My journey to be a better man.

[guitar1968]

Thanks for all the support everyone. I'm definitely struggling and at a place that things could slide down or I can right the ship.

I have masturbated twice in the last two weeks. Both times in the bathroom, not in front of a computer. However, I'm finding it hard not to go to some porn fantasy in my head. Well, let's say fantasy born from porn. What I mean is, I'm not playing a scene in my head that I liked or a specific porn person, but I'm fantasizing about a person I had two hookups with many years ago and I'm adding on to that fantasy. I'm adding new scenes so to speak. So, not porn, but certainly with things that porn has ingrained in my head.

I'm still not feeling like I have to watch porn. I think I have enough stored in my brain to last the rest of my life. But I also don't want to feel this need to start masturbating all the time. 2 times in the last 2 weeks is too much. So, I have to be very careful here. I can feel the PMO side pulling me and I feel the past six months also pulling me in the other direction. Trying win the battle here and keep moving forward.

I'll keep checking in and reporting back. I'm not panicking yet. But I am a bit nervous. I don't want to let the old me back in the door.

Stay strong friends. Never give up.

 

[Phineas 808]

2 times in the last 2 weeks is too much. So, I have to be very careful here. I can feel the PMO side pulling me and I feel the past six months also pulling me in the other direction. Trying win the battle here and keep moving forward.

I definitely know this place, have been back-and-forth to this place for a while now (starting in early August). What makes it stronger and more a frequent challenge is repetition.

Repeating an action tells our brain that, Yes, this is what we need to do to reach equanimity or our normal place of happiness. Thing is, our brains will naturally come back to this place of equanimity on its own. Or, there are healthier behaviors, as you know, to get there.

Repetition reinforces the unwanted behavior, but also a repetitious non-response weakens it.

Just take it as it comes, breathe through the urges without judgment, without responding for or against them.

Standing with you, Guitar!

 

[JerryTX]

Thanks for all the support everyone. I'm definitely struggling and at a place that things could slide down or I can right the ship.

I can feel the PMO side pulling me and I feel the past six months also pulling me in the other direction. Trying win the battle here and keep moving forward.

@guitar1968 I completely understand where your coming from. There have been several times during my journey (similar timeframe) that PMO has been pulling on me. Good news for us both is you my man have that "Good side" pulling you away. Put that in perspective as I have! I used only be pulled into the PMO! Now we both have built this endurance to be "pulled away from PMO"! Hang in there and keep journaling! You have done so well and are winning the battle!

 

[guitar1968]

Thanks guys! Yes, I'm being pulled both ways and that is good. I'm not going to let myself slide back. I'm breathing through it, staying calm and soldiering on. I really wish I was one of those guys who could occasionally use porn and not be pulled in to full addiction. But I'm not one. So, the best bet is to just keep fighting it. Get stronger with each passing day.

 

[J01]

Good display of honest self-awareness. You can ride this storm out! Stay with it and stay in touch.

 

[guitar1968]

Good morning and happy Friday my friends! I'm in a good mood today. Practiced with my band last night and the music was sounding good and everyone was happy to be together. It always makes a difference.

I am however, sitting here with a bit of an urge to look at porn. I wish I could say I wasn't, but I am. I'm not freaking out, I'm just having that nostalgic feeling of missing it. Of thinking, hey it's not that bad. It's what guys do. However, I know how easily that takes us from one short afternoon viewing session to having the porn up all day and not getting anything done. I'm an addict. I know that I am and I always will be. As much as I hate to admit it, I also know that the MO sessions I've had recently are fueling that fire. Yes, they weren't in front of computer or phone with porn up on the screen. Yes, it was based on fantasy with a past encounter, but porn fueled those fantasies and enhanced them. I think the times I have felt the most at peace was when I haven't masturbated in many weeks. My mind and body seem to settle down.

Obviously the goal here is to not masturbate and instead have sexual encounters with my partner. Things have been better with my wife recently, far from perfect. We are not connecting in that way yet and there many reasons why. I am not sure I'm ready to not have orgasms at least occasionally. This is the tricky part of this entire endeavor. I am comfortable with the idea of letting go of daily MO's, even weekly, but every once in a while I still feel the need. I don't want it to become that slippery slope that takes me right back to the darkness of this addiction.

