My journey to be a better man.

guitar1968

Active Member
90 days ago I had enough! Porn and Masturbation ruled my days and I no longer even enjoyed it. I just did it because of habit, addiction, and because I felt like I had to. I decided it was time to walk away.

Today I am celebrating my success over the past 90 days. I've had some bumps in the road for sure, but I can't believe I've made it this far. I'm not thinking too much about the future right now, just feeling good about where I'm at. I would really like to work on my anxiety and stress more in the next 90 days while still being sure to be mindful about sex and masturbation. I'm not letting those thoughts and feelings that come up to control me.

Some can work MO back into their life, say, after they've successfully rebooted. They do it 'mindfully', without fantasy. Good for them, lol...! For me, it's part of the whole thing I want to get away from.
As always, thanks for the reply Phineas. I do think that MO is a big part of PMO especially for those of us over 50. We started with just masturbation as kids, maybe we found a magazine or maybe we were just in our bed late at night and fantasizing about all the possibilities out there. I know that my body could use a nice long break from it and that it would most likely help me heal quicker to be away from it. We'll see how things go. The fact that I'm at day 90 today and have had only 5 orgasms during that time truly amazes me. And, I had them without porn or a computer. I'm not sure I'll ever completely be away from masturbation, but we'll see. It does show me that I can control myself and still enjoy life. Before this reboot in those 90 days I may have normally had 100, 110, 120 orgasms.

Enjoy the day everyone. Remember you can do this. You have the ability to change. I never thought I could come this far. It is possible to make it through a day, a week, even a month without looking at porn. I know, hard to believe!

I wish you all great success on your journey.
 

JerryTX

Active Member
Awesome Awesome job Guitar! Very similar journeys you and I. I had sex 4 times with O during the 90 days but also 4 MO in what I learned was the "chaser effect" which all MO occurred less than 3 days after sex. All the MO sessions were fanaticizing about the sexual encounter that recently had happened so like you no computer, no Iphone, NO P! Proud that you, Nick, and I made it to where we all started from! Let's keep the journey up and stay strong!
 

Phineas 808

Well-Known Member
Congrats on day 90, Guitar!

That is an accomplishment, only 5 orgasms out of what could have been 100 - 120 in that same time period!

You're a man in control of himself.
 

Nick Simons

Active Member
Awesome job Guitar ... what a great 90 days. I think you also have the right mindset as you look ahead and start to think about other related areas to work on ... my guess is there are layers to conquer as we continue on our respective journeys.

Congrats and good luck.
 
90 days ago I had enough! Porn and Masturbation ruled my days and I no longer even enjoyed it. I just did it because of habit, addiction, and because I felt like I had to. I decided it was time to walk away.

Today I am celebrating my success over the past 90 days. I've had some bumps in the road for sure, but I can't believe I've made it this far. I'm not thinking too much about the future right now, just feeling good about where I'm at. I would really like to work on my anxiety and stress more in the next 90 days while still being sure to be mindful about sex and masturbation. I'm not letting those thoughts and feelings that come up to control me.


As always, thanks for the reply Phineas. I do think that MO is a big part of PMO especially for those of us over 50. We started with just masturbation as kids, maybe we found a magazine or maybe we were just in our bed late at night and fantasizing about all the possibilities out there. I know that my body could use a nice long break from it and that it would most likely help me heal quicker to be away from it. We'll see how things go. The fact that I'm at day 90 today and have had only 5 orgasms during that time truly amazes me. And, I had them without porn or a computer. I'm not sure I'll ever completely be away from masturbation, but we'll see. It does show me that I can control myself and still enjoy life. Before this reboot in those 90 days I may have normally had 100, 110, 120 orgasms.

Enjoy the day everyone. Remember you can do this. You have the ability to change. I never thought I could come this far. It is possible to make it through a day, a week, even a month without looking at porn. I know, hard to believe!

I wish you all great success on your journey.
Awesome job and congrats on reaching 90 days. Just starting my journey you give me so much hope that maybe just maybe I can do this too. Good lucky on your next 90 days and working on other areas of your life! I wish you much success
 

otanerferguson

Active Member
90 days ago I had enough! Porn and Masturbation ruled my days and I no longer even enjoyed it. I just did it because of habit, addiction, and because I felt like I had to. I decided it was time to walk away.

