There is light at the end of the tunnel!
Nice job! Beach body on demand is great. I haven't done 9 rounds but have been using the programs for over 10 years. After a February back surgery I just finished week one of P90X. It's brutal. On that note if I'm at home alone I sometime will go to BOD and do one of the quick workouts from insanity or another program. Get's my heart pumping in the right direction and not running to the internet for the P!

We are close to the same time frame as today is day 60! I am proud of this streak but more importantly proud of the way I don't have crazy urges every time I'm home alone!! Let's get to 90 together! and beyond! Stay strong brother!
 
Congrats on day 57. I am a long way from that but I am taking it one day at a time and I definitely want to make it to where you are at and beyond. Keep up the great work sounds like you are enjoying the person you are becoming free of the evil demon.
 

guitar1968

Active Member
Thanks Jerry and Time to Heal.

Things are continuing to go well for me. I'm at 60 days today and feeling great. I have had some urges, but more sexual/masturbation urges, not really to run to my computer and porn sites. However, I'm holding off for as long as I can to let the healing continue. In fact, yesterday I hugged my wife and kissed her next was completely aroused. I didn't feel her up or anything. Just the physical contact was enough to get things going. It was a very wonderful and positive feeling. So, no need to go back to the daily grind of porn use.

I hope everyone can beat this awful addiction. It has a strong draw indeed but there is a much better life beyond it. I was feeling really good yesterday and was thinking of how nice it is not worry about porn. Not to worry about forgetting I have a browser open that my wife or daughter will find, that I don't have one opened when I hop on a Zoom call. Just feeling in general so much better since I have stopped.

Stay strong everyone!
 
Thanks Jerry and Time to Heal.

Things are continuing to go well for me. I'm at 60 days today and feeling great. I have had some urges, but more sexual/masturbation urges, not really to run to my computer and porn sites. However, I'm holding off for as long as I can to let the healing continue. In fact, yesterday I hugged my wife and kissed her next was completely aroused. I didn't feel her up or anything. Just the physical contact was enough to get things going. It was a very wonderful and positive feeling. So, no need to go back to the daily grind of porn use.

I hope everyone can beat this awful addiction. It has a strong draw indeed but there is a much better life beyond it. I was feeling really good yesterday and was thinking of how nice it is not worry about porn. Not to worry about forgetting I have a browser open that my wife or daughter will find, that I don't have one opened when I hop on a Zoom call. Just feeling in general so much better since I have stopped.

Stay strong everyone!
Congrats on 60 days. Reading your story helps me realize that it is possible to beat this horrible addiction. I am struggling to start my journey but it helps me to know I am not alone and that the journey is one worth taking. I want and need to get my life back on track. Keep up the great work and know sharing your story is helping others as well.
 

guitar1968

Active Member
Congrats on 60 days. Reading your story helps me realize that it is possible to beat this horrible addiction. I am struggling to start my journey but it helps me to know I am not alone and that the journey is one worth taking. I want and need to get my life back on track. Keep up the great work and know sharing your story is helping others as well.
Really glad that it can help. The journals here have been fantastic. Exactly what I needed to start healing. I have a long road ahead of me as I assume you do as well. We're in the 40 plus thread and I'm 53. So, 60 days is nothing compared to the journey that got us here. So, although I'm thrilled with 60 days, I know that I can't get too comfortable. It's so easy to slip back into old habits. If I do happen to slip, and I'm hoping I don't, this time I'm not going to let it drag me back down. I'll just hop right back here on the forum, say I slipped and keep moving forward. No one is perfect. I just can't let one slip lead to the exact same thing as before.
 

Phineas 808

Well-Known Member
Congrats, guitar on 60+ days! You're now in the zone where the neural chemicals that lock in porn-memory are subsiding, and the 'brain-fog' phenomenon (low blood flow to the brain) is subsiding.

I love your determination and tenacity! You certainly have what it takes to never return to this crap!

My own journey hasn't been a straight-line by any means. Even after finding what works for me toward abstinence, I had to battle my own self (my worse enemy) and challenge myself to 'let go'- that it's okay to move on from any dependency to these behaviors. That life is worth living beyond our addiction, and that P has nothing- NOTHING- to offer us, 0 = value!

Each 'go around' seems for me cyclic, but in an upward spiral, I'm building on previous successes (big picture), and am coming to that place where a lengthy streak is to be valued like gold, and built on.

I'm grateful to read your journal, and receive your mutual support. I have every confidence that you're leaving this crap behind you, and being that better man for you and your family.
 
