My journey to be a better man.

guitar1968

Active Member
I like how you worded it here, guitar. It aligns with my own inward sentiment, that while I may not divulge everything to my wife in terms of my struggling (though she knows of past struggles), my question to myself is: If I'm not 'telling the truth', am I at least living the truth?
Hi Phineas, Thanks for your replies. I think we all have to decide how much we divulge and to who. There is no right answer. You have to know your spouse and understand how they will handle it as well. I'm not keeping it from my wife to be secretive. I've just gone down these types of roads with her in the past and I know how she will handle it. This is my struggle, not hers, but it certainly affects her. I need to take this journey on my own. I don't need someone watching over me, checking to see what I'm doing, questioning every move I make. That will only make me resentful and that won't help me get better. It might just push me back to porn.

My entire sexual life has always revolved around porn. I hate that this is the truth, but it is. I looked at my dad's Playboy's and Penthouse magazines before I was even capable of sex. That painted the picture of sex for me. I then started with VHS tapes which were of real, hardcore sex. That's before I was even 12 years old. So with that idea in my head as I ventured out and finally started dating and eventually having sex I expected it to be just like that. I wanted my girlfriends and later my wife to be like the woman from those movies. I resented my wife when she wouldn't be those women. Looking back, my wife was willing to do quite a bit and she did enjoy sex. But, I kept pushing and pushing and when she started pushing back and pushing me away, I decided porn was might right. I'm an adult, if you won't have sex with me, the internet sure will.

I just don't want to start resenting her about this. I can't put her in the drivers seat of my recovery. That seat is for me only. My wife is a take charge kind of person and I know it will be a mess if I let her in on it. Sorry to all of those who feel it is necessary to share with your spouse. Maybe that is what you need to do and I completely respect that. I need to handle this my way. So far, things are going great and I want to keep in heading in the right direction.
 

Phineas 808

Well-Known Member
This is my struggle, not hers, but it certainly affects her. I need to take this journey on my own. I don't need someone watching over me, checking to see what I'm doing, questioning every move I make. That will only make me resentful and that won't help me get better. It might just push me back to porn.

Definitely! I agree with everything you said above. My wife is very similar, and in the past, her getting involved actually caused me to go deeper into my addiction at the time, as the shame, the inuendos, her implying this or that, or the 'crack-judgments', etc, were too great a thing to add onto an already tough battle.

So, yes- our responsibility is to overcome this, but like you said, this is our battle- self created? Yes, but nonetheless our battle, but a victory that all will benefit from, whether or not they ever learn how hard won it was.
 

jjacks

Active Member
I'm not keeping it from my wife to be secretive. I've just gone down these types of roads with her in the past and I know how she will handle it. This is my struggle, not hers, but it certainly affects her. I need to take this journey on my own.
I made the same decision for the same reasons as you. She also had a lot of other stuff going on, like menopause and chemo, so there was really no need to add any more negative to her life. I also took some flak for it (here), you can read it in my journal. But, I believe that it was the right decision since I had the courage to stick with the program and beat the PMO addiction. A lot of help came from the forum here. I have been clean for more than 4 1/2 years now, and it is good for both of us, my performance still seeming to improve and our marriage stronger than ever. Keep at it and keep writing in your journal.
-jj
 
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Hi Phineas, Thanks for your replies. I think we all have to decide how much we divulge and to who. There is no right answer. You have to know your spouse and understand how they will handle it as well. I'm not keeping it from my wife to be secretive. I've just gone down these types of roads with her in the past and I know how she will handle it. This is my struggle, not hers, but it certainly affects her. I need to take this journey on my own. I don't need someone watching over me, checking to see what I'm doing, questioning every move I make. That will only make me resentful and that won't help me get better. It might just push me back to porn.

My entire sexual life has always revolved around porn. I hate that this is the truth, but it is. I looked at my dad's Playboy's and Penthouse magazines before I was even capable of sex. That painted the picture of sex for me. I then started with VHS tapes which were of real, hardcore sex. That's before I was even 12 years old. So with that idea in my head as I ventured out and finally started dating and eventually having sex I expected it to be just like that. I wanted my girlfriends and later my wife to be like the woman from those movies. I resented my wife when she wouldn't be those women. Looking back, my wife was willing to do quite a bit and she did enjoy sex. But, I kept pushing and pushing and when she started pushing back and pushing me away, I decided porn was might right. I'm an adult, if you won't have sex with me, the internet sure will.

