My journey to be a better man.

GBS

GBS

Respected Member
Doing well @guitar1968 . It’s a long road back but it’s the road in front of you. Don’t take the fork to the left. I don’t know how many days/months you are clean, but along the way there are things to trip you up. It’s all designed to make you fail in your mission. You get to decide what to do, no one else. But know this: you inspire me, and you are one of the reasons I succeed. So thanks.

When you start to feel real change, maybe you’re there already, focus on who you have become and compare him to the guitar68 you were before. Which one do you like more?
 
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guitar1968

Well-Known Member
Struggling a bit to stay clean. I think the situation at home drives a lot of it. I get this annoyed attitude because my wife won't have sex with me any longer and I just start thinking screw, what's the point. I know that is not the way to handle it, but I'm human. I have to fight it. If I could walk away from my marriage now without hurting my wife and daughter I most likely would. I just can't do that to them. Especially to my daughter. So for now, I just want to get along with my wife because I'm tired of fighting. Maybe when my daughter heads off to college we can figure out our own shit. One way or another. Stay, go.... who knows.

The struggle is real. It comes and goes for sure, but it is hard.
 
Leonidas

Leonidas

Active Member
I'm sorry as well for the rough patch you are going through these days. I don't have any good advice on hand, but I sympathize with your situation. I see some of that reflected somewhat in a family member who seems to have gone the route of sticking to the marriage in spite of the negatives. There's no right/wrong answer here.. the decision has to be genuinely felt. So if time is what it takes, then that will dictate the timing of a decision one way or another. As for your concern for the happiness of your wife and daughter, that is very noble indeed to place them before your own needs. Either way, whatever choice you end up making in future, it is my impression that children eventually grow to understand and forgive 'difficult' marital decisions, perhaps more than we might assume from the outset.
 
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guitar1968

Well-Known Member
I haven't been here in a while. Things are very similar for me as they have been. I have several weeks being mostly clean, I decide I can handle a session and that leads to more sessions until I can't get off for hours until I finally find that one weird and disturbing piece of porn that finally opens the flood gates. I'm tired of this. I'm not happy doing it and to be honest, just coming here and writing isn't working for me right now either.

I need to find a better way to deal with this whole thing. I don't want to live the rest of my life like this. I'm mostly just frustrated with myself. It isn't who I want to be.

I'm not looking to count days or put blockers on my devices that I can turn off myself. I'm seeking something better. If anyone has found one video, one book, one post, one event that has truly made a difference, please share it. I'm just in need for something different at this point in my life.
 
Simon2

Simon2

Well-Known Member
Well, I'd be a hypocrite if I told you I've found a way... given that I am right now just at one week clean from my last bad streak.
Last year I did manage to put together 10 months clean and what got me there was this idea that porn was just not available.

I noticed when I was away camping - without internet access - that my urges would basically totally die away. I was free. So then I realized that if I could just have that same inner sense that porn was not available to me then it would be easier. No inner arguments with myself whether I should or should not give in... It's just not an option. Period. Meaning I can't do ANYTHING that is even remotely tied to accessing porn. No borderline searches, no sitting there asking myself whether I should or should not give in. It was an inner state I'd never had before and it worked perfectly for a long time. My urges were way lower and even my "withdrawal" symptoms were way reduced - just the lack of thinking of the potential to access it really helped. Until I told myself I could look at some non-porn stuff that was nevertheless stimulating for me. And from there it went downhill.

I am now committing to live with that firm "it's not an option" again.

Strength brother!
 
joepanic

joepanic

Respected Member
Just read the 1st few paragraphs of your journal and you mentioned you were looking for an accountability partner did you ever find one
 
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guitar1968

Well-Known Member
joepanic said:
Just read the 1st few paragraphs of your journal and you mentioned you were looking for an accountability partner did you ever find one
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I did. We still communicate on here from time to time, but I didn't find it to really help. Both of us aren't on here enough and when I have an urge, writing to my person on here and waiting a week to hear back wasn't helping.

I'm back again today I guess just to check in. Things are still bad. I can't seem to stay away again, but I'm also now having problems "finishing" when I'm in a session. I rarely find anything that really turns me on anymore. That is just plain strange and disconcerting. I remember back when I first had access to the internet. Sometimes I would last about a minute when I hit some of these sites. Now, I have to find that one thing that allows me to finish or I just sit here at half mast stroking until I'm sore. Then I feel ashamed and angry at myself for letting this happen. When I'm away from it for a few weeks it is much easier to finish. But I need to put a few weeks behind me in order to get there. The whole cycle has me extremely annoyed at myself.

Today in my private journal I was thinking back to the days that I used to drink and do drugs. I liked to party. All of my friends partied. If I was doing coke, I would just want more and more. However, I was able to just say, you know what, I don't want this anymore. I simply stopped. Never thought about it again. I have a beer now and again now. But I never get drunk. Never do coke. Never want to. I wish I could walk away from porn as easily. It just goes to show how strong this addiction is.