Really glad that it can help. The journals here have been fantastic. Exactly what I needed to start healing. I have a long road ahead of me as I assume you do as well. We're in the 40 plus thread and I'm 53. So, 60 days is nothing compared to the journey that got us here. So, although I'm thrilled with 60 days, I know that I can't get too comfortable. It's so easy to slip back into old habits. If I do happen to slip, and I'm hoping I don't, this time I'm not going to let it drag me back down. I'll just hop right back here on the forum, say I slipped and keep moving forward. No one is perfect. I just can't let one slip lead to the exact same thing as before.
You have an amazing outlook on this journey and are an inspiration to others wanted to get clean from this as well. I wish you much success my friend. You are so right it's something that you have to keep fight for every single day and there are many ups and downs but a life free of this demon will be so worth it. Take care friend
 

guitar1968

Active Member
Congrats, guitar on 60+ days! You're now in the zone where the neural chemicals that lock in porn-memory are subsiding, and the 'brain-fog' phenomenon (low blood flow to the brain) is subsiding.
Thanks Phineas. Almost a little funny that you wrote about the brain fog and porn-memory. I've been doing really good and of course on day 60 I couldn't sleep that night. I just kept having porn running through my brain as I tried to fall asleep. It was crazy. I kept trying to change the thoughts in my head and they kept going right back to old porn scenes and fantasy. Strongest since I started to abstain. So, I guess I have a long way to go to get to that point where the neural chemicals release me from my past. The good news is that it didn't send me back to the computer to watch porn or to masturbate. I just finally made it to sleep and then last night I didn't have any of those thoughts. I have no idea where they came from the other night or why they were so strong. I don't recall feeling triggered before bed.

You are so right it's something that you have to keep fight for every single day and there are many ups and downs but a life free of this demon will be so worth it. Take care friend
Thanks Time To Heal. Yep. It is a fight every day. I learned that again the other night. I feel ok today. I'm a little depressed because of several things, but I'll get over it. I'm not spiraling down or anything. I just had a day that wasn't as easy as many of the others.

This is going to be a struggle for a while. I'm in it for good this time and I am happy to be moving forward.

Stay strong my friends. We can all do this. I know for sure we can.
 

Nick Simons

Active Member
Hey Guitar-man ... I totally hear you bro. It seems like I have had the same challenges of late as well. Kind of 3 steps forward and a baby step back (as I linger for too long mentally on some old memories and pathways ... fully able to stop the thoughts ... but not quite totally following through immediately).

The good news - and what I am finding peace from - is in the realization that comes from just stepping back ... looking at the big picture ... and seeing how far I have come since I started on this journey (all the recent steps forward). I am in a way better place right now than I have ever been (like literally in over 40 years since this crazy addiction started) ... and when that reality sinks in, I can do nothing but feel encouraged, inspired and recommitted to eventually breaking free. That future path and lifestyle is a lot closer than my monkey brain wants me to believe it is. And this gives me hope and resolve to keep driving forward ... I hope it does for you as well.

Cheers mate.
 

Phineas 808

Well-Known Member
I have no idea where they came from the other night or why they were so strong. I don't recall feeling triggered before bed.

Someone I follow who beat an eating disorder (I'll often make comparisons between different addictions to learn about my own), that we can consider what you experienced as simply 'neurological junk'. It's the lower brain (limbic system) trying to get a hit. It feels despearate, because you're determined to not return to feed it, is trying to get you to use.

I've experienced similar things, and even to the point where they're personified for me, and that may sound strange, but that actually helps me to remember that those behaviors, or the person that I don't want to be, are my worst enemy.

Good job on just letting those p-memories just pass, without reacting to them (for or against). If such should reoccur, just view it nonjudgmentally as if you're watching someone else's story. If they should come with urges, just breathe through this, and they will pass.
 

guitar1968

Active Member
Thanks Nick and Phineas. Both of your replies were awesome and always helpful.

So a few new interesting developments. At least I find it interesting. I'm over 60 days now and things have been going well. But I have had more episodes of porn fantasy and desire to go back to porn in the last few days than I did over the first 50 days. Not enough to pull me back, but certainly the pull is there.

A new thing happened to me last night. I was followed on Twitter by a porn person. Happens all the time. I click through to see who they are before following back, see the porn and leave their timeline. No biggie. But yesterday when I clicked through and scrolled down a bit I found myself thinking, wow, I miss that. That looks fun. Wish I was enjoying that, etc. I lingered probably a few seconds long than I should have but did click out. That's not the problem. The problem is that I was looking at it with nostalgia. Like I just found a long lost friend on Facebook and realized how much I missed having them in my life. It wasn't run to the computer and starting masturbating. It was true longing.

I hate that I feel that way. I've been doing really great and I felt like I might be getting over the hump but having feelings like that about porn are really troubling. This is not something to look back on with fond memories. For those who have made it far longer than me, I would love to know if this fades. I just don't want this to cause me to let my guard down. It just didn't feel so bad looking at these images and feeling warm recollections.

Well, I'm here to fight another day. I saw it, I moved on, I did not engage beyond the minute or so that I was there. Those are all great things. I feel like my strength to walk away has increased drastically. I just have to remember all of the bad parts of porn and move on.

Be strong friends.
 

Nick Simons

Active Member
Hey Guitar ... I know exactly what you mean! It's kind of like warm "comfort food" ... you know it, you love it, you miss it when you have been without it for a while. I wish I had a better answer for you other than "it just starts to fade over time" ... but I think that is the truth in this case (and I like you still feel the pull of the "old friend"). Let's face it, it was tremendously fun and euphoric ... and that is why it is such a struggle to fully part ways (and why there are no recovery sites for things like root canal addiction :)).