I don't know that I'll ever truly have the answer, I'll just have to be aware of what is going on and make sure that I don't lose site of the goal. That goal is not using porn. I'm hoping everything else falls into place.

Have a wonderful, porn free weekend everyone. Stay strong.

 

[Orbiter]

Good morning and happy Friday my friends! I'm in a good mood today. Practiced with my band last night and the music was sounding good and everyone was happy to be together. It always makes a difference.

I am however, sitting here with a bit of an urge to look at porn. I wish I could say I wasn't, but I am. I'm not freaking out, I'm just having that nostalgic feeling of missing it. Of thinking, hey it's not that bad. It's what guys do. However, I know how easily that takes us from one short afternoon viewing session to having the porn up all day and not getting anything done. I'm an addict. I know that I am and I always will be. As much as I hate to admit it, I also know that the MO sessions I've had recently are fueling that fire. Yes, they weren't in front of computer or phone with porn up on the screen. Yes, it was based on fantasy with a past encounter, but porn fueled those fantasies and enhanced them. I think the times I have felt the most at peace was when I haven't masturbated in many weeks. My mind and body seem to settle down.

Obviously the goal here is to not masturbate and instead have sexual encounters with my partner. Things have been better with my wife recently, far from perfect. We are not connecting in that way yet and there many reasons why. I am not sure I'm ready to not have orgasms at least occasionally. This is the tricky part of this entire endeavor. I am comfortable with the idea of letting go of daily MO's, even weekly, but every once in a while I still feel the need. I don't want it to become that slippery slope that takes me right back to the darkness of this addiction.

I don't know that I'll ever truly have the answer, I'll just have to be aware of what is going on and make sure that I don't lose site of the goal. That goal is not using porn. I'm hoping everything else falls into place.

Have a wonderful, porn free weekend everyone. Stay strong.

Sometimes I feel when there's no clear way forward and we're tested, we need to have faith that by continuing the path we know serves us well, the answers will comes us in due time. You've recognised the MO's are contributing to this rather than helping so perhaps it might be a case of finding another physical outlet to channel that pent up physicality into might help...perhaps an obvious thought but how do you go with exercise?

General suggestions aside, it sounds like apart from this you're going really well with your music, your life & your marriage. The path you're on I think will get you to where you can enjoy that physical release once again but it might just be a bit further down the road.

Wishing you well Guitar

 

[guitar1968]

Sometimes I feel when there's no clear way forward and we're tested, we need to have faith that by continuing the path we know serves us well, the answers will comes us in due time. You've recognised the MO's are contributing to this rather than helping so perhaps it might be a case of finding another physical outlet to channel that pent up physicality into might help...perhaps an obvious thought but how do you go with exercise?

Since I began this journey on April 15 of this, my monthly exercise has increased dramatically. I used to be twice a week on good month, many weeks only exercising once. So, that is a good thing and it has helped. I'm also picking up my guitar more instead of watching porn. So you are correct, finding other ways to channel that energy has been wonderful.

So, I continue to do very well. I feel no ill effects from my two MO sessions a week or so ago. I'm calm and not feeling the need to look at porn. I am very much craving sex and contact with my wife. I'm pretty sure she isn't feeling the same way. I would say this is the hardest thing. Wanting to have sex and a physical relationship and not finding a way to make it happen. Relationships are hard especially after years of problems most of which I caused. I have a daughter in high school and leaving isn't the answer. Cheating really isn't either so making things work is still my best bet. Just don't know how to make it happen. I'm trying to be more attentive to my wife, touch her and hug her more. I think I need to step up this type of behavior with absolutely no pressure to have sex. I need her to feel comfortable with me again and I need the same from her. Hopefully we'll eventually get there.

Besides that, I'm feeling fine. I had some time home alone over the weekend and watching porn never crossed my mind. I now look forward to my time alone to write and play music.