Today I am celebrating my success over the past 90 days. I've had some bumps in the road for sure, but I can't believe I've made it this far. I'm not thinking too much about the future right now, just feeling good about where I'm at. I would really like to work on my anxiety and stress more in the next 90 days while still being sure to be mindful about sex and masturbation. I'm not letting those thoughts and feelings that come up to control me.


As always, thanks for the reply Phineas. I do think that MO is a big part of PMO especially for those of us over 50. We started with just masturbation as kids, maybe we found a magazine or maybe we were just in our bed late at night and fantasizing about all the possibilities out there. I know that my body could use a nice long break from it and that it would most likely help me heal quicker to be away from it. We'll see how things go. The fact that I'm at day 90 today and have had only 5 orgasms during that time truly amazes me. And, I had them without porn or a computer. I'm not sure I'll ever completely be away from masturbation, but we'll see. It does show me that I can control myself and still enjoy life. Before this reboot in those 90 days I may have normally had 100, 110, 120 orgasms.

Enjoy the day everyone. Remember you can do this. You have the ability to change. I never thought I could come this far. It is possible to make it through a day, a week, even a month without looking at porn. I know, hard to believe!

I wish you all great success on your journey.
Congratulations @guitar1968 I am proud of you my friend. This is a great accomplishment. I am happy for you!!!
 

guitar1968

Active Member
Thanks for all the comments on me reaching my 90 days. It is hard to believe for me. As I said, it hasn't been perfect, but not masturbating once to porn for 3 months really feels good.

Now, onto today. Twitter is still a big problem with porn. I was followed again by a few porn people yesterday and I lingered too long on their feeds. I know I should bail right away, and I don't stay long, but a bit longer than I should. The weird thing is that I'm not getting at all aroused by it. I don't know if it is a flatline or if it just doesn't do anything for me any longer. I guess it's good either way. I didn't want to masturbate, I didn't sneak into my office and fire up a private browser. I just closed the feed and moved on. In some ways it bothers me. I don't want to not be turned on, but at the same time I do. I don't want to feel dead. Of the few times I've masturbated in the last 3 months it was mostly because I wanted to see if anything could still happen down there. It's been several months of not feeling much.

I guess it's another day without PMO, but also another day of not feeling much. My logical brain tells me it's part of the process, but my emotional brain tells me that it will never work right again and to give up. I guess I need to just try not thinking so much.

So, very weird emotional state right now. Happy about my ability to gain some control over this and at the same time feeling lost without porn. Very confusing place to be.

I'll keep marching on. I now know I can do it. There must be a light at the end of the tunnel but right now that tunnel just looks very long and I'm having trouble seeing any light.
 

Phineas 808

Well-Known Member
You're doing it, Guitar! This place is normal for where you're at now, and the brain cannot help but change itself. Just avoid pixelation as a way of testing, this of course is dangerous.

If there's a way to begin rewiring with the wife, that could be an area to explore. But I know this is a challenging area for you. Or the time apart sexually could help you to reboot more completely?

Either way, standing with you as you walk out your new found freedom.
 

Kelvis

Member
Very important to note that I am looking for an accountability partner. I would prefer someone in their fifties who is struggling like I am. A lifelong addiction to porn with a very deep interest in finally beating it.

Thanks in advance.
An accountability partner I don't know where to go with this. I see you are guitar 1968 which is just around the time I started playing guitar also of course I was going to have drugs, alcohol and plenty of sex my entire life for that was my dream. I haven't even picked up my guitar in 6 months. I don't know how to be accountable I've been PMO for about 2 weeks and saw a good looking girl today that I could have hi to but fear commanded, I felt that surge of the urge. I deceided to post instead of play so here I am at 61, the struggle continues. Accountability partner sounds good, I imagine nessassary, scares me I don't know how to open up and trust others for I'm only a few weeks sober, getting a game plan together so I do not relapse , can I trust myself? Been in the porn game 51 years. I have a deep interest also in finally beating it, I can be content or miserable, do we not owe it to ourselves to live in peace and freedom.
 

guitar1968

Active Member
So, things aren't much better today. There is some good news. I have not succumbed to PMO or MO. However, I have been dancing around the porn followers on my Twitter account. I came very close to just giving up and heading to the computer. I started feeling and thinking that this is all just a waste of time. My wife and I don't have sex. I'm not sure I want to leave her and I don't know how to meet someone else for sex. And, with all of my PIED problems I'm not sure how it would go with either option. It can be so overwhelming.