I just don't want to start resenting her about this. I can't put her in the drivers seat of my recovery. That seat is for me only. My wife is a take charge kind of person and I know it will be a mess if I let her in on it. Sorry to all of those who feel it is necessary to share with your spouse. Maybe that is what you need to do and I completely respect that. I need to handle this my way. So far, things are going great and I want to keep in heading in the right direction.
I totally get what you are saying. I have been dating my girlfriend for 2 years and i feel like you this is my struggle and my struggle alone. I feel like it wouldn't go well if I told her the truth about my struggles day to day with porn addiction. It's not that I am being secretive I just feel like it's my mess and I need to handle that part of my life. I think everyone's situation is different and we all need to find our way of recovering if that means sharing your struggles with others or not that is a person choice. I wish you well on your journey my friend.
 

guitar1968

Active Member
Thanks guys. I really appreciate your replies. I'm glad there are others on here that understand that first, it's up to each of us who we share this issue with and second that have made a similar choice. Not all partners are understanding. Not all partners can separate the issues we may have without making it about them. I have been with my wife for so long, I know how telling her would go. It would be a mess. I don't need a mess right now. I need less problems so I can stay focused and keep moving forward.

With that said, the weekend was fine. Weekends are usually good for me. I'm away from my computer so much less temptation. But I have a busy week ahead and then family vacation next week. I'm pretty sure the next two weeks won't be too hard. Vacations have usually been my time away from porn and for the most part masturbation. I have on occasion found the time to masturbate or look at porn on my phone when I'm on a family vacation, but it usually didn't happen just because of being together most of the time, being in a hotel room, etc. I don't think next week will be any different. By the time I get back I'll be getting close to 90 days with no PMO and only two times masturbating with no visual stimulation. I'm feeling really good about that. I think I'm going to be able to keep it going now.

Thanks again everyone and stay strong and keep plugging away.
 
Thanks guys. I really appreciate your replies. I'm glad there are others on here that understand that first, it's up to each of us who we share this issue with and second that have made a similar choice. Not all partners are understanding. Not all partners can separate the issues we may have without making it about them. I have been with my wife for so long, I know how telling her would go. It would be a mess. I don't need a mess right now. I need less problems so I can stay focused and keep moving forward.

With that said, the weekend was fine. Weekends are usually good for me. I'm away from my computer so much less temptation. But I have a busy week ahead and then family vacation next week. I'm pretty sure the next two weeks won't be too hard. Vacations have usually been my time away from porn and for the most part masturbation. I have on occasion found the time to masturbate or look at porn on my phone when I'm on a family vacation, but it usually didn't happen just because of being together most of the time, being in a hotel room, etc. I don't think next week will be any different. By the time I get back I'll be getting close to 90 days with no PMO and only two times masturbating with no visual stimulation. I'm feeling really good about that. I think I'm going to be able to keep it going now.

Thanks again everyone and stay strong and keep plugging away.
I am glad you are doing well. Enjoy you vacation and family time. Stay strong brother!
 

Nick Simons

Active Member
Hey Guitar - just wanted to add to the "I agree" support you have received from others with my own re your position in what you share with your wife. I too am in the same boat and have opted to not share my battle and path to recovery for all the same reasons you (and others) have mentioned. Glad to see others can relate and we can have strength in that together.

Have an awesome vacation with the fam .... I too am on vacation with the fam this week . A great opportunity to reflect and gain perspective. Hope your time is restful and re-energizing!
 

guitar1968

Active Member
Well, I masturbated to orgasm today. No porn. Just my own thoughts. So, that is three times in the 68 days I haven't watched porn. It's not what I wanted but overall I'm still very happy and rather amazed that I have done so well. I seem to get the itch every 3 weeks or so and I'm scratching the itch instead of letting it slide. At least I'm not heading back to porn and I have found that I can definitely reach orgasm without porn. I still feel like I need to abstain completely from orgasm. I'm not sure why, but I just feel like in order to really heal my PIED, I need to abstain completely.

So, I have mixed feelings today. Happy that I stayed away from porn, but not happy that I fapped. I'm going to see if I can make it a little longer in between these sessions again. I'm definitely not letting this get me down or pull me back in.