Much has changed in my mind and body over the past 6 months. I know that it hasn't been perfect but if I would compare the previous 6 months, PMO every day and often more than once a day with porn or a chat site up on my screen all day, to where I am now, it is a huge difference.

Hang in there friends. Things can get better. It's amazing what a few months can do for your head.

 

[workinprogressUK]

"I am very much craving sex and contact with my wife. I'm pretty sure she isn't feeling the same way. I would say this is the hardest thing. Wanting to have sex and a physical relationship and not finding a way to make it happen. Relationships are hard especially after years of problems most of which I caused. I have a daughter in high school and leaving isn't the answer. Cheating really isn't either so making things work is still my best bet. Just don't know how to make it happen".

I feel your pain, having been in a similar place for much of the last nine years. Maybe one way to look at the challenge is to ensure that our actions create an environment for reconciliation and future connection, and don't cause any more problems. It doesn't guarantee a happy ending, but gives us a shot.

On a separate subject, I heard Dr Andrew Huberman describe addiction as "the progressive narrowing of the sources from which our brains generate dopamine", or something like that. Which means that anything other than P that you feel motivation to invest in - exercise, playing music, writing music, builds distance between you and your past addiction. So keep at it!!

 

[guitar1968]

Well, I've pretty much gone off the rails the last few days. Found myself heading right back into the addiction that brought me here. It all started with a conversation with my wife that just upset me deeply. I don't ever see us getting over the hurdles that I've put up and maybe some she has put up as well. So, I just completely lost. I felt like what's the point. I can't leave now. She doesn't work and we have a daughter in High School. Maybe after she leaves for college, I don't know. But I completely got down and let it all wash over me. I went back to the behavior that I was using to numb myself for so many years. Now I'm just not sure where I'm at. I know I don't want to go back so I'm here instead. I have to gain control back before I completely lose everything I've built over the past 6 months. I'm hoping a day or two of being an idiot won't get the best of me. I'm going to do my best not to let it. I have to say, I desperately want a physical connection with another human. I can't stand living in this house without being able to touch my wife, hug her, kiss her and of course engage in sexual activity with her. It is making me crazy.

Do me a favor. If you're reading this send some encouraging words. I need them now. I've tried to be inspiring most of the time I've been on this forum, I need to find some inspiration now to keep me on this path. I feel like I'm walking a tightrope and I could fall either way at the moment. One side is right back to the porn life and the other side is freedom. I'm trying to fall the right way.

Thanks everyone. Keep at it. Just keep at it.

 

[Joel]

So sorry, Guit. That sounds so tough. Will have to read more of your thread to remind myself of your longer story. Sounds like you had 6 months 'sober', but then the real life that you were escaping and numbing yourself too was too much to take. I've gotten there and have been knocked back to square one more than once.

You now have the challenge of overcoming PA - though those 6months is in your arsenal, the quicker you get back to the path that you know is the right one, the better. As for your life situation - sounds like your main relationship is a major cause for concern. Can you get therapy for yourself or your marriage? I've gotten a lot from Zen practice, and recommend Being Zen: Bringing Meditation to Life. A key idea from this - for me - was that I needed to go inside myself to find my... let's call it: life light. You can say: my job and relationships give my life meaning, but what if something happens to those things. Especially if you're in a house with a wife you're not getting on with, if you can find equanimity in yourself, be clean of P, and go about your life with equanimity, from that point you can look outward, without getting hurt/ angry, and start working on the world you live in.

Have a good day, my friend. Relax, calm yourself, journal. And see you on the forum again soon!

 

[GeminiMan]

@guitar1968 - I am 36 now and been into chats since I was 21 and PMO since 16 . So two decades gone in my life sucking up to this habit loop which has only hurt my life and marriage time and time again . I have kids and want to become a righteous dad to them and a loving husband to my wife . I am learning from your journey that given a chance this habit will continue to ride out the rest of my life having me enslaved until I die throughout this long life , it may and most probably will result in my kids and grand kids someday discover about my bad interests and habits and then they may be disgusted about me and my life and being.
it really motivates me to kill this bad side of me “the adddicted self” as early as possible .