Again, I still haven't given up. Yet. I feel like I'm on a crash course for it though. I hate that I had a pretty easy go of this for about 80 days. Then the craving came back with a vengeance and now I'm holding on by a thread here. I'm at 95 days. 95 freaking days without jerking off to porn. I didn't even think that was possible. But it is. Now please help me convince myself that I don't need to go back. That I can't go back.

I believe on Friday and Saturday I was in the worst shape with the cravings. Yesterday for some reason my body and my mind calmed down. That is until I was trying to fall asleep and my brain was going back to videos that I had seen years ago and bringing it all back again. It felt so fresh.

I really thought if I made it 90 days that things would be fading more than they are. It is really driving me nuts here.

I hope everyone is doing a bit better than me right now. I'm going to try and hang in and get past this awful period. I truly don't want to go back.
 

Bilbo Swaggins

Active Member
All right, I’ll try.

My wife and I don't have sex. I'm not sure I want to leave her and I don't know how to meet someone else for sex. And, with all of my PIED problems I'm not sure how it would go with either option.

You say that these are the reasons why staying away from porn is a waste of time. But I say they are the very reasons why you should stay away from porn. I’m not playing with words, here. If a guy has no problem getting it up with a woman, then it’s not the end of the world if he watches porn. It’s different for us guys who suffer from PIED. Porn and PIED are probably the reasons why you don’t have sex with your wife. They are probably the reasons why you can’t see yourself meeting other women for sex. If we didn’t have PIED, we wouldn’t find ourselves in a situation like that. Fortunately, there’s a way out.

You’re worth it, man. Your life is worth it. Allow yourself to be a healthy man. Start believing in yourself. You need and deserve a healthy sex life. Never think that you don’t, man.

Keep it up! You’re nailing it.
 

JerryTX

Active Member
So, things aren't much better today. There is some good news. I have not succumbed to PMO or MO. However, I have been dancing around the porn followers on my Twitter account. I came very close to just giving up and heading to the computer. I started feeling and thinking that this is all just a waste of time. My wife and I don't have sex. I'm not sure I want to leave her and I don't know how to meet someone else for sex. And, with all of my PIED problems I'm not sure how it would go with either option. It can be so overwhelming.

Again, I still haven't given up. Yet. I feel like I'm on a crash course for it though. I hate that I had a pretty easy go of this for about 80 days. Then the craving came back with a vengeance and now I'm holding on by a thread here. I'm at 95 days. 95 freaking days without jerking off to porn. I didn't even think that was possible. But it is. Now please help me convince myself that I don't need to go back. That I can't go back.

I believe on Friday and Saturday I was in the worst shape with the cravings. Yesterday for some reason my body and my mind calmed down. That is until I was trying to fall asleep and my brain was going back to videos that I had seen years ago and bringing it all back again. It felt so fresh.

I really thought if I made it 90 days that things would be fading more than they are. It is really driving me nuts here.

I hope everyone is doing a bit better than me right now. I'm going to try and hang in and get past this awful period. I truly don't want to go back.
Sorry Guitar that you are having these feelings but yes it is worth it and you my friend have come so far in this journey. I have had some urges to look but I have found a way to calm my mind when they hit. As you know I am a few days ahead of you at day 97 today. I personally had to delete my twitter account as there was too much temptation on there that I know I probably couldn't handle. I know that isn't for everyone but I just had to walk away from it.

I have had sex with the wife 5X during this 97 day journey. While not knowing or purely in your marital situation I hope that you and the Mrs can at some point begin to discuss having sex again. My wife has been aware of my P use and those conversations have never gone well but after I feel we have made progress. She doesn't know that I am currently on this streak without PMO and I am planning on the "reveal" within the next few weeks. I am not sure how it will be received but I do think she will be understanding as she has in the past. Anyway not sure if any of this helps or not but just wanting to encourage you.

