My journey to be a better man.

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
Back for the second time today. I'm sitting at the computer realizing that when my wife and I fight my instinct is to go to my computer and look at porn. I feel it in my entire body. I get upset with her and the argument and I want porn to soothe my soul.

Man. That sucks. At least I know now. Thinking back, I think my frustrations with my relationship have always ended up with me seeking porn to unwind and forget. I'm not going to let it get me today.

Back to my regularly scheduled programming....
 

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
Good insight. How else could you regulate your emotions? Disharmony is so painful. Can you just take a timeout by going for a run or walk, to gain perspective?
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
Happy Friday Rebooters! Hope all is going well. I'm good. Feeling strong and not too interested in porn. On Monday it will be 4 weeks and the weeks have been tremendously easy compared to past attempts. I've had much longer streaks, but I don't think my mind was as comfortable. Not letting my guard down. Just enjoying the wave.

On another note, sexual feelings have been coming up more. But not porn feelings. Feelings of longing I suppose. My wife and I don't have sex, don't sleep in the same room, don't hug, kiss or cuddle. Most of that has gone out the window. So, I want sex for sure, but I'd love to just have a hug every now and then. Sit on a couch together watching TV. Some kind of connection. That is the main thing that is missing and from a good and healthy connection I'm assuming a healthy sex life would still be possible. This all makes me wonder how any of you out there that are married and have been for a long time (31 years in June for me) deal with lack of intimacy and sex? Maybe many of you have much better relationships than I do. I'm not looking to disrupt everyone's life here, but I don't know if I want to live the rest of my life like this.

I'm not a guy who jumps from jobs and relationships very easy. I guess I'm always scared of what life will be life on my own. Will I find someone else, will I be okay. I don't like living in fear. It's not a good way to live. But I do understand that sometimes we have to move on in order to grow, find love, take care of our own well being, etc. I'm just finding it hard to take the first step.

Anyway, the real first step is healing and staying away from porn. I couldn't go into another relationship with this addiction hanging over my head. I need time.

Okay it got a little deeper than I expected today! Enough for now. Enjoy your weekend everyone and be kind to yourself.
 

GBS

Respected Member
Hi @guitar1968 - we have corresponded before albeit infrequently. Many many congratulations on your porn abstinence. This is central to repairing your marriage. Repair yourself and get your brain in the right place. Obviously sorting out your marriage is not something that we amateurs can help you do. But I will give you my top tips from my attempt to fix my relationship - and please note mine isn’t mended yet!

1. If you can afford it, get therapy. Separate or apart. Essential.
2. Here’s the hard one, and the most obvious one - communicate. Proper conversation bringing up all the difficult issues. She may hurt your feelings (that’s a given), but you have to do it.
3. Total honesty - so Include your porn issue. Any other soothing you do?
4. If you still love each other, then it’s fixable. So stare in the mirror and be sure you know you want this.

Keep journaling on here. Maybe she will like the new @guitar1968 because he will be better company when he’s packed up porn. Good luck mate.
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
I've been porn free for over 4 weeks now. Feels good. It has been oddly easy this time. I'm just not feeling "porny" right now. I hope it sticks. I know I need to be away. I just feel better in general. I'm not going to be overly concerned about failing at some point. I would rather not, but if I do, I just hope that I can start the journey again right away before I go down the rabbit hole. But for now, I feel good, I feel clear and I'm enjoying the freedom.

@GBS Thanks for the comments. Good tips, but unfortunately most of them won't help my wife and I at this point. First, she doesn't believe in therapy and has no interest. I've brought it up numerous times. We do try to communicate, it rarely goes well any longer. Total honesty? Well, she has always known I use porn. We're not one of those couples who think it's cheating or trying to hide it from her. Does she think I'm an addict, well probably, I haven't exactly told her, but she once showed me an article about porn causing erectile dysfunction when I was having trouble and suggested it could be the problem. I didn't want to hear it or believe it at the time, but I sure do now. And, I'm just not sure either of us loves one another any longer. It's been a long marriage and we seam to be out of steam. I guess anything is possible, but I just don't see this getting fixed. I'm a lot to blame, but so is she. She's very stubborn, always right, gets massively offended if I try to talk to her about how she's treating me and so many other things. We both got us here. I just don't see a way out now. It's either live together miserably for the rest of lives or find the courage to go our separate ways. I kind of feel like when my daughter heads off to college in little over a year we may finally just be done. Nothing much for us to share here any longer.

