Just read the 1st few paragraphs of your journal and you mentioned you were looking for an accountability partner did you ever find one
I did. We still communicate on here from time to time, but I didn't find it to really help. Both of us aren't on here enough and when I have an urge, writing to my person on here and waiting a week to hear back wasn't helping.
I'm back again today I guess just to check in. Things are still bad. I can't seem to stay away again, but I'm also now having problems "finishing" when I'm in a session. I rarely find anything that really turns me on anymore. That is just plain strange and disconcerting. I remember back when I first had access to the internet. Sometimes I would last about a minute when I hit some of these sites. Now, I have to find that one thing that allows me to finish or I just sit here at half mast stroking until I'm sore. Then I feel ashamed and angry at myself for letting this happen. When I'm away from it for a few weeks it is much easier to finish. But I need to put a few weeks behind me in order to get there. The whole cycle has me extremely annoyed at myself.
Today in my private journal I was thinking back to the days that I used to drink and do drugs. I liked to party. All of my friends partied. If I was doing coke, I would just want more and more. However, I was able to just say, you know what, I don't want this anymore. I simply stopped. Never thought about it again. I have a beer now and again now. But I never get drunk. Never do coke. Never want to. I wish I could walk away from porn as easily. It just goes to show how strong this addiction is.
I looked up SAA Groups to see if any were in my area. There don't appear to be any. Online meetings. Not sure that's for me. Not sure the whole group thing is for me. I can't go to counseling without letting my wife know about why I would be going and to be honest, I'm just not at a point where I want to share this with her. We have a lot of other problems and this doesn't need to be another one on the pile. She knows I use porn. That has never been an issue. She just doesn't know the depth to which I'm addicted.
So today as I was deciding whether or not to open a private browser and give it the old college try again I decided to check in here. I guess at least it stopped me for the moment.
Have a great day whoever might read this. Seems like there is less and less back and forth in this group at the moment.