Humbling to serve her? The opposite is true. Giving her pleasure is the manliest thing I can do. As I heal, the pleasure I giver her increases and so does mine!
But for now, I have to work on me to be better for them both. I want to try to be better to them right now as I'm dealing with this on my own.
Wow Guitar lot's of similarities. The first paragraph is something I could have written.. WOW! Marriage is never easy but as it seems we both are realizing bring PORN into it doesn't help. Had a big fight with the wife this weekend and it stems from the pushing you mentioned above for sex and me convincing myself that I deserved the porn and it was her fault that drove me to it.. Like you said off the freaking rails!!! Mood swings have been apart of my 43 day journey but exercise and my faith have helped. Find your release. I am trying to be more caring and as you can see in my latest post had a failed attempt at sex over the weekend. Anyway praying for you and keep it up as it seems my moods are more aggressive if I have time to "think" myself into that mood. Plus I am trying to avoid alcohol as that caused major mood swings and big fight this weekend with the wife. Lessons being learned!Thanks JJacks and Phineas for your responses.
Phineas you nailed what I was thinking. Right now when everything is still just starting to get to a better state of mind and body with myself is not the right time to attempt sex. I've had problems for far too long and I don't really even want to approach it until I'm feeling like I'm on the mend at least a little. I think I will apologies for all that I have put on her. That has to happen. I also will tell her that I no longer use porn. As I've stated before, she knows that I watch, I've made it clear in the past that is my right to watch it if I want and that I'm an adult and of course, this was also not a great thing for me to do and something else to apologize for. I've had a lot of anger when it comes to our sex life. It was great years ago. But, I kept pushing for more, making her more and more uncomfortable and then I would get angry that she wouldn't do what I want and that we didn't have sex enough, etc. I really made a shit show out of it. And, I turned more and more to porn. If she wouldn't have sex with me, I had the right to take care of myself. But boy did it go off the rails.
So now I have to heal myself and then try and heal our marriage. Let's face it. Not all marriages can be saved. We have a lot of history, a lot of it not great. We have a daughter and we love her and both want to be with her all the time. When she leaves for college in a few years will really be the test for us. But for now, I have to work on me to be better for them both. I want to try to be better to them right now as I'm dealing with this on my own.
I have to say though that I have really been in a bad mood for a couple of days. Feeling very blah and my body is feeling worn out and tired. No desire to look at porn and that is great, but I feel like doing nothing. I have to push through this weird downturn in my mood. Could this be part of my recovery? Maybe. Sounds like a lot of people have trouble with mood when they can't have their porn fix. I really didn't have much of it the first 30 days or so, but now it has set in. Hopefully it passes soon.
Sorry for the long post. Good to get it out here even if no one ever reads it!!!
Great reply Jerry. I think we all have a lot of these same issues. It's great to write about them and it really helps me deal with the issues that I've brought about in my marriage. I can't take them back. But hopefully I can make up for them. I hope you can as well. Stay strong!Wow Guitar lot's of similarities. The first paragraph is something I could have written.. WOW! Marriage is never easy but as it seems we both are realizing bring PORN into it doesn't help. Had a big fight with the wife this weekend and it stems from the pushing you mentioned above for sex and me convincing myself that I deserved the porn and it was her fault that drove me to it.. Like you said off the freaking rails!!! Mood swings have been apart of my 43 day journey but exercise and my faith have helped. Find your release. I am trying to be more caring and as you can see in my latest post had a failed attempt at sex over the weekend. Anyway praying for you and keep it up as it seems my moods are more aggressive if I have time to "think" myself into that mood. Plus I am trying to avoid alcohol as that caused major mood swings and big fight this weekend with the wife. Lessons being learned!
I do find myself at times slipping into daydreams about sex, usually based on past porn surfing. Not nearly as much as I used to, but I do feel myself starting to get turned on and then I work to focus on other thoughts.
Well, my music is out there on every streaming service and youtube and beyond, however, that would blow the anonymity situation and I'm not there yet! Maybe some day. But I need much more time before I'm ready to come out of the closet so to speak.Keep up the good work, guitar! (maybe one day I'll get to hear your music )
Big Congrats on 47 days Porn Free.Hi All, I took the long weekend off and didn't post or reply to anyone but I'm back now!
So, overall great weekend. I didn't have any urges to look at porn. Now, I did sleep in all three days of the holiday weekend and when I was in those early morning, half asleep, half awake kind of situations I had very porny dreams. I also had a decent amount of morning wood along with them. I'm happy to have the erections, but it is very easy to slip back into the porn fantasies and I don't want that to lead me back to actual porn itself. Luckily that didn't happen and I really didn't feel like looking at porn at all. I am however getting a bit of an itch to have an orgasm. Again, I didn't and want to really stick to my guns here and see if I can make six months.
So for now, all is well. 47 Days with no porn and very pleased to have gotten this far. I have to say it has been easier than I thought it would be, but I have quit for a while before and it's just as easy to slip back in. That last time I made it about this far, I was tracking, but not journaling. I have found coming here most days, reading what everyone else is going through and emptying my soul out on the table to be very helpful. I know this is all anonymous, but it still feels like I've finally told someone. I've actually admitted to my problem. I'm not alone. I'm not bad because I'm addicted. This is very easy to get addicted to.
Stay strong one and all. We all have the ability to quit and be the people we want to be.
Great stuff, Guitar. That all sounds really positive.So for now, all is well. 47 Days with no porn and very pleased to have gotten this far. I have to say it has been easier than I thought it would be, but I have quit for a while before and it's just as easy to slip back in. That last time I made it about this far, I was tracking, but not journaling. I have found coming here most days, reading what everyone else is going through and emptying my soul out on the table to be very helpful. I know this is all anonymous, but it still feels like I've finally told someone. I've actually admitted to my problem. I'm not alone. I'm not bad because I'm addicted. This is very easy to get addicted to.