Sorry, don't mean to be a downer especially after four very solid weeks away from porn. Not even porn subs during this time. Nothing. And, it has been so easy. I do think of sex often. But I don't think of porn often. I truly hope it stays this way.

Have a great day one and all.
 

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
I've been porn free for over 4 weeks now. Feels good. It has been oddly easy this time. I'm just not feeling "porny" right now. I hope it sticks. I know I need to be away. I just feel better in general. I'm not going to be overly concerned about failing at some point. I would rather not, but if I do, I just hope that I can start the journey again right away before I go down the rabbit hole. But for now, I feel good, I feel clear and I'm enjoying the freedom.

@GBS Thanks for the comments. Good tips, but unfortunately most of them won't help my wife and I at this point. First, she doesn't believe in therapy and has no interest. I've brought it up numerous times. We do try to communicate, it rarely goes well any longer. Total honesty? Well, she has always known I use porn. We're not one of those couples who think it's cheating or trying to hide it from her. Does she think I'm an addict, well probably, I haven't exactly told her, but she once showed me an article about porn causing erectile dysfunction when I was having trouble and suggested it could be the problem. I didn't want to hear it or believe it at the time, but I sure do now. And, I'm just not sure either of us loves one another any longer. It's been a long marriage and we seam to be out of steam. I guess anything is possible, but I just don't see this getting fixed. I'm a lot to blame, but so is she. She's very stubborn, always right, gets massively offended if I try to talk to her about how she's treating me and so many other things. We both got us here. I just don't see a way out now. It's either live together miserably for the rest of lives or find the courage to go our separate ways. I kind of feel like when my daughter heads off to college in little over a year we may finally just be done. Nothing much for us to share here any longer.

Sorry, don't mean to be a downer especially after four very solid weeks away from porn. Not even porn subs during this time. Nothing. And, it has been so easy. I do think of sex often. But I don't think of porn often. I truly hope it stays this way.

Have a great day one and all.
Very sorry to hear that.
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
Just a quick check-in today. Feeling good. Feeling strong. It's a good feeling. I hope everyone who reads this is finding some peace as well.

Have a fantastic day.
 

GBS

Respected Member
Hi @guitar1968

You’re doing great, man. Staying off porn is really hard but here’s the great thing, your brain DOES change when you do and you get associated spiritual uplifting with it. You feel masculine and strong. You’re 30 days or so clean so past some of those early hurdles that catch a lot of people out. Stay strong on your course. Don’t forget the person you were because you’re better than him now.

I cannot give you marriage guidance counselling. I wish I could. The bit that made me most astonished was when you said your doesn’t believe in counselling. I can understand it when people say they don’t believe in god, but counselling? I suppose what she means is she simply doesn’t want to do it obviously. The why is probably the answer to your situation.

That said, she’s never been married to the new you and it could be a very different person. This all presupposes you want to have a loving sexual relationship with her again. Whichever way you go, you won’t get judged on here. Persevere, you are heroic for doing this. I don’t know how many millions of people watch porn and are addicted or semi addicted, but it’s a vast number. What percentage are doing what you’ve done and gone clean for 30 days? A tiny tiny percentage.
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
Thanks @GBS I'm certainly trying. I'm not sure about healing my relationship with my wife. If she was ready and willing I would most likely be thrilled, but she shows zero signs that she is interested. As far as counseling, you are correct. She doesn't want to be called out for her shit any more than I do. She's even almost said that. But I can't get her to go. I know that I'll be called out for all the things that I'm doing to harm myself and our relationship. At this point I am willing to go through it and try to learn from it. But I can't make her go. Just like she can't make me stop porn. I have to do that and she has to decide that counseling is in our best interest.