This addiction is tough and this process to remove it even tougher. I feel more confident that I have defeated this beast but I also understand the beast is always going to be lurking. Stay strong and praying for you and the wife!
 

Phineas 808

Well-Known Member
You don't have to go back, Guitar! Think of the negatives, how upset with yourself you'd be, how you'd feel like you could've kept going, but didn't.

The decisions about your marriage are serious ones, but I can say this: do this thing for yourself! Whichever way things go with the wife, you want to be sexually healthy for any of the possibilities open to you. You want real-world sex, you want real-world connection and intimacy. Don't settle for the cotton-candy sex, the one that's colorful, exciting to the eyes, but rots your soul. Remember what brought you here to begin with! You got tired of hiding in some office (in your own home) with your pants down around your ankles..., and I know you don't want to return to those inglorious moments of your life, right?

You will pull out of this. Trust the process. Give yourself better options, rather than dark and bleak ones. Be sure to not 'feed' the urges with these porn related Twitter accounts. You're there as a professional musician, and you deserve to be able to utilize Twitter without it being a downfall!

Be strong, and know that you're a better man than what your lower-brain is telling you right now.
 

jjacks

Active Member
Now please help me convince myself that I don't need to go back. That I can't go back.
I remember when I was trying to quit smoking and I when had proudly gone a month someone told me that the third year was the hardest. Well, it wasn't entirely true. It took a few months to get over the intense cravings. It took closer to 6 months before I could comfortably say no thank you to an offer of a cigarette. Probably a few years to stop being a nasty ex-smoker. And it took me about 9 tries to actually quit. But now, 35 years clean, I still sometimes get the thought ... maybe just one ... it's rare, but my trick, then and now, is to look in the mirror when the craving comes and say "I am not a smoker".

The addiction will try to pull you back. It gets easier over time to resist but you have to resist. I suspect that it is easier if you have a sex partner, but even masturbation thinking of someone real is preferable to PMO. I have been PMO-clean for nearly 5 years now and still come back here from time to time to make sure that I never go back. It really helps to count the days, to log your thoughts and successes and fears here. (My log started in October 2016.) The result will be so worth it, to be all the man you can be.

So go to that mirror and look at that dude and say "I am not a PMO addict". Do it until you believe it.

-jj
 
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guitar1968

Active Member
Thanks Bilbo, Jerry, Phineas and Jjacks! All of you had the perfect words for where I'm at now. Very helpful and exactly what I needed.

I'm calmer today. I wasn't too bad yesterday either. But I had a couple of seriously tough days. So, I'm staying the course. I really like what JJacks wrote about quitting smoking. I'm guessing it will be a similar situation for porn. It's a long road. If it was short and easy it wouldn't really be an addiction would it?

With my head more calm today I am refocusing and not even considering going back. I'm really glad I didn't break down over the weekend. It's really the closest I've been to giving up. Yesterday I meditated for a few minutes just to relax my mind and body. I've done meditation in the past and it always helps. I need to make it a daily habit again. Much better habit than the old one!

Reboot Nation to the rescue again. Thanks to all of you for being there for me!
 

guitar1968

Active Member
Today and yesterday weren't terrible. Still feel the draw to the porn, but not going back. I'm calmer today than I was yesterday and hopefully that calmness will continue. So not much to report. No PMO no MO. Just hanging on and getting through the days. I getting close to 100 days and I don't want to blow it now. Sorry, just realized that "blow it now" is not the best phrase for this situation!

All good. Stay calm, stay focused and keep moving forward. Have a great day everyone!
 

