Good afternoon, all
First-time poster, long-time lurker. I am have been on my own journey of online sexual gratification abstinence for 50 days today. So that's something pretty cool. It's certainly my longest stint.
A quick how I got here. I was introduced to computers when I was 14. Joining, BBS's. Trading photos, stuff like that. Then as the internet became a thing, I started to frequent IRC. This lead to a longtime relationship with cybersex. Pornography was also a huge part of my online activities from that age. Getting pictures from girls that I was speaking to was incredible and when I was unsuccessful getting off to/with someone online and even sometimes concurrently I would look at porn. Anyway, cybersex was a thing all through relationships until my most recent (7 years). Then it was just porn. I have had an unhealthy relationship with online gratification for much more than half of my life. I've known for many years that it was bad news, but it was always easier not to do anything about it. Every day, every night, edging, varying what I looked at. I was a mess. I noticed my ED kicking in about 4 years ago and abstained from porn for a couple of months. Though I didn't stop consuming erotic literature or abstained from orgasm. I ended up relapsing a month into it and didn't look back.
3 years ago my wife and I had a child. That puts a damper on sexual activity between husband and wife already, which exacerbated my issues. A case of "if you don't use it you lose it". Our sex life has been nonexistent for nearly the whole time.
Then there is this god damn pandemic. It's been difficult for me and my family. It's been hard on us all. I was having anxiety issues, depression, significant stress and found myself doing very "like an addict" behaviours when it came to porn. I NEEDED to watch or finish every night. If I didn't I wouldn't/couldn't sleep. Eventually, I got to a point when I wasn't able to maintain an erection watching porn, but I kept at it because it was at least something. I was disappointed and saddened by my inability to achieve and maintain an erection even watching porn. I knew something had to stop, but I just didn't stop.
Feb 23rd I had major surgery on my eye. Part of the recovery was not using screens, reading, etc for 2 weeks. It also included sleeping face down. A very difficult thing to do. Anyway, I masturbated on my 2nd night because I couldn't sleep. It was a pathetic display. I was broken-hearted not only from my eye injury but also from how I felt about my "performance". At the end of the recovery, I had realized that I had gone 2 weeks without watching porn. I thought, well I've already started, lets keep going. Did my reading, research and built my strategy. So, as I said, it's been 50 days today.
So, the reason why I created an account and why I've posted. I am having some challenges and I don't want to feel alone in it anymore. I need some help, advice, etc.
My flatline has been an interesting experience. I am not experiencing a lack of arousal, but I have NO interest in any online proclivities. I am not having any morning wood yet, but I am not too concerned about that. it's been a long time since I've had that, so I accept that it'll take a long time to come back. The issue that I having now it irritability. I wasn't having any issues with irritability until the last 2 days. I feel like I am full of rage. I am having a really difficult time. Very short temper with my daughter and everyone in my family.
I feel like I want to engage in sexual activity with my wife, but wonder if it's just the junkie in me talking who just wants to cum. Well, I do want to engage in activities with my wife, it's the biggest reason why I'm doing this, but I worry I am going to go backward if I do. I asked her to send me some sexy pictures today, which is something we used to often do, and that was really nice. I had noticed that I felt and thought very much towards playing with her as opposed to just getting off.
I don't actually know if my irritability to from lack of sexual gratification, but it makes sense to me. In most of the things I've read it seems that men experience these feelings of irritability right away when they stop.
Anyway, any tips, tricks, advice, motivation you could spare I would appreciate it. Thank you in advance, all. Be well and stay safe.
First-time poster, long-time lurker. I am have been on my own journey of online sexual gratification abstinence for 50 days today. So that's something pretty cool. It's certainly my longest stint.
A quick how I got here. I was introduced to computers when I was 14. Joining, BBS's. Trading photos, stuff like that. Then as the internet became a thing, I started to frequent IRC. This lead to a longtime relationship with cybersex. Pornography was also a huge part of my online activities from that age. Getting pictures from girls that I was speaking to was incredible and when I was unsuccessful getting off to/with someone online and even sometimes concurrently I would look at porn. Anyway, cybersex was a thing all through relationships until my most recent (7 years). Then it was just porn. I have had an unhealthy relationship with online gratification for much more than half of my life. I've known for many years that it was bad news, but it was always easier not to do anything about it. Every day, every night, edging, varying what I looked at. I was a mess. I noticed my ED kicking in about 4 years ago and abstained from porn for a couple of months. Though I didn't stop consuming erotic literature or abstained from orgasm. I ended up relapsing a month into it and didn't look back.
3 years ago my wife and I had a child. That puts a damper on sexual activity between husband and wife already, which exacerbated my issues. A case of "if you don't use it you lose it". Our sex life has been nonexistent for nearly the whole time.
Then there is this god damn pandemic. It's been difficult for me and my family. It's been hard on us all. I was having anxiety issues, depression, significant stress and found myself doing very "like an addict" behaviours when it came to porn. I NEEDED to watch or finish every night. If I didn't I wouldn't/couldn't sleep. Eventually, I got to a point when I wasn't able to maintain an erection watching porn, but I kept at it because it was at least something. I was disappointed and saddened by my inability to achieve and maintain an erection even watching porn. I knew something had to stop, but I just didn't stop.
Feb 23rd I had major surgery on my eye. Part of the recovery was not using screens, reading, etc for 2 weeks. It also included sleeping face down. A very difficult thing to do. Anyway, I masturbated on my 2nd night because I couldn't sleep. It was a pathetic display. I was broken-hearted not only from my eye injury but also from how I felt about my "performance". At the end of the recovery, I had realized that I had gone 2 weeks without watching porn. I thought, well I've already started, lets keep going. Did my reading, research and built my strategy. So, as I said, it's been 50 days today.
So, the reason why I created an account and why I've posted. I am having some challenges and I don't want to feel alone in it anymore. I need some help, advice, etc.
My flatline has been an interesting experience. I am not experiencing a lack of arousal, but I have NO interest in any online proclivities. I am not having any morning wood yet, but I am not too concerned about that. it's been a long time since I've had that, so I accept that it'll take a long time to come back. The issue that I having now it irritability. I wasn't having any issues with irritability until the last 2 days. I feel like I am full of rage. I am having a really difficult time. Very short temper with my daughter and everyone in my family.
I feel like I want to engage in sexual activity with my wife, but wonder if it's just the junkie in me talking who just wants to cum. Well, I do want to engage in activities with my wife, it's the biggest reason why I'm doing this, but I worry I am going to go backward if I do. I asked her to send me some sexy pictures today, which is something we used to often do, and that was really nice. I had noticed that I felt and thought very much towards playing with her as opposed to just getting off.
I don't actually know if my irritability to from lack of sexual gratification, but it makes sense to me. In most of the things I've read it seems that men experience these feelings of irritability right away when they stop.
Anyway, any tips, tricks, advice, motivation you could spare I would appreciate it. Thank you in advance, all. Be well and stay safe.
