My journey to be a better man.

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
Hi All, I've been away for a bit getting ready for vacation and then going on vacation. I'm back and ready to report in.

I'll start with the good. 82 days porn free. I've stumbled on some porn here and there, but easily just closed it down and it never lead to anything. Feeling great about that.

Now, let's not call it the bad, but things that could be improved. I was at the beach. A lot of very small bathing suits and of course a lot of fantasy. And, I have been trying to avoid masturbation to orgasm but I did find myself alone in the condo last week and I did masturbate. Again, no porn. So that would be 4 times masturbating in 82 days. The reason I don't want to say "The Bad" here is because I'm really proud of where I'm at. I was an everyday porn person, some times I would have porn up on my screen all day. I thought I could never kick it and here I am 82 days later and I haven't had porn up on my screen at all. I haven't sat here with my pants around my ankles with my family downstairs, I haven't felt the shame of the hardcore porn I used to watch, I haven't been going to live chat sites and so much more. This is a major win. I had hoped to go hard mode but I am finding that to be a little more difficult. But I am not masturbating every day or even every week. It's seldom. I'm waking up with major morning wood. I'm feeling much more alive. I'm focusing on other things. It has been a great experience.

So, I'm on the brink of hitting 90 days without porn. I never want to go back. I want to keep my MO to a minimum and not make it something that I need to do every day or even every week. I want to keep coming back here most days and keeping my mind focused on enjoying life without porn. I now see that it is possible. 82 days ago I didn't think it was possible.

Thanks for all the encouragement. This forum is what has helped the most.
 

jjacks

Active Member
Congrats on the 82 days. Keeping porn out of your life is a huge step. It just keeps getting easier and the morning woods more frequent as the number goes up.

As for the masturbation, I am not sure whether there is an easy answer. For me, the measure of success was getting it up and keeping it up with my wife. Having sex went from a scary (anxiety-filled) experience to a celebration of giving-her-pleasure love. At our age (me 72 her 69) we do not do it often, maybe monthly, so I have masturbated from time to time during the reboot, now over 4 1/2 years since I started. (Example, once to orgasm in 2021 so far, more frequently not to orgasm.) We get horny, it's a guy thing. But, to repeat, the real celebration is the end of PIED. Sounds like you are getting there.
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Great job on 82 days P-free, Guitar! Welcome back!

Proud of all your accomplishments, and am inspired by them. Only 4 MO's in 82 days is pretty darn good, especially like you said, when you were once a P-everday type person...

I would agree and say there is no 'bad' here, because you took something that's incredibly challenging for any of us to overcome, and you're doing it. And none of it looks like a perfectly straight line for us, but we know what success looks like for us, and you're on your way!

Looking forward to celebrate you 90 soon!
 
Hi All, I've been away for a bit getting ready for vacation and then going on vacation. I'm back and ready to report in.

I'll start with the good. 82 days porn free. I've stumbled on some porn here and there, but easily just closed it down and it never lead to anything. Feeling great about that.

Now, let's not call it the bad, but things that could be improved. I was at the beach. A lot of very small bathing suits and of course a lot of fantasy. And, I have been trying to avoid masturbation to orgasm but I did find myself alone in the condo last week and I did masturbate. Again, no porn. So that would be 4 times masturbating in 82 days. The reason I don't want to say "The Bad" here is because I'm really proud of where I'm at. I was an everyday porn person, some times I would have porn up on my screen all day. I thought I could never kick it and here I am 82 days later and I haven't had porn up on my screen at all. I haven't sat here with my pants around my ankles with my family downstairs, I haven't felt the shame of the hardcore porn I used to watch, I haven't been going to live chat sites and so much more. This is a major win. I had hoped to go hard mode but I am finding that to be a little more difficult. But I am not masturbating every day or even every week. It's seldom. I'm waking up with major morning wood. I'm feeling much more alive. I'm focusing on other things. It has been a great experience.

So, I'm on the brink of hitting 90 days without porn. I never want to go back. I want to keep my MO to a minimum and not make it something that I need to do every day or even every week. I want to keep coming back here most days and keeping my mind focused on enjoying life without porn. I now see that it is possible. 82 days ago I didn't think it was possible.