No porn. Ever. Again.
 

guitar1968

Active Member
I guess MO wasn't a good idea today. It has unleashed such strong feelings to start up a private browser and go back to town. Yikes! It was not this strong the first two times I did it. I'm fighting it and I'm sure I'm going to win, but this is definitely the strongest desire I have had this whole time to go back porn. Not nostalgia this time. I am almost hungry for it.

I have to say, I hate that this can make me feel this way. I guess this is one good reason to stick with Hard Mode. Ughhh.....
 

CoolBreeze

Active Member
I guess MO wasn't a good idea today. It has unleashed such strong feelings to start up a private browser and go back to town. Yikes! It was not this strong the first two times I did it. I'm fighting it and I'm sure I'm going to win, but this is definitely the strongest desire I have had this whole time to go back porn. Not nostalgia this time. I am almost hungry for it.

I have to say, I hate that this can make me feel this way. I guess this is one good reason to stick with Hard Mode. Ughhh.....
Hang in there G. Just for today is all we need. Let's deal with tomorrow when it get's here.
Peace and Strength.
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
I guess MO wasn't a good idea today. It has unleashed such strong feelings to start up a private browser and go back to town. Yikes! It was not this strong the first two times I did it. I'm fighting it and I'm sure I'm going to win, but this is definitely the strongest desire I have had this whole time to go back porn. Not nostalgia this time. I am almost hungry for it.

I have to say, I hate that this can make me feel this way. I guess this is one good reason to stick with Hard Mode. Ughhh.....

This too shall come to pass.

The urges are strong but if you can just acknowledge them and let them pass through, I reckon you will be feeling okay again quicker than you think.

The desire to return is just a trick the brain plays on us.

Nothing more!

Trust me it's not worth it. I struggle now to get even a half erection over videos or pictures I craved two or three months ago.

Keep going Guitar, you're still doing great!
 

Nick Simons

Active Member
Hey Guitar,

I feel your frustration ... I have totally been there. What is amazing is that right now you are only 1 second away from being in the exact same awesome mindset that you were in prior to your recent MO. So just accept what happened ... and let it go 100% ... and be back to where you you were before you stumbled. You are not less of a man because you are struggling you are more of a man because you keep up the fight. However messy it sometimes gets - your success / self-worth / ultimate joy is from winning the war ... not being overwhelmed by the minor battles you lose along the journey.

Stay strong.
 
I guess MO wasn't a good idea today. It has unleashed such strong feelings to start up a private browser and go back to town. Yikes! It was not this strong the first two times I did it. I'm fighting it and I'm sure I'm going to win, but this is definitely the strongest desire I have had this whole time to go back porn. Not nostalgia this time. I am almost hungry for it.

I have to say, I hate that this can make me feel this way. I guess this is one good reason to stick with Hard Mode. Ughhh.....
You can beat this Guitar. You do not need this rubbish and I know you can over come the desires and urges. Stay strong and know that people here are always there to talk to. The technological world we live in a difficult place and they know our inner most secrets and desires to draw you back into the dark.
 

Phineas 808

Well-Known Member
Guitar, you'll get through this place and back where you're enjoying the journey.

I know since early on, you wanted to make place for masturbation, without P in your life. Maybe it is possible once you've fully rebooted...? Some perhaps do it, without the fantasy, just doing it 'mindfully'. That's what I've heard...

For me, as you may already know, I see M as part of the whole thing of P, PMO, MO. That's what I need to do to overcome it, as the behaviors were so entwined for me. In fact, I kind of view P as just an elaboration on the M experience...

But it sounds that you may not have anticipated how close the two behaviors could be, in that similar (if not the same) neural pathways are being fired up.

Either way, you're still on mark for being P-free, despite the urges. When they occur, just view them nonjudgmentally, and breathe through them until they pass. Neither fight them (the urges), nor feed them.

You got this, brother! Standing with you.
 

guitar1968

Active Member
But it sounds that you may not have anticipated how close the two behaviors could be, in that similar (if not the same) neural pathways are being fired up.
Phineas I believe you hit the nail on the head. And, I have been trying to staying away from masturbation but I have left room for it and I think I need to do whatever it takes to not masturbate at all. Yes, I'm still porn free. That I am happy about. That is the goal. However, I am really struggling after yesterday's fap. It definitely brought it all crashing back. And my wife and daughter are away today and I'm here in the house alone. Still porn free, still not masturbating, but I'm feeling desperate to do so. I'm on here instead and I have a ton of work to do so that should help me stay away. Leaving for vacation Saturday so that will give me another week away from it all.