I still remember the day when I was about 17 years old, I had vowed to kill the PMO bad habits in my life before I turn 20 , but here I am aged 36 having wife and kids and still looking forward to get rid of bad chats and PMO habits .

@guitar1968 - I really like how you are battling this bad habit alongside many other relationship problems in your life and only getting stronger day by day in last six months . I lookup to you so please don’t let me down .
If you read any good books on recovery please let me know .

all the best
man in 30s

 

[JerryTX]

@guitar1968 so sorry that your feeling this way brother! While our relationships are different our journey is the same! I have felt this similarly with discussions around sex with my wife. Then the overwhelming feeling/urge is if she won't and I won't cheat the SHE leaves me only one option - PMO! This ruled my life for over a decade and I was done with it! This conversation and situation doesn't cure my desire however what you and I have come to know is PMO isn't the answer! You have come so far and your feelings are actual, however the answer as we both have discovered at this point isn't PMO. I don't want to dive into your relationship but I will say both parties are participants and need to work together for either goal--good or bad. My hope as your reading this over a day later is you chose freedom! Happy to accept IMs from you and praying for you brother! Good luck and proud of you!

 

[guiganvoger]

I'm sorry things are tough for you right now, Guitar. I have started therapy myself and I can feel that it has done wonders with how I interact with my wife and my attitude towards life. There is always hope. It is true that relationships take work and right now I'm sure it seems hard to keep working but it's what we all must do. Even if your marriage doesn't work out, you must keep fighting this addiction for yourself! You already know what the right answer is and you have spent over 6 months building the tools for yourself to conquer those habits. Remember everything you have learned! Good luck, dude!

 

[jjacks]

There are three things happening here - let's keep them separate.

First, the relapse. That one is easy. Just reset your counter. If you do not have one, start counting days of no PMO. It helps focus on the achievement, not the addiction.. We all fall off and reset our counters from time to time. And keep writing in your journal ... it really helps to see it in black and white.

Secondly, the need for physical contact ... a completely different issue, especially tough after nearly two years of pandemic-driven physical separation of our entire society. Even a hug from a friend can sometimes make you feel so much more of a "feeling" person. We haven't been able to do that. Wearing masks and keeping yardsticks between us just doesn't cut it. There is no easy solution to that yet. Some jurisdictions imposed vaccination rules, etc, to help jumpstart societal activities, but it's not over and that is not what we are here to discuss. That's a big problem driving a lot of loneliness, even in couples, but a separate one from the PMO addiction.

Three, also separate from one and two-- if the relationship is broken, then unless your wife wants to fix it as much as you do, you may need some outside help. I know a couple of cases of people staying in an unhappy relationship solely because of the child. That just makes three people unhappy. Children may not know the details but they know what's going on. Does your wife recognize the problem and want to get past it? If you cannot find a path forward with just you and your wife, then some counseling might be in order to bridge that gap. I wish I had more to offer .. maybe others know differently.

Big hug, dude.

-jj

 

[guitar1968]

Thanks for all the inspiration guys. Truly helpful. I had a good day yesterday and I got back to being more centered and calm about this. Not sure what will happen with the wife and I, it's been a long road. I have brought up counseling many times and she is dead set against it. She doesn't believe in it and feels it doesn't help people. She thinks all couples who get couples counseling just end up divorced anyway. So, she doesn't really say if she wants to fix our relationship, she just pretty much says I need to fix myself. Not about porn addiction, about many things. That's why I got so down the other day. No matter what, it's all me and not her and she just digs in so hard there is no talking. No two sides, just her side. I have accepted a huge part of the blame. But I am a decent person and a caring person. I do everything I can for my wife and daughter. I'm not out running around, partying, staying away from them. I'm here every day. Cooking, working, taking care of the house. I know I'm not perfect, but I'm certainly not awful.

I'm dealing with a lot right now with the relationship, but there are a lot of good things in my life and I need to focus on them. I had a small spiral here. I don't think I'm going to descend back to where I was. I feel like yesterday I bounced back pretty well. I've got stuff happening right now that will keep me busy so I'm hoping to refocus and not let this bump in the road deter me from living a better life.