Thanks for all the encouragement. This forum is what has helped the most.

Great job on reaching 82 days and beyond. It sounds like you have a very good approach to things. Reading your story and others inspires me on the journey I am starting to be free of this once and for all. Keep up the great work!
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
Thanks JJacks, Phineas and Time To Heal. Your support is very helpful!

Not much to report on today. No porn, no masturbation.

I feel like porn is ghost or an itch in my brain right now. It's always there whispering to me, but it is getting quieter. I have absolutely learned that I do not need porn and I only rarely need to masturbate. It just isn't necessary. I hate that for all these years I felt like I had to do it.

Getting better all the time. Doing other things. Keeping busy and moving on. It feels really fantastic.
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
Not much to write today. No porn. No fap. That itchy feeling is still there. I still have this nostalgic feeling for viewing porn. I wish it would go away for good. Just goes to show that the road is a long one.

Hope everyone is doing well and winning their battle with this thing!
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
I'm struggling today. I want porn pretty badly. I ran into some porn on my Twitter account and it really made me want to jump back in. I'm at 85 days and the feelings right now are so strong. I'm here instead of at some porn site, but if I'm being honest, right now I'd rather be with the porn! So, I'm going to get through it. I know I am. But I don't know how I can do this forever. It has to start fading more. I've had ups and downs over the last 85 days. This is a down.

Last night I was talking to my wife about friends of ours who are alcoholics. I used to drink, at some points quite a lot. But I never felt like I needed to and when I stopped hanging out as much with old friends I just kind of stopped. Never made a conscious decision to, just stopped buying beer and wine and never really missed it. I was thinking to myself that this must be how many people deal with porn. They use it once and while and then they don't. I wish it was that way for me.
 

Nick Simons

Active Member
Hey Guitar-man, first let me say that I am praying for you - I know your struggle oh so well and I know how tough it can be to overcome it. I obviously don't know you that well but from what I have read in your ongoing journal, you are a good man, a man who has suffered because of your addiction and a man who sincerely wants to change his life. These are noble things and so all I can add is just to embrace these terrific facets of your character. I don't know if that will provide you with enough grounding to break free ... but I believe there are moments (like these) where we are tested to see if we can come out of the shadows and save ourselves. How great this would be if this was your moment.

Keep fighting - even if you can just put it off for one more day.

I am a bit of a movie fan and I find much inspiration from them. Hoping this helps keep you on the ledge for just 1 more day. From "Wall Street", Lou Mannheim played by Hal Holbrook gives Bud Fox (Charlie Sheen) some profound words of wisdom, just before Bud is arrested for insider trading, he says, "Man looks into the abyss, there's nothing staring back at him, at that moment man finds his character, and THAT is what keeps him out of the abyss."

Stay strong my friend.
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
I know of this place of nostalgia, Guitar, as I've previously shared. That, along with some new things I discovered on Youtube (innocent, but could be misused), I eventually lapsed after 139 days! As a cautionary tale, don't cave, because it's really difficult to get another lengthy streak going... As an example, I hadn't gone past 35 days (counting P, and MO) since before March 25- until finally, recently! It's been a little up and down for me, what even looks like a downward trend... But, trying to quit now for decades, I kind of expected how this would go, and haven't given up.

Dig in, and reaffirm your Why's- why you want to quit to begin with. What does it mean to you to be a 'better man', one who doesn't view porn? What will it mean to you to get your sexuality back, in terms of physical health and absence of unwanted behaviors? How did you use to feel after a PMO session, did you feel good about it? Did you feel proud? Did you accomplish something good and healthy? Think about your 'rock-bottom', and how that felt. Any flirtation with P-use leads right back to that crappy place.

Treat P-nostalgia, P-memories, lapse-anticipation, treat it all as simply thoughts, urges from the lower (animal) brain, trying to get it's dopamine hits. And be aware of where you may be 'responding' to urges (for or against), even if these are judgmental thoughts against yourself- and nip that in the bud, so as to not strengthen this habit on some other level.