So, I move forward. I want to continue to stay away from porn. I'm doing well. I'm coming here most days. I'm also a little concerned how easy it has been. I almost feel like something is seriously wrong with me. I've been addicted for so many years. Have tried to stop so many times. And this time, I just decided I was tired of it and walked away. I would suspect at some point I'll feel like going back, but I really just have no desire for it right now. There was no major event. No huge issue that brought this on. I'm just so tired of it. It will either continue to fade away or at some point come roaring back. If and when it does, I just have to be ready to say no. I'm really hoping it just fades away though.

As of yesterday I have been exercising every morning for 10 weeks. I would usually get 2 or 3 sessions in a week if I was lucky in the evening. But something would always come up that would get in the way. Just cooking dinner, cleaning up, helping my mother, running to the store, etc. The mornings are quiet. My wife is not a morning person. My daughter goes to school and I work out. I think having that time in the morning is also helping my days. Maybe calming my body and my mind down. Who knows. I just know I feel better getting this much exercise each week. And it's becoming a habit. I've been eating better as well.

This year has been going well. I just want to keep the momentum going. No reason to let porn back in.

Have a great day.
 

Beautiful1973

Active Member
As of yesterday I have been exercising every morning for 10 weeks. I would usually get 2 or 3 sessions in a week if I was lucky in the evening. But something would always come up that would get in the way. Just cooking dinner, cleaning up, helping my mother, running to the store, etc. The mornings are quiet. My wife is not a morning person. My daughter goes to school and I work out. I think having that time in the morning is also helping my days. Maybe calming my body and my mind down. Who knows. I just know I feel better getting this much exercise each week. And it's becoming a habit. I've been eating better as well.
This is all really great stuff, so happy for you😊
With regards to your marriage, I walked away from a 17 year relationship because I was no longer attracted to him and desired a more erotic sex life, so I understand your predicament….. my best advice, is to go to Counselling yourself, work on yourself, become the best version of yourself, heal yourself, hold space for yourself.
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
This is all really great stuff, so happy for you😊
With regards to your marriage, I walked away from a 17 year relationship because I was no longer attracted to him and desired a more erotic sex life, so I understand your predicament….. my best advice, is to go to Counselling yourself, work on yourself, become the best version of yourself, heal yourself, hold space for yourself.
Thanks @Beautiful1973 - that is what I'm working on. I'm focused on healing myself. I have to. I can't be in any relationship if I'm not dealing with my own crap. It's not fair to the other person. I'm certainly not trying to cause any more grief for my wife. I don't want to hurt her. I also truly want her to be happy.

As far as everything else is going right now I have to say that I am feeling good. I've been happier this past 5 weeks. Truly. Exercising, not wasting time or energy on porn, eating well is definitely making me feel much better. The trick is to keep this going. Not let laziness and addiction to lead me back to unhealthy habits. That's what my main focus is. I'm journaling every day both here and my own personal journal. I like to get my thoughts out of my head. That helps as well. A good brain dump clears the day for better things.

I have been thinking a lot about how I got here. I also think about what it must be like for younger boys as they become men these days. Looking at porn was what we all did. Any chance we could get a hold of a playboy or penthouse magazine we would all share it, pass it around, etc. If you didn't look or weren't interested you got picked on. There was so much pressure. Now all kids need is their iPhone and the world of porn is at their fingertips. What a mess. I just hope the addiction thing isn't preprogrammed in everyone. Once porn gets its claws into you, it's very hard to get them out.

But on that note I want to say enjoy your weekend everyone. There is more to life than porn. Much more.
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
Hi All, Just a quick stop by after a good 5 weeks on no PMO. I still feel pretty good, however, I'm starting to get that tingling feeling I could use a release. I'm not planning on doing anything about it. I'm really hoping to get 90 days under my belt (see what I did there) before I even consider masturbating. And, if I do try masturbating I plan on doing it very mindfully and without porn thoughts or fantasies. But that is a long way off and I just want to focus on healing and feeling good. Right now, I'm on task.

So I hope all is going well with everyone on here. It's always going to be some sort of struggle, but hopefully we can find good mechanisms for success.
 