I looked up SAA Groups to see if any were in my area. There don't appear to be any. Online meetings. Not sure that's for me. Not sure the whole group thing is for me. I can't go to counseling without letting my wife know about why I would be going and to be honest, I'm just not at a point where I want to share this with her. We have a lot of other problems and this doesn't need to be another one on the pile. She knows I use porn. That has never been an issue. She just doesn't know the depth to which I'm addicted.

So today as I was deciding whether or not to open a private browser and give it the old college try again I decided to check in here. I guess at least it stopped me for the moment.

Have a great day whoever might read this. Seems like there is less and less back and forth in this group at the moment.
 
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guitar1968

Well-Known Member
Androg said:
Sorry things have been rough. You could try the online groups, just to check 'em out. You just need to get some traction.

http://spaa-recovery.org/
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Yeah, I need something for sure. I'm here now, but I am craving porn at the moment. I've let myself get back into it way more than I ever should have. I just can't seem to find a way to quit for good.

I'll check out the link.

Hope everyone has a good weekend.
 
joepanic

joepanic

Respected Member
guitar1968 said:
I did. We still communicate on here from time to time, but I didn't find it to really help. Both of us aren't on here enough and when I have an urge, writing to my person on here and waiting a week to hear back wasn't helping.

I'm back again today I guess just to check in. Things are still bad. I can't seem to stay away again, but I'm also now having problems "finishing" when I'm in a session. I rarely find anything that really turns me on anymore. That is just plain strange and disconcerting. I remember back when I first had access to the internet. Sometimes I would last about a minute when I hit some of these sites. Now, I have to find that one thing that allows me to finish or I just sit here at half mast stroking until I'm sore. Then I feel ashamed and angry at myself for letting this happen. When I'm away from it for a few weeks it is much easier to finish. But I need to put a few weeks behind me in order to get there. The whole cycle has me extremely annoyed at myself.

Today in my private journal I was thinking back to the days that I used to drink and do drugs. I liked to party. All of my friends partied. If I was doing coke, I would just want more and more. However, I was able to just say, you know what, I don't want this anymore. I simply stopped. Never thought about it again. I have a beer now and again now. But I never get drunk. Never do coke. Never want to. I wish I could walk away from porn as easily. It just goes to show how strong this addiction is.

I looked up SAA Groups to see if any were in my area. There don't appear to be any. Online meetings. Not sure that's for me. Not sure the whole group thing is for me. I can't go to counseling without letting my wife know about why I would be going and to be honest, I'm just not at a point where I want to share this with her. We have a lot of other problems and this doesn't need to be another one on the pile. She knows I use porn. That has never been an issue. She just doesn't know the depth to which I'm addicted.

So today as I was deciding whether or not to open a private browser and give it the old college try again I decided to check in here. I guess at least it stopped me for the moment.

Have a great day whoever might read this. Seems like there is less and less back and forth in this group at the moment.
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Good to hear from you Guitar. I too found it hard to work with a partner for the same reasons. Sometimes that was my fault sometimes it was others.
Reading through your post I saw many parallels. Starting with the "just not being able to find the scene to make it happen going half mast and continuing to search" I knew all about that. Glad to say those days are behind me. I know this gets under some peoples skin but I never felt shame for watching porn. I suppose for sure I felt some level of disappointment in myself for not being stronger. My wife too knew I watched porn and could care less. She just didn't know the extent of the material and the fact that I actually became addicted to it. She just knows I don't watch it anymore and I don't watch it for my own reasons.

As for the lack of good quality back and fourth conversation, I too have noticed that recently. As much as I am doing an excellent job of staying clean, I still don't fully feel ready to do the success story yet. I guess it's still too near and fresh in my mind as to who i was for so many years that I can't consider myself successful until I am ingrained into my new life which I do feel is getting closer. It's how I participate here after that moment that leaves me wondering.


Post often it helps me it helps you
 
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guitar1968

Well-Known Member
joepanic said:
Post often it helps me it helps you
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Well, I'm back and it isn't often enough.

Yes, our stories are similar for sure. I didn't have any big issue with my wife finding out. I didn't have any problem saying I used porn. As boys I think we were all dragged in to it in one way or another. My wife didn't care and at times, a long time ago, she watched it with me a bit when we fooled around. I just got addicted and never told her that. I am a bit embarrassed about the addiction. Although, we are kind of setup to become addicted, but who wants to share that with his wife? Not me. So, mostly for me is that I'm tired of the search. I'm tired of my dick not getting hard. I'm tired of sitting in a room and jerking it when I could be doing something better. I'm just tired. I'm 55. I want more for the remainder of my life.

Now, that all being said, I'm still struggling. But I've greatly reduced my consumption. What does that mean? Well I'm trying not to watch on my computer at all. I still occasionally look at Instagram and twitter on my phone and some times I head down a bit of a black hole. But not as much. I still head to the computer to complete the dead about once every 2 weeks. I would like to make it 3 weeks, then 4, 5 etc. But I'm where I'm at and it's a bit better for my mental state.

No success story here. Just a guy working through it and trying to get better all the time. I don't know if it will ever be easy, but I'm trying.
 
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