You're doing great, and I'm sure you will make it through this, and remember that, despite all the pleasure, this stuff really sux, and is anit-human, anti-love, and very self-destructive.

Peace.
 

CoolBreeze

Active Member
I'm struggling today. I want porn pretty badly. I ran into some porn on my Twitter account and it really made me want to jump back in. I'm at 85 days and the feelings right now are so strong. I'm here instead of at some porn site, but if I'm being honest, right now I'd rather be with the porn! So, I'm going to get through it. I know I am. But I don't know how I can do this forever. It has to start fading more. I've had ups and downs over the last 85 days. This is a down.

Last night I was talking to my wife about friends of ours who are alcoholics. I used to drink, at some points quite a lot. But I never felt like I needed to and when I stopped hanging out as much with old friends I just kind of stopped. Never made a conscious decision to, just stopped buying beer and wine and never really missed it. I was thinking to myself that this must be how many people deal with porn. They use it once and while and then they don't. I wish it was that way for me.
I hope you're doing well my friend. I shut down all of my social media. I had a regular Twitter and a Twitter where I followed porn stars etc. I deleted the porn stars but I just don't go on Twitter at all. I had to take it back to basics. Like when I was a kid and there were only magazines. Well those magazines were hard as hell to get back then and there was nothing else. Now with everything is a keystroke away I had to sort of get off the grid. Hang strong my friend.
 

jjacks

Active Member
Never made a conscious decision to, just stopped buying beer and wine and never really missed it. I was thinking to myself that this must be how many people deal with porn. They use it once and while and then they don't. I wish it was that way for me.
I do not think this is the same. If you had been addicted to alcohol, you would have gone through an extremely difficult time to quit. And even more so because alcohol consumption is socially acceptable, so it is not like you would have to hide that once in a while drink. Porn really isn't the same. Same deal with cigarettes. I quit smoking 30 years ago and I still get the urge. Like you say earilier, you still get that itch. This is an addiction, and your body will do everything to fool you back into it, to find that moment of weakness. You must remain vigilant, keep your focus on the goal to rid yourself of this monster and become all the man you are once again.
 

JerryTX

Active Member
Guitar nice job getting this far and way to fight those urges! I too had to delete my Twitter account for good and really monitor IG posts and follows. Twitter was just too much and I am better off without it. No P for me for the last 90 days! I have MO twice but without P and this has happened within the first few days after sex with the wife. "Chaser Effect" was what caused this urge to MO. You have got this and keep up the good work! We soon will be looking back with 100 days of No P! Thanks for your journal and prayers to you to continue to battle and WIN!
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
Thanks for all your words of encouragement. I don't have time to individually reply to each of you right now. I want to get my weekend story written before an upcoming meeting.

So this weekend continued to be tough. I did run into another porn account on twitter and I lingered much longer than I should have. I did not masturbate, I did not go back to my old sites or and other type of porn. I did stop myself from looking any more and got a grip on it. However, the next day I did masturbate. Not to porn. I used a fantasy of me and my wife. At first I had trouble staying hard or even really getting hard and then I relaxed and quickly finished. Even though it wasn't to porn, I just felt terrible afterwards. I felt week and uncomfortable with myself. This battle is so strange. It used to give me pleasure, now it makes me feel horrible and yet, I still want to do it. WTF?

As you can see the weekend wasn't great. A very short period of porn viewing, by accident, but sure enough I saw it. Just posted pictures and I don't think I was on the feed for more than a minute or two, but it stirred things in me and that is what I'm trying to avoid. At this point, I'm not going to follow back any new followers. I have thought about shutting down my twitter account, but I use it to share my music and I'm involved in a huge community and that's where it all takes place. I may have to shut it down eventually, but I just can't at the moment.

I'm at 88 days today without PMO. Have I seen some porn or nudity in those 88 days? Yes. Not much, but yes. Did it send me back to my old ways? No, not yet, but boy it is calling for me. 88 days not PMO is a great thing. It really is. 5 orgasms in 88 day, I never thought I could MO so little in that amount of time. So great progress has been made. I wish I could feel better about it.