Kelvis

Member
Just keeping busy watching you-tube about what economist think about the climate, pensions, IRA'S, big banks that borrow against there own stocks etc. of course a person shouldn't let it bring them down I just do it to learn more about myself and what greed can and does do. It keeps me from thinking and feeling about the affliction of porn, the more I learn about my interests the more and faster I can become something other than I was. I have been able to accept the knowledge of what kind of a person I am to other humans, the way I feel and think when I want go full blower PMO, I am tired of not wanting anything after the fact. I know there is so much more to get out of my own skin like going down to the shelter and helping because I have been homeless so that would be a good thing, not having sucks. Learning how to use this computer is really hard for me and I need to journal so I have found a free class that helps and there is a free algebra course at the college in a few weeks. The thing I'm trying to do is to be prepared when the succubus comes, stay busy then I can learn to plan which I don't like to do so if I go for a walk instead of procrastinating the energy of the walk will give me the impetus to do the next productive action plus saying hello and a smile would be helpful. Imagine a better inner then outer world and do it. The change is for me.
 

guitar1968

Active Member
Thanks for your reply @Kelvis - I like your approach. Stay busy, learn more about your interests. When the porn urges hit, go to one of those other outlets and get lost there for a while. Hopefully the porn urges pass at that time. It has helped me so far.

So, I have struggled as of late but I can still say that I am PMO free. 99 days today. I still can't believe I've made it this far. Some days have been enormously tough. The end of last week into the weekend I thought I was going to be done. But I didn't give in. I was freaking out a bit, but got it under control. This week has been so much easier. Not sure why. But I have been busy all week, I have done some things with my wife and her parents, practiced with my band, got out of the office for an entire day doing a video shoot, so I think keeping busy really helps to push those thoughts away. I'm feeling much better and hopefully this feeling will stick with me for a while! I even woke up this morning with nice morning wood that didn't immediately disappear. It was a nice way to wake up.

As I head into the weekend, I am definitely more at peace. Tomorrow is 100 days. I will definitely celebrate that one a little. My goal is to get to 180 days without losing my mind. I'm really hoping the next 80 days will be easier. I guess we'll see! I know for sure that I'll coming back to this forum for most of those days and all of your support will continue to push me forward.

Thanks everyone!
 

guitar1968

Active Member
I just found this post: https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/too...my-thoughts-on-rebooting-extremely-long-post/

It really made an impact on me. In fact, I think it is a perfect transition into my next phase of recovery. That is going to be all about making my journal more about success and who I want to be and far less about counting days and complaining about missing porn. I don't have time to write more, but the philosophy in the link above is exactly what I need to do next. It's a long post, but if you have time, I really suggest reading it.
 

guitar1968

Active Member
I am going to start a new post in here shortly that focuses more on life goals. It will be a post that I come back to a lot. I need to focus on more than counting days and white knuckling it every day.

So here's an update. I woke up on Saturday morning after having had the most vivid sex dream that I can remember in some time. No need for details here. I woke up fully erect and I masturbated to orgasm. No porn, but dream induced? Porn like dream? Not exactly sure. It just felt good waking up that way and so aroused. However, I started and things died down. Yep, very similar to having sex with PIED. Things start great and then the erection goes away, panic sets in and that's that. So that started happening with just me in the bed. But then I got kind of annoyed and angry and instead of just walking away, which I should have done, I went at it until I made it happen. I let myself get really upset that I couldn't even masturbate without having issues and then determined to get there. I did. It wasn't great, but it wasn't awful and it truly calmed me down. I haven't thought much about sex, porn or masturbation since. I seem to be able to make it 3 or 4 weeks before MO creeps in. I'm not convinced now that I can totally give it up. It hasn't as of yet, mind you, brought me back to PMO. When I was close to giving in a few times, I didn't even masturbate. I seem to do that when things are good.

Not sure how to feel about this right now and that is kind of where I have been each time I have masturbated in the last 100+ days. I think it has been 5 times in total. I planned on trying to go hard mode but I'm failing at getting there. But at the same time I feel good about keeping porn out of my life. So it is a very confusing time for me. I have been exercising way more in the past 3 months and am feeling in general better, but I can't seem to quit MO altogether.

I'm going to keep focusing on health, work and happiness. I know I can keep porn out of my life and I am going to strive hard to keep MO to a minimum. I have so drastically reduced it and I feel fine about not doing it every day. Hopefully the further I get in this journey, that will reduce even more like it already has. We'll see.

More to come! I'm still in it to win it.
 
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