@Joel - I will take a look at that book. I have been off and on with meditation, but I need to make it a daily habit. I have some chronic pain issues and I do hear it an be very beneficial. Thanks for the recommendation.

Again, thanks @jjacks @guiganvoger @Joel @JerryTX for reaching out when I needed some kind and encouraging words. That's why I come here.

Time to get back at it.

 

[Phineas 808]

Even if you should have a moment, an hour, an evening, or several days of excess, the next morning is yours for you to recapture the equanimity and self-respect of your mindful self - Stanton Peele.

Sorry for your recent struggles, Guitar!

I know what you're saying about your marriage to a degree, but your wife (and daughter) are lucky and blessed to have you as their husband and father!

You have to hold on to your self-worth, even when not validated by those closest to you. You have to be strong for yourself, if not for them. I know it's extremely difficult to maintain our purpose when those closest are combative and shift all the blame toward us.

I don't like confrontation, and I literally have to 'train' myself to defend myself in a fight with my wife, if and when it comes down to it. In my situation, it's often like fighting a four year old, lol...! It sounds like your wife has some immaturity if she can't see her own faults, or be willing to work with what she has. I don't like counseling in my own situation, but I know there's good counseling out there that can be helpful where applicable. Finding the right one for you is the challenge.

What occurred is just a bump in the road onset by obvious cues, emotional and relational. Very challenging for any of us. You will come out of this better, stronger, and wiser, Guitar! I believe in you, and you are a good man.

 

[guitar1968]

Thanks @Phineas 808 - I am treating it as a bump in the road. It probably won't be the last, but I feel fine now and yesterday was great. Got a lot of work done, played music with my band last night. Very uplifting.

The issues with my wife are a big hurdle. I want to make it clear, much of the blame is mine. I was selfish, my porn addiction played a huge part in me making her feel unworthy and not enough for me. I pushed to hard to try to make her into what I was seeing on my screen. That went on way too long and then eventually the PIED set in and things never recovered. There were a lot of other contributing factors in there, but again, I'll take 85% of the blame, maybe even a bit more, but she has rarely said I'm sorry in this relationship and she never takes any blame for anything. So, it's an uphill battle. And, she absolutely refuses to even consider counseling. I'm not sure it would work either, but having a neutral third party help us navigate our mess is worth a try in my opinion.

But, I'm doing a lot of venting here. I let the argument and our problems give me the excuse to slip. Yes, I was feeling miserable and hopeless, but I didn't lose those feelings after the orgasms. I just added another layer of problems on top!

My head is clear again. I'm focused. I'm trying to mindful when the sex and porn images enter my brain. I am trying not to cause any more problems with my wife. I don't want to be that triggered again, but the reality is I most likely will get there again. I have to handle it better.

Thanks for all the kind words and help everyone. I need this place to get my thoughts and my head around everything.

 

[guitar1968]

Hi All, not a bad weekend here. Yes, some desire for porn and masturbation, but besides some instagram and a few other brushes with porn, I had a pretty stable weekend. As you all know there is porn and sex everywhere these days so it's hard to completely avoid, but I'm trying to get my mind right again and get back on track.

So, I'm going to focus on work and exercise this week and try to stay away from things that don't help.

Have a great week. Stay strong and focused. Hang in there!

 

[LettingPornGo]

Hello Guitar1968,

Thanks for sharing your journey with others on this site. Although a minor setback, you are demonstrating great courage and awareness for others who are relatively new to the site and realization that we suffer from addiction and PIED. 6 months is a great achievement and you have built some great tools along the way to get you this point...hats off. Brush the relapse off, and it appears you are back on track.

As far as the marriage is concerned and being addicts, we have hurt our loved ones with this selfish behavior. Can't really provide professional advice, but for the longer term, you will ultimately have to make the best decisions for you and your life's recovery, to be the best man you want to be on this earth..with or without the wife.

Keep pushing and encouraging the rest of us.