GBS

Respected Member
Hi @guitar1968 - brilliant job, man. When it gets difficult, it may be already, focus hard on not going back to who you were before. I think it’s the key to the lock. It’s a tricky road, the hard core one but the changes you are making to your brain are vast. Keep up the good work. With you ALL the way.
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
So, my whole family just left the house. This was usually my signal to fire up a private browser and drop my pants. And, to be honest, I did get a little tingle in my pants as they are drove away. I definitely got the urge to take care of business. Instead, I came here. I think it's a good move. I'm over 5 weeks into this current reboot. I know how quickly I'll be back to every day if I don't stay the course. And, to be honest, it still isn't too difficult. I'm not sitting here with white knuckles, sweating and thinking about porn. I get these mild twinges every now and then. But for the most part I'm still having an easier ride than any time in the past. I keep wondering if it is that something is a bit wrong with me. Has my testosterone dropped? Am I dealing with some kind of medical thing that is making this so easy? The reason I'm so concerned is that I have been such an addict for such a long time that I feel like I should be wanting it more. I always have every other time I quit. I guess for now I'll just be glad that I'm doing well.

With that said, I'm going to head out. I feel good. I hope you all feel good as well. Eat well. Exercise. Get good sleep. I truly believe all of those things really help. Talk to you soon.
 

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
Exercise, better diet and good sleep help balance your brain chemistry. When in balance cravings are less intense and other pleasures more noticeable. Sounds like your strategy is paying dividends.
 

joepanic

Respected Member
Hey Guitar1968 I saw your posting on GBS's journal regarding if you should leave your marriage or not. Quite frankly is my wife cut off all intimacy that would be the end. I would not leave the marriage but I would tell her I am considering finding it elsewhere and if she couldn't handle it than she could leave. It sounds like dirty politics but if your not allowed to get it elsewhere it must be a really important part of a marriage. So why cut one side off.
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
Hey Guitar1968 I saw your posting on GBS's journal regarding if you should leave your marriage or not. Quite frankly is my wife cut off all intimacy that would be the end. I would not leave the marriage but I would tell her I am considering finding it elsewhere and if she couldn't handle it than she could leave. It sounds like dirty politics but if your not allowed to get it elsewhere it must be a really important part of a marriage. So why cut one side off.
I'm with you. My wife and I have had similar conversations. She got pissed and said I shouldn't give her ultimatums. I said I wasn't. I was just telling her what I was going to do. I've lived for a long time now with zero intimacy. At some point it is no longer a marriage. We are just roommates. We don't sleep in the same room. We don't touch each other in any way. What is the point. My wife doesn't work and I can't support two households at the moment. My daughter leaves for college in a year and a half. I've got a lot to take care of financially. Really the only reason I'm still in this house. I hate that it has come to this, but it has.

Anyway, I'm doing well today. It will be 6 weeks on Monday. Feeling good about my progress. Trying to heal my mind and body. Feels good to make it this far.
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
Well, I slipped up. After almost 6 weeks. I fell off the wagon. Not fully with porn, but I'm still not pleased. I don't feel terrible. This happened last Thursday after reporting in that I was feeling good. I got triggered by something that really stuck with me all day and I finally gave in to MO. It was accompanied by a few images, but not exactly porn. Either way, I wasn't ready to fail yet. But that's what failure is, right?

So, I had a little bit of the chaser effect that night and Friday. But I quickly fell right back in to being okay. I'm a little confused by my body and my mind now. But I'm going to try and go further this time. We'll see how long I can last. I still want to stay away from porn. I want to have a longer spell between masturbation. And, when I do masturbate, I truly want to try without porn fantasy and any images at all. Hopefully that will come and hopefully I'll get stronger. I don't feel like I have in the past where I want to dive head first back into it. I feel like I still don't want it at all and that my body and mind agree. So, four days in and I feel good. Let's see how I feel tomorrow.

This journey will be just that. A journey that may never have a true ending, but hopefully some great stops along the way with more successes than failures.

Good luck on all of your journey's!
 
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