Thanks to all who supported me yesterday and today with your messages. They are key in helping me get through this. I thought I was sailing along, doing great, wondering why I didn't do this before. I can't believe how easily the urges can come storming back.

I think I'll get through this and hopefully be feeling a lot better soon. Thanks so much for all the support!
 

Phineas 808

Well-Known Member
You're so welcome, guitar!

That's a major reason why I stay away from M, and edging is because I know that it's too easy to become habit, and may serve as an 'outer ring' of the porn-pit. For me, it leads me back to other things.

While of course we can stop in the midst of any degree of 'acting out' and stop, divert, distract, 'change the chanel', it's kind of crazy- but, for me I can have the perfect resolve the previous day, but if I allow certain things, I may adopt a 'fuck-it' attitude, and just go for it...

This is why I don't put will-power on too high a pedastal, because I know that habit is habit, and that easily takes over when we're mindless. Again, for this reason, it's important for me to watch out for 'surrounding behaviors', or those habits that surround the unwanted habit.

Wishing you well, and if you need to message me here, I'll get an email alert, and will be of any help I can.
 

guitar1968

Active Member
Thanks again Phineas! I seemed to have made it through the ordeal. The porn cravings are fading and I feel a little more normal today. Happy to say I didn't go back to porn. That feels good. I understand how masturbation, even without porn, can be a gateway back to it. I haven't given up totally on masturbation because I know that even if things get going again with my wife, sex will still not be on the top of her list as a much as it will be on mine. I would like to be able to do it from time to time without the need for porn, porn fantasy or porn subs. I think that I'm a ways off from being able to do it without these strong urges. I just don't understand why the desire for porn was so strong this time, but the first two times it felt like a nice release which allowed me to easily return to my porn free life. Mysteries of the brain I suppose. But, I'm feeling great today.

So if you've been following my tale, I'm at 70 days porn free today. Masturbated to orgasm 3 times in those 70 days without using porn and trying to keep my fantasies about my wife. Probably got about 60% success rate there.

Very pleased to be keeping porn at bay. Working on the other desires and we'll see how that pans out. No Porn. Ever again. Thanks!
 

Phineas 808

Well-Known Member
Awesome, guitar! Yes, following your tale, and congrats on 70 days free! Just changing that habit, and clearing your brain, everything else will come into perspective.

As folk used to say around here (when I rejoined back in November), "Onward!"
 

guitar1968

Active Member
Onward and upward!

I leave for vacation tomorrow. It's 71 days today and after a week away I'll be getting very close to 90 days without porn. I may or may not write while I'm away. Really depends on a number of things: how good is the wifi, how much time alone will I have, etc. But if I don't write, I know that the week will go well. Family vacations have always been the time that I was away from porn the most. Of course, I often found a way to get a little in even if I had to excuse myself from the beach to sneak back to the room. That won't be happening this time. I've never gone on vacation with more than two month of no porn. I would always make sure to get a couple of good long sessions in knowing I wouldn't have much opportunity while gone. Ughh, what a horrible thought. I even hate writing it. This addiction is so strong and so demoralizing it's hard to imagine I've done this my whole life.

I'm comfortable where I am right now. Still trying to settle my nerves after my MO early this week that brought the porn thoughts flooding back. I honestly can't believe I made it through the week without diving back in. I'm sure it's because I could come here and get some of it out of my head. Thanks to everyone for your support. Better days are ahead and porn is in the rear view mirror and getting smaller all the time. Can't wait to look back and not see it at all.

Have a great porn-free weekend, week and life everyone.
 

JerryTX

Active Member
Awesome job Guitar and enjoy your vacation with the family. I am right there with you in the fact I would sneak and binge if I knew I was going to be without P for a period. So freaking ridiculous and I am happy that both of us are so far along! Day 76!

I have had 3 MO episodes during this current journey and never with P. Also have had sex only 3X during this journey. I agree that I have tried to stay away from it all - P, M, O but have had these 3 lapses but the good news was no P and just fanaticizing about the sex experience with wife. I didn't feel the guilt and shame as I did with PMO but I also want to get to the point of no MO. Unfortunately my sex drive has calmed but it's still more than the wife's drive. I am happy overall with my results and wish the best for you. We will be at 90 days before you know it!

Stay strong!
 
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