Sorry for being such a downer lately. I've been a pretty positive member here and I don't like this feeling of hanging on by my finger tips. I had hoped to feel much better at this point. I'm hoping it's one of those "darkest before the dawn" kind of things, but in all honesty I think it will be an ongoing struggle for quite a while.

I hope you are all doing well in your Journey's. I'm still pulling for you all and I appreciate all the help and feedback. It is essential in getting through this. You are the people I can tell all about it and it helps.
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Hey, Guitar!

I know this place where you're at right now, and you're not alone, brother.

The purposes for your Twitter account are valid, and it reminds me of my struggles with social media. My main platforms are FB, IG, YT, and to a lesser extent (algorithms, ya know!), Twitter. Just as you use Twitter for your music, I use my platforms for my spiritual ministry. But like yourself, it can be a challenge.

Take heart, I don't think you'll have to shut down your account on Twitter. In fact, I would challenge you to keep it. I have all my accounts still, except for Pinterest, as it seemed to serve no other purpose- and it actually linked to (crappy 3rd world) P-sites. So that one made sense. But the thinking is this, take back power.

It's not about these sites 'triggering' you, though they may. It's about what you do (or rather don't do) with the resultant urges. Be smart, unfollow any sex-bot accounts, or ones that are obviously dopamine rushes just by their very existence... But I think that Twitter can be a big advantage for you in learning how to control your urges, or that urges can't control you. The more power we give to external stimuli, like a Twitter feed, the weaker we become.

Experiment with it. Delete any obvious content, accounts or links. Set a timer for yourself, say, 10 minutes to take care of your business- or to follow up, etc... Just don't treat it as if it will 'make' you do anything.

You got this, and I'm standing with you.

I'm at 88 days today without PMO. Have I seen some porn or nudity in those 88 days? Yes. Not much, but yes. Did it send me back to my old ways? No, not yet, but boy it is calling for me. 88 days not PMO is a great thing. It really is. 5 orgasms in 88 day, I never thought I could MO so little in that amount of time. So great progress has been made. I wish I could feel better about it.

If I may add: Congrats on 88 days! Yes, celebrate your victories- especially if you're struggling.
 
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guitar1968

Well-Known Member
Hey, Guitar!

I know this place where you're at right now, and you're not alone, brother.

The purposes for your Twitter account are valid, and it reminds me of my struggles with social media. My main platforms are FB, IG, YT, and to a lesser extent (algorithms, ya know!), Twitter. Just as you use Twitter for your music, I use my platforms for my spiritual ministry. But like yourself, it can be a challenge.

Take heart, I don't think you'll have to shut down your account on Twitter. In fact, I would challenge you to keep it. I have all my accounts still, except for Pinterest, as it seemed to serve no other purpose- and it actually linked to (crappy 3rd world) P-sites. So that one made sense. But the thinking is this, take back power.

It's not about these sites 'triggering' you, though they may. It's about what you do (or rather don't do) with the resultant urges. Be smart, unfollow any sex-bot accounts, or ones that are obviously dopamine rushes just by their very existence... But I think that Twitter can be a big advantage for you in learning how to control your urges, or that urges can't control you. The more power we give to external stimuli, like a Twitter feed, the weaker we become.

Experiment with it. Delete any obvious content, accounts or links. Set a timer for yourself, say, 10 minutes to take care of your business- or to follow up, etc... Just don't treat it as if it will 'make' you do anything.

You got this, and I'm standing with you.



If I may add: Congrats on 88 days! Yes, celebrate your victories- especially if you're struggling.
Thanks Phineas! The reason I see the porn on twitter is usually when I'm reviewing followers. I click on the account to see if it is a porn account so I can make sure I don't follow. I never follow them back so I never get porn on my feed. My 15 year old daughter follows me on Twitter and I don't need that crap on my feed. But I have over 10,000 followers so it can be a little tricky to avoid it altogether. I'm keeping the account, just being more careful and doing exactly what you are suggesting. When I inspect a follower if I see anything, I will try to get out right away and not follow. The music community on Twitter is pretty awesome and I rarely have issues. It's the occasional one that gets through that bothers me. Sometimes, they have no porn on their feed, so I follow them and I get a DM with a nude! It's always something.

