It's amazing to me that I could do so well for so long just to end up right back to where I started.
First off, Guitar, sorry for your recent struggles!
That's the thing, brother, is you never end up back to where you started. I know, it may look and feel the same, but you're never truly at
0, even if your count, or non-count is reset. Think of all the progress you mentioned, think of your concerns are certainly not the same pre-April, am I right? Maybe you weren't too concerned before joining RN, but your level of wanting to better yourself, and the solid and/or gradual steps you've taken to better your life are by no means lost. Everything counts.
Anything that has helped you after a bad lapse, please share.
I've certainly been here, a few times, Guitar. I may be here again, but I'm not (trying to) plan on it... I've been close for a while now, and it's a really strange place for me, especially after a weekend fight with my wife. I'm coming back into an equanimous place right now, though... Last night I had a chance, I even took the phone with me into the restroom (around 3 am), but instead of looking up anything (it just wasn't in me- and I didn't want to force a lapse, if that makes sense), I deleted a couple links in Youtube.
Back to what's helped me after a bad lapse... (the following words will be what my thought processes are in the same place)
The thing about a bad lapse is it kind of 'resets' by itself. You know that's not what you want, not who you are anymore, and so all you can do is look up. There may have been a moment, a day or two, or three, but now you feel back to your 'baseline self', and you know you need to make a stand. What I do is think about the things that led up to it, not the relational stuff, but those little compromising things we do, like p-subs. I know that my current behavior was originally 'cued' - or 'triggered' if you prefer, and I acted on that to some extent. If you saved anything, or have follows that put you in that mood, delete or block those...
Do something that's going to tell yourself that you're making a stand. Forgive yourself, understand yourself, but put your foot down as a signal to your lower brain that you're in control now, and that shananigans are over. This can look like a recommitment to your plan (what you say originally worked for you), maybe tweek it to match your current situation. Challenge yourself to a new goal (small or big- though I suggest smaller goals to build confidence in your self-control). Record this, track it, and reward yourself in some way for keeping even the smallest goals.
Step back, Guitar, and take in the bigger picture- out of the year (since April), how many days you were abstaining versus how many lapses occurred, and compare that with pre-April, or pre-RN, and you'll see for yourself that you are indeed in the fight, and no one here (least of all me) is counting you out!
(PM me if you need to).
