wretchedmind
Member
First I would like to apologize for the length and any rambling in here. This is the first time I am really admitting it and telling my story. Now that is out of the way.
Unfortunately/fortunately, due to a family tragedy a while back, I found myself in therapy dealing with anxiety (various forms) and depression. Skipped ahead a few years and after one/one therapy and couples therapy (married with 2 kids both girls), I really started to feel the best I have felt in years. I am still dealing with anxiety and depression but, I felt more like myself. Now like everything else in my life, when something good happens something of equal or greater bad happens. Hence this post on this form.
I have been looking at porn since, the 5th grade (this is absolutely true). I would steal my dad's Playboy and Penthouse's and I used them myself and I would take them into school and sell them for $5. I eventually moved on to his video collection. I would pick the look to his filing cabinet to get to them. My porn use continued from there. A bunch of us on a ship (Navy ship) got caught send porn, to each other, over emails while, out to see.
After our second child, with wife's desire to have sex took a nosedive. It was up to me to initiate every intimate encounter. Unfortunately for me, it was no more often than yes. I gave up trying and dived deeper into porn. I would say I was in my mid 30's (as of this post, I am 42) when this took place. I started jerking it once a day, at a minimum. Some days I could go 2 or 3 times in a day. It seemed the older I got the more I did it. That is until recently, a couple of months back, I started noticing it would take me longer and longer to orgasm. When I had sex with my wife, I could orgasm at all. I could get rock hard but, there would be no feeling. The times I could feel something, it was hard to stay hard.
This is all taking place before my self-realization. I talked to my PCP, my therapist, and psychologist, in the end, they did bloodwork and adjusted my medications. Now comes the self-realization. One morning I decided to check my porn sites, to see if anything new was up and I would open them on a new screen so, I can go back to them later. I mean, I am clearly not going to do it while my kids are home because that would be wrong.
I figure anyone reading this would know what really happened and usually, I would leave it at the but, that does not help the recovery process. So, on that note, I ended up jerking and orgasming while they were in their rooms. It was the quickest I have ever cummed and I felt like the worst human being in the world. Since then, I can jerk till the cows come home but, nothing happens but, let there be a chance I can get caught, by ANYONE, I can cum like a champ.
I understand, that my message may come off as jovial but, that is because it is one of my coping mechanisms. This is a fresh wound and I am not entirely know how to process all of these emotions.
So, if you made it this far, I thank you for taking the time to read my story.
Unfortunately/fortunately, due to a family tragedy a while back, I found myself in therapy dealing with anxiety (various forms) and depression. Skipped ahead a few years and after one/one therapy and couples therapy (married with 2 kids both girls), I really started to feel the best I have felt in years. I am still dealing with anxiety and depression but, I felt more like myself. Now like everything else in my life, when something good happens something of equal or greater bad happens. Hence this post on this form.
I have been looking at porn since, the 5th grade (this is absolutely true). I would steal my dad's Playboy and Penthouse's and I used them myself and I would take them into school and sell them for $5. I eventually moved on to his video collection. I would pick the look to his filing cabinet to get to them. My porn use continued from there. A bunch of us on a ship (Navy ship) got caught send porn, to each other, over emails while, out to see.
After our second child, with wife's desire to have sex took a nosedive. It was up to me to initiate every intimate encounter. Unfortunately for me, it was no more often than yes. I gave up trying and dived deeper into porn. I would say I was in my mid 30's (as of this post, I am 42) when this took place. I started jerking it once a day, at a minimum. Some days I could go 2 or 3 times in a day. It seemed the older I got the more I did it. That is until recently, a couple of months back, I started noticing it would take me longer and longer to orgasm. When I had sex with my wife, I could orgasm at all. I could get rock hard but, there would be no feeling. The times I could feel something, it was hard to stay hard.
This is all taking place before my self-realization. I talked to my PCP, my therapist, and psychologist, in the end, they did bloodwork and adjusted my medications. Now comes the self-realization. One morning I decided to check my porn sites, to see if anything new was up and I would open them on a new screen so, I can go back to them later. I mean, I am clearly not going to do it while my kids are home because that would be wrong.
I figure anyone reading this would know what really happened and usually, I would leave it at the but, that does not help the recovery process. So, on that note, I ended up jerking and orgasming while they were in their rooms. It was the quickest I have ever cummed and I felt like the worst human being in the world. Since then, I can jerk till the cows come home but, nothing happens but, let there be a chance I can get caught, by ANYONE, I can cum like a champ.
I understand, that my message may come off as jovial but, that is because it is one of my coping mechanisms. This is a fresh wound and I am not entirely know how to process all of these emotions.
So, if you made it this far, I thank you for taking the time to read my story.