For some reason I feel a lot better this afternoon. Maybe it was just coming here and posting that long post above. When I look at it I can't believe my honesty here. I think that is what's saving me. After my MO yesterday I considered not mentioning it here and then I realized that would be really stupid. This is where I'm completely honest. This is where I bare my soul and let you all know what's happening and how I'm feeling. Why bother concealing anything from this group. I'm glad I didn't white wash my post. Honesty always. That's my motto for here.

I don't know if I'll ever feel open enough to share this candidly with a friend or my wife. I just don't see it happening. I may open up to a point with my wife, but that will certainly be after I feel more comfortable with the whole situation. I imagine it being something like "you know, I have given up porn and haven't looked at anything for 6 months. I know it was bad for our relationship and I don't want that anymore" or something in that vain. She knows I use porn and I made it clear over the years that I'm an adult and that using porn is up to me. I was pretty much an idiot about it, and made her feel like it was my right.

So anyway, thanks for the reply. It helped and feel much better right now. Almost to 90 days. I wish I made the 90 days without the orgasms, but maybe I'll try that for the next 90. We'll see. I'm sure hard mode would be much more helpful to me.
 

jjacks

Active Member
However, the next day I did masturbate. Not to porn. I used a fantasy of me and my wife. At first I had trouble staying hard or even really getting hard and then I relaxed and quickly finished. Even though it wasn't to porn, I just felt terrible afterwards. I felt week and uncomfortable with myself. This battle is so strange. It used to give me pleasure, now it makes me feel horrible and yet, I still want to do it. WTF?
Not strange, same happened to me. For some reason, I can't get it up much masturbating any more. And if I do, the after effect is not good. But the minute I start with my wife, bingo!
For some reason I feel a lot better this afternoon. Maybe it was just coming here and posting that long post above. When I look at it I can't believe my honesty here. I think that is what's saving me.
Yes! That is the key. Keep writing. keep putting those feelings in black and white.
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
I'm short on time this morning so this will be brief. I'm feeling pretty good today. Things in my head just cleared up yesterday. I'm happy that I have managed to stay away from PMO for 89 days. I am feeling great about my accomplishment. I have come so far and I'm not going to let myself slip at this point. Hopefully I can go a few more weeks without giving in to MO, but if I do it won't be with porn, that's for sure.

So thanks everyone for you help while I was struggling a bit. I know I will struggle more but I know I can also get through it. That's the important thing. At some point my brain and body will realize what's going and they will get on board.

Have a great day everyone!
 

Phineas 808

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
So proud of you, Guitar!

You're doing the right thing with Twitter. With your follows, just being mindful as you vet them is key. Again, when the surprise DM gets through with the nude- what I would do in that situation is, set your phone aside and check your pulse- yes, it's racing. How about my breathing? Yes, it's shallow right now. And just take that time to breathe through it, 3-5 deep breaths, hold a second, and slowly release. In through the nostrils, and out slowly through the mouth. Then check your pulse again, it's slowed down quite a bit. Then you can delete the DM, block or whatever the follower, and go on with your day. I'll even do that last part later if I think it'll draw me into an obsessive state.

Yes, you're almost at 90! The next 90 days are yours to see what works for you, to MO or not to MO. It seems that they haven't served you as perhaps you would've liked? And given that PIED is a part of your story, hard mode may be more to your benefit. For me, I identify MO as part of the whole addictive system that I've been fighting in various forms since around 1993. In fact, I kind of view P, PMO, as an elaboration of MO.

Some can work MO back into their life, say, after they've successfully rebooted. They do it 'mindfully', without fantasy. Good for them, lol...! For me, it's part of the whole thing I want to get away from.

What you say above about being honest in this forum is so powerful and true! I used to wish for a place where I can just unload all my soul's deep dark secrets, another human being. I even thought of confessing to a priest, lol...! But, this forum on RN is that place. And this is why we can never be judgmental with other members (not that you ever are), but always compassionate. I had 1 or 2 members either misunderstand my approach, or actually project their own stuff onto me, and this may be subtle. But, then what's this place for if not to help each other?

As always, best wishes.
 
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