But ... that pleasure is just in the moment and so fleeting ... and of course always leads to the inevitable crash and burn where I have found my "quick high" is invariably replaced by painful, lingering feelings of guilt, shame, and a sense of hopelessness. So I think it is all about overwriting the previously "flawed" mental definition of "what is really joyful for me" from "living in a perpetual, inward focused, vicious cycle of PMO" to "living in a healthy, outward focused, virtuous cycle of growth and connection with others". In a way, living more expansively and outside of just ourselves. That's where real love is I think.

I know this is all very logical and rational ... but I also know that we are fighting against headwinds that have the ability to sidestep what seems obvious in the moment given years of programming. So logical, rationale ... but by no means easy. I guess that is a long winded way of saying, it's back to just letting time provide the opportunity to fill up the brain with real live examples of positive experiences of what life on the other side feels like. And I think what has helped me a bit so far on my journey is taking time regularly to read through the various success stories on this site and others ... thereby stepping into other peoples positive experiences and making them my own (until I can live more personal experiences first hand).

Anyway, I ramble ... you are doing great, and I think this is all part of the reboot process ... but I am exactly where you are so I am doing this on faith at this point ... hoping this plays out.

Stay strong bro.
 

guitar1968

Active Member
Thanks so much for that post Nick. Extremely helpful. This site has helped in so many ways. I'm all over the journals here in the 40 plus category. I just feel like I'm talking to guys who have had similar experiences to mine. I don't have a lot to say to younger guys except to encourage them to get out now while they can!

I'm feeling pretty good. Again, I ran into some porn on Twitter. Surprise. How does that happen! But I just click away. It's weird. Very easy to dismiss it. Oddly enough, there was a banner ad on a site that I was on for Bombas of all things. Socks. But I guess they're getting into the underwear market now as well and they had rotating images of guys and gals in their underwear and the one model really triggered some feelings in me. More than the actual full on porn that I ran into. I'm not sure what that's all about. The underwear isn't even Victoria Secret kind of stuff. Looks like comfortable cotton. Oh the brain. It is a tricky beast. I still didn't run to my porn sites, I just really felt a strong urge.

Other than that things are good. 64 days into this experiment and I'm quite happy with my progress and my feelings. On a whole it has been easier than I thought it would be and I wish I had started this a lot longer ago. Maybe it's me coming here and dumping my soul out on these pages. Maybe it's the two guys I write to on here as accountability partners. I don't know. This is the most honest I have ever been with myself and all of you in my life. I know it's anonymous, but it still feels wonderful to reveal these secrets to someone. I'm still not telling my wife. I just don't see that going good, but I'm trying to be a better husband and better person and hopefully that shines through.

So for now, have a great weekend everyone. I tend to not write in here on weekends. I'm on my computer so much I try very hard to stay away from it when I can.

Be strong. Find Peace. Be Happy.
 

Phineas 808

Well-Known Member
I came to know this place of nostalgia when I was approaching the end of my 120 day goal! What helped deepen our addiction was novelty, and what tries to bring us back and fail is nostalgia.

I didn't handle this too well, as I think it was tied to emotional cues at the time.

Now, my thinking on this (as it may well come up again for me), and I've included it on my recent list, is to simply treat the nostalgic feelings as mere neurological junk from the lower brain, and dismiss them. Just as urges to look or act are themselves a thought, so too are feelings of nostalgia, and can be just as easily dismissed- even if at first persistent.

You're doing great, and you'll get through this as well! I like your approach, just remember all the bad that porn was for you, and move on.
 

Phineas 808

Well-Known Member
Again, I ran into some porn on Twitter. Surprise.

For all my hangups with social media, Twitter oddly hasn't been one of them...?? I haven't gone all out looking for it there, but nor have I encountered it, other than the occassional sex-bot follow...

I know it's anonymous, but it still feels wonderful to reveal these secrets to someone. I'm still not telling my wife. I just don't see that going good, but I'm trying to be a better husband and better person and hopefully that shines through.

Definitely! Having someone to open up our deep dark 'secrets' to is so helpful, even if anonymously.

There is certainly not a one-size-fits-all approach when it comes to how this plays out in our marriage... No one can come by and imply that telling our wife is a must, this is not only legalistic but dangerous (as marriages are literally hanging in the balance).

I like how you worded it here, guitar. It aligns with my own inward sentiment, that while I may not divulge everything to my wife in terms of my struggling (though she knows of past struggles), my question to myself is: If I'm not 'telling the truth', am I at least living the truth? What kind of man am I when no one is looking? Again, am I fixing this thing, albeit unbeknownst to my wife? She will certainly benefit from the kind of man that I'll be- or that I am- in my overcoming this.

Again, there are couples out there where there is deep understanding and mutual acceptance (even if there's hurt and anger), but they'll be committed to work through everything. But then there are situations that are more sensitive, require greater finesse and strategy that it's actually an act of compassion to exclude the spouse from the struggle. Not all can handle our truth. Not all can understand the struggles a male goes through, as completely different hardwiring is involved.

I think for many of us, it's more manly to not burden our wives with a struggle they were never meant to bear, and get ourselves out of the mess that we got ourselves into.
 
Top